These Fears

Words and lies. Fear and fights. I take flight, soaring away from the place of my nightmares. I fear those I’m around, although I love them. I fear I’ll be found, although they wouldn’t want to hurt me.

Fearing for my life in a way that doesn’t make sense, and fearing for myself in a way that sends me to the past. I never did find a way to let go of those memories enough to last. I never found a way to understand what I hear, what I see, and what I feel when all I can do is run from the fear.

Terror fills my limbs, but I choose not to let it control me. Let this be my coping. Allow this to be everything that I need that as these words hit this screen, I shall know that I am safe and sound within my own home, within God’s arms. I am safe and sound with my family and there’s nothing that can hurt me now.

PTSD is a nightmare I wouldn’t wish on anyone, although there are those that pretend to have it for attention. It sickens me, but perhaps I should not be so judgmental, as I myself don’t want to be judged. I’ve been judged enough for my life, for my fears, and for the past that I couldn’t control. It’s not fair to throw that into the hands of a young girl.

Eyes filling with tears, I fill peace fill my heart, and air floods my lungs. I am able to breathe again. Anything I need in order to convince myself that it’s not real, that these fears no longer exist, but live in the past and somehow portray themselves in the present in such a way that I find myself speechless with shock. But I don’t live my life that way, I don’t allow things to knock me down so easily. I am a survivor. I am a fighter, and I find myself drawn to the fight, knowing that I can win.

When my opponent is my own mind, I have to allow a smile to grace my lips because I know that there’s a way that I can deny it its tricks. Some would say that fighting their own mind would be a nightmare…but I find it to be relieving. This enemy I know how to fight. This thing I know how to change.

And as it fades away from my sight, I will find myself in the sky, taking flight.

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