Unity

To me, there’s nothing in this world quite like creating something. Whether it is music, writing, or both, I find that I’m the happiest when I create.

I want to make my music very unique, and I have many different influences musically. But one thing that I think is more important than a musical influence, however, is the passion with which you are working with something. Passion is everything. It can make or break a career in the performing arts, and it can definitely make or break the success that you’d wish to have by driving people away.

I notice that if I’m listening to music and it’s overly produced and more than five people wrote the song, I become irritated with the sound, and I become irritated with the idea of the song. It’s not that I’m judging how many people had to finish the track, it’s that I can’t imagine sharing creative control of my work with anyone. It’s insane how some people are willing to just hand over creative control. Another thing that I don’t understand is those that go into the music industry or Hollywood looking to make a name, or become famous. I have never made music because I’ve wanted to be famous. I’ve never really wanted to be famous in the first place. All I’ve wanted is to create something that means something to me, and hope that it connects with others.

I have had many people tell me that I’m an excellent writer. I don’t know whether or not this is true because I choose not to analyze my works and creations. I would much rather leave them raw, and not touch them once they feel finished.

Maybe I’m simply a control freak, and I love to have everything within my control. Or maybe I could actually make the turn out that I’ve always dreamed of, with others connecting to my music and writing, and finding people who love the same things as I do.

To me, that’s unity.

Desperation vs Fun

I think we all like to believe that we know exactly what we’re doing; that we’re the expert in our field. But more often than not, we are just trying to keep our head above water, flailing and trying to make it work. That’s how I feel about this blog, and this website in general. Honestly, I don’t know what to write. I don’t know what to write about. All I know is what I want this website to be in the future, but that won’t help me get there. At least I have a goal in sight though.

I need concrete goals, just like we all do for everything in our lives. I need something concrete to cling to, and I need to know what I’m doing. I’m sorry to say that I haven’t really been sure what I’ve been doing since I began this blog. But I’m starting to gain some sight.

I’ve always wanted to be an entertainer, and I haven’t always been shy talking about it. But today when I was streaming my favorite video game on Twitch, I was shocked to see that I actually had four viewers. At first, I thought it was some sick joke my system was playing on me. Then I wondered if someone had wanted to make me believe that I’d made an impact, and somehow faked it. But neither of those are realistic. The most realistic answer to it is that I really did have four viewers. It is interesting because I always thought I knew what I’d do when I somehow reached the place I dreamed of, but today I didn’t know what to do. For several hours afterwards, I was speechless. I’m not usually speechless. If you ask anyone in my life, they will tell you that I blabber 24/7 and that I never shut up. But, as I said, today I was speechless. I was shocked that anybody would ever want to watch me stream on Twitch, and it occurred to me just how badly I’ve been wanting something without really believing that I was worthy, or that it would actually happen. When I look back and thought it was a sick joke…that’s just sad.

But it really shows how a change in attitude can change your life. As I have desperately wanted something like what I reached today, the desperation has definitely turned people away. But since I saw that number, thought it wasn’t real, and kept streaming, the number stayed. I’ve never had such a high number stay for as long as it did. And then I felt like I was Taylor Swift or something, telling everyone in my house how grateful I was that it happened and was honored that people were actually interested in me. (I mean no offense to Taylor in any way, I love her to death).

I’ve found that when you are desperate, no one will come to you. When you are having fun, that is when someone will notice, sit down for a minute, and possibly end up staying.

Phoenix Feather

All my life, I have struggled with trying to understand who I am. Whoever I am…or whoever I was…has seemed to change tonight. I’m not going to go into details, but things happened. Unexpected things, and I lost a dear friend (not through death, just differences). It was in that moment that I realized I was putting more into trying to be the person that I thought the rest of the world would accept instead of trying to be who I truly was. Even when I tried to be who I truly was or who I thought I was, I didn’t really know what I was doing or where I was headed. It seemed like there was no pathway, and I was already in a dead-end alleyway. But something changed tonight, and I feel like I have truly found myself.

