Brain

I have struggled my whole life, trying to figure out who I am. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve begun to realize that perhaps we never truly figure out who we actually are.

We are constantly changing and evolving, because humans are designed to be adaptable. We are designed to adapt to our aging bodies, our changing surroundings, and our ever-shifting social dynamics. It’s in our DNA. So how could we possibly pinpoint exactly who we are when, by the time we think we have gotten right, we’ve changed again?

As humans, we have so much more to us than our looks, the way we talk, the food we eat, or our weight. I’ve struggled with all of these things in my life and I’m only just starting to break free of their grasp.

We are complex being, complex individuals who cannot be summed up by a word or a sentence or a paragraph or everything a novel. Perhaps we are too complicated to ever truly understand ourselves.

Our brains are what have made everything known in this world, and yet we ourselves cannot understand the workings of our own minds.

Does this mean we are simply incapable of reaching such feats, or does it mean that we have a mind that chooses not to recognize what it is capable of?

To me, it’s the latter. We are far too complex to never reach those heights, but in the end, maybe it’s best that we don’t.

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Stardust

There are some of us that believe in souls, and some who don’t. I’m one who believes. But what if we humans have more than just a soul? What if we have something so much more uniquely special?

I truly believe that the universe is one big mind, filled with music, dance, art, and more. And no, I’m not talking about a Matrix-like mind. I’m talking about how all of us – every single one of us – are born and created from the same stardust that created our world. Doesn’t that make us unique?

If you go on YouTube, you can find videos that display frequencies of sounds that come from our planets. Our solar system and its planets actually make their own sounds, like an eternal track of music. Saturn’s is my favorite, as it sounds like a ghostly wail lighting up the night. So, let me ask you: if everything in the universe is supposedly inanimate, then how can our planets sing?

I’ll tell you: because nothing is inanimate. Everything in this universe has a mind, a soul, a heart, a spirit. They sing, they think, they move around the blackness in an eternal dance, forever forced together by the pieces of themselves that fit together so uniquely like a puzzle.

Not too long ago, I discovered an article that detailed how scientists are now discovering the ‘shape’ of the known universe. The picture was beyond breathtaking. The galaxies that could seem to be just chaos align together to create brilliant strands of light, pulled up and down in threads of wonder.

So, now I ask you: do you believe the universe is a mind? I do. But not just one mind. I believe that our universe moves, thinks, changes, and has its own soul. Everything moves in a dance, making its own music, emitting the tunes out into the darkness.

And so, if our universe is so incredible, so intricate and filled with thought, then how could we not be as well?

After all, we are made of stardust.

Mother Earth

Love can be such a complicated thing. But when we really think about it…is it really that complicated?

Love is something we all speak of, something we all believe we know. Love is the butterflies in your stomach when someone touches your arm, or the happiness and complete joy you feel from doing something anonymous for someone. My mom always called those things ‘hidden trophies’.

In my life, I would like to collect as many hidden trophies as possible.

I know there are many things that I’m good at, and many things I’m not good at. There are things that I understand and things I don’t understand. But one thing I am sure of is this: I know how to love. Truly and completely from the heart. And I definitely can’t say that for everyone I know.

I am not one of those people who will put myself above others, or say that I know how to do things they don’t simply to show that I have a skill or a talent that I want to show off. No, I’m a very private person. But in my search for my self-worth these past three years as I’ve been a full-time caretaker for my mother, I have discovered one thing I do better than anything else: love. I have the ability to truly love someone from the heart, in a way that doesn’t discriminate. I am able to love someone in a way they’ve never been loved before, and I would like to believe that this translates to all walks of life.

I’ve never really been in a relationship before (not a good one, anyways) but I know that when I am, I will do everything I can to shower that person with the deepest love and passion that I possibly can. Why? Because I want them to know how grateful I am to have them in my life. I want them to know how much I love them, how broken I would be if they were suddenly gone, and most importantly, I want them to realize what they’re worth.

I want to give others the things that I was never given in my life. Other than being loved by immediate family (my mom and brother), I have never really experienced good things in my life. Very rarely have I been given good things.

This world is selfish, cut-throat, and a battle against one another. I wish it wasn’t this way. Especially when it comes to love. I have found myself wishing on more than one occasion that money itself didn’t exist. If money didn’t exist, we wouldn’t have the need to false love.

I have often wondered what it would be like without technology and without the Internet (although I love both) because I wonder if it would give us the ability to learn to stop and look at the world around us. So many things around us are dying and we don’t even notice it. We are too buried in are smartphones and our technology, our likes on Facebook and Instagram, and the latest Tweet from our favorite celebrities. Why can’t we look up, look around, and appreciate the things around us? The things around us that are likely to be gone soon, maybe even tomorrow?

