Helping

It has been difficult for me to decide what to write about on this blog, and what to use this website for, but I knew I wanted a website. And I’m glad I have one, because as I’m discovering myself more and more, I’m finding that blogging about my experiences is very rewarding. Keeping things to yourself is never a healthy thing to do, and that seems to be something I’ve done for as long as I can remember. I won’t go into details, but let’s just say there wasn’t much room to speak out while I was growing up.

It’s interesting how we adopt anything our parents tell us while we grow up; how we are programmed at a certain age to do certain things and have certain beliefs. I never understood that, and I can’t think of any way that children wouldn’t be programmed by their parents. But as I personally believe that religion is a cult, (all of them), it seems that I wish there was another way to do things. But children are at the mercy of those they are born to, and that’s not always a bad thing.

I was born to a wonderful mother. A mother who let me help her bake cookies when I was little and gave me a handful of chocolate chips to eat while she mixed the dough. A mother who gave me a spoon of raw dough so we could eat some together while the rest was in the oven. I have a wonderful family, although I’m estranged from most of it.

What I’m getting at is the things I’m realizing along the way of deciding to take my own path. I became an atheist because I decided that I wanted to be in charge of my own path. I didn’t want anyone to decide anything for me. I didn’t want anyone in charge of me, and that’s basically the epitome of Christianity. Here, I can be open. Here, I can be truthful.

In my journey, I have found that honesty is what resonates the most with others, and I’ve always wanted to help others. Honesty is the best way to connect with others, as well as keeping an open mind. I’ve tried my best to keep an open mind to those I’m around, and I hope that I’ve helped a few lives along the way.

I love to read things called ‘angel numbers’, where repeating numbers that you see in your life are considered signs that higher beings or archangels or guardians are speaking with you through these numbers. I have gotten many incredible numbers. But all of them point to my purpose in life being humanitarian-based. In a way, this leaves a bad taste in my mouth because of the way I was taught to ‘serve’ growing up. I hated service because it was never a choice. It was either serving someone, or being reprimanded and told that you are unrighteous and that you need to fix something, and that god is not happy with you. There was no choice to me.

But now I see service differently. I want to help others in the way that only I can, as an individual. Now that is something I’m very good at. I enjoy it and I’m grateful for the gift of connecting with people that I was born with. I’m grateful for my gift of communication and how clear I’m able to speak. But at the same time, I have terrible social anxiety.

Again, in my journey just within the last few weeks, I have found that honesty is the best. So, here I am being honest. I don’t know what direction to head next. I don’t know entirely what I believe other than gods or goddesses don’t exist. And lastly: I know that right now, I am more free than I have ever been before.

Witchcraft

I am who I am. As I’ve left the religion I’ve known my entire life, I find myself being confident enough to delve into the things that I’ve always been interested in - but warned against by the people in my previous religion. I personally don’t believe in the devil, just as I don’t believe in a god. So, things like modern witchcraft don’t bother me. And that’s exactly what I’m into.

It’s amazing how well we can repress our interests when we’re frightened and worried about how others will perceive us, or we’re worried about how god will punish us. But personally, I view all religions as cults. Please take that with a grain of salt. But it’s the truth of how I feel.

But now, without the worry of being damned to hell for eternity, I’ve discovered many interests, the strongest of which is modern-day witchcraft. I’ve discovered that I really want to try it, and I fully intend to delve into it as deeply as I can. I’ve been researching, and of course I have a lot more research to do before I start something, but I enjoy watching videos on YouTube. I’m learning a lot, and all of these things that others I used to have around me said to discourage me…100% of them weren’t true. There’s not even a measly 1% of what they said that was true.

It’s ignorance and the lack of desire to know that truth that is prevalent within Christian communities that makes it easy to hate them. I hated Christians while on the inside of a Christian community! But within their ignorance, it’s not just the desire to not know. I noticed very strongly that ignorance was desired, that it was taught. It was enforced. At least, in my religion it was.

I’m looking forward to starting witchcraft, and looking into it. I’m looking forward to learning more about it. One thing I’m very fascinated by are artifacts and talismans and more advanced magick, but of course, that would take me a while to be able to achieve.

I’m excited for my new ventures, and I feel more free now than I ever have in my entire life.

My Reality

Recently, a lot of things have changed with me and my life. I realize I haven’t been on here in a long time, but now I’m back. And I want to share my experience.

