Hi…long time no see I suppose. Wow, it really has been a while. I’m not all that good with consistency as I’m sure you can see. So, a quick update of my life:

my mom is still sick and I’m still caring for her. While doing so I have become mentally and physically exhausted but have also become very skilled with crochet.

Its always hard to watch someone you love suffer. It’s even harder when you can’t do anything about it. But I figure that it’ll be okay, seeing as she is getting better every day.

So, with that out of the way, I’m still not entirely sure what I want to do with this site - I just know that I feel something deep inside telling me I need it, and to work on it. So there’s that.

I have changed so much since the beginning of this year, 2019. I started out as a very reserved Christian girl with very low confidence. Now I consider myself more or less an atheist and I’m absolutely in love with the changes I’m making to myself. I’m feeling a thousand times better than I did in January.

With that said, however, I still struggle. The autumn and winter months are coming up for me and those are the hardest for me to endure, as I have seasonal depression, meaning my depression gets worse as the sun goes behind the clouds and it gets cooler.

Anyway, I plan to write here more, so I will definitely see you soon.

What's On My Mind...

People profiting off others’ misery is something that angers me very much. It’s something that I’ve been seeing a lot, to be honest. It frustrates me, and then I end up wishing that I was in that person’s position, so that I could do better. I suppose that sounds a little…off putting, but it’s just simply frustrating - even hurtful - to think of the way people treat each other.

I have many big ideas of things I’d like to create in the future. Many things that I’d love to make and send out into the world. Things such as websites, other projects, music, and more. I’d like to hope that if I ever make it to being a person of influence, I would never take advantage of people, step on them, or profit off of others’ misery. I’d like to believe - and I do believe - that it’s something that would make me rather close my business and my ventures than actually hurt someone.

I guess there’s not much I can say about this topic…I just wanted to say what was on my mind.

Putting My Pride Away

There are many things I have never wanted anyone to know, such as my weaknesses and the things that I tend to sweep under the rug. But I’ve come to find that not all of these are necessarily entirely bad. I’ve come to find that sometimes it’s a good thing that we do these things, because then we can open up and talk to others about it. We can propose ideas and a plan. We can be honest, and let others know what we’re going through. And we’ll find that they might be going through the very same thing.

One thing I have realized in life is that no one is unique, while at the same time, everyone is unique. No one is unique in the sense that nobody on this planet is immune to these problems; and everyone is unique in the sense that when it comes to these problems, no two stories are the same. It’s very interesting and quite impactful to listen to others’ stories, and it would serve us all well to look at the facts, to sit down and listen and put our pride out of the way to perhaps realize that we aren’t perfect, that we are imperfect beings by nature, and that we are supposed to be this way. We are supposed to be perfect. Yet we get caught up in the media’s and television’s version of how we should be, act, and what we should like. They portray perfect people in magazines, movies, TV, and even video games. In that sense, it can become incredibly toxic.

I’ve found that when one lives a life of many near-death experiences as I have, sometimes there’s no escaping the way that you turn around only to find out that you are looking your ugly pride right in the eye. At least, that’s how it was for me. In a way, I resent my pride. It has caused me to be a real b-otch in many situations. But I’m finally learning to lay down my pride, to put it away in order to admit that I’m wrong or have made a mistake, and I think that something like that is crucial to our well-being as individuals. It’s crucial to how we learn to behave around and get along with others.

It’s not an exact science, but perhaps if we were all able to put our pride to the side, and think with our brain and heart instead, then perhaps this world could be a better place, and perhaps everyone would feel just a little more included.

The Beginning...

I have come to realize that I have a shell around me; something as hard as diamond to protect me from the outside world. But it’s come to my attention that perhaps this shell isn’t the best for me. What I’m trying to say in better terms is that I have locked myself away for far too long. It’s very difficult for me to even write like myself, because I’m so used to putting on a persona. It’s not that I’m lying or pretending to be someone I’m not; it’s that I’m used to pretending to be who others want me to be. I have been told that I was going to hell when I was sixteen because I dyed my hair red. There is so much prejudice where I live.

I don’t mean to tell a sad story, but I’ve had a really hard time within the community of people I know and how judgmental they are towards me that I’ve basically become a shut-in. I don’t leave my house because I have a fear of it. I’ve become tired of being bullied, or manipulated or told I’m going to hell for the way I look or choose to dress (I live in a very Christian community). So, this post marks the beginning of something new. This marks the beginning of me opening up, and deciding that others can see who I am. Say about me what you will, but I have finally decided to be who I want to be. And it wasn’t easy.

I have really struggled as a people-pleaser in my life, and I’m finally letting that go. It only took me twenty-four years to do it, but at least it didn’t take me fifty.

