Uninhibited

Uninhibited, I am someone who speaks what I want and need. In these dark hills, I walk away from greed.

Unaffected, I am the one who keeps trying, because I’m not fond of life dying.

Unreal, I reach towards the stars, knowing that my fingertips reach far.

And understanding, to know that I know exactly where I’m landing.

In this world of terror and worry, I won’t allow it to steal my flurry of love and truth, honestly something I hold so dearly to my heart.

I want to be who I am, and I will be. Because the only person I can be is me.

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Gentler Creatures

These days together lately have been rough. But I find myself to be tough. Toughened by the challenges that lie in front of me, but not hardened by what they create of me.

I wish that I could’ve done better in the past, but what’s done is done. There’s nothing I can do but move on.

As I allow my face to turn towards the light with the sun to shine on my features, I will forever understand that I am one of those gentler creatures.

In Vain

These breathings of my heart are in vain, because all of these things that I’ve tried to do have never come together. I fight, but is there a reason to? Is there a reason to breathe anymore? Is there a reason to be here anymore? Is there a reason to be doing all of this, in vain, if I feel like there’s no reason to breathe at all?

Of course, there’s nothing that I can do. It’s something that simply has to come through for me in a way that right now I know not. In a way that I have to wait to be revealed to me. And let me tell you, it’s not easy. I feel my heart constrict, and I feel the tears in my eyes. I feel my heart begin to sink and I feel everything I once knew begin to break.

I feel everything I ever needed start to fade away, and I ask myself if I could possibly go with them. Because I am afraid, and I need to find a way to get away. I need to find a place to stay, somewhere I can call home and know that I am safe. And in the midst of these things that I write of, sometimes I don’t know what I need. And sometimes I don’t know what should come to me. All I know is that I’m filled with sadness and a broken heart.

In my heart, I always wished that I could be happy. But depression comes in, along with anxiety. And there’s nothing I can do to force it out of me save for the small little hopes that something will come of it. I can’t fight it off, and I can’t banish it from my mind. There’s nothing I can do to save what’s mine.

In my heart, these breathings are real. These things that I need are real. But I’m not sure how to make what I need real. I’m not sure how much longer I can hold on, here with this avalanche of thoughts and feelings and everything that feels so wrong. I feel as if I’ve been abandoned, and don’t know if I can take it one more moment.

I yearn for the light to shine, for there to be a reason to smile. I yearn for there to be something to pull me out of these darkest depths, and to help me find something to save me from myself. And I don’t know what that is, but I know it isn’t this. All I feel is that I’m floating through an endless abyss.

I want so desperately for that day to come, the day where I can be everything that I want to be. Because I feel held back, and I feel like I have a million pounds sat upon my shoulders, and I feel as though there’s no way for me to be able to make it any lighter. I feel as if there’s no way for me to be able to find that secret key that will bring me to the success that I’ve dreamed of.

I know the world isn’t made up of success. But I also know that finding success is my only way out of this cave of darkness for which I feel subjected to. I don’t want to seem as if I’m being dramatic, or as if I’m full of it, but I can’t help but feel like there’s nothing else I can do. I know that the success of everything I love is the key to leaving this place of darkness and horror. But is there a way that I can possibly reach the edge of it, and make my way to the light?

I’m not sure. I don’t know if there’s any way that I could be heard in my plight. Because even as I fight, there’s nothing I can do to make this burden light. Perhaps if I pray it will feel a little bit better, but I’ve been told to pour out my heart, and thus here I am. To make myself vulnerable, because nobody likes someone who only shows their highlight reel. Nobody likes those who are only willing to show their greatest accomplishments.

I feel as though there’s nothing I can do to get to where I want to be, and where I am now is somewhere I don’t want to be. But how can I possibly find my way out when there’s no one here to help me?

I suppose I just feel tears in my eyes, and there’s nothing but surprise to reach from behind and horror to meet from that small voice in the back of my mind that tells me I’m not good enough. And sometimes when I read back these words, they make sense. Right now, to me, nothing makes sense.

And perhaps that’s the way it’s supposed to be.

Write My Truth

Write your truth. 

I pray a lot. I feel like, in the world – especially here in the United States – it is nearly forbidden to speak about God or anything of the like. Of course we aren’t hurt physically by speaking of Him, but we are yelled at, made fun of, and told that it’s absolutely inappropriate, among other things. But I pray more than three times a day, because it is my solace. It is everything to me. I have turned my face towards Him and now my depression and anxiety aren’t so incredibly difficult.

I always wondered what it would be like to reach the goals that I’ve set for myself. I still wonder, because I haven’t reached them yet. I still wonder what it would be like to get out of a tour bus at a gas station and look up at the stars in the night sky. I still wonder what it would be like to even live on a tour bus – a dream come true for me, because I love to travel, and I don’t care where I sleep, so long as I have a warm blanket.

I want so badly to be a singer. I want so badly to be an entertainer. And I’m working towards it. I’m working towards writing my own music and breaking into that field with all my might. I’m also doing it with writing, but perhaps not as strongly.

I found that as I wrote on here, I wasn’t writing my truth. I wasn’t necessarily writing what I wanted to write, or what I felt like writing. I thought I was burnt out, but really I just didn’t feel connected to what I wrote. And to write my truth…that’s the answer I received in a prayer when I asked what I needed to do concerning this blog. Write my truth.

