love

Helping

It has been difficult for me to decide what to write about on this blog, and what to use this website for, but I knew I wanted a website. And I’m glad I have one, because as I’m discovering myself more and more, I’m finding that blogging about my experiences is very rewarding. Keeping things to yourself is never a healthy thing to do, and that seems to be something I’ve done for as long as I can remember. I won’t go into details, but let’s just say there wasn’t much room to speak out while I was growing up.

It’s interesting how we adopt anything our parents tell us while we grow up; how we are programmed at a certain age to do certain things and have certain beliefs. I never understood that, and I can’t think of any way that children wouldn’t be programmed by their parents. But as I personally believe that religion is a cult, (all of them), it seems that I wish there was another way to do things. But children are at the mercy of those they are born to, and that’s not always a bad thing.

I was born to a wonderful mother. A mother who let me help her bake cookies when I was little and gave me a handful of chocolate chips to eat while she mixed the dough. A mother who gave me a spoon of raw dough so we could eat some together while the rest was in the oven. I have a wonderful family, although I’m estranged from most of it.

What I’m getting at is the things I’m realizing along the way of deciding to take my own path. I became an atheist because I decided that I wanted to be in charge of my own path. I didn’t want anyone to decide anything for me. I didn’t want anyone in charge of me, and that’s basically the epitome of Christianity. Here, I can be open. Here, I can be truthful.

In my journey, I have found that honesty is what resonates the most with others, and I’ve always wanted to help others. Honesty is the best way to connect with others, as well as keeping an open mind. I’ve tried my best to keep an open mind to those I’m around, and I hope that I’ve helped a few lives along the way.

I love to read things called ‘angel numbers’, where repeating numbers that you see in your life are considered signs that higher beings or archangels or guardians are speaking with you through these numbers. I have gotten many incredible numbers. But all of them point to my purpose in life being humanitarian-based. In a way, this leaves a bad taste in my mouth because of the way I was taught to ‘serve’ growing up. I hated service because it was never a choice. It was either serving someone, or being reprimanded and told that you are unrighteous and that you need to fix something, and that god is not happy with you. There was no choice to me.

But now I see service differently. I want to help others in the way that only I can, as an individual. Now that is something I’m very good at. I enjoy it and I’m grateful for the gift of connecting with people that I was born with. I’m grateful for my gift of communication and how clear I’m able to speak. But at the same time, I have terrible social anxiety.

Again, in my journey just within the last few weeks, I have found that honesty is the best. So, here I am being honest. I don’t know what direction to head next. I don’t know entirely what I believe other than gods or goddesses don’t exist. And lastly: I know that right now, I am more free than I have ever been before.

Good Enough

My mind and heart are filled with tears. My demons, as they arise and their heads they rear. If love was gone from this world, I don’t know that I could go on. It seems there is no one that I can rely on. No one but God, the One who is in charge of everything, my Father who resides in heaven, and reminds me of my seven.

If I could manage to escape, where would I escape to? It seems that there is no use. No, I feel trapped, and there’s nothing I can do about it. All I can do is watch the hour and count it.

This life I was given to live is something I consider a privilege, the one that I fought so hard to maintain. So, why is it that it seems that everything I do to try to add meaning to myself is an attempt in vain? All I can feel is the pouring rain, and the iced blood in my veins. But I am alive, and there’s reason to fight. Perhaps if I were to allow Him to take it into His hands, I’ll be able to sleep tonight.

I want nothing more than peace, nothing more than my demons to cease. But if there’s some gateway to sanity, it seems caught up in a vanity. The mirror that reflects my soul, if only I could bear it my own. I tread this earth with no one to call a friend, and wonder if things will be the same near the end.

But I don’t intend to have an ‘end’ soon, as I’ve fought for my life for as long as I can remember and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to stay of this earth a member. As the blood in my veins flow, I like to think of the red as flame. I want to believe that strength is my name. That I am a phoenix destined to be reborn, into a life that is less torn.

Of course rebirth is something that is figurative rather than literal. At the grave of my love I’ll stand someday, and name my first son after. But still another will I stand with at the alter. With a name that rings beautiful butterflies in my stomach, reminding me of a lost life that I once lived, and the face I somehow knew from the beginning.

I believe that everything happens for a reason, and to some that is treason. But there is nothing worse than floating through this life without meaning, and there’s nothing better to me than grounding myself with healing. Because as I hold his hand and allow him to guide me towards the future, I will never forget the past. As I am a different person than I was before. It seems that the person I was at twenty-three and am about to be now at twenty-four has developed and transformed from the very core. I don’t feel like the person I was born as, only the person I was destined to be. I was given these challenges, but they can’t trample me.

There’s nothing that can truly bring me down, and I would much rather be spinning barefoot in a summer dress than in a funeral gown. White adorned with crystals and a royal crown.

If there was somewhere I could call home, it would be the fictional world I created for myself. The world I created in the desperation of every broken piece of my soul that shattered as a teen. I never put it back together properly, it seemed. But that’s okay, because in the mosaic I have created I now am everything that I’ve wanted to be.

And that’s good enough for me.

Happy Easter!!

Today is Easter Sunday. Now, I’m not a big fan of holidays, probably because I don’t have any family to get together with or anything to do on holidays, but I do believe in the real origins of Easter. However, it’s still hard, as bad memories are associated.

Holidays are just another day to me, just like my birthday is, though I still believe in and celebrate the Lord and His sacrifice. I’m grateful for Him, and He has helped me through everything.

Anyway, short post. Happy Easter!!