Phoenix Feather

All my life, I have struggled with trying to understand who I am. Whoever I am…or whoever I was…has seemed to change tonight. I’m not going to go into details, but things happened. Unexpected things, and I lost a dear friend (not through death, just differences). It was in that moment that I realized I was putting more into trying to be the person that I thought the rest of the world would accept instead of trying to be who I truly was. Even when I tried to be who I truly was or who I thought I was, I didn’t really know what I was doing or where I was headed. It seemed like there was no pathway, and I was already in a dead-end alleyway. But something changed tonight, and I feel like I have truly found myself.

As I’ve said in another post here on this site, I believe that no one can truly be defined by just one word, term, or category. Now I know that for sure. I know now who I am, and I am far from a number, a color, or a word. I am far more than the ‘girl who survived’, although that’s a good legacy to have.

However, I want to create a different legacy, one that I have crafted myself. And so my journey starts.

My journey to the freedom of self-expression, knowing who I am, and knowing that no matter what happens in my life and even if my own body can and does feel like a prison because of being sick, there is nothing that can truly encase my soul or my spirit. Even if that may sound hokey. There’s nothing that can truly imprison me, and I have tried far too hard to be what I thought others wanted me to be. Now I realize that it doesn’t matter what or who I am - they will hate me anyway. So, why not just have fun with it?

Normally, I would end this post with something like ‘so, who am I?’ and then give a small list of what makes me who I am. I now realize that lists are hollow, and so are words if they are not believed. In addition, I have more to say than just a small bullet list of maybe five or six traits that supposedly make me up as a human being.

I know that I chose this life - somewhere in a dimension beyond this one - and I know that I am who I am because I have survived. And now I’m willing and ready to fight for everything that I’ve believed in, had faith in, and everything I’ve wanted to do for the past twelve years. I am ready to fight for the music career that I’ve wanted and wished I could pursue. I am ready to write a story that I can publish into a book, and I’m ready to do it all under the name Saruta Valentine.

Because Saruta is special to me. You may be wondering why I speak of myself in the third person, but the reality is, Saruta is not my real name. I am not going to share my real now - not now, maybe not ever. I am Saruta, and I will be her. I will be her, the character that I created in my years of desperation for the fear, anxiety, depression, and hatred to stop. The years that I fought a minutely battle against my mental illnesses, physical illnesses, and everything in between. The years where I wasn’t healthy, and a fictional character that I created named Saruta Valentine was all I had. Then, one day, I decided that I would become her.

I created Saruta with the fact in mind that she was completely and still is completely based off of myself. Everything that I believe, everything that I’ve wanted, and most importantly, all of the pain I’ve felt in my life. The older I got, the more I realized that this story I was creating around this fictional character looked closer and closer to the story I had lived in my real life, and so comes the story that I intend to publish.

However, it seems that as I discover who I truly am, I find myself to be a phoenix; a mythical creature that I have been so fascinated with ever since I first learned what it was. I love the legend of the Phoenix, about how she dies over and over again, just to be reborn as a goddess more beautiful than the last. I believe myself to be that very legend, and I would like to brand myself as so.

Even as I have felt like nothing but a barcode that needed to be fixed, I have died over and over only to be reborn again. Now I understand why. Because in the ashes, decay, and debris of who I once was lies the glowing feather - the ember - of everything that I have ever been meant to be. And now I take that feather into the palm of my hand, hold it to my heart, and allow it to light up my soul. With its warmth, I will find everything I have ever searched for.

With its warmth, I will be me.

Hepatology

Today I have an appointment with the liver specialist, hepatology. Similar to how a ‘cardiologist’ is a heart specialist. I’ve been to cardiology all my life, but now I have to see the hepatologists because my liver isn’t working well. I just hope they don’t throw something like nephrology in there (kidney specialists). It just seems like none of my major organs work sometimes, and considering that I only slept five hours last night I’m not very happy about having to leave the house today. Not fun.

But there’s nothing wrong with hepatology. In fact, they are much nicer than cardiology, which is where I’ve always gone. The liver people even offered me hot cocoa! Cardiology doesn’t seem to care who they inconvenience, and I’m used to waiting a minimum of three hours just to get seen. Needless to say, I always bring something to do.

My heart is the organ that works the least while liver is second, lungs are third, and kidneys are last. Thankfully the kidneys are the easiest to treat, but it’s frustrating that the others don’t work, and I must say that at twenty-four, I’m surprised I haven’t lost all of my hair or something over all the stress my heart condition has caused me over the years. I’m surprised the doctors haven’t quit as well. But considering that most of the doctors I see have been there for decades, there’s little they haven’t seen.

It’s frustrating because I scare a lot of people just by them knowing that I’m sick. Then, when they figure out it’s a very rare sickness, pretty much untreatable, and that I’ve had it since I was born, they tend to give me a very wide berth and avoid eye contact. It can be irritating when others don’t treat me like a human being when I already struggle with being in the hospital all the time anyway.

Not that I’m complaining. I’m alive, and that’s what matters.

Anyway, I hope all of you have a wonderful Wednesday morning, April 24th!

Can't Sleep

Is there ever a way to find sleep in a mind that is nearly driven mad with concepts and ideas that can’t be written down but simply executed? I don’t think so. I’ve never been able to find a solution, at least. I’ve had many a sleepless night over my ideas and concepts and the things I want to do. My callings.

If there was such a thing as a switch that simply turned sleep on, however, I don’t think I’d use it. I think I would stay awake. I love the night, and often feel like the night belongs to me. I have never really had anything that completely belonged to me - not even my own life, really - and the night has felt like a dear friend as the rest of the world is asleep. It’s so quiet, and I remember looking out of the hospital window on the third floor of the hospital I stayed at as a child, and looking out at the city lights below. They were like twinkling stars and I wondered if I could ever become a part of that world. Hopefully, someday I will.

