Success Isn’t Finite

You know, I admit that I’ve wanted to use this blog and write on this blog for the purpose of making some money, but I also am a writer at heart. This sort of ties into my last post, so I can link that.

So Tired of This

I am a writer – and a creator – at heart. I always have been. I remember drawing pictures of horses over and over again as a child until I mastered the art. Finally, at eleven years old, my horses looked pretty darn close to the real thing. You might assume I’m perfectionist, and you’d be right. But you might not know that I consider myself a Jack of All Trades, and the master of all of them. Because, as the saying goes:

“Jack of all trades, but the master of none.”

I don’t know who wrote that, but it floats around from time to time. I am an extremely ambitious person, and perhaps this is because of my health. I’ve struggled with a rare heart defect since I was born, and because of that, I’ve almost died many times. Because of this close state to death, I find myself wanting to do and experience everything before the Good Lord brings me home. And I know that He will, in His own due time.

I’ve read countless posts about how to be successful as a blogger, a YouTuber, a Twitch streamer, an entertainer, a dancer, a musician…etc. All of the things that I want to become. But I realized I’ve fallen into that trap – the trap where the media tries to tell you that there’s ‘one set way’ or some type of formula to get the success in these fields. But the truth of the matter is this – there is, nor will there ever be, a set way as to how to achieve something great in any field. 

I’ve learned in my life from doing things that were considered impossible by medical and scientific standards that the word ‘impossible’ really does mean ‘I’m possible!’ I believe Audrey Hepburn, just as I believe myself as I pull myself out of that sea of ‘how to be successful’ posts, books, blogs, videos, and anything else you can imagine.

I’ve read that there are only certain ways to get successful in the field of blogging: follow one topic, interact with other people, always use quotes and links, never plagiarize (which I would never do in the first place), and more. But I start to question these things, and I find myself reverting back to that rebellious person that I was when I was in my mid teenage years. The person that could look someone in the eye and say: ‘You’re wrong. I’m going to do this. Just watch me.’

I often have wondered where that person inside of me went, but then I realize she never left. She was never gone, but just…hidden. Many things happened, but I don’t want to get into that right now.

Back to the point. I want to be successful in many fields, a lot of which are polar opposites of each other, or require decades of patience or to start at a young age which is an asset that I just don’t have. But I do have this: I have drive. I have desire. I have the undying urgency to reach those goals and to run past that finish line with flying colors.

This brings me to the last point in this post: I’m going to post on here whatever I want. It will most likely always be random, or something that doesn’t even pertain to the present day or even reality. Since I consider myself a Jack of All Trades, it will often be about some career, goal, or something that can be learned and mastered. Lastly, I will post whatever I feel like posting.

Before, I was afraid to do this. A million worries ran through my mind: what if I lose followers? What if this just pushes me further away from the goal? What if this really is impossible unless I follow those guidelines. But now I’m trying to push those worries to the side as I focus on what I really enjoy – a little bit of everything.

I’m sorry for this post being jumbled up and rushed. It’s pretty late in the night as I write this, and I’m pretty tired. But I had to get this off my chest. Again, my apologies for the lack of structure.

What about you? Do you think there’s a formula for success? Or do you believe that success is catered to each individual and their circumstances?

Let me know in the comments. We can start a conversation. 😉

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So Tired of This

I suppose this is just going to be a dump post. Something I just dump here and leave here.

I feel like I’ve been through the wringer lately. I was taken to the hospital via ambulance a week ago and now I’m finally better. Physically…but not mentally.

I just need to say it…I am so tired of being told that to be successful in a certain field that I absolutely have to do ‘xyz’, or I have no chance at being successful. It’s really hard for me to constantly hear that I’m too ambitious or that I want to do too many things. I’m tired of being told things are impossible for me or that I will never make it to where I want to be.

I’m rebellious by nature. Naturally, I’m going to do the opposite of what I’m told, just for the sake of it. That’s just who I am. But lately it’s been less irritating and more hurtful. I know I’m putting fat too much stock into what strangers on the Internet say, but it’s extremely difficult for me not to believe everything I hear. I believe everything I hear by default.

Today I cried about it, and I never cry. Not because I try not to but because I’m just not a cryer. But today, maybe I’m just sick of it all.

