music

Unity

To me, there’s nothing in this world quite like creating something. Whether it is music, writing, or both, I find that I’m the happiest when I create.

I want to make my music very unique, and I have many different influences musically. But one thing that I think is more important than a musical influence, however, is the passion with which you are working with something. Passion is everything. It can make or break a career in the performing arts, and it can definitely make or break the success that you’d wish to have by driving people away.

I notice that if I’m listening to music and it’s overly produced and more than five people wrote the song, I become irritated with the sound, and I become irritated with the idea of the song. It’s not that I’m judging how many people had to finish the track, it’s that I can’t imagine sharing creative control of my work with anyone. It’s insane how some people are willing to just hand over creative control. Another thing that I don’t understand is those that go into the music industry or Hollywood looking to make a name, or become famous. I have never made music because I’ve wanted to be famous. I’ve never really wanted to be famous in the first place. All I’ve wanted is to create something that means something to me, and hope that it connects with others.

I have had many people tell me that I’m an excellent writer. I don’t know whether or not this is true because I choose not to analyze my works and creations. I would much rather leave them raw, and not touch them once they feel finished.

Maybe I’m simply a control freak, and I love to have everything within my control. Or maybe I could actually make the turn out that I’ve always dreamed of, with others connecting to my music and writing, and finding people who love the same things as I do.

To me, that’s unity.

Calling

It seems like the ebb and flow of my ever-reaching desire is reaching me this morning. It is 12:25am and I cannot sleep. It seems like I won’t sleep tonight; at least not very much.

I’m filled with ideas and doubts and stories and theories. All about different things and different passions, interests and things that I want to try. I always worried what others thought of me, but that’s useless, as I can’t change what they think about me. All my life people have seen me as an attention-seeker. I don’t know why. Maybe because I actually talk about my problems instead of remaining closed off like the rest of the world (which is absolutely not healthy).

I want to challenge myself. I want to be able to make something out of nothing, and be proud of it. There’s nothing like creating something yourself and being able to see it work and function like the little baby of yours it is. I have always been interested in innovation and things that are crazy at first but very good ideas with twists and turns. I love a challenge, and I love to be able to do something difficult. There’s something so satisfying about doing something difficult…and succeeding.

Like this website, it’s all the baby of something much bigger. A single seed. The first planted in what will become a grove of trees, and then a forest. That’s what I intend, anyway.

But I digress. I love to create, and creating is the only way that I can seem to keep the edge off of my depression and anxiety disorders, as well as my physical health problems. I have always wanted to be an inspiration, but I never thought about how much I needed to be an inspiration to myself first.

I’ve had people tell me all my life that I’m an inspiring person, and that I’m able to inspire them to be better people. They tell me it’s because of the way I’ve fought for my life. The way I was diagnosed to die, but fought to live and succeeded. I always wanted to be able to do that for others, and I’ve wanted to be an entertainer since I was thirteen. I wanted to be able to capitalize on my inspiring backstory to be able to help others, but in the end, I realized that it was me that needed help the most. One of my biggest flaws (and good traits) is that I take care of everyone around me before I take care of myself. This can be a good thing and a bad thing.

I love simplicity, but I also love complicated ideas. There’s something so appealing to me as ideas that are complicated and have so many different layers and parts. And I worry about whether or not anyone would even care. My insecurities have felt as if they’ve eaten my alive lately. But my mental health is getting better. My depression is becoming less debilitating and my anxiety is fading a little bit. Maybe it’s better coping. But I prefer to believe something different: when I create the things that I feel I was destined to create, I am able to walk away from my challenges, even if for a little bit.

There’s nothing like being able to walk away from pain and create for a bit, whether it’s writing or songwriting or music composition, or simple sketching random shapes that become a pattern. I’m a person that likes a little bit of everything, and I very much do not like being confined to just one answer or one choice. I don’t believe that any one thing is better than any other thing. That’s why I don’t have a favorite color.

I have searched for eleven years for ways to somehow boost my ‘career’ as a musician, entertainer, and author, but I missed something crucial: I was looking at it as a career and not as it truly was and is: a calling. Yes, I realize now that music, writing, art, and creation in any way is my absolute calling in life. I have worried constantly about finances, and I’ve struggled financially for many years. Growing up, I had little to eat and little ways of doing other things for many different reasons, none of which I will specify here.

In my search for my ‘career’ and what should have been realized as and known to be as my calling, I seem to have found myself. I always wondered just who I was, and wondered if I even had an identity at all. I had fought for my life since I was born - but that’s not an identity to me. Though, to be honest, I don’t believe that a person’s identity can be specified within a few words, or even just one term. We are complex beings, and there’s no way we can just summarize who we are with one word, or a sentence.

In the process of finding myself, I have found a way to take care of myself. And even as this blog post is all over the place, a stream of consciousness so to speak, I still love and need to write like this. And maybe…just maybe…someday I will be able to create and showcase my calling.

Ambitions

I usually don’t like to speak about myself, and that may never change. I intend to be an entertainer someday, and I think that art - writing and music - is a better way to speak about myself than rambling on and on for hours about whatever memories I might have. And I do tend to go on for hours.

Sometime in the future, when I’ve reached that goal of becoming an entertainer, I don’t want to give interviews. That might seem like a foolish decision, but it’s one that I’ve made with much thought. I really don’t like being put on the spot, unless it’s to show something I’ve created. I don’t have any interest in telling how I have created it, unless I do it in some other form of art, such as an autobiography (which I intend to write someday).

Maybe this blog will be about my goals to reach my dreams and ambitions. I think that’ll be it. See, I’m still trying to figure it out. I only registered this domain yesterday!

Let’s see…I have tried becoming a published author for the last twelve years. I have tried becoming a singer/entertainer for the last eleven. It’s been a long time I’ve been fighting for this, and I’m not even twenty-five years old yet. But that’s one thing about me: it doesn’t matter how old I am; I am the most ambitious person I know.

It’s nice to be ambitious, because I always have goals and new heights that I’m reaching to. So, where have I gotten with those goals and dreams? Not far. But that doesn’t mean that 2019 won’t be the year that will change things.