Stream of Consciousness

Throughout my life, I’ve never really had anyone listen to me, or what I had to say. I naturally have a very quiet voice, and it can get frustrating when people talk over me. That’s part of why I avoid social situations, other than the fact that I have social anxiety to the extreme. I avoid social situations because I’m tired of being talked over, uncared about, and not really noticed. I’m one of those people that fades to the background, where no one really knows that I’m there. I’m the person that somebody talks to when they have no one else to talk to, and even then, the only talk for thirty seconds.

All my life – as I said – I’ve never been listened to. I was a mute for the longest time as a child. Many things happened to make me a mute, but I’d rather not talk about that today. What I want to talk about is how hard it is to not have your voice heard. Here, on this blog, I’d like to believe that my voice is being heard by writing this. I’d like to believe that my voice will be heard someday when I’m a singer and songwriter. I’d like to believe that my voice is something that has value and something that someone will actually care about. It’s not like anyone is bound to stop and listen to me if I speak, anyway.

My brother has always had a very loud voice, and with mine being naturally quiet, almost like a whisper, I used to have to shout to speak over him. Then I just gave up. Why speak when nobody could hear me anyway? But I’ve noticed lately how painful it is to not have a voice. It’s painful when I cannot express what I want to, and even if I try, no one will listen. It’s almost as if, while I’m speaking, the people around me put their hand to their ear and say, ‘did you hear that? It’s almost like I heard a voice’. It doesn’t help that I’m freakishly short.

I don’t really have any magic answer or reason or anything as to how to gain a voice when you don’t have one. Movies and TV would like us to believe that it’s as simple as just speaking up when nobody else will, and then we end up with our crush and live happily ever after.

Wrong.

It’s difficult. Most of the time, others are too busy with their own lives and their own trivial things to even think about the fact that you’re trying to speak to them, or that you have pain inside you, or that you are trying so hard to change and you have already tried so hard to matter to someone and nothing has worked. That’s how I felt as a teenager. Thankfully the pain isn’t as strong now as it was then, but I still live with pain that I don’t have a voice.

I wish that I could speak up and somebody would turn to me, smile, and pay attention to me. Should I go stand on a stage and shout how I feel? No. Nobody cares. Should I go on YouTube and put an opinion out there that’ll be criticized and I’ll be forever bullied for it? I’d rather not.

Maybe it’s also a fear of the reaction I’ll get. All I know is that I find myself with jumbled up thoughts and don’t always know what I feel until I write it. And now I do know what I feel. I want a voice, and I want it to matter.

It will. Someday.

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