I don’t understand the world, and sometimes it’s all too much. I need to crawl back into my cave and let myself relax instead of worrying what the president is doing or the rioters or potential world wars that are all just too frequently seen everywhere I go that I think might be safe. I write a blog, but I don’t read many. It’s not that I can’t be bothered, it’s just that current events and politics and news genuinely scare me. They terrify me. I’m 23 and it’s almost sad if I see the world crumbling around me.

But I digress.

I’m so tired of being told to do things a certain way or I’ll ‘never make it’ to where I want to be. I want to be an entertainer, an author, a dancer, singer and songwriter. I also want to be a blogger, a YouTuber and Twitch streamer. With every one of these, we are all told the supposed ‘trade secrets of success’. To be an entertainer you need talent; to be a singer you need a good voice, to an author you need millions of readers to even hope of getting published. To be a dancer, you need to start before you’re an adult or you’re just screwed.

But what if I don’t want to do it the way I’m told to? What if I want to start dance at 23 and publish my own work in my own publishing company and just sing with my own voice and entertain with what I have? Do these things mean I’m just not allowed to have my dreams?

I’m well aware of doing it my own way and potentially being successful, and that’s what I fully intend to do. I just do not understand the world’s fascination with this formula that some have that others don’t and how apparently only those with the formula can succeed. Though, I’m absolutely positive that 95% of this formula is media crap that they want to sell as a ‘proven way’ to get where you want to go. Then they get millions and you get frustration. In short: scam.

Well, that’s all I have to say. Thanks for reading…if you did. 😉

Nella Sings

Do you hear her? Do you hear her sing? The way she belts out those melodies and, frees that urge within her that tugs at her soul, echoing low in the fields of green?

Can you see her? Dressed in white, her hair dark brown and tangled from the bitter wind and damp air. She is someone long forgotten. Perhaps she would have been remembered, but the odds weren’t in her favor. At least, not on that one night. The night she lost that thing we call life. The night she thought she’d lost all bits of humanity left within her.

But she didn’t.

Deep within her, a soul appears. She is now that soul, void of a body, but not void of spirit. She once thought that souls didn’t exist, and that a body was simply the only way a person lived. No, a body is a vessel, a boat in which to float through life and see the things that are to be seen and do the things that are to be done.

Though she may have lost that boat, her ‘life’ carries on. She has come to believe that without the shell of her body, she has become free, and that she still lives. In that mortal coil, she didn’t know what she does now.

And now Nella is retreating to the ambient sounds of the forest, quiet in the night. But still, as the night falls, and the people of her generation forget her existence, she sings.

Her voice echoes across generations in a way that her body never could.

Ghosts

Do you believe in ghosts?

More than half of the population in the United States believe in ghosts, and have even experienced some things themselves. And me? I’m all about the supernatural. I love the idea of anything that doesn’t fit within society’s bubble, and the idea of ghosts would have to be my all-time favorite.

There are different types of ghosts, but I will discuss them at a later date. For today, I want to talk about their essence; that is, what they actually are.

We’ve all heard the classic story of someone dying a horrible death and their spirit coming back to haunt where they inhabited their life. Their home, or another beloved place in that person’s life can be considered ‘haunted’ by this spirit, either maliciously or otherwise. But are ghosts actually spirits of the dead, or something more? Does someone have to die terribly to manifest as a spirit, or is that myth?

The beliefs of what ghosts actually are scales quite a large range. Some believe that classic adage: ghosts are spirits of the dead. Though, there are others who believe differently. There are those that believe a ‘ghost’ is concentrated energy, some believe they are aliens, and others believe that they are nothing but a trick of the mind.

But what about the human soul? Can it manifest itself in such a way after leaving the body? Perhaps we’ll never know the real answer to that one. But I certainly believe in ghosts. I’ve even seen a few.

After all, if ghosts aren’t real, then who can explain sounds without origin, seemingly intelligent mist in the form of a spirit, or disembodied voices?

I’m sure that there was a time where everyone believed in ghosts. I also believe there has been a time where everyone thought ghosts to be the trick of sleep deprivation, thirst, or hunger. Some even believed these entities could only be seen by ‘crazy people’ who saw things no one else saw, now known to either have a form of psychosis, or to be a genuine psychic.

