All These Words

All these words I wish I could say to you. I can’t force them to reach you. And all of these nights I wish I had apologized. I waited until it was too late. All of these times where you were by my side, although I turned away. I wish that these words could reach you in a way that I had never said. I wish that I could prove to you how sorry I was, and that I didn’t mean anything bad. But still, I wasn’t in a good place, and I was unbearably sad.

Mental illness is nothing to mess with. It’s nothing to be entirely proud of; at least, not in my eyes. Of course, I will always be honest about my mental challenges, and I’ll be grateful for the strength they give me in the long run. I’m just not one of those people that can say I’m proud of the illnesses. To me…illness is not something to be proud of, though survival is.

I made it. I survived. And it’s been so many years, I wish I could see your eyes so that I could know what you thought as I thanked you for all you did for me. Trying to help me in my darkest moments, and I regret turning the other way. I resented it all, and that’s something I can never take away.

However, it’s in the past, and there’s nothing I can do about it now. Perhaps I can just find a way to move past it and live in the present. Maybe there’s a way that I can let go of all these little scrapes and bruises. These small wounds that have neglected to heal over the past eight years.

Still, I wish there was a way to say thank you, for everything you did. And if I could do it again, I know I would.

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The Girl I Used To Know

She dances as if the world doesn’t watch her. She sings as if the world doesn’t hear her. And I desperately try to be the person that she is, only to realize that she is already taken, and that I must be me. But as I watch her twirl as the world burns down, I wish that I could be that confident. I wish that I could find something within me that wouldn’t care what others thought. I wish that I wouldn’t worry all the time about how I look, how I sound, and how I feel.

The floor she dances on is barren. Covered in dust, it only provides traction for her to move her talented feet to dance even better. In the small white dress, I look through the mirror, placing my hand against the cold glass. Peering into another dimension, through the mirror at a girl I seemingly used to know. Her long brown hair that flows to her waist, twirling around her body as she spins with grace.

Who is this girl? Where did she come from?

Whatever I try in order to speak to her, it doesn’t work. She cannot hear me, but I can hear her. Perhaps this is because I am nothing but a reflection; the reflection of a life she left behind long ago. But even as I tug at my flame-like red hair, I know that it must be more than that.

Even as I blink, she’s stopped dancing and stands up across from me, on the other side of the mirror. She watches me with a strange gaze…this girl that looks so much like a doll. What I wouldn’t give to shatter the glass between our dimensions so that I could speak to her; just once. To whisper to her two words: thank you. 

But even as she turns and walks away, I feel a tear trickle down my cheek, my hand leaving the mirror and the ability to let go. Because in the end, the girl I see in the reflection…she’s me.

Writing

I write to satiate these feelings inside of me; the desire to soar up into the sky and never come down. The desire to fly into the clouds and enjoy their ever-lasting presence.

It can be very hard day-to-day, and sometimes I wonder how I’ll go on. I struggle with writing in the first place because I struggle with staying focused. But somehow writing has begun to be my solace. The place where I can come to rest, to relax, and to be truly me. I’ve never felt this world would ever truly accept me for who I am.

I have struggled all my life with being different. Perhaps that’s okay. Maybe it’s fine to be different than everyone else, and maybe it’s okay to use writing to fill up that empty feeling in my chest. But something happened that I never expected: not only does the empty feeling become filled upon writing, but it disappears completely.

When I was younger I never thought that anything could ever help me. The depression I felt, the anxiety I felt with simply walking outside because I was afraid of being criticized for everything and anything I was. I wondered if there was ever a way out, and later, I found there was. Through my words I can find a way out.

To be honest, I’m not sure why I’m writing this. But this has satiated that need within me; filled that empty space. And if someone ends up liking this and relating to it, then good. That’s something I’ll be very happy about. But I’ve come to realize that nobody has to relate to or like my writing for me to be happy with it. Writing is language that comes from your soul, and if that’s not one of the most sacred things in the world…I don’t know what is.

Hallow’s Eve

Here on Hallow’s Eve, I find myself daring to leave. Something deep inside of me; something that now brings me peace.

On this once frightening day, I see children out to play. On this once frightening spirit, I know now how to clear it.

Oh Hallow’s Eve, how beautiful you are, with every mark and every scar. I watch you from afar. Envious of all that you are. I find myself drawn to the darkness, the frightening faces and creatures. There’s something about it that my mind needs to feature. Something deep within that calls my name; the name I bore in another life I lived. I feel as though it’s calling out to me, rattling against my own ribs. Trying to get to my heart, to the very core and the very start. As I find that perhaps only the darkness understands me, you are here to simply let me be.

 

Happy Halloween everybody!

