I think that love is a powerful thing. I mean, look at the way it has shaped history. Love and hate seem to go in an eternal dance with one another; it is impossible to have one without the other. And there are so many different types of love; the love between friends, between mother and daughter, between siblings, and between spouses. I recently have been talking to someone I love very much about how much I want to be with him – hopefully for the rest of our lives. I’ve known him a year, and I love him. But it seems that I can’t meet him halfway in the ways that I want to. We live on opposite sides of the world, and I wish that I could meet him halfway on that, but considering that I have a serious medical condition that only one hospital can treat, I can’t leave the country right now. I wish that I could, but I can’t. I don’t know how to meet him halfway.

It’s interesting how things play out though. I mentioned God in my last post, and I know that anything and everything is possible with Him. I’m grateful that He is in my life, and I know that He will make this possible between me and the man that I love. It’s just a matter of time, prayer, and sacrifice to make a relationship work. I have seen so many terrible relationships around me; I don’t ever want to end up that unhappy. For the longest time, I didn’t believe in love. I truly didn’t. Not until I met the man I currently wish to marry.

It’s scary though, to think about the possibilities. I trust him with all my heart, but I can’t help but go back to how my own father was to my mother. It is so hard for me not to see those things in my mind as I think of my own future, and heaven forbid that I scare him off with my constant worrying and exploding into tears because of the stress of my current life. I am a strong person, but a person can only remain that way for so long. At some point you have to crack and let those emotions out.

It’s not that I’m worrying that it won’t happen – because I know that it will! However, I can’t help but worry because of the nature of my Generalized Anxiety Disorder, combined with a whole lot of other crap. Most people are very hesitant to admit they have mental illnesses, but I have to tell almost everyone I meet. I’ve been in therapy since I was a child, and I’m now an adult. I know the grind. I know the whole process of everything one has to go through when admitted to the Emergency Room because it happens more than I would like it to. I just happen to be born with an extremely rare disorder that has caused my heart to form incorrectly in the womb and I am one of the sole survivors of this condition. Not only is it unheard of, but it’s mostly 100% fatal. However, I managed to push past that and I’m one of the oldest with my condition to be alive today. It’s called a Hypoplastic Right Heart; feel free to look it up and read about it online. Though that isn’t the only thing I’m diagnosed with, it is the most severe.

So it worries me about things like marriage, traveling, and more – even though I desire to travel the world! What would I do so that I could go to different countries because I have to take fifteen different medications? How could I manage to convince people that I’m not a drug lord of some sort? What would I do if I had a heart attack, knowing that any hospital there could never treat me because my condition is so rare and unheard of? What would I do if I were to get sick while I was there, and be unable to get home? There’s so many things to consider, it can be overwhelming, circling around and around in my head until I have a full-fledged panic attack. That doesn’t help one bit.

Also, considering that doctors told my mom I would survive a week at the very most and I am now in my twenties, there is room to consider the fact that if I don’t marry the man I love now, I might not be able to later. I might get too sick. There are many things that threaten my life everyday, and it’s a miracle in and of itself that I awake each morning. Considering that I have a hard enough time breathing during the day, it’s harder to breathe at night when I’m asleep. I have damage to my lungs as well.

So…what do I do? The only thing I see as an option: move forward in my relationships, making sure that I do what I want while I’m still young, before unknown things happen that I can’t predict as I get older. It’s hard and it’s scary, but it’s my life, and I wouldn’t change it. I wouldn’t know how to live any other way. So I have to consider the most painful of things that no twenty-something should have to consider: how would I prefer to die? Die in surgery, or in a heart attack while out alone? Would I prefer to live my life to the fullest, knowing that I’ll shorten it, or should I live carefully, knowing that I’ll live longer? However, I know the answers to some of these questions. I want to live life to the fullest, even if it means living a shorter life. That means traveling when I can, regardless of the worries (unless I cannot take my medication with me under any circumstances, and if I were financially unable), and doing what I love, regardless of knowing that it endangers me. Something as simple as going to the grocery store endangers me, because although I do not have direct issues with my immune system, a simple common cold sends me to the Intensive Care Unit, or ICU for short.