I have always been a Christian, since I was born. However, a few weeks ago, my beliefs began to fall apart. I don’t know exactly what triggered it, but I have an idea and theory but I’ll get to that in a bit. The point is, my belief in god crumbled to the ground without warning and without me knowing what had even happened. I had always been such a firm believer, and I didn’t understand what had happened to me. It scary and strange, and I just felt this feeling of loneliness and loss in my soul that I couldn’t shake.

I began researching.

I have always been into spiritual stuff in the past, and things such as tarot and crystals had interested me. In an effort to find some answers, I just began to research. I began to read about everything that interested me, and I came upon phenomenal finds.

Have you ever heard of a Starseed? Have you heard of an Indigo Child? No? Me either. But it turns out, I might be one or both. You can search the term for yourself in your favorite browser, but I started to realize that there has always been a greater purpose in my life, and that there was a reason I was here on earth. There was a reason I was alive, and I always thought it was because of god. Now I think slightly differently. I’m still going through a spiritual transition, but as I learn more, I’m understanding more about myself. I’m finding pieces of myself in every article I read, in every book I read, in every post or pin I see on my favorite social media site, Pinterest.

You see, Starseeds are those that come from another galaxy - a theory, really - of souls that come from other galaxies and are ‘planted’ here on earth to bring earth to be a better place. When I began to read more about them, I found the traits of them were not only uncannily similar to how I’ve felt all my life, but they were identical save for a few wordings and phrases. With Starseeds, we have a certain ‘due date’ where we awaken and remember our purpose.

I know, this may seem like pseudo-science, but hear me out. I didn't think it meant much at first. But when I started to consider the ways I had felt, the strange images in my mind that felt like memories but couldn’t possibly have been mine, I began to reconsider. I’d always wondered whether reincarnation was actually real, but now I believe that it is. I remember my immediate past life, and a little bit of the life before that. I had had vivid dreams, memories, and stories that seemed to appear out of nowhere. I attributed them to be me just making things up for stories because I’m a writer. Well, now I realize that they are very likely memories from these other lives.

So, as my belief in god had crumbled so suddenly and so unexpectedly, and I researched, I came to a conclusion: it must be my ‘due date’. I must have suddenly awaked without realizing it, remembering who I was, and that everything I had previously believed it turned out to be fabricated. Now, I have the uncanny ability to see when people are lying to themselves or to me. When I speak up, I have been one hundred percent correct. That’s part of being a Starseed; helping other people.

It’s very far-fetched and ‘out-there’, but for those of you that have had similar experiences, this might shed some light. I recommend you research these terms, even if your beliefs have not changed at all. I felt something pulling me to write this, so here I am. I believe that nothing happens without a reason, and there’s no such thing as coincidence, and as far as that belief goes - it hasn’t failed me yet.

Phoenix Feather

All my life, I have struggled with trying to understand who I am. Whoever I am…or whoever I was…has seemed to change tonight. I’m not going to go into details, but things happened. Unexpected things, and I lost a dear friend (not through death, just differences). It was in that moment that I realized I was putting more into trying to be the person that I thought the rest of the world would accept instead of trying to be who I truly was. Even when I tried to be who I truly was or who I thought I was, I didn’t really know what I was doing or where I was headed. It seemed like there was no pathway, and I was already in a dead-end alleyway. But something changed tonight, and I feel like I have truly found myself.

As I’ve said in another post here on this site, I believe that no one can truly be defined by just one word, term, or category. Now I know that for sure. I know now who I am, and I am far from a number, a color, or a word. I am far more than the ‘girl who survived’, although that’s a good legacy to have.

However, I want to create a different legacy, one that I have crafted myself. And so my journey starts.

My journey to the freedom of self-expression, knowing who I am, and knowing that no matter what happens in my life and even if my own body can and does feel like a prison because of being sick, there is nothing that can truly encase my soul or my spirit. Even if that may sound hokey. There’s nothing that can truly imprison me, and I have tried far too hard to be what I thought others wanted me to be. Now I realize that it doesn’t matter what or who I am - they will hate me anyway. So, why not just have fun with it?

Normally, I would end this post with something like ‘so, who am I?’ and then give a small list of what makes me who I am. I now realize that lists are hollow, and so are words if they are not believed. In addition, I have more to say than just a small bullet list of maybe five or six traits that supposedly make me up as a human being.

