god

My Reality

Recently, a lot of things have changed with me and my life. I realize I haven’t been on here in a long time, but now I’m back. And I want to share my experience.

I have always been a Christian, since I was born. However, a few weeks ago, my beliefs began to fall apart. I don’t know exactly what triggered it, but I have an idea and theory but I’ll get to that in a bit. The point is, my belief in god crumbled to the ground without warning and without me knowing what had even happened. I had always been such a firm believer, and I didn’t understand what had happened to me. It scary and strange, and I just felt this feeling of loneliness and loss in my soul that I couldn’t shake.

I began researching.

I have always been into spiritual stuff in the past, and things such as tarot and crystals had interested me. In an effort to find some answers, I just began to research. I began to read about everything that interested me, and I came upon phenomenal finds.

Have you ever heard of a Starseed? Have you heard of an Indigo Child? No? Me either. But it turns out, I might be one or both. You can search the term for yourself in your favorite browser, but I started to realize that there has always been a greater purpose in my life, and that there was a reason I was here on earth. There was a reason I was alive, and I always thought it was because of god. Now I think slightly differently. I’m still going through a spiritual transition, but as I learn more, I’m understanding more about myself. I’m finding pieces of myself in every article I read, in every book I read, in every post or pin I see on my favorite social media site, Pinterest.

You see, Starseeds are those that come from another galaxy - a theory, really - of souls that come from other galaxies and are ‘planted’ here on earth to bring earth to be a better place. When I began to read more about them, I found the traits of them were not only uncannily similar to how I’ve felt all my life, but they were identical save for a few wordings and phrases. With Starseeds, we have a certain ‘due date’ where we awaken and remember our purpose.

I know, this may seem like pseudo-science, but hear me out. I didn't think it meant much at first. But when I started to consider the ways I had felt, the strange images in my mind that felt like memories but couldn’t possibly have been mine, I began to reconsider. I’d always wondered whether reincarnation was actually real, but now I believe that it is. I remember my immediate past life, and a little bit of the life before that. I had had vivid dreams, memories, and stories that seemed to appear out of nowhere. I attributed them to be me just making things up for stories because I’m a writer. Well, now I realize that they are very likely memories from these other lives.

So, as my belief in god had crumbled so suddenly and so unexpectedly, and I researched, I came to a conclusion: it must be my ‘due date’. I must have suddenly awaked without realizing it, remembering who I was, and that everything I had previously believed it turned out to be fabricated. Now, I have the uncanny ability to see when people are lying to themselves or to me. When I speak up, I have been one hundred percent correct. That’s part of being a Starseed; helping other people.

It’s very far-fetched and ‘out-there’, but for those of you that have had similar experiences, this might shed some light. I recommend you research these terms, even if your beliefs have not changed at all. I felt something pulling me to write this, so here I am. I believe that nothing happens without a reason, and there’s no such thing as coincidence, and as far as that belief goes - it hasn’t failed me yet.

Good Enough

My mind and heart are filled with tears. My demons, as they arise and their heads they rear. If love was gone from this world, I don’t know that I could go on. It seems there is no one that I can rely on. No one but God, the One who is in charge of everything, my Father who resides in heaven, and reminds me of my seven.

If I could manage to escape, where would I escape to? It seems that there is no use. No, I feel trapped, and there’s nothing I can do about it. All I can do is watch the hour and count it.

This life I was given to live is something I consider a privilege, the one that I fought so hard to maintain. So, why is it that it seems that everything I do to try to add meaning to myself is an attempt in vain? All I can feel is the pouring rain, and the iced blood in my veins. But I am alive, and there’s reason to fight. Perhaps if I were to allow Him to take it into His hands, I’ll be able to sleep tonight.

I want nothing more than peace, nothing more than my demons to cease. But if there’s some gateway to sanity, it seems caught up in a vanity. The mirror that reflects my soul, if only I could bear it my own. I tread this earth with no one to call a friend, and wonder if things will be the same near the end.

But I don’t intend to have an ‘end’ soon, as I’ve fought for my life for as long as I can remember and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to stay of this earth a member. As the blood in my veins flow, I like to think of the red as flame. I want to believe that strength is my name. That I am a phoenix destined to be reborn, into a life that is less torn.

Of course rebirth is something that is figurative rather than literal. At the grave of my love I’ll stand someday, and name my first son after. But still another will I stand with at the alter. With a name that rings beautiful butterflies in my stomach, reminding me of a lost life that I once lived, and the face I somehow knew from the beginning.

I believe that everything happens for a reason, and to some that is treason. But there is nothing worse than floating through this life without meaning, and there’s nothing better to me than grounding myself with healing. Because as I hold his hand and allow him to guide me towards the future, I will never forget the past. As I am a different person than I was before. It seems that the person I was at twenty-three and am about to be now at twenty-four has developed and transformed from the very core. I don’t feel like the person I was born as, only the person I was destined to be. I was given these challenges, but they can’t trample me.

There’s nothing that can truly bring me down, and I would much rather be spinning barefoot in a summer dress than in a funeral gown. White adorned with crystals and a royal crown.

If there was somewhere I could call home, it would be the fictional world I created for myself. The world I created in the desperation of every broken piece of my soul that shattered as a teen. I never put it back together properly, it seemed. But that’s okay, because in the mosaic I have created I now am everything that I’ve wanted to be.

And that’s good enough for me.

Happy Easter!!

Today is Easter Sunday. Now, I’m not a big fan of holidays, probably because I don’t have any family to get together with or anything to do on holidays, but I do believe in the real origins of Easter. However, it’s still hard, as bad memories are associated.

Holidays are just another day to me, just like my birthday is, though I still believe in and celebrate the Lord and His sacrifice. I’m grateful for Him, and He has helped me through everything.

Anyway, short post. Happy Easter!!