Write My Truth

Write your truth. 

I pray a lot. I feel like, in the world – especially here in the United States – it is nearly forbidden to speak about God or anything of the like. Of course we aren’t hurt physically by speaking of Him, but we are yelled at, made fun of, and told that it’s absolutely inappropriate, among other things. But I pray more than three times a day, because it is my solace. It is everything to me. I have turned my face towards Him and now my depression and anxiety aren’t so incredibly difficult.

I always wondered what it would be like to reach the goals that I’ve set for myself. I still wonder, because I haven’t reached them yet. I still wonder what it would be like to get out of a tour bus at a gas station and look up at the stars in the night sky. I still wonder what it would be like to even live on a tour bus – a dream come true for me, because I love to travel, and I don’t care where I sleep, so long as I have a warm blanket.

I want so badly to be a singer. I want so badly to be an entertainer. And I’m working towards it. I’m working towards writing my own music and breaking into that field with all my might. I’m also doing it with writing, but perhaps not as strongly.

I found that as I wrote on here, I wasn’t writing my truth. I wasn’t necessarily writing what I wanted to write, or what I felt like writing. I thought I was burnt out, but really I just didn’t feel connected to what I wrote. And to write my truth…that’s the answer I received in a prayer when I asked what I needed to do concerning this blog. Write my truth.

So, I suppose this is my truth: I’m coming towards my dreams, and I’m securing their place in my life. But I need to make sure that I secure my own well-being in addition to that. I need to make sure that I’m making what I love a priority, and I need to make sure that I make myself a priority. I’m one of those people that often allows themselves to get lost in the traffic of trying to take care of everyone else. I find myself to be endlessly taking care of everyone around me, and when I collapse in my bed, exhausted, I don’t even know what to do with myself. I become so overwhelmed, but don’t feel justified taking a break and doing something for myself. I.E. doing what I need to in order to keep myself healthy and happy. And right now, that’s music.

Of course, I am going to continue to write on here, but for some reason, I feel as though music is what is really calling me right now. More than anything else I’ve ever felt. I don’t know why, but I’ve never been one to ignore a gut feeling. Still, I will write here every single day, and I will write my truth. 

Because the truth is where it all began.

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Never Get Tired

To write is to become immortal. These scripted words upon this worn out page.

This is something I recently learned. I’m fascinated with writing and in love with it now more than ever.

I love to write because it helps me to understand myself, and how I’m feeling. Been recently I’ve been feeling a little burnt out. I apologize for that. Perhaps writing so much a day took it out of me! Either way, I feel exhausted. But one thing is for sure: I’ll never get tired of writing.

My Start With Writing

I worry often that my writing is not good enough. I know I’ve said this before, but I have a bad habit of repeating, something I wish I could get rid of. But it has been proven to me with this blog that my writing is good and can be powerful. It was an acquaintance of mine who got me writing – and then convinced me that everything I wrote was less than worthy of her time. It was trash compared to what they wrote.

I met this person at twelve years old and I knew them for years. Even though they got me into writing, they also convinced me that everything I did wasn’t good enough. Eventually, I saw how toxic this person was, but not before they shamelessly pushed me to the point of being suicidal. Since then, I have been in near-constant therapy and my wonderful mother went and spoke to this individual, telling them that they were no longer welcome in our home and that they were to never speak to me again.

I don’t entirely know why I felt pressed to tell this story, but I did. Lastly, I just want to say that you don’t have to listen to anyone who is cruel to you, because I’ve recently learned that a person’s cruelty is a reflection of themselves, not you, or what they might say about you.

Even when I speak of this person, I avoid using their name because as terrible as it seems, to me they don’t deserve to be referred to by their name. They nearly destroyed me, but I thankfully came out on the other side.

I will never understand cruelty. The motivation behind it, the way others think it’s right to act that way. I will never understand it, sans I hope that upon reading this that you can possibly shut a toxic person out of your life as well.

Wow Pt 2

I am so stressed right now. I’ve never been on the phone with customer service for a full hour. Needless to say it was nerve-wracking.

I don’t want to mention the hosting platform I chose as I believe that they are very competent and that this experience of mine was only a fluke. I think God was telling me that it’s not time for a website yet. Perhaps I’m not ready.

But I’m grateful for this experience because in a way it shows me that I can just move forward with having fun writing. As much as I’m frustrated and I would like to have a website, I don’t have the money, nor the energy to do that right now. Right now I just need to sleep. It’s hard doing things for the first time. I’m very tired and have a massive headache.

But I’m grateful to still have this blog.

Wow

Hi, I just wanted to say that if you couldn’t get to my previous posts, it’s because I tried to connect my blog to a hosting platform to turn it into a website. One hour on customer service later, I am now a giant bundle of nerves. I have severe phone anxiety. But now my posts will resume as usual. Thank you.

Feeling Better

Feeling so much better than I have a long time. Slept literally all day and I’m feeling great. Also, I’m trying to eliminate stressors. I don’t want to go into details but my biggest stressor was gone for a day, hence the day of sleep.

I’m on my way to not having that stress anymore, and I’m hoping my health will significantly improve as a result.

It’s been a little hard to write lately just because I’ve been so worn out, but this has rejuvenated me.

I’m so grateful!

Taught

Every day it seems that this world gets a little crazier. Watching the politics in my country is more insane than you’d think. I also have been watching some videos about books on YouTube lately, and I noticed something. A sort of trend: what should people do with ‘bad’ books? Books that are filled with hate, or send a bad message or just simply make you feel awful inside as you read it?

