feather

Phoenix Feather

All my life, I have struggled with trying to understand who I am. Whoever I am…or whoever I was…has seemed to change tonight. I’m not going to go into details, but things happened. Unexpected things, and I lost a dear friend (not through death, just differences). It was in that moment that I realized I was putting more into trying to be the person that I thought the rest of the world would accept instead of trying to be who I truly was. Even when I tried to be who I truly was or who I thought I was, I didn’t really know what I was doing or where I was headed. It seemed like there was no pathway, and I was already in a dead-end alleyway. But something changed tonight, and I feel like I have truly found myself.

As I’ve said in another post here on this site, I believe that no one can truly be defined by just one word, term, or category. Now I know that for sure. I know now who I am, and I am far from a number, a color, or a word. I am far more than the ‘girl who survived’, although that’s a good legacy to have.

However, I want to create a different legacy, one that I have crafted myself. And so my journey starts.

My journey to the freedom of self-expression, knowing who I am, and knowing that no matter what happens in my life and even if my own body can and does feel like a prison because of being sick, there is nothing that can truly encase my soul or my spirit. Even if that may sound hokey. There’s nothing that can truly imprison me, and I have tried far too hard to be what I thought others wanted me to be. Now I realize that it doesn’t matter what or who I am - they will hate me anyway. So, why not just have fun with it?

Normally, I would end this post with something like ‘so, who am I?’ and then give a small list of what makes me who I am. I now realize that lists are hollow, and so are words if they are not believed. In addition, I have more to say than just a small bullet list of maybe five or six traits that supposedly make me up as a human being.

I know that I chose this life - somewhere in a dimension beyond this one - and I know that I am who I am because I have survived. And now I’m willing and ready to fight for everything that I’ve believed in, had faith in, and everything I’ve wanted to do for the past twelve years. I am ready to fight for the music career that I’ve wanted and wished I could pursue. I am ready to write a story that I can publish into a book, and I’m ready to do it all under the name Saruta Valentine.

Because Saruta is special to me. You may be wondering why I speak of myself in the third person, but the reality is, Saruta is not my real name. I am not going to share my real now - not now, maybe not ever. I am Saruta, and I will be her. I will be her, the character that I created in my years of desperation for the fear, anxiety, depression, and hatred to stop. The years that I fought a minutely battle against my mental illnesses, physical illnesses, and everything in between. The years where I wasn’t healthy, and a fictional character that I created named Saruta Valentine was all I had. Then, one day, I decided that I would become her.

I created Saruta with the fact in mind that she was completely and still is completely based off of myself. Everything that I believe, everything that I’ve wanted, and most importantly, all of the pain I’ve felt in my life. The older I got, the more I realized that this story I was creating around this fictional character looked closer and closer to the story I had lived in my real life, and so comes the story that I intend to publish.

However, it seems that as I discover who I truly am, I find myself to be a phoenix; a mythical creature that I have been so fascinated with ever since I first learned what it was. I love the legend of the Phoenix, about how she dies over and over again, just to be reborn as a goddess more beautiful than the last. I believe myself to be that very legend, and I would like to brand myself as so.

Even as I have felt like nothing but a barcode that needed to be fixed, I have died over and over only to be reborn again. Now I understand why. Because in the ashes, decay, and debris of who I once was lies the glowing feather - the ember - of everything that I have ever been meant to be. And now I take that feather into the palm of my hand, hold it to my heart, and allow it to light up my soul. With its warmth, I will find everything I have ever searched for.

With its warmth, I will be me.