As I’ve said in another post here on this site, I believe that no one can truly be defined by just one word, term, or category. Now I know that for sure. I know now who I am, and I am far from a number, a color, or a word. I am far more than the ‘girl who survived’, although that’s a good legacy to have.

However, I want to create a different legacy, one that I have crafted myself. And so my journey starts.

My journey to the freedom of self-expression, knowing who I am, and knowing that no matter what happens in my life and even if my own body can and does feel like a prison because of being sick, there is nothing that can truly encase my soul or my spirit. Even if that may sound hokey. There’s nothing that can truly imprison me, and I have tried far too hard to be what I thought others wanted me to be. Now I realize that it doesn’t matter what or who I am - they will hate me anyway. So, why not just have fun with it?

Normally, I would end this post with something like ‘so, who am I?’ and then give a small list of what makes me who I am. I now realize that lists are hollow, and so are words if they are not believed. In addition, I have more to say than just a small bullet list of maybe five or six traits that supposedly make me up as a human being.

I know that I chose this life - somewhere in a dimension beyond this one - and I know that I am who I am because I have survived. And now I’m willing and ready to fight for everything that I’ve believed in, had faith in, and everything I’ve wanted to do for the past twelve years. I am ready to fight for the music career that I’ve wanted and wished I could pursue. I am ready to write a story that I can publish into a book, and I’m ready to do it all under the name Saruta Valentine.

Because Saruta is special to me. You may be wondering why I speak of myself in the third person, but the reality is, Saruta is not my real name. I am not going to share my real now - not now, maybe not ever. I am Saruta, and I will be her. I will be her, the character that I created in my years of desperation for the fear, anxiety, depression, and hatred to stop. The years that I fought a minutely battle against my mental illnesses, physical illnesses, and everything in between. The years where I wasn’t healthy, and a fictional character that I created named Saruta Valentine was all I had. Then, one day, I decided that I would become her.

I created Saruta with the fact in mind that she was completely and still is completely based off of myself. Everything that I believe, everything that I’ve wanted, and most importantly, all of the pain I’ve felt in my life. The older I got, the more I realized that this story I was creating around this fictional character looked closer and closer to the story I had lived in my real life, and so comes the story that I intend to publish.

However, it seems that as I discover who I truly am, I find myself to be a phoenix; a mythical creature that I have been so fascinated with ever since I first learned what it was. I love the legend of the Phoenix, about how she dies over and over again, just to be reborn as a goddess more beautiful than the last. I believe myself to be that very legend, and I would like to brand myself as so.

Even as I have felt like nothing but a barcode that needed to be fixed, I have died over and over only to be reborn again. Now I understand why. Because in the ashes, decay, and debris of who I once was lies the glowing feather - the ember - of everything that I have ever been meant to be. And now I take that feather into the palm of my hand, hold it to my heart, and allow it to light up my soul. With its warmth, I will find everything I have ever searched for.

With its warmth, I will be me.

Hepatology

Today I have an appointment with the liver specialist, hepatology. Similar to how a ‘cardiologist’ is a heart specialist. I’ve been to cardiology all my life, but now I have to see the hepatologists because my liver isn’t working well. I just hope they don’t throw something like nephrology in there (kidney specialists). It just seems like none of my major organs work sometimes, and considering that I only slept five hours last night I’m not very happy about having to leave the house today. Not fun.

But there’s nothing wrong with hepatology. In fact, they are much nicer than cardiology, which is where I’ve always gone. The liver people even offered me hot cocoa! Cardiology doesn’t seem to care who they inconvenience, and I’m used to waiting a minimum of three hours just to get seen. Needless to say, I always bring something to do.

My heart is the organ that works the least while liver is second, lungs are third, and kidneys are last. Thankfully the kidneys are the easiest to treat, but it’s frustrating that the others don’t work, and I must say that at twenty-four, I’m surprised I haven’t lost all of my hair or something over all the stress my heart condition has caused me over the years. I’m surprised the doctors haven’t quit as well. But considering that most of the doctors I see have been there for decades, there’s little they haven’t seen.