My mother taught me a lot of things growing up, and one of the things she taught me that I value the most is that nothing in this world is ‘bad’. There are no bad people, but simply people who made poor decisions. There is no such thing as a bad book because it is someone’s creation. Just as you can’t judge one artist next to another to discern which is better, you can’t place two authors together and compare which is better. My reasoning behind this is simple; if one writer has a sophisticated writing style but dull stories, are they a good or bad writer? And the other one, maybe their writing style isn’t as polished but their stories are engaging. In this scenario, which is the better writer?

Neither, because they both need work. Just as everyone has to work on themselves to grow, so do writer’s. Does that mean they’re bad if their story isn’t as engaging as another? No. They simply need to work on methods that they can incorporate to engage the readers.

I’m so grateful my mother taught me to look at the world in this way because it not only allows me to level-headed in areas but to also approach a situation with the full intention of valuing both sides.

I don’t pick sides. I see pros and cons in both. I don’t even pick a favorite color because every color is beautiful to me.

So, however the world – or people on YouTube – might judge things, there are no bad people, and there are no bad creations by people. There are no bad perspectives because we all see things in a different light, through a different lens.

That’s what I believe. That’s what I know to be true.

Ambitions Part 1

So, small update. Going to the Dr tomorrow so I won’t be able to write as much. Anyway, moving on.

I thought I’d talk about some of things I’m interested in/want to do. *deep breath* here we go.

I want to eventually start a YouTube channel where I do various things such as talk about books (it’s called BookTube; a channel completely dedicated to books). I also want to do covers of me singing some of my favorite songs, and they will be studio quality because I plan on building a studio and learning countless musical instruments. Next, I want to do let’s plays which are basically where you record yourself playing video games (one of my passions) and put in on YouTube. It’s very popular.

Next, I want to livestream different things on my Twitch channel, like art and video games that I prefer to play live.

I’m very interested in writing right now (obviously) and I have so many little ideas for potential novels, and I’m going to work on those.

I’ve been really into Fall Out Boy lately; I just discovered their music. And I love it. I’m also really excited about finding really talented YouTubers because I would like to start a record label and sign artists who have never been signed before and I love their music.

Finally, I want to start a charity and do everything I can for those in need.

Well, I’ve got a lot more than that, but that’s all I’m going to include in this post. I’m sorry for this post being a little jumbled up, I am exhausted.

Thanks for reading. I definitely will be discussing more ambitions later on.

Behind These Words

As I have been a writer and as I write these words, I have always feared writing what I truly felt, what I truly believed, as well as my own opinions. I suppose this is a little more candid than other posts. But I’ve been paralyzed with fear for several minutes, trying to decide whether or not to write this post.

But I’m not going to let these fears destroy me. I am going to triumph, I am going to revel in the spirit of the warrior that I am, and know that despite the fact that I have been bullied in the past for simple opinions (bullied pretty brutally I might add, as well as threatened and blackmailed), I will not allow that to stop me again. I will never allow it to stop me again. So even as I type these words with the fear I feel and dread I taste, I will step past that threshold. They can’t hold me back if I don’t let them, and soon enough, their words fade into nothing but background noise. The opinions I’ve had and things I’ve wanted to say have been something I’ve been very frightened to tell, because I’ve been silenced before. Then, when I tried to explain, I was told I was ‘crying wolf’. ‘Being dramatic’ and ‘lying for attention’. But I’ve gotten this my whole life.

No longer will I let these bullies of my past rule my present, nor will I let them determine my future. So, here are some things about me; some opinions I don’t usually share, and some things that make me uniquely me:

I am easily impressionable, believing instantly everything I hear

I’m not proud of that

A real man is a man who will do anything to make his children happy

I think it’s pathetic to back out on taking care of someone just because you don’t want to help and would rather spend time doing what you want to do (I have a specific person in mind for this, but I’m not going into details)

I believe that the world can, at some point, truly be a land of peace

I believe in humans on other planets and I am determined to be the one that discovers them and makes first contact…somehow

A father should get just as much leave when having a newborn infant as a mother does

It is because of people that cheat the system that it is now so hard to get health insurance

Ignorance is the thing I hate the most in this world

I love sweets, and I like to eat something sweet everyday

Someday I want to live in Japan

I want to become one of the best-selling authors in history, and even as I fear saying that, I know that it is who I am, and as I write this, I hope that you enjoyed learning a little bit about the woman behind the words

 

I’m a Crazy Cat Lady

I never knew animals had such personalities until we got cats. And believe me – cats are the most dramatic creatures on this planet. They say women are the most dramatic. Nope. Cats are.

To date, I have had eight cats in my lifetime. Five have passed away and we still have three (me and my family). I have a little orange kitty (he’s actually not that little) named Sunkist and he gets into everything. But I love his personality. He’s so mischievous and such a trouble maker, but he’s also super sweet. I swear he is part kangaroo for how high he can jump.

Then there is Ace. I picked him up off the street over three and a half years ago. He was absolutely feral then, but now? He’s the sweetest, most gentle thing you will ever see.

Lastly is Oreo. We call him the ‘Magic Carpet’. He’s afraid of anything and everything. He’s afraid of air basically. But the reason we call him the magic carpet is that he has very long fur, and when he sees me or my mom, he runs at the speed of light and he looks like nothing more than a shaggy carpet that is magically skidding across the floor. It’s hilarious.

They are all cats, but they are all so different. I never would have thought animals had such distinct personalities, even if they are all within the same litter! The first three we got were in the same litter and they were all vastly different.

Despite how annoying cats can be, I love them. They make me happy, they make me laugh, and I feel so safe when they’re around. I’ve even had my life saved by one of my cats. To me, there is zero shame in being a crazy cat lady! Because with each cat I Add, I get nine more lives of happiness, fun, personality, and laughter.

And I wouldn’t have it any other way.