So, I suppose this is my truth: I’m coming towards my dreams, and I’m securing their place in my life. But I need to make sure that I secure my own well-being in addition to that. I need to make sure that I’m making what I love a priority, and I need to make sure that I make myself a priority. I’m one of those people that often allows themselves to get lost in the traffic of trying to take care of everyone else. I find myself to be endlessly taking care of everyone around me, and when I collapse in my bed, exhausted, I don’t even know what to do with myself. I become so overwhelmed, but don’t feel justified taking a break and doing something for myself. I.E. doing what I need to in order to keep myself healthy and happy. And right now, that’s music.

Of course, I am going to continue to write on here, but for some reason, I feel as though music is what is really calling me right now. More than anything else I’ve ever felt. I don’t know why, but I’ve never been one to ignore a gut feeling. Still, I will write here every single day, and I will write my truth. 

Because the truth is where it all began.

Tonight

My voice reaches a new height, under these stars so bright. I have found my solace tonight, as I sing under these concert lights.

True songs and understanding people; there’s no judgment beneath this steeple. Because everything that I am does not mean a thing to them, and everything I am not does not hinder them. Because we are joined in the love of music, brought together by the love for its life. We dance and sing together this night, and we’ll always remember the times we’ve come together for this light.

I starve for these moments, searching for the things that will bring them to life. I reach for the stars, knowing that I will see them truly if I keep my head directed forward. If I keep looking ahead of me, that is the only way I will have to travel. My life will no longer unravel. And as I walk upon this earthy gravel, I have already found everything I’ve searched for.

I’ve explained it all before, so why say it more? But even now, I know that they will all want to know how. If it took me this long, why now? Well, you see, it’s because of this ocean of possibilities, this ocean of faith and belief. Because in the very end, if we want to reach our dreams, we can simply go for them…or we sit here and allow them to remain a dream.

It’s our choice.

Everything

It’s everything I could have dreamed of and more. Everything I sought, and more. This accomplishment with these eyes I thought to be so sore, and with all the apology I wore. I will never again need to meet that shore, because this is everything I’ve asked for.

Provided for me, with a little faith and a little belief. I should have known that this pain would be brief. I should have known that at the end of these years of pain, they would not stay forever. And I should have known that even as the pain comes back from time to time, I will stay happy, everlasting.

And these times that I sought things from other sources; how foolish I was to believe that I could find them by other forces. For the only way to find happiness is to make it, and the only way to kill happiness is to fake it.

I knew that someday it would come; or perhaps I didn’t truly believe. But it is something that I finally receive. And now on this summer’s eve, there is no more cause for me to leave.

All of the things that I’ve fought for are here for me, here in their glory. So now I don’t have time to worry because all these things need my time and attention. I shall give them my love in extension.

And at the end of this day, I will lie down my head to fall asleep this way. Because at the end of each month, year, or life, I shall know that I have fought a good and just fight.

In This Moment

In this moment, I remember buses and blue lights. I remember the night sky. I remember the stars that shone down on me in that moment, begging me to come meet them, and let them know how much I loved them.

In this moment, I remember all of those dreams I had blindly as a child, so naively filled with joy and excitement. In this moment, I remember the last eleven years of trying to create my own music, and trying to make it through writing and music. And in this moment, I will remember how this has changed me. How this night has changed me.

Everything I need is here, and everything I ever needed is something that sits within my palms at this very moment. And there’s nothing that can hold me back. There’s nothing that can stop me from finding this glory, this grace, and to see their smiling faces.

I want to know what fans of mine would want. But I need to create music first. I know I have an audience. As hard as it is for me to learn to play the guitar because of brain injuries I’ve had in the past, it’s nothing that will get in my way; nothing that will stop me from getting where I want to be.

And someday, when I’m on tour, I will look up at those lights in the stadium, just like the lights of the night sky so many years ago. And I will look up at them, knowing I’m under the same sky, but I’m a very different person. And this different person has been through grace, through anger, through shame, through sorrow, through sadness, pain, madness, and so much more. But most importantly, in this moment, for me…there is so much more.

Whom Is It That You Cry For?

Take the key. Unlock the door. Whom is it that you cry for? In this ready eve, among these autumn leaves, is there a way with happiness and peace you could perceive?

I am nothing but a shadow in the night. Perhaps someday I will shine bright. But for now I will enter the darkness without a fight.

Still, as I exit the door, I hear your voice once more. Now I understand. It is me that you cry for.

These Seasons

These seasons are separate, yet the same. Although they relate, they bear different names.

Autumn. Winter. Spring. Summer.

Delightful in everything they are, they each have a personality easily seen from afar. Leaving the door ajar, why don’t you go see who they are?

Flares of light and whispers of snowy flakes. Filled with morning and warm summer lakes. Nothing could ever destroy what this place takes. Inside me, joy the seasons make.

Flower Dust

In the flower dust of my heart, it shall take a part in the history of everything from which I would once depart. I take the dust as the essence of me, the essence of what is to be.

In lackluster days and dull sunny rays, I am filled with joy in my ways. Seeing through a lens of truth, I forever protect my youth.

And in these times that I may find mine, I will eternally know that they will be filled with knowing that is fine.

For the flower dust within me that creates me as I am, it will forever be everything that I am.