It’s frustrating because I scare a lot of people just by them knowing that I’m sick. Then, when they figure out it’s a very rare sickness, pretty much untreatable, and that I’ve had it since I was born, they tend to give me a very wide berth and avoid eye contact. It can be irritating when others don’t treat me like a human being when I already struggle with being in the hospital all the time anyway.

Not that I’m complaining. I’m alive, and that’s what matters.

Anyway, I hope all of you have a wonderful Wednesday morning, April 24th!

Can't Sleep

Is there ever a way to find sleep in a mind that is nearly driven mad with concepts and ideas that can’t be written down but simply executed? I don’t think so. I’ve never been able to find a solution, at least. I’ve had many a sleepless night over my ideas and concepts and the things I want to do. My callings.

If there was such a thing as a switch that simply turned sleep on, however, I don’t think I’d use it. I think I would stay awake. I love the night, and often feel like the night belongs to me. I have never really had anything that completely belonged to me - not even my own life, really - and the night has felt like a dear friend as the rest of the world is asleep. It’s so quiet, and I remember looking out of the hospital window on the third floor of the hospital I stayed at as a child, and looking out at the city lights below. They were like twinkling stars and I wondered if I could ever become a part of that world. Hopefully, someday I will.

Is it enough to believe in something and to understand it, or is it not enough to simply have faith when there are so many that will stomp on it? I think that it’s enough to believe and have faith, and anyone who stomps on it is someone who has been led down a bad road. One where their own beliefs and faith have been stomped on and destroyed. Though I never have understood the desire to destroy others in the midst of your own destruction…perhaps that’s something I’ll never understand.

At least I keep the details of my ideas to myself…I think I would go insane if I didn’t.

Calling

It seems like the ebb and flow of my ever-reaching desire is reaching me this morning. It is 12:25am and I cannot sleep. It seems like I won’t sleep tonight; at least not very much.

I’m filled with ideas and doubts and stories and theories. All about different things and different passions, interests and things that I want to try. I always worried what others thought of me, but that’s useless, as I can’t change what they think about me. All my life people have seen me as an attention-seeker. I don’t know why. Maybe because I actually talk about my problems instead of remaining closed off like the rest of the world (which is absolutely not healthy).

I want to challenge myself. I want to be able to make something out of nothing, and be proud of it. There’s nothing like creating something yourself and being able to see it work and function like the little baby of yours it is. I have always been interested in innovation and things that are crazy at first but very good ideas with twists and turns. I love a challenge, and I love to be able to do something difficult. There’s something so satisfying about doing something difficult…and succeeding.

Like this website, it’s all the baby of something much bigger. A single seed. The first planted in what will become a grove of trees, and then a forest. That’s what I intend, anyway.

But I digress. I love to create, and creating is the only way that I can seem to keep the edge off of my depression and anxiety disorders, as well as my physical health problems. I have always wanted to be an inspiration, but I never thought about how much I needed to be an inspiration to myself first.

I’ve had people tell me all my life that I’m an inspiring person, and that I’m able to inspire them to be better people. They tell me it’s because of the way I’ve fought for my life. The way I was diagnosed to die, but fought to live and succeeded. I always wanted to be able to do that for others, and I’ve wanted to be an entertainer since I was thirteen. I wanted to be able to capitalize on my inspiring backstory to be able to help others, but in the end, I realized that it was me that needed help the most. One of my biggest flaws (and good traits) is that I take care of everyone around me before I take care of myself. This can be a good thing and a bad thing.

I love simplicity, but I also love complicated ideas. There’s something so appealing to me as ideas that are complicated and have so many different layers and parts. And I worry about whether or not anyone would even care. My insecurities have felt as if they’ve eaten my alive lately. But my mental health is getting better. My depression is becoming less debilitating and my anxiety is fading a little bit. Maybe it’s better coping. But I prefer to believe something different: when I create the things that I feel I was destined to create, I am able to walk away from my challenges, even if for a little bit.