I want to thank you in advance for coming along with me on this journey of discovery and finding who I really am, as well as achieving my goals and dreams. I’m happy to see you here.

Today I Looked Inside Myself

Today, I looked inside myself. At the darkness left untamed. The darkness I refused to face for too long, and now I’ll pencil it down, in pictures and in words. I’ll put it in black and white, just as is in my mind, and I’ll allow them to take flight. The fight that I put up for my own survival and the death living inside the walls of every hospital room I occupied, how could I not be fascinated by death at night?

To face who I am would be difficult, but what would be useless and a waste would be not looking at all. I am who I am, and I’ve survived as I’ve survived. Now everything goes bump in the night.

Surviving things others never did, managing to find years that others never had, my gratitude takes flight, but it lacks the shine, the light.

There’s something dark about me; there always has been. Life and death in a eternal cycle of turmoil. But at least life and death know where they stand.

And now I’ll allow myself to be who I truly am. Leave if you must. But just remember, there never is a time where I trust. I’ve been betrayed too many times, and I’ve seen too much violence. And in my little sight as a child, I saw far too much tragedy. Something running amuck, I thought I was insane. Perhaps the darkness in me was only to be expected.

But even so, I have found myself internally respected.

In Another World - Short Little Poem

In another world, things would be brighter. They would be smarter, bigger, lighter. In another world, nothing would hurt. Nothing would stagnate and nobody could get hurt. And in this short little poem, in another world, I would be doing something much better than writing this little thing on my blog (like writing a much better post.)

An Alternate Method of Cleansing Tarot Cards

This is a small little tutorial (though I wouldn’t call it such) about how to free your tarot cards of negative energy, whether you have just bought them, or are about to ask a question.

Personally, I like to shuffle my tarot deck thoroughly between each use, even if I’m doing one spread after another. I’m very new to tarot, but I am very in tune with the energies around me, and I’m very much an empath, so I’ve noticed the negative energies that can be attached to these cards even as you’ve first bought them. Cleansing them was not an option for me (in any way), so I decided to make my own way of ‘cleansing them’.

All you need is a tarot deck that you love (new or well loved) and your own two hands. Between each reading and spread, I can feel the energy of that reading on the cards. So, to combat that and cleanse them before I do the next spread, I always shuffle them. I picture the energy rising up and away from the cards as I continue to shuffle over and over. Once I’m content that the energy surrounding the cards is absolutely neutral (or close enough), I consider myself ready to do the next reading.

Now, the reason for this is that when I first got my tarot deck and started, I continued to get negative readings over and over, no matter what I thought, meditated, or asked. But I noticed that as I shuffled over and over (painstakingly) that the readings became more and more accurate. This has nothing to do with my ability to read the cards better intuitively because this happened in less than an hour. So, I’ve learned that you definitely want to shuffle out the negative energy that is attached to the cards, especially right after you buy them, no matter where you get them. They have been handled by so many people and pick up so much mixed energy that it’s almost a no-brainer that they would show extremely mixed signals when first opened but not cleansed.

Lastly, I always put my tarot deck back in the box it came in, underneath the pamphlet/book that it comes with, and close the box when I’m done with that. When I do that, I consider it ‘reserving the neutral energy’, or at least keeping it as neutral as possible until the next reading.

Of course, you will still need to shuffle your tarot deck even if it does have neutral energy, as it’s always best to have it in the best condition possible. However, if that’s not your thing, then just make sure they are cleansed to your greatest liking. After all, tarot is very individual, and very much catered to the individual who owns and reads the cards. So do what feels right for you. Though be forewarned: any extra negative or manic energy that may be coming from you in that moment will immediately adhere to the cards, so be careful of your mindset going into each reading and while shuffling. You may shuffle something other than neutral energy into the deck, and it will give a reading that is off-kilter. Either way, if you are doing tarot than you probably already know this.

So, keep reading your tarot, keep your positive and neutral energy in your mind, meditate, and do what makes you happy. After all, even if you are reading for another person or for a job, you are the one connected to the cards! Make sure you are at home with them.

Welcome To The Freakshow

Only small sounds permeate the already too-thick air during that long summer night. Fond sounds of a sleeping dog, and the static of a television buzzing without a connection. Soon, they are all about to wake.

I sit on a beam, my feet dropping down beneath me as I peer between my toes at the serene place beneath me. If only I could keep it that way. But no, this is what I must do. This is who I am.

My black dress and hair blend in with the night, and soon it’s time. I tilt my head back, giving way to shadow and allowing my physical form to morph into what is now simply a shape. Moving down the walls and across the floors, I seep into the cables of the television, winding up its copper wires and into its mainframe. Moving about, I know the game is about to begin, so I maneuver everything within to spell out what I want onto the screen of the TV.

