Happiness

Because I was born to fly I cannot deny these things within my eyes that I see in the night. I can’t deny these fights that I’ve fought and these treasures I’ve sought. I can’t deny these things that have angered me, nor can I deny these things that I have allowed to cause me anguish. Still, as the sun rises and the moon sets, I find myself without regrets because I have let it go. I have allowed the snow to come down and wash it all away.

I am now clean.

The sun gleams up in the sky like the brightest light in the universe, casting shadows on everything that tries to harm me and illuminating the greatest things that have ever come to be. Is it possible that everything is okay, or is it just me? Could it be?

I never thought things would be okay when I started this journey as tears fled my eyes at night. I denied their existence and I cursed their reign over me. I hated them with a passion and because of them and the people that I allowed to touch me heart while not having my best interest in their own, I suffered seven years of anger and hatred. Never will I again suffer such a miserable seven years in my life, because I have changed. I have been reborn. I have found myself to be worn but I refuse to give up and I refuse to give in. I find that seven years of happiness is much better than the things that I could have continued to hold onto in my anger. This happiness is better than any revenge I ever could have sought for those who broke my heart, mind and spirit.

This happiness precedes me, for it was always to be. I never knew though how it could effect me. I never knew the antidote that happiness was, along with the ability to let go of those things that haunted me in my dreams. I underestimated the hope that was to come when I finally let go of those lonely nights where I wished that I could cry out at the top of my lungs for someone to hear me and to help me.

Now, I help myself. Now, I am not helpless. I am a warrior, and I am filled with light and strength. I am filled with everything I never thought truly existed and in the way I never really believed in romance, I now know it to be true. These things that I’ve seen cannot be denied, and as I find them everywhere I had never bothered to look, I find a smile on my face. How long has it been there? I don’t care. At that matters is that it’s there.

Now as I walk into the sunset, the darkness doesn’t scare me. It doesn’t have hold over me, and it never will again. It will never hurt me again and that’s because I refuse to let it. You are only susceptible to darkness if you allow it to invade your soul, your mind, and worse – your hopes and fears.

I will be okay, because, now, my peace and happiness is here.

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The Swift Life

So, I’m a huge fan of Taylor Swift. Love me or hate me for it, but I’m a fan of her. I would even go so far as to call myself a super fan. But lately I’ve learned something: don’t trust anyone, not even the people who believe the same beliefs and loves as you. In the Taylor Swift fandom, we call ourselves Swifties. Well, recently Taylor released her own social media app and platform – as we all know – called The Swift Life. I, personally, have always kept my love of Taylor and her music to myself. However, I thought that with her own app filled entirely with her fans, it would be different. I thought people would be considerate, kind, and compassionate towards those of their own fandom.

Oh, how very wrong I was.

The Swift Life hasn’t been open globally for that long. I think it released just before Christmas. Even with that said, I have already deleted it from my iPod, deleted my account, and I have no intent of going back. Why? Because I don’t trust anyone, not even the people that share the very same or similar stories as me. Like I said, I thought people could be nice. But I happened to put an opinion out there…and I was slammed for it. I was pretty much put through the blender for my simple opinion. I was very hurt, because I couldn’t understand why people could be so mean, even if they shared the same views as me! It’s a cruel world out there, and I’m learning that more and more each day.

I have learned a lot from my days on social media. On Facebook, The Swift Life, Tumblr, YouTube, and Pinterest I have been bullied. Facebook was the most severe – and the most painful, considering that it came from people I know in real life. I learned at too young of an age to never trust anyone other than my immediate family members, and even trusting them was up for debate. It has been painful. But I don’t say this to sound like a victim, I’m simply sharing my experience.

Now, when someone comments on anything I post on the internet, my heart races and I panic. I immediately assume that I’m going to get hate. I immediately assume that whatever I’m going to read is going to feel like it has the power to tear me to shreds. But I’ve learned that if I don’t read those comments or messages that I will never know whether it was kind or not. Besides, I’m one of those people that has too much curiosity for my own good. I’m like a cat. I’ll probably be killed someday because of that natural curiosity I have.

But, back to the story.

Social media was invented to give us a way to do exactly that – be social through the media. We can now socialize through our phones, iPods, iPads, and even wristwatches more than we ever could before. But it has become a highly toxic place. This saddens me because when anyone tries to create something good in this world, it is promptly destroyed. That’s the cruel part of the world. I try with all of my heart to create and maintain good things to combat and rival the bad, but I’m often torn down for it by hate-filled, selfish people. That is something I may never understand. However, this is how I picture Internet haters: poised over their keyboard, desperately waiting for someone to make a post and then they unleash every foul word that they can think of on that person in order to tear that person down because they feel terrible about themselves to the point where they have picked the pathetic route of tearing others down in order to feel better. The thing is, though, you will never feel better by tearing another person down. I’ve recently watched an anime (I love anime) that I can’t name because it has a curse word in the title, but there is one phrase that graces every episode:

“Revenge is a double-edged sword.”

I couldn’t have said it better myself. Revenge is indeed a double-edged sword. Also, a two-headed snake. When  I went through a phase of teenage angst and anger, my mom told me one thing: stay as angry as you want for as long as you want, but remember, while you are chasing that snake to get revenge, its venom is inside of you, and you will be harmed just as much as the person or thing that you enact revenge upon. She told me the story of a group of children that were playing when a little girl was bitten by a venomous snake, and instead of taking her immediately to adults to tell them that she needed help, the other kids went to chase the snake down to kill it in order to teach it a lesson because they were angry. However, while they did, the snake’s venom spread in the little girl, and she ended up losing her leg, which was where the snake bit her. Had the other children gone straight to an adult and gotten the girl to a hospital, she wouldn’t have lost her leg. But instead, they wanted revenge. They were angry. They chased the snake, and because they did, they suffered the consequences of that double-edged sword.

I think that anger is a very natural and human emotion; as is the desire to help ourselves feel better when we have low self-esteem. It is simply instinct. But I pity these people. I truly do. I pity those that hate others and themselves to the point where they’re willing to go down an unforgiving path to pure hatred out of which they will never return. I have no sympathy for those who choose the path of hatred.

So, in my journey of trying to connect with the rest of the fandom of the woman that saved my life and convinced that living was indeed worth it, I discovered that everything sacred will be destroyed if exposed. So, here, I lay these words onto this blog post, where they will stay. And I have walked away from that fandom. Does that mean that I no longer love Taylor? No. Does that mean that I intend to enact revenge upon these people? No. I intend to meet Taylor when I break into the music industry, and I would love to be friends with her. It might sound a little silly and cliché, but I want to ask her if we could be best friends in real life. That would be something that would bring a lot of my biggest dreams to reality.

Because, in the end of things, the sad reality is this: Taylor, even though having no idea I exist, has treated me better than people I have known my entire life. And that is a downright shame. One that should never have to be realized.