Is it enough to believe in something and to understand it, or is it not enough to simply have faith when there are so many that will stomp on it? I think that it’s enough to believe and have faith, and anyone who stomps on it is someone who has been led down a bad road. One where their own beliefs and faith have been stomped on and destroyed. Though I never have understood the desire to destroy others in the midst of your own destruction…perhaps that’s something I’ll never understand.

At least I keep the details of my ideas to myself…I think I would go insane if I didn’t.

The World Is Mad

One thing about the world that I truly do not understand is cruelty and hatred. It’s something that I don’t currently understand, and I don’t think I’ll ever understand it. It saddens me to see the world in the state that it is right now, but there’s little we can do to change it. Too many people are not willing to change their ways, their greed, their views of political hatred. And I never understood why politics should be so heated in the first place. It’s just opinions as far as I’m concerned, and where I live - in the United States - we have it really good, and yet people are complaining left and right about wanting privileges they already have, such as gay rights. Maybe I just don’t comprehend the situation, but if we already have gay rights…why are people still marching in the streets for it…?

I digress.

It’s so difficult to understand the world, and I don’t remember there being even half of the hatred in the world ten years ago that is currently here today. It makes me wonder if the world is insane, or if we’ve always been this way. No matter what I think, though, I just wish the violence would stop. I wish that people would stop hurting each other, and that’s something that is truly unacceptable.

Humans are the only species that takes absolute joy and delight in hurting and harming each other. That is downright disturbing. It scares me, because you never know if you’re safe or not.

Again, I digress. The world is a little mad right now, and I wonder if it has always been that way. I am only twenty-four years old, and I don’t remember it ever being this mad…but maybe I just wasn’t looking. Either way, I hope it doesn’t get any worse.

Intelligence

There’s nothing that I need to worry about, and yet I am such a worrywart. Well, maybe that term doesn’t exactly fit me, but you get the idea. I suffer from an anxiety disorder and panic disorder, agoraphobia, OCD, depression, and many other things in addition to my physical health issues…no wonder I’m so stressed all the time. But I thought about what I wanted this website to be all about. Well…? I want it to be my starting platform for everything I want to do in my life. I want to be a singer, dancer, songwriter, entertainer, writer, author, video game developer, artist, and so much more. I am the most ambitious person I know.

I like to believe that I’m intelligent, but let’s just say that I come from a family of people that took over thirty years to realize why an Apple computer was called a Macintosh. But I can still try to believe.

I’ve always wished I was a genius, to be honest. But perhaps that ship sailed with the brain injuries I have received from lack of oxygen over the years. But to tell the truth? I secretly believe that I am a genius, just not very well applied. It doesn’t matter though, because I’m learning all that I can. I want to learn as many coding languages as possible. My dad was a software engineer and I am fascinated with software, computers, and coding, just as he was. But I want to make sure that I’m not like him - he was one of those people who always believed he was right and that he was superior because he was so intelligent. I don’t ever want to use my intelligence like that. I want to make sure that I use it for good things, like helping others, making music and great art in the forms of sketching and painting and crafting stories. I don’t want to be someone who is ‘superior’ to others, truly because I believe that no one is really superior to anyone else.

It also seems that humanity can’t leave well enough alone. Why is it that we can have a small computer in our pockets and we take it for granted, yet we can’t even be nice to each other on the streets? Cruelty is something that I surely will never understand, and I’m grateful for that. I don’t understand the desire to hurt anything, let alone another human being. We are all the same inside, so why do we have to believe we’re different on the outside? I’ve never understood it. Even my brother didn’t actually believe that racism existed until a short while ago.

But I digress. As I said, I’m the most ambitious person I know. It’s due to the fact that I spent my childhood pretty much doing nothing (that I was satisfied with anyway) other than playing, and as I grew older, I had wishes and dreams but no way to make them a reality. I got tired of lying around all the time because of my illness and how my heart didn’t work correctly as well as all of my other major organs (though the heart condition is the most critical). I decided when I was a teenager that I would never lie around and do nothing all day ever again. Though of course that doesn’t mean that I have to get up and fly around the world like Superman every single day. All I want to do is make sure that I make a difference in my own life everyday. If I make a difference in my own life, I make a difference in others’ lives. The ripple effect.

Anyway, thank you for reading this long post. I am eternally grateful!

~ Saruta

Happy Easter!!

Today is Easter Sunday. Now, I’m not a big fan of holidays, probably because I don’t have any family to get together with or anything to do on holidays, but I do believe in the real origins of Easter. However, it’s still hard, as bad memories are associated.

Holidays are just another day to me, just like my birthday is, though I still believe in and celebrate the Lord and His sacrifice. I’m grateful for Him, and He has helped me through everything.

Anyway, short post. Happy Easter!!

Dreamer

I am a dreamer. I always have been and I always will be. It’s something that is ingrained in me, something that I could never let go of.

Back on my other website, here , you can read my fictional things, but here I am going to write my reality.

I was born with a heart that does not work correctly, and it is Easter morning. 12:27am Easter morning to be exact. I don’t sleep very well. If I do sleep well, it’s very rare. It’s nice though, because I feel like the night belongs to me, almost. It’s an interesting way to view things.

Things have been difficult because my mother has been extremely sick, and I have as well. But we will get through this together; me, my mom, and this blog (as well as my other fictional writing blog).

Please stay with me through this journey. It will mean the world to me.

~ Saruta Valentine