I want to meet him halfway, and I will. I just need to pray on how I can do that. Things might be tough, but like I said: I will never change the way things are for a more ‘ideal’ life. This was the life I was given, therefore this is the life that I was meant to live. And if I’ve lived this long, then what’s to say I won’t live another twenty years, and be perfectly fine during that time? There is no guessing, no surety, only faith. That is where I base every single thing about my decisions: within faith in God and my Savior, Jesus Christ.

So, it’s hard and scary, but I’m in love, willing to do what I need to in order to be happy. In the process, I want to publish my books that I’ve written or am currently writing before I die. However, I don’t have the money. I just don’t. And no other publisher will accept me, so I must publish them myself. Plus, I don’t like contracts. In fact, I hate them. And I don’t use that word often.

So, get married, publish some books, and manage to make the money to fund those books, all while jumping on and off of the transplant list for both a heart and a liver. Simple, right? Not at all. Scary? Maybe. Worth it? Absolutely.


Writing is a passion of mine and I would love to be able to make a living at it. It would be so wonderful to receive a donation, but please don't feel pressured to. However, if you do want to donate, you can do so here!




Sometimes it seems like a dream when you lose everything. Or, at least, that’s what I have felt within the past forty-eight hours. Having to walk away is tough, but walking away and never looking back? Perhaps the scariest decision of my life. But I’m grateful I made that decision. I’m grateful that I was smart enough to know I wasn’t cared for. Since I’ve walked away, I’ve had significant improvement in my life, even within just two days.

But not all of it can be happiness and improvement. Sometimes I have nightmares about everything – I have since I was a child. Very little, four or five years old when the nightmares began. Now in my early twenties, I’m sure they nightmares will never go away. But there’s a way you can go with nightmares: you can turn it into something good. And what do I turn my nightmares into?


I take my greatest nightmares, my deepest fears, and I turn them into stories that I will later write into novels. I have endless story ideas; endless nightmares to write. I’m also an artist and as I learn to paint (I’ve always been a colored pencil artist), I intend to paint my nightmares as well. Endless stories to write and endless paintings to paint. But that excites me rather than giving me the anxiety that I usually anticipate when I have a lot to do.

I always felt that it was extremely difficult to write, even though writing was and is as vital as breathing for me. Still, those stories that I tell where I turn the characters into aspects of myself and relive those twisted tricks of my own mind are incredibly hard to write. It’s hard to open up. I don’t know that I’ve ever done it. I don’t know that I will for a long time. It’s been a rough two years. But enough about that.

I know that I’m going to be an author. I fully intend to start my own publishing company, and I fully intend to publish my books myself. I intend to create the covers myself, and print them myself, and then make sure they’re on shelves. I’ve always been a bit of a business woman at heart, with unmatchable ambition. In any relationship I have, I have enough ambition for an army. It’s something that I like; an aspect about myself that I appreciate, which is rare.

But the point I’m trying to get to is this: I feel as though I’m a caterpillar, ready to transform. I’ve always worried and felt inferior to everyone else. I thought it was my fault, until I realized it wasn’t. It’s the fault of the people around me. Being around the wrong people and being put down all the time can be excruciating. But it’s at this moment that I ask myself when I began to fail noticing the mean and sly comments. When did I stop noticing and understanding that people didn’t like me? When did their care for me turn to malice, and when did I forget what it felt like to be cared about? I don’t know. But I do know this: through everything, the one thing that has never let me down  is writing and art, in all forms of the term. Art and writing – whether it be music or dance or writing a novel – has always been there for me. It has given me the ability to tell how I truly feel in a productive and beautiful way. I believe that pain can be a very beautiful thing, if turned into something worthwhile and easy to understand and relate to.

Things aren’t always black and white, and the people that you’ve known since birth turn on you. Perhaps that’s why I always had nightmares about being at the homes of my childhood friends, dying or getting hurt. Perhaps that’s why I always feared for myself when I was around them. Not physically but emotionally. Perhaps that’s what caused my depression to spiral downwards. And maybe that’s what lead me to write this post here, today.

I think that everything happens for a reason. I truly, truly believe that. And coincidence might as well be as fictional as Edward Cullen, in my mind. Thank goodness. (No offense to the Twi-hards out there).