The clock strikes twelve. The game has begun. And as the small boy old enough to read sits up from his place on the couch and rubs his sleepy eyes, I slide out between the wooden beams of the home, pleased with my work.

Soon, the boy will stand as straight as a rod. The remote will drop from his hand. He will run up to his parents, terrified as only four words in unmistakable blood glares on the screen of the television:

“Welcome To The Freakshow”


It has been difficult for me to decide what to write about on this blog, and what to use this website for, but I knew I wanted a website. And I’m glad I have one, because as I’m discovering myself more and more, I’m finding that blogging about my experiences is very rewarding. Keeping things to yourself is never a healthy thing to do, and that seems to be something I’ve done for as long as I can remember. I won’t go into details, but let’s just say there wasn’t much room to speak out while I was growing up.

It’s interesting how we adopt anything our parents tell us while we grow up; how we are programmed at a certain age to do certain things and have certain beliefs. I never understood that, and I can’t think of any way that children wouldn’t be programmed by their parents. But as I personally believe that religion is a cult, (all of them), it seems that I wish there was another way to do things. But children are at the mercy of those they are born to, and that’s not always a bad thing.

I was born to a wonderful mother. A mother who let me help her bake cookies when I was little and gave me a handful of chocolate chips to eat while she mixed the dough. A mother who gave me a spoon of raw dough so we could eat some together while the rest was in the oven. I have a wonderful family, although I’m estranged from most of it.

What I’m getting at is the things I’m realizing along the way of deciding to take my own path. I became an atheist because I decided that I wanted to be in charge of my own path. I didn’t want anyone to decide anything for me. I didn’t want anyone in charge of me, and that’s basically the epitome of Christianity. Here, I can be open. Here, I can be truthful.

In my journey, I have found that honesty is what resonates the most with others, and I’ve always wanted to help others. Honesty is the best way to connect with others, as well as keeping an open mind. I’ve tried my best to keep an open mind to those I’m around, and I hope that I’ve helped a few lives along the way.

I love to read things called ‘angel numbers’, where repeating numbers that you see in your life are considered signs that higher beings or archangels or guardians are speaking with you through these numbers. I have gotten many incredible numbers. But all of them point to my purpose in life being humanitarian-based. In a way, this leaves a bad taste in my mouth because of the way I was taught to ‘serve’ growing up. I hated service because it was never a choice. It was either serving someone, or being reprimanded and told that you are unrighteous and that you need to fix something, and that god is not happy with you. There was no choice to me.

But now I see service differently. I want to help others in the way that only I can, as an individual. Now that is something I’m very good at. I enjoy it and I’m grateful for the gift of connecting with people that I was born with. I’m grateful for my gift of communication and how clear I’m able to speak. But at the same time, I have terrible social anxiety.

Again, in my journey just within the last few weeks, I have found that honesty is the best. So, here I am being honest. I don’t know what direction to head next. I don’t know entirely what I believe other than gods or goddesses don’t exist. And lastly: I know that right now, I am more free than I have ever been before.


I am who I am. As I’ve left the religion I’ve known my entire life, I find myself being confident enough to delve into the things that I’ve always been interested in - but warned against by the people in my previous religion. I personally don’t believe in the devil, just as I don’t believe in a god. So, things like modern witchcraft don’t bother me. And that’s exactly what I’m into.

It’s amazing how well we can repress our interests when we’re frightened and worried about how others will perceive us, or we’re worried about how god will punish us. But personally, I view all religions as cults. Please take that with a grain of salt. But it’s the truth of how I feel.

But now, without the worry of being damned to hell for eternity, I’ve discovered many interests, the strongest of which is modern-day witchcraft. I’ve discovered that I really want to try it, and I fully intend to delve into it as deeply as I can. I’ve been researching, and of course I have a lot more research to do before I start something, but I enjoy watching videos on YouTube. I’m learning a lot, and all of these things that others I used to have around me said to discourage me…100% of them weren’t true. There’s not even a measly 1% of what they said that was true.

It’s ignorance and the lack of desire to know that truth that is prevalent within Christian communities that makes it easy to hate them. I hated Christians while on the inside of a Christian community! But within their ignorance, it’s not just the desire to not know. I noticed very strongly that ignorance was desired, that it was taught. It was enforced. At least, in my religion it was.

I’m looking forward to starting witchcraft, and looking into it. I’m looking forward to learning more about it. One thing I’m very fascinated by are artifacts and talismans and more advanced magick, but of course, that would take me a while to be able to achieve.

I’m excited for my new ventures, and I feel more free now than I ever have in my entire life.