Today I Looked Inside Myself

Today, I looked inside myself. At the darkness left untamed. The darkness I refused to face for too long, and now I’ll pencil it down, in pictures and in words. I’ll put it in black and white, just as is in my mind, and I’ll allow them to take flight. The fight that I put up for my own survival and the death living inside the walls of every hospital room I occupied, how could I not be fascinated by death at night?

To face who I am would be difficult, but what would be useless and a waste would be not looking at all. I am who I am, and I’ve survived as I’ve survived. Now everything goes bump in the night.

Surviving things others never did, managing to find years that others never had, my gratitude takes flight, but it lacks the shine, the light.

There’s something dark about me; there always has been. Life and death in a eternal cycle of turmoil. But at least life and death know where they stand.

And now I’ll allow myself to be who I truly am. Leave if you must. But just remember, there never is a time where I trust. I’ve been betrayed too many times, and I’ve seen too much violence. And in my little sight as a child, I saw far too much tragedy. Something running amuck, I thought I was insane. Perhaps the darkness in me was only to be expected.

But even so, I have found myself internally respected.


Today I have an appointment with the liver specialist, hepatology. Similar to how a ‘cardiologist’ is a heart specialist. I’ve been to cardiology all my life, but now I have to see the hepatologists because my liver isn’t working well. I just hope they don’t throw something like nephrology in there (kidney specialists). It just seems like none of my major organs work sometimes, and considering that I only slept five hours last night I’m not very happy about having to leave the house today. Not fun.

But there’s nothing wrong with hepatology. In fact, they are much nicer than cardiology, which is where I’ve always gone. The liver people even offered me hot cocoa! Cardiology doesn’t seem to care who they inconvenience, and I’m used to waiting a minimum of three hours just to get seen. Needless to say, I always bring something to do.

My heart is the organ that works the least while liver is second, lungs are third, and kidneys are last. Thankfully the kidneys are the easiest to treat, but it’s frustrating that the others don’t work, and I must say that at twenty-four, I’m surprised I haven’t lost all of my hair or something over all the stress my heart condition has caused me over the years. I’m surprised the doctors haven’t quit as well. But considering that most of the doctors I see have been there for decades, there’s little they haven’t seen.

It’s frustrating because I scare a lot of people just by them knowing that I’m sick. Then, when they figure out it’s a very rare sickness, pretty much untreatable, and that I’ve had it since I was born, they tend to give me a very wide berth and avoid eye contact. It can be irritating when others don’t treat me like a human being when I already struggle with being in the hospital all the time anyway.

Not that I’m complaining. I’m alive, and that’s what matters.

Anyway, I hope all of you have a wonderful Wednesday morning, April 24th!