But as I grow older and as days go by and realize that things aren’t simple and never black and white I begin to see things more clearly than I ever have before. It’s like the fog that I spoke of just a few days ago has began to disperse, and I’m finally understanding what put me in that fog in the first place. And as I realize this, I realize something else: writing is probably the one and only true friend I will ever really have.

I’m alright with that. I’m okay with the idea of only having writing for myself, because I’m tired of being destroyed. I knew from the beginning that gaining success in the field of entertainment would lead to a very lonely life, but I am naturally a loner. It’s in my blood. I’m the person that watches everything, observes, and then walks away without saying anything. I’d pass up any party or gathering in order to write, paint, sketch, read a book…or whatever. I will pass up the things that have brought me nothing but pain in order to reach the things that have always been my passion, and as I do so, I will understand more and more the value of being alone. I will treasure more and more the person that I am, my alone time, and the things that I hold dear to my heart. I’m probably one of the biggest Michael Jackson fans out there, so I definitely care about him and have a lot to say about how he was treated during his life. Though someday, I intend to make it to that point. Not the point of no return when it comes to destroyed friendships, but at the top of the entertainment industry. I did say that I have enough ambition to sustain an army!

Yes, I want to be there someday, but I’m not conceited enough to believe that I’m entitled to it. I know that I’m going to have to work for it. I’m going to have to work darn hard for it. But something as simple to me as striving for a goal and reaching that goal makes it easy in my mind, and I believe that as I strive for that goal, things will fall into place. I don’t believe in coincidence, though I am religious. I believe in God. And I know that He watches over me. There is no other way I could have lived through numerous open heart surgeries as a child.

But I digress.

In my life, I strive for one thing: to leave the imprint of myself on this world. However that happens – through humanitarian work, through the entertainment industry, or just through being a simple blogger, I fully intend to make sure that people know I’m here. And as they do, I will fulfill my second goal: making a difference in this world.

Sometimes striving for the impossible is exactly what you need to do in order to achieve the simplest things in life. And knowledge of that is what keeps me going every single day.


Writing is a passion of mine and I would love to be able to make a living at it. It would be so wonderful to receive a donation, but please don't feel pressured to. However, if you do want to donate, you can do so here!


Losing Friends

Losing friends is hard, even if it isn’t through death. I have found this to be all too true within the past few days. I have recently had to cut off friends that I never thought I would have to cut off. Friends that I’ve known a lifetime. But when toxic is toxic, there really is only one thing you can do. But sometimes I wonder: how does a person become toxic? How can anyone justify just being cruel to another person, or a living being in general? I don’t understand it. I never have, and I never will.

It’s hard to cut off friends, and I’m quite young to do so. But still, things need to be done to protect my own sanity. It makes me wonder what led up to this point, if I could’ve stopped it, or if it was my fault. But I have to remember one thing: the phone rings both ways. If a friend isn’t calling you, then they probably don’t care that much about talking to you. That’s what I’ve experienced. But recently, some of the kindest people I have known in my life have turned away, embraced something darker or just gone off the rails entirely. It’s understandable; this world is a very hard one to live in, especially with all of the war and injustice. But becoming toxic to those who have always supported you is still unacceptable.

I always thought that I’d have friends by my side, but now that I’ve cut off the ones that I have, I am truly alone. I don’t have anyone other than family now, which is alright. I’m a loner anyway. I’m fine with that. The thing that I truly mourn is the relationship, and knowing that they used to be best friends, and no we’re strangers. And I’m not talking about the girl in high school who alienates you for the clique of mean girls. I’m talking about the friend you’ve known forever who never calls you and barely talks to you when you are there until you finally realize that they don’t prioritize you in the way that you prioritize them. I should have guessed, but I suppose I wanted to remain optimistic. Regardless, I feel more free now. Less judged, and more able to do the things that I want.

