being desperate

Desperation vs Fun

I think we all like to believe that we know exactly what we’re doing; that we’re the expert in our field. But more often than not, we are just trying to keep our head above water, flailing and trying to make it work. That’s how I feel about this blog, and this website in general. Honestly, I don’t know what to write. I don’t know what to write about. All I know is what I want this website to be in the future, but that won’t help me get there. At least I have a goal in sight though.

I need concrete goals, just like we all do for everything in our lives. I need something concrete to cling to, and I need to know what I’m doing. I’m sorry to say that I haven’t really been sure what I’ve been doing since I began this blog. But I’m starting to gain some sight.

I’ve always wanted to be an entertainer, and I haven’t always been shy talking about it. But today when I was streaming my favorite video game on Twitch, I was shocked to see that I actually had four viewers. At first, I thought it was some sick joke my system was playing on me. Then I wondered if someone had wanted to make me believe that I’d made an impact, and somehow faked it. But neither of those are realistic. The most realistic answer to it is that I really did have four viewers. It is interesting because I always thought I knew what I’d do when I somehow reached the place I dreamed of, but today I didn’t know what to do. For several hours afterwards, I was speechless. I’m not usually speechless. If you ask anyone in my life, they will tell you that I blabber 24/7 and that I never shut up. But, as I said, today I was speechless. I was shocked that anybody would ever want to watch me stream on Twitch, and it occurred to me just how badly I’ve been wanting something without really believing that I was worthy, or that it would actually happen. When I look back and thought it was a sick joke…that’s just sad.

But it really shows how a change in attitude can change your life. As I have desperately wanted something like what I reached today, the desperation has definitely turned people away. But since I saw that number, thought it wasn’t real, and kept streaming, the number stayed. I’ve never had such a high number stay for as long as it did. And then I felt like I was Taylor Swift or something, telling everyone in my house how grateful I was that it happened and was honored that people were actually interested in me. (I mean no offense to Taylor in any way, I love her to death).

I’ve found that when you are desperate, no one will come to you. When you are having fun, that is when someone will notice, sit down for a minute, and possibly end up staying.