Something I never thought I’d find myself within. Something that couldn’t have been a win. Something that I never knew could hurt so much. Something where I ache for the smallest touch.
Can you feel this desire? Can you feel the fire? The flames that lick up the side of sanity, turning it into vanity, and causing anything else within to vanish.
Tarnish my soul, and know my own pull. My pull towards reality, the reality that I try so hard to hide from myself as I find myself turning away from what was once important to what now calls my name in something immovable and indescribable. Something less than destiny, something more than sanity. Something that could have removed every good thing from my life.
But I took the leap. I jumped. Vanity lied to me. Within my own reach, it tricked me into believing there was nothing else I could do. Nothing but a victim, something that wasn’t easily believable as I’d never considered myself one. And as I fear to write these words, I know there’s nothing else I could do. As I fear to know these learned habits of mine, I know there’s less of what I knew about in the first place. Finding yourself within the reality that was laid out for you…or finding yourself within the reality you laid for yourself. Which is worse? I once saw both a curse, but now with the first I realize that it’s nothing I can change. With the second, I realize it’s something I can tame.
With the last breath I take, and the last bit of sanity that leaks back within the walls of my beating heart, there’s something that comes to my core, alighting me with something brighter than the sun. Something I never would have thought possible, and something that’s greater than anything imaginable. Something I never knew existed.
Let these lies crawl away, not damaged from the rays of that sunlight, and allow these truths to rise within me, light beaming from my every facet. My multi-faceted skin, with every sin and every win. As I write these words, I listen for the birds that fly to the core of the earth, taking with them the evil I once knew. Taking with them everything I used to do. Everything I now know to be different.
Let these truths cause me to rise as the phoenix would within the ashes of its own death, never allowing itself to rest but instead becoming more beautiful than ever before. I’ve watched myself resurrect quite a few times now, but this time is different. This time is stronger, wiser, and more free than I ever could have imagined. This time I beam with grace, lighting from my face as white as a dove with no shadow to be seen.
This time I understand who I am and what I want. What I need, and what I’ve been searching for that I never could have named before. I am a different person, but can mistakes me blamed on environment, or can they be blamed on poor ideals? I’m not sure, though I believe that something within me has risen like a flame alight, never to be quenched again. The light I had as a child when I rose from my bed, something I use now to avoid my death.
Humility is the only antidote to shame, and resigning my lesser knowledge is the source of once vain approach. My once rebellion, now used as something stronger than steel. Something stronger than diamond, though my heart is made of glass. That’s alright – because my soul is made of crystal; something that’ll never break. And the blood in these veins are as flame, to never be tamed.
And I watch through these new eyes to my future now that I’m wise. I am still very young – there’s no boundary or cut-off for when lessons are no longer learned. That is what I will forever know as I navigate these roads alone, my nomadic self coming to the surface as I walk the crust of this earth. As I see everything I was born to see and do everything I was born to do, I will continue to rise every time that I fall. Why?
Because I’m a phoenix.