realize

Calling

It seems like the ebb and flow of my ever-reaching desire is reaching me this morning. It is 12:25am and I cannot sleep. It seems like I won’t sleep tonight; at least not very much.

I’m filled with ideas and doubts and stories and theories. All about different things and different passions, interests and things that I want to try. I always worried what others thought of me, but that’s useless, as I can’t change what they think about me. All my life people have seen me as an attention-seeker. I don’t know why. Maybe because I actually talk about my problems instead of remaining closed off like the rest of the world (which is absolutely not healthy).

I want to challenge myself. I want to be able to make something out of nothing, and be proud of it. There’s nothing like creating something yourself and being able to see it work and function like the little baby of yours it is. I have always been interested in innovation and things that are crazy at first but very good ideas with twists and turns. I love a challenge, and I love to be able to do something difficult. There’s something so satisfying about doing something difficult…and succeeding.

Like this website, it’s all the baby of something much bigger. A single seed. The first planted in what will become a grove of trees, and then a forest. That’s what I intend, anyway.

But I digress. I love to create, and creating is the only way that I can seem to keep the edge off of my depression and anxiety disorders, as well as my physical health problems. I have always wanted to be an inspiration, but I never thought about how much I needed to be an inspiration to myself first.

I’ve had people tell me all my life that I’m an inspiring person, and that I’m able to inspire them to be better people. They tell me it’s because of the way I’ve fought for my life. The way I was diagnosed to die, but fought to live and succeeded. I always wanted to be able to do that for others, and I’ve wanted to be an entertainer since I was thirteen. I wanted to be able to capitalize on my inspiring backstory to be able to help others, but in the end, I realized that it was me that needed help the most. One of my biggest flaws (and good traits) is that I take care of everyone around me before I take care of myself. This can be a good thing and a bad thing.

I love simplicity, but I also love complicated ideas. There’s something so appealing to me as ideas that are complicated and have so many different layers and parts. And I worry about whether or not anyone would even care. My insecurities have felt as if they’ve eaten my alive lately. But my mental health is getting better. My depression is becoming less debilitating and my anxiety is fading a little bit. Maybe it’s better coping. But I prefer to believe something different: when I create the things that I feel I was destined to create, I am able to walk away from my challenges, even if for a little bit.

There’s nothing like being able to walk away from pain and create for a bit, whether it’s writing or songwriting or music composition, or simple sketching random shapes that become a pattern. I’m a person that likes a little bit of everything, and I very much do not like being confined to just one answer or one choice. I don’t believe that any one thing is better than any other thing. That’s why I don’t have a favorite color.

I have searched for eleven years for ways to somehow boost my ‘career’ as a musician, entertainer, and author, but I missed something crucial: I was looking at it as a career and not as it truly was and is: a calling. Yes, I realize now that music, writing, art, and creation in any way is my absolute calling in life. I have worried constantly about finances, and I’ve struggled financially for many years. Growing up, I had little to eat and little ways of doing other things for many different reasons, none of which I will specify here.

In my search for my ‘career’ and what should have been realized as and known to be as my calling, I seem to have found myself. I always wondered just who I was, and wondered if I even had an identity at all. I had fought for my life since I was born - but that’s not an identity to me. Though, to be honest, I don’t believe that a person’s identity can be specified within a few words, or even just one term. We are complex beings, and there’s no way we can just summarize who we are with one word, or a sentence.

In the process of finding myself, I have found a way to take care of myself. And even as this blog post is all over the place, a stream of consciousness so to speak, I still love and need to write like this. And maybe…just maybe…someday I will be able to create and showcase my calling.