What I Seek

Why I can’t fly is something I can’t deny. It’s something that was never a lie; something that wasn’t an ability I could obtain. I reach my fingertips up to the night sky, but nothing is there to tell me it’s okay. In the nothingness of the absence of light, even the stars are silent in their journeys through the universe. Even the sun is silent as it spins, and even the earth is quiet as it looms in the darkness that surrounds it. Could anything could have been easier? Or was it just created this way, just for me?

I never understood these things, so as tears fall down my face alarms in my head ring. ‘Don’t let them know’ it tells me. ‘Don’t let it show’. But how can I not, when I’m where I am, who I am, and quite obviously the person that needs to speak out? It’s not that I’m different, or special…the steps of my endeavor are difficult. The reign of everything painful is something I cannot deny; it is something I cannot pass by. It is something I promised I would never show; I promised they would never know.

Now as I watch these skies with knowing eyes I wish for myself to have my dreams. The dreams that keep me up at night, desperately trying to break free from my mind and urging my feet to move, my fingers to create something that I cannot explain. As my fingers move, I cannot understand their process, but I can understand my own motivation. And in creation is something freeing; something that can’t ever be matched by anything else.

We are human. We are born to create, just as God did. I love who I am, but can I be more? Can I create the person I was before, only better and wiser than I ever knew? Can I behold the things I know are here but cannot see? Can I understand these things that plague me as I try to navigate this world?

It’s hard to let creation flow when your own mind is telling you ‘no’. ‘Yes’, I tell it. ‘Yes, I can do this’. And as the flow of my own thoughts become a stream that turns into a river, I find myself unable to stop it. I find myself unable to quench this thirst for knowledge, for creation, for understanding, and for the ability to know what I need. The ability to create for myself these things that I have fought so hard for. These things that bring me happiness, and the writing that comes out from within my soul.

It’s as if calligraphy writes itself upon my spirit, letting the rare others who can see it know who I truly am. I fight for my own dreams, but in that fight it seems that the ground opens up from beneath my feet and erases me from history.

So here I lie, allowing my soul to become something more. Here I speak, allowing myself to become the core of something great, something wonderful. Something that is unmatchable. Something that is undeniable.

Can I stand there on that black flooring, knowing that the lyrics that ring from my heart are my true feelings, even as I know that I promised I would never utter them? Can I look in a stranger’s eyes and know that they know more about me than I’d wish, but can I deny these invisible ties that beckon me towards this fate? I need these lyrics, this song. I need something to come along, to cool the flames and allow the writing to be all that is heard within the darkness. To allow my words to speak as art and my art to speak as words. To allow myself to open up in a way I forbade, and to allow myself to love myself more than I ever believed possible.

I always knew I wanted something of this type; I never knew I’d be right. I never knew it would manifest itself within my sight because as I fight for eleven years towards these goals that I had begun to deem impossible, I find numbers rising and I find people who love and understand. I find myself dancing to beat of my own heart, and I find myself exploring the wonderland that is my own creativity. I find new lines and ties to everything I’ve ever wanted; something that was once eternally closed off. Something that has somehow now opened itself up to me and allowed me to take reign.

So, learn my name. It won’t be in vain because in these veins burns the desire of a phoenix, and in these eyes burns the passion of something deeper than the deepest ties of existence. Something deep within me burns to be known, and something deep in my mind unfolds itself from its birthplace.

Oh dreams, set me free so that I can be me. Set me free, so that everything I ever sought will be mine for eternity.

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