I’ve always felt held back, but it wasn’t until today that I remembered from someone who is a real friend, what it truly feels like to be believed in. I’ve been bullied all of my life, which is typical, considering that I am disabled physically. Still, I had forgotten what it was like to be valued. I had forgotten what it was like to be loved. And I had forgotten that it was possible for people to care about me. Perhaps I had grown so accustomed to being nothing in the eyes of my ‘peers’ that I never realized how distorted it had become. My mother once told me that things don’t seem that disturbing until you’ve made it out of the situation. And that applies here.

it’s not something I ever anticipated, but I think that the decision to take toxicity out of my life is something I will thank myself for in the long run. It’s something that I will truly be grateful for. Something that I will look back and know that I made the right decision.

It’s never hard to cut off those we love, but sometimes it’s very necessary. And in some cases, it’s life-saving. That would be in the case of my extended family, but I’m not getting into that right now.

The world is an unfair place. I truly don’t understand how someone could be nothing to you, especially if they have given their all to be there for you. I truly don’t understand how cruelty can become a way of life, or how bullying can be justified. But neglect is apparent, and sometimes it can kill. This also goes for role models that we see in the news and the music industry/Hollywood. Someone I’ve looked up to for over a decade – a person who saved my life through their music – has turned and become a different person entirely. And now I turn the other way as well.

I’ve decided that the friends that don’t think I matter shouldn’t matter as much to me. As cruel as that sounds, I need to preserve myself. It’s scary and hard and seen as very selfish. But in the end, when you’re on an airplane and it starts to crash, you must put your own mask on before you put on anyone else’s. That’s the rule of thumb; in order to save others, you must first give yourself the attention and appreciation that you need in order to survive. Hatred can kill just as much as neglect, and I’ve recently discovered that if you don’t matter to someone, it can destroy you when that very thing is all that you ever wanted.

But things can be tough. Things can be so complicated that we are unable to understand them. Though at some point in our lives, we will understand why things ended up this way, and why we had to walk in a different direction. At least, I know that I will. I know that things will become more clear as I age, but for now, they are very clouded. Still, I am grateful for my decision.

I suppose the point of this post is this: don’t let others take advantage of you. If you are hurting and they won’t validate it, that is just as much bullying as it would be if they were to punch you in the face. It may not leave bruises on your body, but it can destroy your inner being. It can destroy everything you have from the inside out, and you deserve more than that. I deserve more than that. Every person in this world deserves more than that.

It’s a dog-eat-dog world. But it doesn’t have to be, if you let that person go. That’s what I’ve learned. Even though others will happily trample over you to get to the top, they won’t stay there long, for it is the ones that work for it that have the capacity and assets to anchor themselves at the top of that mountain, rather than the ones who raced up unprepared for their journey, only to look back down and realize what they’ve let go, and to understand how they treated everyone around them just as they are pushed off of that mountain. I feel for those people, but I can’t help them.

Sometimes all you can do is help yourself. And that’s what you deserve. You always have, and you always will.


Writing is a passion of mine and I would love to be able to make a living at it. It would be so wonderful to receive a donation, but please don't feel pressured to. However, if you do want to donate, you can do so here!



There is no shortage of dream-busters in this day and age. And by ‘dream-busters’, I’m referring to those people who tell you that you aren’t good enough for your dreams and aspirations. Everyone knows at least one of those people. In some instances, those people get across what they’re trying to say, and someone else doesn’t get their dream. This happened in the case of my mother. She wanted to be a surgeon, but my Grandpa discouraged her and said “women don’t make good doctors”, so she never pursued it. I can’t imagine how different my life would be had she pursued her passion, especially considering that I’ve had four open-heart surgeries.

But I’m straying from the topic.

I know that in my life, many people have tried to deter me from fighting for my dreams, telling me that I’m not good enough, that I can’t ever achieve something so ‘unrealistic’, or that I should go for something easier. Here’s the thing: I am a very stubborn person. I don’t easily take no for an answer (within reason), and I’m going to fight for what I want. And what is it that I want, exactly? Well, I want to be an entertainer, through and through. I want to be a writer, a singer, a dancer, an artist, a movie producer/director, an actress…and much more. The arts is something that inspires me so much and truly keeps me going, especially in my darkest moments.