Paid All My Dues

Sometimes it seems that life goes on without meaning to. It goes on, relentlessly and ruthlessly. That’s what I’ve learned, at least.

At night, I dream of a little house in the sky. Somewhere I can go to call home. It has wooden floors and herbs in planters. It has sunshine all the time and fresh air and the smell of lavender and ladders to climb up to a little bunk with books, blankets, and pillows so that I can read as I fall asleep with the sun shining on my face.

I’m always in a beautiful dress, imagining myself as a fairy. Something that – to me – means innocence. It’s an innocence that I would do anything to get back. And every time I have this dream, there’s chaos that I’m escaping from in the dream. The chaos always comes from a reflection of my real life. I escape to my Sky House, and everything will be okay.

What I wonder is if one day, I could realistically build such a house? Could I realistically build such a little sanctuary? Because even as I sit in my room, something that used to be my sanctuary, I cannot find the peace I once had. Now, all I feel is the pain as yelling and screaming permeates the entire house and I seek to find a home as I realize that the word ‘home’ has seeped out of where I now live.

Don’t get me wrong, though. I do love where I live. I do love family. But toxicity is toxicity, and it can be terrifying. Of course, if I ever make it that far – as to find my own home – I will always keep the relationships intact. However, even as I cut and bleed, cry and bitterly fall asleep at midnight – or sometimes not at all – there’s this inkling that there’s something right around the corner. Something better that’s coming my way. There’s always this thing in my heart that whispers: You’ve paid your dues. 

I will make it through anything, for I am as strong as diamond. However, right now, I don’t shine as bright. I remember someone once telling me that diamonds needed to be cut down – their rough edges taken off before they shined and glimmered like they do on TV.

Now, I realize that I am that diamond, and I’m simply having those rough edges taken off. And someday I hope to be fitted into the most beautiful ring in the world, to find the happiness I’ve always sought, and the peace that I once knew.

All I Can Rely On

It seems that I’ll never truly understand this world, and perhaps that’s the way it’s meant to be. I never knew that it would be so hard, but I’d rather have a challenge than know that I’ve accomplished little to nothing.

It was never something that I regretted, however. Fighting for the things that I desired and the things that I knew I needed. And perhaps those things would fill the empty holes in my heart. Perhaps they would heal the wounds in my soul, and extract the poison that ravages my being.

But maybe not.

It’s all yet to be seen, how this all turns out. It’s something so simple yet so complicated. Nothing I ever would have expected. The ghosts watching me with a judgmental stare and the demons leaking out of the woodworks. I’ve seen from the people that I used to look up to that I should never crumble; I should never allow myself to flatten like they did. I will never allow myself to be destroyed in that way.

At some point I wish that I could have done it all different. I look back at the memories before, and wish that I could walk backwards within time to relive them again. But when I remember the struggles I faced during those moments, I find myself wanting to stay in the present. I find myself wishing for the future, and that’s something I’ve grown accustomed to. Something that I’ve found solace in, because as these things that I used to love and used to need no longer bring comfort to me. I struggle with that fake smile on my face everyday, but it’s exactly what I said in the beginning.

I’d rather fight for what I desire and fill the holes that are in my heart than allow myself to crumble like the people that I used to put so much trust in. Perhaps I’ve learned that sometimes, all you can rely on is yourself.

Uninhibited

Uninhibited, I am someone who speaks what I want and need. In these dark hills, I walk away from greed.

Unaffected, I am the one who keeps trying, because I’m not fond of life dying.

Unreal, I reach towards the stars, knowing that my fingertips reach far.

And understanding, to know that I know exactly where I’m landing.

In this world of terror and worry, I won’t allow it to steal my flurry of love and truth, honestly something I hold so dearly to my heart.

I want to be who I am, and I will be. Because the only person I can be is me.

Gentler Creatures

These days together lately have been rough. But I find myself to be tough. Toughened by the challenges that lie in front of me, but not hardened by what they create of me.

I wish that I could’ve done better in the past, but what’s done is done. There’s nothing I can do but move on.

As I allow my face to turn towards the light with the sun to shine on my features, I will forever understand that I am one of those gentler creatures.

In Vain

These breathings of my heart are in vain, because all of these things that I’ve tried to do have never come together. I fight, but is there a reason to? Is there a reason to breathe anymore? Is there a reason to be here anymore? Is there a reason to be doing all of this, in vain, if I feel like there’s no reason to breathe at all?

Of course, there’s nothing that I can do. It’s something that simply has to come through for me in a way that right now I know not. In a way that I have to wait to be revealed to me. And let me tell you, it’s not easy. I feel my heart constrict, and I feel the tears in my eyes. I feel my heart begin to sink and I feel everything I once knew begin to break.

