Change

In my own frame of life, I am realizing that perhaps things aren’t that unique to me after all. With worries and fears, I am not the only one who experiences them. As the anxieties plague me at night, when the sun falls the panic starts. I am strong, but my weakness is highlighted by the things that cut to the very core. Still, I survive.

Here, I wonder what to write, but still, words come to my mind. Perhaps I’ll never have writer’s block in the way I had always thought I would and had. Only after did I realize the reasons for the ‘writer’s block’. Cruel people and even more cruel words. Words that permeate my mind, telling me that I’m not good enough and that nothing I ever do will be good enough.

So I sit. I sit and I write, hoping that somebody will like to read. I still and I put words to paper, feeling my soul leak into the ink of the pen I clutch within my hand. I have found myself more in the last month than I have in the past four years. Still, I am haunted by these fears.

As the darkness doesn’t have to destroy me anymore – I won’t let it – I still worry that it will find its way into my mind, twisting and turning until I am no longer mine. But that hasn’t happened for a long time; I will remain alright.

As these anxieties seize my chest, I find myself wanting to spill out words onto this canvas of story, but feel the fear that accompanies the truth that surrounds me, and the idea of putting the truth out for others to see. For I fear what others think. It’s not something I’m proud of; it’s not something I like. But I fear the judgements and the hurtful things; I fear the way their voices ring in my head. If only someone else could reign in my stead.

This is where I find my persona, my stage personality. Saruta. she is me, and I am her. I have created her to be just like me in my time of need, and now I need her more than ever. As I feel myself slipping further and further from my comfort zone, the anxieties that have always been held in reserve have broken free from their barriers.

In truth, I didn’t know what to write here until I began to type, and now I am grateful I did. Because these are the things that I cannot say out loud; the things that are somehow made real by the sound of my own voice validating them and creating them within the reality that I’ve always chosen not to see. Still, I know that I must venture further into unknown territory in order to get to where I want to be. And Saruta is there, here, with me.

As I fear writing something different because my current writings have delivered me success, I will write different things, because no one can grow unless they step outside of what they are used to. It is only outside those moments of comfort that we can truly grow. So, I allow my mind to wander, filling the void around me with words and thoughts I hadn’t allowed myself to engage with before.

But I can promise you and myself one thing: even as I change, I will always be the same.

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