Recently, I realized that the time I considered the darkest moment in my life might not be my darkest moment after all. I am in my early twenties, so it’s very possible that I will have something much worse come along. But instead of focusing on that negative, I want to focus on the present. I realized that I am no less lost in my life than I was in the day of what I considered ‘my darkest moments’. Those were the days when horrifying illnesses plagued my body and mental illnesses plagued my mind. Let’s just say I’ve been through a lot for my age, and it’s hard to see it all when you are a teenager, and finally understand it all after so many years.

But the point I’m trying to get at is that we never know where we are; at least, not exactly. We may think we’re out of the fog, but it turns out we have only just entered it. Thus, explaining why I am lost. But I’ve found joy in being lost – that is, since I’ve stopped fighting the idea of being lost in the first place. Sure, I’m lost in my life, meaning that I know what I want but I have no idea where I am in that journey or which direction to head in. I’m lost in that I sometimes don’t know who to follow and end up paving my own path. I’m lost in the way that sometimes paving my own path isn’t the right thing to do. But mostly, I feel as though I am engulfed in fog, unable to see inches in front of me. The sun is unable to shine through it, and I’m simply and frustratingly feeling around in front of me for something solid to hold onto. My depression and anxiety disorders don’t help this.

So, in my life, I’ve definitely had people tell me that I’m not good enough for my dreams. I’ve had people tell me that I actually need talent in order to make it into the world of entertainment. I’ve had people tell me that I need to learn certain things beforehand, such as how to ‘be good enough’. Then there are the people who are just unkind and tell me I’m not good enough no matter what I do. But I think there’s a lesson to be learned here: sometimes, when people try to deter us and break us down, they really are just pushing us forward.

I’m a Taurus zodiac sign, meaning that I’m the bull. This means that I am a very stubborn person and I live up to the bull’s name quite nicely. I tend to do things just to prove others wrong when they tell me I’m no good. I definitely did this as a child! I’ve been known to look someone in the eye while doing exactly what they tell me I cannot do (and thank goodness I haven’t gotten in deep trouble for it yet). So, when someone tells me that I’m never going to be good enough to make it into entertainment, of course it breaks me down at first – and sometimes their words still float around in my head – but there are those times where I just want to prove them wrong. I have a very competitive side to me, and I have to watch it so it doesn’t get out of control. But that’s beside the point.

There will always be people who try to deter me and destroy me. But maybe that’s why I was built as strong and immovable as I am. Maybe that’s why I’m the Taurus, so that I don’t back down. Looking at me, you definitely wouldn’t guess that I’m easy to anger and that I can be frightening when I do so.

As positive as I try to be, though, sometimes it all just gets to me. Sometimes I just want to lie down in my bed and cry until the storm passes. Sometimes I just want to walk away from someone in shame after them telling me all of the reasons I’m not good enough, because I’m quick to believe what I hear, especially about myself. There is definitely no shortage of doubt within me.

But in the end, I believe one thing: dream-busters will stay where they’re at while us dreamers will make it somewhere big. I love that Taylor Swift song, called ‘Mean’. The lyrics go like this:

Someday I’ll be livin’ in a big ol’ city, and all you’re ever gonna be is mean. Someday I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me, and you’ll you’re ever gonna be is mean. Why you gotta be so mean?

I’ve listened to that song more times than I can count. So, despite the people who tell me I’m no good, or the people who try to stop me, I believe that someday I will be living in that big ol’ city, and that someday I’ll be big enough so they can’t hit me. Taylor certainly has. So, why not me?



Writing is a passion of mine and I would love to be able to make a living at it. It would be so wonderful to receive a donation, but please don't feel pressured to. However, if you do want to donate, you can do so here!


Being a Writer

Why can’t anything be simple anymore? Even the ‘simplest’ things are complicated. It’s frustrating. Seriously.

It seems that everything comes with a price tag nowadays. Gone are the days when you could get something as simple as a glass of water without paying for it, given to you from the kindness of peoples’ hearts. Now, we want to charge for even the basic necessities. In a way, I can understand this. In another way, I think it’s crap.

I’ve been trying to make it as a writer for over ten years. I’ve been working on the same book for just as long. Now that I’m older, I’m seeing more and more of the ins and outs of the industry of writing, along with the cold, hard truth. However, it’s not impossible to make it as a writer – far from it! You just need the right tactic. I, however, am still figuring that out.

