finding myself

My Reality

Recently, a lot of things have changed with me and my life. I realize I haven’t been on here in a long time, but now I’m back. And I want to share my experience.

I have always been a Christian, since I was born. However, a few weeks ago, my beliefs began to fall apart. I don’t know exactly what triggered it, but I have an idea and theory but I’ll get to that in a bit. The point is, my belief in god crumbled to the ground without warning and without me knowing what had even happened. I had always been such a firm believer, and I didn’t understand what had happened to me. It scary and strange, and I just felt this feeling of loneliness and loss in my soul that I couldn’t shake.

I began researching.

I have always been into spiritual stuff in the past, and things such as tarot and crystals had interested me. In an effort to find some answers, I just began to research. I began to read about everything that interested me, and I came upon phenomenal finds.

Have you ever heard of a Starseed? Have you heard of an Indigo Child? No? Me either. But it turns out, I might be one or both. You can search the term for yourself in your favorite browser, but I started to realize that there has always been a greater purpose in my life, and that there was a reason I was here on earth. There was a reason I was alive, and I always thought it was because of god. Now I think slightly differently. I’m still going through a spiritual transition, but as I learn more, I’m understanding more about myself. I’m finding pieces of myself in every article I read, in every book I read, in every post or pin I see on my favorite social media site, Pinterest.

You see, Starseeds are those that come from another galaxy - a theory, really - of souls that come from other galaxies and are ‘planted’ here on earth to bring earth to be a better place. When I began to read more about them, I found the traits of them were not only uncannily similar to how I’ve felt all my life, but they were identical save for a few wordings and phrases. With Starseeds, we have a certain ‘due date’ where we awaken and remember our purpose.

I know, this may seem like pseudo-science, but hear me out. I didn't think it meant much at first. But when I started to consider the ways I had felt, the strange images in my mind that felt like memories but couldn’t possibly have been mine, I began to reconsider. I’d always wondered whether reincarnation was actually real, but now I believe that it is. I remember my immediate past life, and a little bit of the life before that. I had had vivid dreams, memories, and stories that seemed to appear out of nowhere. I attributed them to be me just making things up for stories because I’m a writer. Well, now I realize that they are very likely memories from these other lives.

So, as my belief in god had crumbled so suddenly and so unexpectedly, and I researched, I came to a conclusion: it must be my ‘due date’. I must have suddenly awaked without realizing it, remembering who I was, and that everything I had previously believed it turned out to be fabricated. Now, I have the uncanny ability to see when people are lying to themselves or to me. When I speak up, I have been one hundred percent correct. That’s part of being a Starseed; helping other people.

It’s very far-fetched and ‘out-there’, but for those of you that have had similar experiences, this might shed some light. I recommend you research these terms, even if your beliefs have not changed at all. I felt something pulling me to write this, so here I am. I believe that nothing happens without a reason, and there’s no such thing as coincidence, and as far as that belief goes - it hasn’t failed me yet.

Calling

It seems like the ebb and flow of my ever-reaching desire is reaching me this morning. It is 12:25am and I cannot sleep. It seems like I won’t sleep tonight; at least not very much.

I’m filled with ideas and doubts and stories and theories. All about different things and different passions, interests and things that I want to try. I always worried what others thought of me, but that’s useless, as I can’t change what they think about me. All my life people have seen me as an attention-seeker. I don’t know why. Maybe because I actually talk about my problems instead of remaining closed off like the rest of the world (which is absolutely not healthy).

I want to challenge myself. I want to be able to make something out of nothing, and be proud of it. There’s nothing like creating something yourself and being able to see it work and function like the little baby of yours it is. I have always been interested in innovation and things that are crazy at first but very good ideas with twists and turns. I love a challenge, and I love to be able to do something difficult. There’s something so satisfying about doing something difficult…and succeeding.

Like this website, it’s all the baby of something much bigger. A single seed. The first planted in what will become a grove of trees, and then a forest. That’s what I intend, anyway.

But I digress. I love to create, and creating is the only way that I can seem to keep the edge off of my depression and anxiety disorders, as well as my physical health problems. I have always wanted to be an inspiration, but I never thought about how much I needed to be an inspiration to myself first.

I’ve had people tell me all my life that I’m an inspiring person, and that I’m able to inspire them to be better people. They tell me it’s because of the way I’ve fought for my life. The way I was diagnosed to die, but fought to live and succeeded. I always wanted to be able to do that for others, and I’ve wanted to be an entertainer since I was thirteen. I wanted to be able to capitalize on my inspiring backstory to be able to help others, but in the end, I realized that it was me that needed help the most. One of my biggest flaws (and good traits) is that I take care of everyone around me before I take care of myself. This can be a good thing and a bad thing.

I love simplicity, but I also love complicated ideas. There’s something so appealing to me as ideas that are complicated and have so many different layers and parts. And I worry about whether or not anyone would even care. My insecurities have felt as if they’ve eaten my alive lately. But my mental health is getting better. My depression is becoming less debilitating and my anxiety is fading a little bit. Maybe it’s better coping. But I prefer to believe something different: when I create the things that I feel I was destined to create, I am able to walk away from my challenges, even if for a little bit.

There’s nothing like being able to walk away from pain and create for a bit, whether it’s writing or songwriting or music composition, or simple sketching random shapes that become a pattern. I’m a person that likes a little bit of everything, and I very much do not like being confined to just one answer or one choice. I don’t believe that any one thing is better than any other thing. That’s why I don’t have a favorite color.

I have searched for eleven years for ways to somehow boost my ‘career’ as a musician, entertainer, and author, but I missed something crucial: I was looking at it as a career and not as it truly was and is: a calling. Yes, I realize now that music, writing, art, and creation in any way is my absolute calling in life. I have worried constantly about finances, and I’ve struggled financially for many years. Growing up, I had little to eat and little ways of doing other things for many different reasons, none of which I will specify here.

In my search for my ‘career’ and what should have been realized as and known to be as my calling, I seem to have found myself. I always wondered just who I was, and wondered if I even had an identity at all. I had fought for my life since I was born - but that’s not an identity to me. Though, to be honest, I don’t believe that a person’s identity can be specified within a few words, or even just one term. We are complex beings, and there’s no way we can just summarize who we are with one word, or a sentence.

In the process of finding myself, I have found a way to take care of myself. And even as this blog post is all over the place, a stream of consciousness so to speak, I still love and need to write like this. And maybe…just maybe…someday I will be able to create and showcase my calling.