Now, I’m no psychic, but I have seen things, and I have noticed things. I used to have some cats when I was little, and they died years ago. Slowly, I’ve seen, felt, or heard them come back from time to time just to say ‘hello’. I also have a vague familiarity of buildings from the Victorian Era, back in the nineteenth century. Does mean that I could have seen something I don’t remember?

I don’t know.

Despite the endless hoards of literature and pop culture surrounding these phenomena, (who ya gonna call!?), there is little definitive proof that such things exist. Not enough to convince those who don’t believe in them, at least. But still…with so much history and so many things across the world pointing in a very similar direction…could it all be a coincidence? I don’t think so.

Well? What do you think? Are ghosts real, or are they nothing but a trick of the mind; something that has cleverly fooled us for generations?

Voynich Manuscript

As I’ve said before, I’m in love with the mysteries of the world. I might actually make this blog about that very topic.

Today I was thinking I would talk about the Voynich Manuscript. I’m so fascinated with it. I think it would be amazing to see it in person.

For those who don’t know, the Voynich Manuscript is a mysterious script, I believe to have originally ‘discovered’ in the thirteenth century. It’s a large book containing a language that is seemingly unknown to man, as well as paintings and depictions of creatures and plants that have never been known to exist. Some believe it to be written in an encoded version of Latin, though even the world’s smartest minds cannot figure it out.

The pictures of plants and creatures that don’t exist and an unknown language are what draws me to this one. I believe in aliens, although I think they are human, just like us. However, they might speak a different or even advanced form of Latin. I’m just throwing theories out here.

Hypotheses range from aliens to unknown and lost civilizations and even the thought or idea of someone with severe psychosis writing and drawing out their hallucinations.

As I’ve said, I think it would it would incredible to see in person. I’m one of those people that loves to dream about the possibility of being the one that solves it. Linguists have looked at through magnifying glass for years, looking for possible discrepancies within the writing. One can potentially and theoretically make something unreadable if they stretch the character or letter that they’re writing to exactly twice or third times the original length. It’s possible that the author could have rearranged letters and words to make it difficult to read.

Now, what do I think about it, personally? I think it is something valuable, and I do believe it can be solved. I believe that it could very well be a large link or even a missing piece of our distant past that we have tried so incredibly hard to put together. I also think it’s possible that some type of ‘alien’ that was very early on earth could have written about their own planet, but could have died later before being able to properly communicate. That idea fascinates me the most.

I’d also like to believe that I could potentially solve it. But perhaps I’m just an overly-ambitious person.

Now…what do you think it is?

Dinosaurs

It wasn’t too long ago that I caught a glimpse of something that captured my eye: humans remains have been found in the same sedimentary layer of rock as dinosaur remains. This suggests that dinosaurs and humans quite possibly walked the earth at the same time.

I didn’t read the article at the time, but I wish I had, just to have more information. Though I don’t think the article would have been very long; maybe a few paragraphs at most. Regardless of whether this information is actually true, I believe the sentiment. I always found it hard to believe that humans and dinosaurs walked the earth at different times. Part of it is my religious beliefs while another part is just my reasoning. How is it possible that we could have such a history of humanity and so much mystery surrounding our deep past if we didn’t live that long ago? Personally, I am in love with unsolved mysteries, and the fact that this one involves dinosaurs is just even better.

I’ve been fascinated by dinosaurs since I was very little. They always placed so many questions in my mind. Why were they here? Have they been on other habitable planets? Were they more advanced than we can imagine? Why do we know so little about them?

I’ve been searching for a book of some sorts that’ll really delve into dinosaurs and their existence, but it’s difficult to anything other than children’s books. Maybe I’ll end up writing the book instead of finding it. Call me crazy, but I don’t plan to die around one hundred years of age. I have a unique set of beliefs, and one of those (laugh if you’d like) is that I’ll live to be well over several hundred years old. I see it as entirely possible, as we have done it in the past. Why not now?

As part of that long life, I won’t be an entertainer forever. I’d like to venture into medicine, animation, video game creation…but the three I’m most interested in are Archeology, Paleontology, and Astronomy. Space fascinates me, and so do the way fossils tell us of our past we don’t remember. I love the Tomb Raider video games and (within reason) would love to be a real-life Lara Croft. Haha, but perhaps that is one thing that doesn’t exist. All I know for sure is that there are a lot of mysteries in this world, and I have a fascination and a very stubborn personality. It would be dream come true to see one of them in person.