I’ve always been a bit on the naïve side, I will hesitantly admit. That is where this little story that follows comes in: I was applying for WordAds here on WordPress.com, and I only realized after I paid for a Premium membership that I need thousands of pageviews a month to be able to even qualify for WordAds. The lesson to take away here: always make sure you know what you’re doing, what you want, and what your plan is before purchasing something. That having been said, I don’t regret a thing. Well, other than asking my mom to help me pay for it, since I’m broke as heck. Yeah, that’s one thing I’ll be upset about for a while. I absolutely hate asking for money. I’m the type of person who wants to do everything for myself by myself.

Despite the fact that I consider myself a decent writer, I have no idea how this will turn out. I’m a very, very small fish in a very, very big ocean, trying to get noticed. That’s scary, and very intimidating. But I think that, in a way, it can be just as influential and motivating as it is terrifying. It will push me forward, out of my comfort zone, and force me to attack what is really at the forefront: my deep rooted fear and avoidance of the social aspects of life in addition to having to get things done and commit to something. Hey, at least I know I have issues!

I think it’s hard for writers to live in such a complicated world because we struggle so much with everyday life. At least, that’s what I believe. I believe that we are a collection of people, all trying to be one person while at the same time trying to separate, find our own ways and our own identities. Add that to being so very in tune with the details of this world and the result can be overwhelming. It’s hard when you’re wired to notice everything. While it makes you a better writer, it can be hard on the mental and emotional physique. I tend to notice just about everything (despite being naïve in nature), and that is the primary reason I don’t watch the news. Of course I’ll see the main story, but then I can’t help but see all of the little details and hear those little words that stick out in my mind. It can get hard when it roots itself in my head, only to swirl around and around driving me crazy at night. Maybe there’s more than one reason why I’m a night owl.

But at the core of all of these thoughts that intrude my head along with noticing all of those details is something that makes everything worth it: being able to capture that human emotion. That human pain, and the ability to perfectly describe with precision how things affect a person. I think that is something that needs to be at the core of every good writer: the ability to describe with excruciating detail how painful those small aspects are, no matter how irrelevant they may seem to the people around you. Being a writer is exhausting, but equally parts rewarding.

What do I love the most about being a writer? Being able to describe things in detail, immortalizing them within words on a page, never to be forgotten. The twinkling city lights from the hospital room when I sat in bed, sick as a child, enamored by all the colors against the dark night sky. All of the different shades of green on a leaf that blows in the wind, detaching itself from its home on the tree and starting its journey. The way a cat yawns and slowly closes its eyes, reassured that it is indeed safe around me after spending five years homeless and mistreated. It’s these things that keep me going as a writer. It’s these things that make noticing all of those painful details worth it in the long run. And it’s these things that can keep you going as a writer, too.

So, what do you love the most about being a writer?


Writing is a passion of mine and I would love to be able to make a living at it. It would be so wonderful to receive a donation, but please don't feel pressured to. However, if you do want to donate, you can do so here!


Stage Fright

Why is it so hard to get over stage fright? I am a streamer on Twitch.tv, and I play video games live. But I find that as outgoing as I am in other pursuits, I am terribly shy when it comes to being recorded by either microphone or camera (though I don’t have a camera yet). It seems that we’re so worried about what others think that we don’t even consider the idea that others probably and most likely don’t think about things as much as we do. They don’t think about us as much as we think about ourselves, and they certainly aren’t judging us like we judge ourselves. So, why do we get so frightened when being in front of people? It should be easy, right?

That’s what I keep telling myself. ‘It should be easy’. But I think that’s counter-productive; I’m scolding myself for being human. But I truly think the real reason for this is that we are own worst critics. We see every flaw within ourselves and no matter how many flaws we see in another person, we tend to see ourselves as someone who will never be good enough.