There’s nothing like being able to walk away from pain and create for a bit, whether it’s writing or songwriting or music composition, or simple sketching random shapes that become a pattern. I’m a person that likes a little bit of everything, and I very much do not like being confined to just one answer or one choice. I don’t believe that any one thing is better than any other thing. That’s why I don’t have a favorite color.

I have searched for eleven years for ways to somehow boost my ‘career’ as a musician, entertainer, and author, but I missed something crucial: I was looking at it as a career and not as it truly was and is: a calling. Yes, I realize now that music, writing, art, and creation in any way is my absolute calling in life. I have worried constantly about finances, and I’ve struggled financially for many years. Growing up, I had little to eat and little ways of doing other things for many different reasons, none of which I will specify here.

In my search for my ‘career’ and what should have been realized as and known to be as my calling, I seem to have found myself. I always wondered just who I was, and wondered if I even had an identity at all. I had fought for my life since I was born - but that’s not an identity to me. Though, to be honest, I don’t believe that a person’s identity can be specified within a few words, or even just one term. We are complex beings, and there’s no way we can just summarize who we are with one word, or a sentence.

In the process of finding myself, I have found a way to take care of myself. And even as this blog post is all over the place, a stream of consciousness so to speak, I still love and need to write like this. And maybe…just maybe…someday I will be able to create and showcase my calling.

Good Enough

My mind and heart are filled with tears. My demons, as they arise and their heads they rear. If love was gone from this world, I don’t know that I could go on. It seems there is no one that I can rely on. No one but God, the One who is in charge of everything, my Father who resides in heaven, and reminds me of my seven.

If I could manage to escape, where would I escape to? It seems that there is no use. No, I feel trapped, and there’s nothing I can do about it. All I can do is watch the hour and count it.

This life I was given to live is something I consider a privilege, the one that I fought so hard to maintain. So, why is it that it seems that everything I do to try to add meaning to myself is an attempt in vain? All I can feel is the pouring rain, and the iced blood in my veins. But I am alive, and there’s reason to fight. Perhaps if I were to allow Him to take it into His hands, I’ll be able to sleep tonight.

I want nothing more than peace, nothing more than my demons to cease. But if there’s some gateway to sanity, it seems caught up in a vanity. The mirror that reflects my soul, if only I could bear it my own. I tread this earth with no one to call a friend, and wonder if things will be the same near the end.

But I don’t intend to have an ‘end’ soon, as I’ve fought for my life for as long as I can remember and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to stay of this earth a member. As the blood in my veins flow, I like to think of the red as flame. I want to believe that strength is my name. That I am a phoenix destined to be reborn, into a life that is less torn.

Of course rebirth is something that is figurative rather than literal. At the grave of my love I’ll stand someday, and name my first son after. But still another will I stand with at the alter. With a name that rings beautiful butterflies in my stomach, reminding me of a lost life that I once lived, and the face I somehow knew from the beginning.

I believe that everything happens for a reason, and to some that is treason. But there is nothing worse than floating through this life without meaning, and there’s nothing better to me than grounding myself with healing. Because as I hold his hand and allow him to guide me towards the future, I will never forget the past. As I am a different person than I was before. It seems that the person I was at twenty-three and am about to be now at twenty-four has developed and transformed from the very core. I don’t feel like the person I was born as, only the person I was destined to be. I was given these challenges, but they can’t trample me.

There’s nothing that can truly bring me down, and I would much rather be spinning barefoot in a summer dress than in a funeral gown. White adorned with crystals and a royal crown.

If there was somewhere I could call home, it would be the fictional world I created for myself. The world I created in the desperation of every broken piece of my soul that shattered as a teen. I never put it back together properly, it seemed. But that’s okay, because in the mosaic I have created I now am everything that I’ve wanted to be.