Stream of Consciousness

Throughout my life, I’ve never really had anyone listen to me, or what I had to say. I naturally have a very quiet voice, and it can get frustrating when people talk over me. That’s part of why I avoid social situations, other than the fact that I have social anxiety to the extreme. I avoid social situations because I’m tired of being talked over, uncared about, and not really noticed. I’m one of those people that fades to the background, where no one really knows that I’m there. I’m the person that somebody talks to when they have no one else to talk to, and even then, the only talk for thirty seconds.

All my life – as I said – I’ve never been listened to. I was a mute for the longest time as a child. Many things happened to make me a mute, but I’d rather not talk about that today. What I want to talk about is how hard it is to not have your voice heard. Here, on this blog, I’d like to believe that my voice is being heard by writing this. I’d like to believe that my voice will be heard someday when I’m a singer and songwriter. I’d like to believe that my voice is something that has value and something that someone will actually care about. It’s not like anyone is bound to stop and listen to me if I speak, anyway.

My brother has always had a very loud voice, and with mine being naturally quiet, almost like a whisper, I used to have to shout to speak over him. Then I just gave up. Why speak when nobody could hear me anyway? But I’ve noticed lately how painful it is to not have a voice. It’s painful when I cannot express what I want to, and even if I try, no one will listen. It’s almost as if, while I’m speaking, the people around me put their hand to their ear and say, ‘did you hear that? It’s almost like I heard a voice’. It doesn’t help that I’m freakishly short.

I don’t really have any magic answer or reason or anything as to how to gain a voice when you don’t have one. Movies and TV would like us to believe that it’s as simple as just speaking up when nobody else will, and then we end up with our crush and live happily ever after.

Wrong.

It’s difficult. Most of the time, others are too busy with their own lives and their own trivial things to even think about the fact that you’re trying to speak to them, or that you have pain inside you, or that you are trying so hard to change and you have already tried so hard to matter to someone and nothing has worked. That’s how I felt as a teenager. Thankfully the pain isn’t as strong now as it was then, but I still live with pain that I don’t have a voice.

I wish that I could speak up and somebody would turn to me, smile, and pay attention to me. Should I go stand on a stage and shout how I feel? No. Nobody cares. Should I go on YouTube and put an opinion out there that’ll be criticized and I’ll be forever bullied for it? I’d rather not.

Maybe it’s also a fear of the reaction I’ll get. All I know is that I find myself with jumbled up thoughts and don’t always know what I feel until I write it. And now I do know what I feel. I want a voice, and I want it to matter.

It will. Someday.

Entertainer

So, I’ve noticed that I’ve been writing three blog posts a day. When did that happen? *nervous smile*

No, it’s really not a bad thing, I’m actually kind of excited. I know a lot of bloggers write once a day or certain days in the week, but I just have found a genuine love for blogging. I have loved writing for years, and now blogging is a lot of fun. I have the potential to make money at this, and if I do make money doing this, it would be incredible! I think the first thing I would do with earned money is buy another album from Fall Out Boy on iTunes and then put the rest in savings. ‘ Cause I’m cool like that.

Anyway, I discovered this morning that I am breathing a lot better, and the fires that have broken out around my area are becoming more and more contained. So happy about that.

I tend to not know what I’m going to write about when I start a new post like this, but for some reason, once I get writing, the words flow. I’m so grateful that when I’m rambling about different things I’ve noticed or musings of life, I don’t get writer’s block all that much.

So, the topic for this post: songwriting.

I’ve never thought I was a good songwriter, but for some reason, I just keep coming up with lyrics and melodies that make no sense to me and definitely no sense to anybody else. But I would like to think that someday it’ll make enough sense. I want to be a performer, an entertainer. It’s something I truly love.

But I’ve struggled, as every entertainer does. But not with the audience, which is typical. I struggle with myself.

I have had much injury to my brain throughout my life and since I live with the oxygen saturation in y blood lower than the normal range because of the nature of my heart condition, it has caused some brain damage over the years. I often have trouble processing things in a cohesive way, I have terrible memory. But I’ve noticed it mostly in my hands. I love any type of art or craft so it’s hard when my hands refuse to communicate with my brain. My handwriting is unreadable although I prefer to write by hand rather than type. Also, I love to crochet but sometimes my hands just won’t let the crochet hook and the yarn do their thing. Sometimes it looks more like a tangled mess than a scarf.

