There is no shortage of dream-busters in this day and age. And by ‘dream-busters’, I’m referring to those people who tell you that you aren’t good enough for your dreams and aspirations. Everyone knows at least one of those people. In some instances, those people get across what they’re trying to say, and someone else doesn’t get their dream. This happened in the case of my mother. She wanted to be a surgeon, but my Grandpa discouraged her and said “women don’t make good doctors”, so she never pursued it. I can’t imagine how different my life would be had she pursued her passion, especially considering that I’ve had four open-heart surgeries.
But I’m straying from the topic.
I know that in my life, many people have tried to deter me from fighting for my dreams, telling me that I’m not good enough, that I can’t ever achieve something so ‘unrealistic’, or that I should go for something easier. Here’s the thing: I am a very stubborn person. I don’t easily take no for an answer (within reason), and I’m going to fight for what I want. And what is it that I want, exactly? Well, I want to be an entertainer, through and through. I want to be a writer, a singer, a dancer, an artist, a movie producer/director, an actress…and much more. The arts is something that inspires me so much and truly keeps me going, especially in my darkest moments.
Recently, I realized that the time I considered the darkest moment in my life might not be my darkest moment after all. I am in my early twenties, so it’s very possible that I will have something much worse come along. But instead of focusing on that negative, I want to focus on the present. I realized that I am no less lost in my life than I was in the day of what I considered ‘my darkest moments’. Those were the days when horrifying illnesses plagued my body and mental illnesses plagued my mind. Let’s just say I’ve been through a lot for my age, and it’s hard to see it all when you are a teenager, and finally understand it all after so many years.
But the point I’m trying to get at is that we never know where we are; at least, not exactly. We may think we’re out of the fog, but it turns out we have only just entered it. Thus, explaining why I am lost. But I’ve found joy in being lost – that is, since I’ve stopped fighting the idea of being lost in the first place. Sure, I’m lost in my life, meaning that I know what I want but I have no idea where I am in that journey or which direction to head in. I’m lost in that I sometimes don’t know who to follow and end up paving my own path. I’m lost in the way that sometimes paving my own path isn’t the right thing to do. But mostly, I feel as though I am engulfed in fog, unable to see inches in front of me. The sun is unable to shine through it, and I’m simply and frustratingly feeling around in front of me for something solid to hold onto. My depression and anxiety disorders don’t help this.
So, in my life, I’ve definitely had people tell me that I’m not good enough for my dreams. I’ve had people tell me that I actually need talent in order to make it into the world of entertainment. I’ve had people tell me that I need to learn certain things beforehand, such as how to ‘be good enough’. Then there are the people who are just unkind and tell me I’m not good enough no matter what I do. But I think there’s a lesson to be learned here: sometimes, when people try to deter us and break us down, they really are just pushing us forward.
I’m a Taurus zodiac sign, meaning that I’m the bull. This means that I am a very stubborn person and I live up to the bull’s name quite nicely. I tend to do things just to prove others wrong when they tell me I’m no good. I definitely did this as a child! I’ve been known to look someone in the eye while doing exactly what they tell me I cannot do (and thank goodness I haven’t gotten in deep trouble for it yet). So, when someone tells me that I’m never going to be good enough to make it into entertainment, of course it breaks me down at first – and sometimes their words still float around in my head – but there are those times where I just want to prove them wrong. I have a very competitive side to me, and I have to watch it so it doesn’t get out of control. But that’s beside the point.
There will always be people who try to deter me and destroy me. But maybe that’s why I was built as strong and immovable as I am. Maybe that’s why I’m the Taurus, so that I don’t back down. Looking at me, you definitely wouldn’t guess that I’m easy to anger and that I can be frightening when I do so.
As positive as I try to be, though, sometimes it all just gets to me. Sometimes I just want to lie down in my bed and cry until the storm passes. Sometimes I just want to walk away from someone in shame after them telling me all of the reasons I’m not good enough, because I’m quick to believe what I hear, especially about myself. There is definitely no shortage of doubt within me.
But in the end, I believe one thing: dream-busters will stay where they’re at while us dreamers will make it somewhere big. I love that Taylor Swift song, called ‘Mean’. The lyrics go like this:
Someday I’ll be livin’ in a big ol’ city, and all you’re ever gonna be is mean. Someday I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me, and you’ll you’re ever gonna be is mean. Why you gotta be so mean?
I’ve listened to that song more times than I can count. So, despite the people who tell me I’m no good, or the people who try to stop me, I believe that someday I will be living in that big ol’ city, and that someday I’ll be big enough so they can’t hit me. Taylor certainly has. So, why not me?