I know that I chose this life - somewhere in a dimension beyond this one - and I know that I am who I am because I have survived. And now I’m willing and ready to fight for everything that I’ve believed in, had faith in, and everything I’ve wanted to do for the past twelve years. I am ready to fight for the music career that I’ve wanted and wished I could pursue. I am ready to write a story that I can publish into a book, and I’m ready to do it all under the name Saruta Valentine.

Because Saruta is special to me. You may be wondering why I speak of myself in the third person, but the reality is, Saruta is not my real name. I am not going to share my real now - not now, maybe not ever. I am Saruta, and I will be her. I will be her, the character that I created in my years of desperation for the fear, anxiety, depression, and hatred to stop. The years that I fought a minutely battle against my mental illnesses, physical illnesses, and everything in between. The years where I wasn’t healthy, and a fictional character that I created named Saruta Valentine was all I had. Then, one day, I decided that I would become her.

I created Saruta with the fact in mind that she was completely and still is completely based off of myself. Everything that I believe, everything that I’ve wanted, and most importantly, all of the pain I’ve felt in my life. The older I got, the more I realized that this story I was creating around this fictional character looked closer and closer to the story I had lived in my real life, and so comes the story that I intend to publish.

However, it seems that as I discover who I truly am, I find myself to be a phoenix; a mythical creature that I have been so fascinated with ever since I first learned what it was. I love the legend of the Phoenix, about how she dies over and over again, just to be reborn as a goddess more beautiful than the last. I believe myself to be that very legend, and I would like to brand myself as so.

Even as I have felt like nothing but a barcode that needed to be fixed, I have died over and over only to be reborn again. Now I understand why. Because in the ashes, decay, and debris of who I once was lies the glowing feather - the ember - of everything that I have ever been meant to be. And now I take that feather into the palm of my hand, hold it to my heart, and allow it to light up my soul. With its warmth, I will find everything I have ever searched for.

With its warmth, I will be me.

Hepatology

Today I have an appointment with the liver specialist, hepatology. Similar to how a ‘cardiologist’ is a heart specialist. I’ve been to cardiology all my life, but now I have to see the hepatologists because my liver isn’t working well. I just hope they don’t throw something like nephrology in there (kidney specialists). It just seems like none of my major organs work sometimes, and considering that I only slept five hours last night I’m not very happy about having to leave the house today. Not fun.

But there’s nothing wrong with hepatology. In fact, they are much nicer than cardiology, which is where I’ve always gone. The liver people even offered me hot cocoa! Cardiology doesn’t seem to care who they inconvenience, and I’m used to waiting a minimum of three hours just to get seen. Needless to say, I always bring something to do.

My heart is the organ that works the least while liver is second, lungs are third, and kidneys are last. Thankfully the kidneys are the easiest to treat, but it’s frustrating that the others don’t work, and I must say that at twenty-four, I’m surprised I haven’t lost all of my hair or something over all the stress my heart condition has caused me over the years. I’m surprised the doctors haven’t quit as well. But considering that most of the doctors I see have been there for decades, there’s little they haven’t seen.

It’s frustrating because I scare a lot of people just by them knowing that I’m sick. Then, when they figure out it’s a very rare sickness, pretty much untreatable, and that I’ve had it since I was born, they tend to give me a very wide berth and avoid eye contact. It can be irritating when others don’t treat me like a human being when I already struggle with being in the hospital all the time anyway.

Not that I’m complaining. I’m alive, and that’s what matters.

Anyway, I hope all of you have a wonderful Wednesday morning, April 24th!

Can't Sleep

Is there ever a way to find sleep in a mind that is nearly driven mad with concepts and ideas that can’t be written down but simply executed? I don’t think so. I’ve never been able to find a solution, at least. I’ve had many a sleepless night over my ideas and concepts and the things I want to do. My callings.

If there was such a thing as a switch that simply turned sleep on, however, I don’t think I’d use it. I think I would stay awake. I love the night, and often feel like the night belongs to me. I have never really had anything that completely belonged to me - not even my own life, really - and the night has felt like a dear friend as the rest of the world is asleep. It’s so quiet, and I remember looking out of the hospital window on the third floor of the hospital I stayed at as a child, and looking out at the city lights below. They were like twinkling stars and I wondered if I could ever become a part of that world. Hopefully, someday I will.

Is it enough to believe in something and to understand it, or is it not enough to simply have faith when there are so many that will stomp on it? I think that it’s enough to believe and have faith, and anyone who stomps on it is someone who has been led down a bad road. One where their own beliefs and faith have been stomped on and destroyed. Though I never have understood the desire to destroy others in the midst of your own destruction…perhaps that’s something I’ll never understand.

