Unity

To me, there’s nothing in this world quite like creating something. Whether it is music, writing, or both, I find that I’m the happiest when I create.

I want to make my music very unique, and I have many different influences musically. But one thing that I think is more important than a musical influence, however, is the passion with which you are working with something. Passion is everything. It can make or break a career in the performing arts, and it can definitely make or break the success that you’d wish to have by driving people away.

I notice that if I’m listening to music and it’s overly produced and more than five people wrote the song, I become irritated with the sound, and I become irritated with the idea of the song. It’s not that I’m judging how many people had to finish the track, it’s that I can’t imagine sharing creative control of my work with anyone. It’s insane how some people are willing to just hand over creative control. Another thing that I don’t understand is those that go into the music industry or Hollywood looking to make a name, or become famous. I have never made music because I’ve wanted to be famous. I’ve never really wanted to be famous in the first place. All I’ve wanted is to create something that means something to me, and hope that it connects with others.

I have had many people tell me that I’m an excellent writer. I don’t know whether or not this is true because I choose not to analyze my works and creations. I would much rather leave them raw, and not touch them once they feel finished.

Maybe I’m simply a control freak, and I love to have everything within my control. Or maybe I could actually make the turn out that I’ve always dreamed of, with others connecting to my music and writing, and finding people who love the same things as I do.

To me, that’s unity.

Desperation vs Fun

I think we all like to believe that we know exactly what we’re doing; that we’re the expert in our field. But more often than not, we are just trying to keep our head above water, flailing and trying to make it work. That’s how I feel about this blog, and this website in general. Honestly, I don’t know what to write. I don’t know what to write about. All I know is what I want this website to be in the future, but that won’t help me get there. At least I have a goal in sight though.

I need concrete goals, just like we all do for everything in our lives. I need something concrete to cling to, and I need to know what I’m doing. I’m sorry to say that I haven’t really been sure what I’ve been doing since I began this blog. But I’m starting to gain some sight.

I’ve always wanted to be an entertainer, and I haven’t always been shy talking about it. But today when I was streaming my favorite video game on Twitch, I was shocked to see that I actually had four viewers. At first, I thought it was some sick joke my system was playing on me. Then I wondered if someone had wanted to make me believe that I’d made an impact, and somehow faked it. But neither of those are realistic. The most realistic answer to it is that I really did have four viewers. It is interesting because I always thought I knew what I’d do when I somehow reached the place I dreamed of, but today I didn’t know what to do. For several hours afterwards, I was speechless. I’m not usually speechless. If you ask anyone in my life, they will tell you that I blabber 24/7 and that I never shut up. But, as I said, today I was speechless. I was shocked that anybody would ever want to watch me stream on Twitch, and it occurred to me just how badly I’ve been wanting something without really believing that I was worthy, or that it would actually happen. When I look back and thought it was a sick joke…that’s just sad.

But it really shows how a change in attitude can change your life. As I have desperately wanted something like what I reached today, the desperation has definitely turned people away. But since I saw that number, thought it wasn’t real, and kept streaming, the number stayed. I’ve never had such a high number stay for as long as it did. And then I felt like I was Taylor Swift or something, telling everyone in my house how grateful I was that it happened and was honored that people were actually interested in me. (I mean no offense to Taylor in any way, I love her to death).

I’ve found that when you are desperate, no one will come to you. When you are having fun, that is when someone will notice, sit down for a minute, and possibly end up staying.

Ambitions

I usually don’t like to speak about myself, and that may never change. I intend to be an entertainer someday, and I think that art - writing and music - is a better way to speak about myself than rambling on and on for hours about whatever memories I might have. And I do tend to go on for hours.

Sometime in the future, when I’ve reached that goal of becoming an entertainer, I don’t want to give interviews. That might seem like a foolish decision, but it’s one that I’ve made with much thought. I really don’t like being put on the spot, unless it’s to show something I’ve created. I don’t have any interest in telling how I have created it, unless I do it in some other form of art, such as an autobiography (which I intend to write someday).

Maybe this blog will be about my goals to reach my dreams and ambitions. I think that’ll be it. See, I’m still trying to figure it out. I only registered this domain yesterday!

Let’s see…I have tried becoming a published author for the last twelve years. I have tried becoming a singer/entertainer for the last eleven. It’s been a long time I’ve been fighting for this, and I’m not even twenty-five years old yet. But that’s one thing about me: it doesn’t matter how old I am; I am the most ambitious person I know.

It’s nice to be ambitious, because I always have goals and new heights that I’m reaching to. So, where have I gotten with those goals and dreams? Not far. But that doesn’t mean that 2019 won’t be the year that will change things.