I feel everything I ever needed start to fade away, and I ask myself if I could possibly go with them. Because I am afraid, and I need to find a way to get away. I need to find a place to stay, somewhere I can call home and know that I am safe. And in the midst of these things that I write of, sometimes I don’t know what I need. And sometimes I don’t know what should come to me. All I know is that I’m filled with sadness and a broken heart.

In my heart, I always wished that I could be happy. But depression comes in, along with anxiety. And there’s nothing I can do to force it out of me save for the small little hopes that something will come of it. I can’t fight it off, and I can’t banish it from my mind. There’s nothing I can do to save what’s mine.

In my heart, these breathings are real. These things that I need are real. But I’m not sure how to make what I need real. I’m not sure how much longer I can hold on, here with this avalanche of thoughts and feelings and everything that feels so wrong. I feel as if I’ve been abandoned, and don’t know if I can take it one more moment.

I yearn for the light to shine, for there to be a reason to smile. I yearn for there to be something to pull me out of these darkest depths, and to help me find something to save me from myself. And I don’t know what that is, but I know it isn’t this. All I feel is that I’m floating through an endless abyss.

I want so desperately for that day to come, the day where I can be everything that I want to be. Because I feel held back, and I feel like I have a million pounds sat upon my shoulders, and I feel as though there’s no way for me to be able to make it any lighter. I feel as if there’s no way for me to be able to find that secret key that will bring me to the success that I’ve dreamed of.

I know the world isn’t made up of success. But I also know that finding success is my only way out of this cave of darkness for which I feel subjected to. I don’t want to seem as if I’m being dramatic, or as if I’m full of it, but I can’t help but feel like there’s nothing else I can do. I know that the success of everything I love is the key to leaving this place of darkness and horror. But is there a way that I can possibly reach the edge of it, and make my way to the light?

I’m not sure. I don’t know if there’s any way that I could be heard in my plight. Because even as I fight, there’s nothing I can do to make this burden light. Perhaps if I pray it will feel a little bit better, but I’ve been told to pour out my heart, and thus here I am. To make myself vulnerable, because nobody likes someone who only shows their highlight reel. Nobody likes those who are only willing to show their greatest accomplishments.

I feel as though there’s nothing I can do to get to where I want to be, and where I am now is somewhere I don’t want to be. But how can I possibly find my way out when there’s no one here to help me?

I suppose I just feel tears in my eyes, and there’s nothing but surprise to reach from behind and horror to meet from that small voice in the back of my mind that tells me I’m not good enough. And sometimes when I read back these words, they make sense. Right now, to me, nothing makes sense.

And perhaps that’s the way it’s supposed to be.

Write My Truth

Write your truth. 

I pray a lot. I feel like, in the world – especially here in the United States – it is nearly forbidden to speak about God or anything of the like. Of course we aren’t hurt physically by speaking of Him, but we are yelled at, made fun of, and told that it’s absolutely inappropriate, among other things. But I pray more than three times a day, because it is my solace. It is everything to me. I have turned my face towards Him and now my depression and anxiety aren’t so incredibly difficult.

I always wondered what it would be like to reach the goals that I’ve set for myself. I still wonder, because I haven’t reached them yet. I still wonder what it would be like to get out of a tour bus at a gas station and look up at the stars in the night sky. I still wonder what it would be like to even live on a tour bus – a dream come true for me, because I love to travel, and I don’t care where I sleep, so long as I have a warm blanket.

I want so badly to be a singer. I want so badly to be an entertainer. And I’m working towards it. I’m working towards writing my own music and breaking into that field with all my might. I’m also doing it with writing, but perhaps not as strongly.

I found that as I wrote on here, I wasn’t writing my truth. I wasn’t necessarily writing what I wanted to write, or what I felt like writing. I thought I was burnt out, but really I just didn’t feel connected to what I wrote. And to write my truth…that’s the answer I received in a prayer when I asked what I needed to do concerning this blog. Write my truth.

So, I suppose this is my truth: I’m coming towards my dreams, and I’m securing their place in my life. But I need to make sure that I secure my own well-being in addition to that. I need to make sure that I’m making what I love a priority, and I need to make sure that I make myself a priority. I’m one of those people that often allows themselves to get lost in the traffic of trying to take care of everyone else. I find myself to be endlessly taking care of everyone around me, and when I collapse in my bed, exhausted, I don’t even know what to do with myself. I become so overwhelmed, but don’t feel justified taking a break and doing something for myself. I.E. doing what I need to in order to keep myself healthy and happy. And right now, that’s music.

Of course, I am going to continue to write on here, but for some reason, I feel as though music is what is really calling me right now. More than anything else I’ve ever felt. I don’t know why, but I’ve never been one to ignore a gut feeling. Still, I will write here every single day, and I will write my truth. 

Because the truth is where it all began.