But I haven’t given up.

By far the most difficult is trying to learn to play the guitar, ukulele, and ocarina. Three instruments I have and I intend to get more.

For the longest time, I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t switch chords or even get to chords on my guitar like some beginner guitarist would. I struggle with rhythm. But I have tried since having my first guitar anonymously given to me in 2011 at Christmas. I look up to Taylor Swift as a guitarist, and it was from her online website at the time, with her name and a 13 on the head.

But despite my setbacks I’m learning musical instruments, I now know that I’m not just stupid – I have a real reason why I’m not learning these things. I thrive when I teach myself, so I will continue to work on chords and strumming, as well as just freely playing and not caring which notes I hit, (my favorite).

All I know is that someday I’m going to be an entertainer and maybe it’ll help someone like I am right now to know that I struggled with learning because of brain injury, but I got there. At least, that’s what I’d like to believe.

Core

Some things are complicated while others take no time to understand. I would like to monetize this blog sometime, and hopefully soon. But I wonder if anyone would come. I’ve found that the greatest asset I have on my hands is my honesty/transparency. I am very easy to read by those who know me, and I’m not always fond of this. But I’m a Taurus, I’m the bull by nature. Sometimes when others read me like an open book, they really are only reading that top layer. I have many layers to my being, state, soul, and personality. Yet people think they know me so well. This makes me smile.

So, I write here, trying my best to be honest and transparent all while it’s incredibly difficult to let anybody see past that top layer. I see it almost as the sedimentary rock in the earth. The sign of the Bull is an earth sign, strong and steady. I find myself fitting the Taurus personality beyond what I ever thought was possible. People rely on me. They tell me I am steady and immovable. But it seems that they miss the core.

I don’t blame them. I hide my core like the most precious metal there ever was. To be honest, I don’t think anyone in my life has ever seen that core. I often find myself wondering if it’s possible to see the core of a person, even within close and intimate relationships. It is it really possible to see everything a person is if they open up to you? Or is there still a small part of them that remains invisible to the eyes of anyone but them?

I don’t know. What I do know is that I love to ponder these things everyday. It’s these things that lead me to write fictional stories, exploring humanity and who we really are.

I fully intend to be an author someday soon; a published author. I have countless papers littering my room filled with story ideas and the same fills the Scrivener files of my desktop computer. I love to explore humanity and its darkness, along with its light.

I suppose there is always going to be more to discover in this world. Never will we reach the end of knowledge.

As someone who loves to learn, that makes me very happy.

Hard To Understand

I’m a writer. Obviously. I love to write. But sometimes when I write – like I’m writing poetry or song lyrics – the first sentence that comes to my mind more often than not is this: I don’t understand. Maybe it’s because of writer’s block, or maybe it’s because I genuinely don’t understand this world most of the time. I do not understand the human desire to hurt one another. In fact, I don’t understand cruelty at all. It’s a foreign concept.

Another thing I don’t understand is the way some people live. I’m a very straightforward and practical person; if I don’t have money to buy something then I don’t need that thing. Yet people around me buy the latest technology and then complain about being ‘poor’. It’s something that irritates me because I have seen the ugly side of poverty right now. Right now, my family and I don’t have a car, and even if we did, we can’t drive because my mom is too sick and I don’t have a license or the money to even consider one. All of the toilets in our house don’t work properly and I’ve gotten accustomed to the way our ancient washing machine sounds like an airplane taking off when we do laundry…but I’m happy. I’m happy writing songs and poems and this blog and crocheting blankets and other things for charity. I’m happy with my two cats who give me all the love in the world. I don’t have an iPhone. I never have. I can’t imagine using internet outside of my house!

Despite not being able to understand it, though, I love the world. I feel rich in love and happiness, even though I’m not rich in money or health. I don’t have a lot of family, but I love the ones I do have.

I suppose it’s a complicated world. Maybe that’s why I avoid it. I’d much rather just stay in my room, keep to myself and crochet things for those in need. That way, I know that I’m helping someone else, and even though it’s not much, it’s something I can do, and I’m grateful for that.