At least I keep the details of my ideas to myself…I think I would go insane if I didn’t.

The World Is Mad

One thing about the world that I truly do not understand is cruelty and hatred. It’s something that I don’t currently understand, and I don’t think I’ll ever understand it. It saddens me to see the world in the state that it is right now, but there’s little we can do to change it. Too many people are not willing to change their ways, their greed, their views of political hatred. And I never understood why politics should be so heated in the first place. It’s just opinions as far as I’m concerned, and where I live - in the United States - we have it really good, and yet people are complaining left and right about wanting privileges they already have, such as gay rights. Maybe I just don’t comprehend the situation, but if we already have gay rights…why are people still marching in the streets for it…?

I digress.

It’s so difficult to understand the world, and I don’t remember there being even half of the hatred in the world ten years ago that is currently here today. It makes me wonder if the world is insane, or if we’ve always been this way. No matter what I think, though, I just wish the violence would stop. I wish that people would stop hurting each other, and that’s something that is truly unacceptable.

Humans are the only species that takes absolute joy and delight in hurting and harming each other. That is downright disturbing. It scares me, because you never know if you’re safe or not.

Again, I digress. The world is a little mad right now, and I wonder if it has always been that way. I am only twenty-four years old, and I don’t remember it ever being this mad…but maybe I just wasn’t looking. Either way, I hope it doesn’t get any worse.

Intelligence

There’s nothing that I need to worry about, and yet I am such a worrywart. Well, maybe that term doesn’t exactly fit me, but you get the idea. I suffer from an anxiety disorder and panic disorder, agoraphobia, OCD, depression, and many other things in addition to my physical health issues…no wonder I’m so stressed all the time. But I thought about what I wanted this website to be all about. Well…? I want it to be my starting platform for everything I want to do in my life. I want to be a singer, dancer, songwriter, entertainer, writer, author, video game developer, artist, and so much more. I am the most ambitious person I know.

I like to believe that I’m intelligent, but let’s just say that I come from a family of people that took over thirty years to realize why an Apple computer was called a Macintosh. But I can still try to believe.

I’ve always wished I was a genius, to be honest. But perhaps that ship sailed with the brain injuries I have received from lack of oxygen over the years. But to tell the truth? I secretly believe that I am a genius, just not very well applied. It doesn’t matter though, because I’m learning all that I can. I want to learn as many coding languages as possible. My dad was a software engineer and I am fascinated with software, computers, and coding, just as he was. But I want to make sure that I’m not like him - he was one of those people who always believed he was right and that he was superior because he was so intelligent. I don’t ever want to use my intelligence like that. I want to make sure that I use it for good things, like helping others, making music and great art in the forms of sketching and painting and crafting stories. I don’t want to be someone who is ‘superior’ to others, truly because I believe that no one is really superior to anyone else.

It also seems that humanity can’t leave well enough alone. Why is it that we can have a small computer in our pockets and we take it for granted, yet we can’t even be nice to each other on the streets? Cruelty is something that I surely will never understand, and I’m grateful for that. I don’t understand the desire to hurt anything, let alone another human being. We are all the same inside, so why do we have to believe we’re different on the outside? I’ve never understood it. Even my brother didn’t actually believe that racism existed until a short while ago.

But I digress. As I said, I’m the most ambitious person I know. It’s due to the fact that I spent my childhood pretty much doing nothing (that I was satisfied with anyway) other than playing, and as I grew older, I had wishes and dreams but no way to make them a reality. I got tired of lying around all the time because of my illness and how my heart didn’t work correctly as well as all of my other major organs (though the heart condition is the most critical). I decided when I was a teenager that I would never lie around and do nothing all day ever again. Though of course that doesn’t mean that I have to get up and fly around the world like Superman every single day. All I want to do is make sure that I make a difference in my own life everyday. If I make a difference in my own life, I make a difference in others’ lives. The ripple effect.

Anyway, thank you for reading this long post. I am eternally grateful!

~ Saruta

Happy Easter!!

Today is Easter Sunday. Now, I’m not a big fan of holidays, probably because I don’t have any family to get together with or anything to do on holidays, but I do believe in the real origins of Easter. However, it’s still hard, as bad memories are associated.

Holidays are just another day to me, just like my birthday is, though I still believe in and celebrate the Lord and His sacrifice. I’m grateful for Him, and He has helped me through everything.

Anyway, short post. Happy Easter!!