It has been difficult for me to decide what to write about on this blog, and what to use this website for, but I knew I wanted a website. And I’m glad I have one, because as I’m discovering myself more and more, I’m finding that blogging about my experiences is very rewarding. Keeping things to yourself is never a healthy thing to do, and that seems to be something I’ve done for as long as I can remember. I won’t go into details, but let’s just say there wasn’t much room to speak out while I was growing up.

It’s interesting how we adopt anything our parents tell us while we grow up; how we are programmed at a certain age to do certain things and have certain beliefs. I never understood that, and I can’t think of any way that children wouldn’t be programmed by their parents. But as I personally believe that religion is a cult, (all of them), it seems that I wish there was another way to do things. But children are at the mercy of those they are born to, and that’s not always a bad thing.

I was born to a wonderful mother. A mother who let me help her bake cookies when I was little and gave me a handful of chocolate chips to eat while she mixed the dough. A mother who gave me a spoon of raw dough so we could eat some together while the rest was in the oven. I have a wonderful family, although I’m estranged from most of it.

What I’m getting at is the things I’m realizing along the way of deciding to take my own path. I became an atheist because I decided that I wanted to be in charge of my own path. I didn’t want anyone to decide anything for me. I didn’t want anyone in charge of me, and that’s basically the epitome of Christianity. Here, I can be open. Here, I can be truthful.

In my journey, I have found that honesty is what resonates the most with others, and I’ve always wanted to help others. Honesty is the best way to connect with others, as well as keeping an open mind. I’ve tried my best to keep an open mind to those I’m around, and I hope that I’ve helped a few lives along the way.

I love to read things called ‘angel numbers’, where repeating numbers that you see in your life are considered signs that higher beings or archangels or guardians are speaking with you through these numbers. I have gotten many incredible numbers. But all of them point to my purpose in life being humanitarian-based. In a way, this leaves a bad taste in my mouth because of the way I was taught to ‘serve’ growing up. I hated service because it was never a choice. It was either serving someone, or being reprimanded and told that you are unrighteous and that you need to fix something, and that god is not happy with you. There was no choice to me.

But now I see service differently. I want to help others in the way that only I can, as an individual. Now that is something I’m very good at. I enjoy it and I’m grateful for the gift of connecting with people that I was born with. I’m grateful for my gift of communication and how clear I’m able to speak. But at the same time, I have terrible social anxiety.

Again, in my journey just within the last few weeks, I have found that honesty is the best. So, here I am being honest. I don’t know what direction to head next. I don’t know entirely what I believe other than gods or goddesses don’t exist. And lastly: I know that right now, I am more free than I have ever been before.

The World Is Mad

One thing about the world that I truly do not understand is cruelty and hatred. It’s something that I don’t currently understand, and I don’t think I’ll ever understand it. It saddens me to see the world in the state that it is right now, but there’s little we can do to change it. Too many people are not willing to change their ways, their greed, their views of political hatred. And I never understood why politics should be so heated in the first place. It’s just opinions as far as I’m concerned, and where I live - in the United States - we have it really good, and yet people are complaining left and right about wanting privileges they already have, such as gay rights. Maybe I just don’t comprehend the situation, but if we already have gay rights…why are people still marching in the streets for it…?

I digress.

It’s so difficult to understand the world, and I don’t remember there being even half of the hatred in the world ten years ago that is currently here today. It makes me wonder if the world is insane, or if we’ve always been this way. No matter what I think, though, I just wish the violence would stop. I wish that people would stop hurting each other, and that’s something that is truly unacceptable.

Humans are the only species that takes absolute joy and delight in hurting and harming each other. That is downright disturbing. It scares me, because you never know if you’re safe or not.

Again, I digress. The world is a little mad right now, and I wonder if it has always been that way. I am only twenty-four years old, and I don’t remember it ever being this mad…but maybe I just wasn’t looking. Either way, I hope it doesn’t get any worse.