When I see nature, I try to snap a picture in my mind. I try to capture it. The feel, the scent, the look of it. The rustle of leaves on a tree moving in the wind, the smell of we earth when it rains, the look of a fresh daisy, and the joy of watching how tall a sunflower can grow. These are the simple pleasures that we have foregone in an effort to find the latest and greatest things. But in reality, our world is dying, and I’m not talking about global warming. Our world is dying because we fail to look at it. We fail to genuinely stop and look at our surroundings. Haven’t we thought about the fact that the earth itself is a living being, that it could very well feel and think just as we do, but on different wavelengths? Have we ever thought of the possibility that the reason so many things on the earth are dying could be because we fail to take care of them, and instead of blossoming in her own love for herself, the earth shrivels up, ashamed of herself for the way we treat her?

I like to think of the earth as an actual person, although not a human being. Something much more. Something beyond our comprehension and understanding at this point in time. I like to believe that the earth can hear us, understand us, but that she is also crying out, asking us to stop bullying her. Is there anything we can do to make her feel better?

I have heard countless times that one person cannot change or save the world, but I don’t believe that. I believe that if I put enough effort into something, that I can change that thing for the better – and even truly save it in the process. I like to pick up garbage, to clean things, to help little critters that are injured. Does it help? Maybe not in the big picture, but it helps me to believe that we can truly respect mother earth who has so selflessly given herself for our lives.

Isn’t that the least we can do?

Control

Why do we dominate and allow ourselves to be dominated? By the media, by magazines, by social media? They all tell us how we should look, how we should act, what we should eat, and even what we should weigh. This type of mind control through social settings is toxic.

However, a world without social media would be just as toxic. We humans will always find a way to hurt and control one another, though cruelty is something I will never understand.

In the midst of our busy world, ask yourself: am I in control, or am I in the control of something else.

The answer just might change your life forever.

Imperfect

It doesn’t matter how imperfect you are, or how imperfect you may feel, you are perfect to me.

There are things in this world that are unacceptable, and to hurt someone because they don’t live up to your definition of ‘perfect’ is one of them.

Fly little bird. Take your flight, because the ways everyone treat you are not right. Please remember that I will always be there, smiling from the ground, urging you to soar into the heavens.

You cry because you are not the perfect you are expected to be; I cry because I cannot bear to see the sadness behind your eyes, or bear to understand the reason why. You are so wonderful, so beautiful, a masterpiece of your own design. How is it that you don’t love your own smile when it shines brighter than mine?

Your eyes have the depth of a soul who has seen the true darkness of the world, and yet your actions reflect the innocence you keep within your heart.

Please try not to cry my darling, and look up to the sky. Sure, rain may be falling, but do you see the glisten on those droplets of water? The sweet scent of wet earth and the feeling of a fresh start? That is what you are. You may not see it, but you are my fresh start.

I have searched all my life for someone to understand me, and yet you seem to know me for the eternity we must have spent together that neither of us remember. I have glimpses of you clothed in brilliant white, sitting on the grass in the light.

So allow me to lay this here: you will forever be my dear.

I Am Not Perfect

I am not perfect. None of us are, and yet we pretend to be perfect. On our Tinder profiles, our Facebooks and Instagrams. The highlight reels of others’ lives have haunted me for years.

When I was a child, I swore I would never tell the truth of how I felt. I swore to myself that I would tell no one of how fat my thighs felt and how miserable I felt and how I used to scream in my head for help from the darkness of my sorrow for some mind-reading stranger to hear and come help. But I broke that oath with myself, and let me tell you: it’s the best thing I’ve ever done.

Now I can be me. I’m still learning, still smoothing rough edges. But I am still me. The me that stands in front of a Michael Jackson music video, sobbing because I miss him. The me that is in love with kittens, can’t understand cruelty, and doesn’t know how to change a tire (or drive).

This is who I am, whether I want to be or not.

I used to hide who I was, who I am. But now I don’t. I have recently realized that the greatest disservice I can do myself is to pretend to be someone else.

The same goes for all of us. Why do we pretend to be perfect when perfection itself is ugly, and flaws – a tooth gap, a nasally voice, or any other perceived flaws – are what is truly beautiful.

Be beautiful. Be you.

I Love You

I love your face, your subtle grace. The way everything you seem to ace.

I love your voice, that soft tempo with which you sing so sincerely and kindly, loving those around you.

I love your everlasting truth, and I ache with the need to hold you each time your breath is taken by pain, each time your efforts feel in vain. Because this world has not treated you right; they don’t deserve your wisdom, your freedom and flight. And it’s not okay how they fight, but not for what’s right.