I remember growing up and in my teenage years, I would believe that others would hate me if they knew ‘who I truly was’, although I didn’t really even know what that meant. It was like I wanted to deliberately push others away and make them turn from me so that I wouldn’t have to face the pain of them doing it without warning. I have been betrayed a few times in my life by acquaintances, so that sticks with you and is often hard to get rid of. But perhaps it’s a mystery why we hold onto the painful things and let go of the good things. Or maybe it’s just me that does that. All I know is that it is a damn hard thing to get over stage fright.

Of course, I want to be a performer. I want to be an entertainer. I want to sing, write, act, etc. So, how could I possibly do that with stage fright? Maybe I just need to work through it and practice at getting better, just like one would with learning the piano or guitar. You are terrible and frustrated and embarrassed at first (or, at least I was), but then you get better, get little achievements, and start to feel good about your playing. Maybe the same thing stands for stage fright. Maybe it’s as simple as practicing and being more outgoing; following a set of ‘rules’ in your mind that you’ve written up just as you would follow the set of rules to learn music.

Though it’s hard for all of us, I think we overcomplicate it. I really do think that it’s as simple as following a list and developing a talent. I once read that we, as humans, are stronger than we could ever imagine. Physically. Our physical strength knows no limits, but we put limits on ourselves by believing that we have limits in the first place. Somehow, we jinx ourselves into believing that we don’t have enough, and by believing that, we end up not having enough. It’s the same for stage fright. We make things so much more complicated than they need to be, going through it in our minds of all the things that are so impossible for us to do. But it’s so easy to just get up and start…and so hard.

I read a quote by an author (whose name I don’t remember, seeing as I have short-term memory loss), and it went something like this:

“In order to write, all you need to do is sit down at the computer and write. It’s that easy…and that hard.”

I understand exactly what this author is saying. It should be easy – and often is – to get started. But sometimes our fear of what happens once we get started is what holds us back, in addition to being our own greatest critic. For me, that fear encompasses failure as well as success, because I don’t know that I’ve ever really been very successful at something. It’s the commitment factor for me as well. I hate commitment. But when it comes to relationships, I can commit. When it comes to deadlines I tend to hide under my bed until the world has forgotten about me.

But whether it be deadlines or commitment or failure or success, there is one thing we can’t avoid: the regret of not trying. I would rather feel the disappointment for trying and failing than the regret for never trying at all. So, as afraid I am of success, failure, and commitment, I will try and I will make it.

That’s all we can ever do.




My top two idols are Taylor Swift and Michael Jackson. I love their style, their grace; the way they hold their heads high and brace themselves for the world. I love how they interact, how they are kind, loving, generous, and loyal to their fans and family. I love how they are so similar, yet so different.

I’ve dreamt of being a singer since I was a little girl. Since before being a teenager, actually. I’ve worried about many things. Watching the hell that my two favorite idols have gone through has made me realize how risky an endeavor it is to make your way into show business. Michael Jackson was torn from the top, and they are currently trying to do that to Taylor. But why?

Here’s my theory:

Anybody can be jealous of success. It’s human nature to want things that you can’t or don’t have. At least, that’s what I believe. But I miss the days of my childhood where I believed that everyone would do things for the better; that they would be trustworthy and lovely. But that’s not so. The world is a dangerous, dark, and horrifying place. Though it doesn’t have to be, it is. I think the reason that Michael and Taylor are torn down is because they have reached the top – the highest of the high within their communities. Taylor has reached a place in her songwriting that no one else has met, and we all know how Michael Jackson ended up where he was. But the funny thing is that they are both incredible people (although Michael has passed, I still think of him as here, still with us).

I believe that the world fears incredible people. They fear the happiness, kindness, and light that these people can bring. Why? Because once you cast light on something, you will see its shadow. Once you revel in something that is wonderful, you will realize how hard it was before. Nobody likes to see the sins of their own people, and although we are all different races and we speak so many different languages in different nations, I consider us all one big family. The family of humanity.

Humanity itself can be cruel. No other living being to exist has purposely sought out to harm one another. Not one other creature has sought out to kill one another, simply out of spite or revenge. And as humans, we try to keep these dark things a secret. We hide them in the darkest, innermost corners of our minds. We put masks on. We lie. We smile when we don’t mean it. We fight each other and kill each other, all for the sake of ‘fighting for freedom’. So, how does this translate to show business?