And that’s good enough for me.

The World Is Mad

One thing about the world that I truly do not understand is cruelty and hatred. It’s something that I don’t currently understand, and I don’t think I’ll ever understand it. It saddens me to see the world in the state that it is right now, but there’s little we can do to change it. Too many people are not willing to change their ways, their greed, their views of political hatred. And I never understood why politics should be so heated in the first place. It’s just opinions as far as I’m concerned, and where I live - in the United States - we have it really good, and yet people are complaining left and right about wanting privileges they already have, such as gay rights. Maybe I just don’t comprehend the situation, but if we already have gay rights…why are people still marching in the streets for it…?

I digress.

It’s so difficult to understand the world, and I don’t remember there being even half of the hatred in the world ten years ago that is currently here today. It makes me wonder if the world is insane, or if we’ve always been this way. No matter what I think, though, I just wish the violence would stop. I wish that people would stop hurting each other, and that’s something that is truly unacceptable.

Humans are the only species that takes absolute joy and delight in hurting and harming each other. That is downright disturbing. It scares me, because you never know if you’re safe or not.

Again, I digress. The world is a little mad right now, and I wonder if it has always been that way. I am only twenty-four years old, and I don’t remember it ever being this mad…but maybe I just wasn’t looking. Either way, I hope it doesn’t get any worse.

Intelligence

There’s nothing that I need to worry about, and yet I am such a worrywart. Well, maybe that term doesn’t exactly fit me, but you get the idea. I suffer from an anxiety disorder and panic disorder, agoraphobia, OCD, depression, and many other things in addition to my physical health issues…no wonder I’m so stressed all the time. But I thought about what I wanted this website to be all about. Well…? I want it to be my starting platform for everything I want to do in my life. I want to be a singer, dancer, songwriter, entertainer, writer, author, video game developer, artist, and so much more. I am the most ambitious person I know.

I like to believe that I’m intelligent, but let’s just say that I come from a family of people that took over thirty years to realize why an Apple computer was called a Macintosh. But I can still try to believe.

I’ve always wished I was a genius, to be honest. But perhaps that ship sailed with the brain injuries I have received from lack of oxygen over the years. But to tell the truth? I secretly believe that I am a genius, just not very well applied. It doesn’t matter though, because I’m learning all that I can. I want to learn as many coding languages as possible. My dad was a software engineer and I am fascinated with software, computers, and coding, just as he was. But I want to make sure that I’m not like him - he was one of those people who always believed he was right and that he was superior because he was so intelligent. I don’t ever want to use my intelligence like that. I want to make sure that I use it for good things, like helping others, making music and great art in the forms of sketching and painting and crafting stories. I don’t want to be someone who is ‘superior’ to others, truly because I believe that no one is really superior to anyone else.

It also seems that humanity can’t leave well enough alone. Why is it that we can have a small computer in our pockets and we take it for granted, yet we can’t even be nice to each other on the streets? Cruelty is something that I surely will never understand, and I’m grateful for that. I don’t understand the desire to hurt anything, let alone another human being. We are all the same inside, so why do we have to believe we’re different on the outside? I’ve never understood it. Even my brother didn’t actually believe that racism existed until a short while ago.

But I digress. As I said, I’m the most ambitious person I know. It’s due to the fact that I spent my childhood pretty much doing nothing (that I was satisfied with anyway) other than playing, and as I grew older, I had wishes and dreams but no way to make them a reality. I got tired of lying around all the time because of my illness and how my heart didn’t work correctly as well as all of my other major organs (though the heart condition is the most critical). I decided when I was a teenager that I would never lie around and do nothing all day ever again. Though of course that doesn’t mean that I have to get up and fly around the world like Superman every single day. All I want to do is make sure that I make a difference in my own life everyday. If I make a difference in my own life, I make a difference in others’ lives. The ripple effect.

Anyway, thank you for reading this long post. I am eternally grateful!

~ Saruta