I will stand by your side unlike any before me. I will walk behind you and guard your back. I will be there to wipe the tears and to take your fears. I will be there to make you laugh, to love you truly and to understand you on a level no one has before.

Because you are everything to me. To see sadness in your eyes brings tears to mine because it hurts so bad to watch you suffer. I will do anything to see that smile that shines the brightest, to face the world in their mocking of us to believe that we are freaks. Well, allow them to say what they will. I would rather be a freak than someone on the sidelines watching you weep.

It seems that I have known you for eternity; the depth within your eyes stirs everlasting love in me. There’s nothing you could do to steer me away, because I know it would only be in an effort to not be hurt again.

There’s nothing you could do in order to make me not love you. I will give everything to you in a way the rest of the world will not, and a second chance is more than what you deserve. A second chance to love and be loved. Because honey, this world doesn’t know how to love. Not in the way you do.

And if you so desired it, I would walk away, making sure to remain a support every step of the way. If you needed something, I would go without, just to see the smile in your eyes when you realize you aren’t alone.

Because there’s nothing thats more true than the fact that I love you.

Who Am I?

I’ve always had a lot to say, and a worry that no one would be around to hear it. Having a chronic illness can be scary, especially since I’m going to turn 24 in a few months and my maximum life expectancy was eight days. Needless to say, I’ve always been worried about not being able to say all of the things that I want to say before I die. However, God has blessed me with this life, and I’m not going to waste it worrying.

So, who am I? I’ve always asked myself that, and I keep coming to one resounding answer: I am everything and I am nothing. Because a human personality, a human identity cannot be summed up with one turn, one phrase, one flick of the tongue. Because I am so much more than words on a page, and you are too. I would encourage anyone reading this to challenge what you’ve thought about yourself. Are you a test result, a grade average, a report card? Or are you so much more?

I have discovered in my short 24 years of living in this earth that while I am a writer and it is my job to describe what cannot be described, one can never truly describe the human soul. We cannot be summed up by mere words or expressions because we are so much more. We are made of stardust – the very essence of what made the sun itself. We are made of the same material, the same energy, and the same magic. If that isn’t wonderful, then I don’t know what is.

I like to challenge society, and so I will end on this note: dear reader, I am going to give you a challenge. Write down who you are. Every trait that you can think of, good or bad. The things you love about yourself, the things you hate about yourself. Anything that could describe you. Next? I want to crumple that paper up and throw it away. Shred it, burn it. Erase it from existence.

Because you are so much more than words on a paper.

Beauty

I have always thought that sadness and sorrow is a type of beauty. I’ve always found beauty in tears. Why? Because it’s human. It is us being who we are. When we allow tears to slip out, we allow our true selves to show.

For the longest time, I didn’t know why I found beauty in the things I did, but I knew that these things were just naturally beautiful to me. Strange things like crying, tears and pain. The beauty I see is not the beauty that society has taught us to perceive, but a different type of beauty, something that doesn’t exist within this day-to-day spectrum.

I have always struggled to be who I am, but now I know that I am capable of being who I am.

And so are you.

Acceptance

Accepting things can be difficult, if not impossible. Especially when these things you need to accept are some of your greatest fears.

I have always had a slew of fears regarding my physical health, because I was born with three major organs being chronically ill. I’ve been very sick my entire life, but now at 23 years old, the reality sets in. It’s not just my organs that are in danger, but other parts of my body as well that are considered disposable.

I discovered a long time ago that when the body is fighting to provide for a failing organ – let alone three failing organs – that it will give up on what is considered ‘superficial’, such as teeth and finger and toe nails. But there are other things the body will also give up – the senses of sight and hearing.

As I am already aware that my sight has been on a steep decline, it has always been a paralyzing fear of mine to be blind. How would I write? Sketch? See my loved ones? Now it’s a reality that I need to come to terms with – something I had always thought I could avoid. The same can and probably will happen for my hearing. To be deaf is scary enough, but to be deaf and blind at the same time is terrifying. I’m only 23 years old, and I have my entire life ahead of me. Still though, I don’t consider it over.

I don’t see acceptance as weakness; I see it as noble. To accept your deepest fears, allow them to happen and then to keep moving forward is something I am fortunately pretty good at.

It’s not easy to accept these things, and there is certainly no shortage of tears. But if I do end up losing these portions of myself, I know I will gain others in the long run.

And who knows? Maybe they will end up healing. Or…maybe even with these challenges I can be the one in a million that makes it work. A blind painter. A deaf singer. A dancer who has always struggled to move. It has happened before, so who is to say it won’t happen again?