When someone is at the top, it’s not simple to be happy for them. It’s hard, as human nature makes us jealous; it makes is spiteful, and it encourages us to fight against one another to put them down in order to feel higher than that other person. It’s the same as war, the same as bombing other countries. Why do we fight in wars, kill others, and commit these crimes? Because we want to prove that we are better. Because we see the other side as evil. Or perhaps it’s simply because we want to watch someone fall and be able to say that they are lesser than us. But within history, this has only lead to chaos. This has only lead to more genocide. It’s a simple formula, really. Success + jealousy = violence. It’s not enough to think in one’s mind that they are jealous or that they believe that one person doesn’t deserve what they have. It’s not enough to write it in a journal or even scream it from the rooftops. No, we have to take action. And that’s where the mistakes of humanity come in. That’s where we create those unchangeable parts of history that will forever be a blemish on our reputation.

I often ask myself why. Why do we do it? Why are we fascinated with death, violence, anger, and troubles? And if you think we aren’t fascinated with those things, then simply look to the nearest TV. What do most, if not all, of our TV shows and movies center round? These four concepts: death, violence, anger, trouble. We are fascinated by the fall of another while we are angered at our own falls. I’ve often heard it said that it’s a dog-eat-dog world out there. Meaning a dog will commit a crime against its own kind for the sake of gaining a level in the food chain.

This saddens me.

In the back of my mind, all I can imagine is a rainy, desolate city, torn to shreds by others that believe they are superior. But are they really superior? I am American, and I live in a developed country. Does that make me superior to those that aren’t American, and to those that don’t live in developed countries? No. But does it make me less than them? Of course not! I’d love it to be simple, but it’s not. And it never will be.

Our desire to tear others down to make them smaller than us so that we can feel bigger will certainly end in our demise. How did the most evil or even the most powerful people in history die, or end? They were killed, either by themselves, or by someone else.

We think that we want power, but what do we do once we obtain that power? Once we get that far, maybe we don’t know what to do. But in the end, power truly is the substitution or replacement for something else. And what would that other thing be?

The desire to be loved and understood.


Chaos is cold, and calculating. Abandoning its victims within chains of sorrow and ruin. A lot of us try to fight this, but it doesn’t need to be fought. What would we be without chaos? How would we know the good without the bad? How could we know the happiness without sorrow and disorder? Though it’s not that simple. Rarely is anything ever that simple.

What do I need to do to maintain order? What do we need to do to understand one another? It is so simple, yet so overdrawn with lines and solutions to problems that don’t exist when we try to get along with each other. It should be simple. We are all human beings. We all feel the same things, experience things in a similar way, and we can help each other understand why we fight. But first, in order to accept each other…

…we need to accept ourselves.

This Life Called ‘Freakshow’

Sometimes life isn’t as simple as just living it. Sometimes you have to do more than just that. Sometimes you have to wade through the water of your deepest fears, make your way through the storms of your greatest pain in order to end up where you want. Sometimes it’s not as simple as just being here, on this earth, and wanting what you want, and getting what you get. Sometimes you just need to handle things as they are.

That’s something I’ve discovered recently. I need to handle things as they are. I need to understand things as they are before I can have any hope of changing them; before I can ever make it to what I want to be, and who I want to be. It’s something that I think about a lot.

I call this life a Freakshow, because quite personally, that’s how I view it. It’s a Freakshow filled with monsters and circuses; things that go bump in the night. But I’m starting to sort through those things. But even if I sort through everything, put them all in their individual labels, and find a way to make them stay, it still won’t be anything other than a Freakshow. But do you know what the wonderful thing about a Freakshow is? You can be whatever you want. You can dress, act, and proceed like anything you want. You can be something in a fantasy, a fairy in a field full of flowers. Or, you could be something more sinister.

I find my Freakshow to consist of fears, doubts, and worries. But I’m sure everybody’s does. Of course, although we are all different, we also very similar. And though it may seem weird, but being similar is what sets us apart. It’s what helps us be the individuals that we are. We don’t notice things that are all the same. We do notice things with slight differences.

So, what does all of this mean? Well…I suppose I’m still figuring that out myself.