Wow Pt 2

I am so stressed right now. I’ve never been on the phone with customer service for a full hour. Needless to say it was nerve-wracking.

I don’t want to mention the hosting platform I chose as I believe that they are very competent and that this experience of mine was only a fluke. I think God was telling me that it’s not time for a website yet. Perhaps I’m not ready.

But I’m grateful for this experience because in a way it shows me that I can just move forward with having fun writing. As much as I’m frustrated and I would like to have a website, I don’t have the money, nor the energy to do that right now. Right now I just need to sleep. It’s hard doing things for the first time. I’m very tired and have a massive headache.

But I’m grateful to still have this blog.

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Perhaps I’ll Just Be Me

Right now I struggle. Right now I struggle with these words. I struggle with saying them the right way and trying to detail them the way that I want to. I struggle with the idea that someone might not care, that the people I love could care less. I struggle here in the middle of the night, because I feel like less. I struggle here before I could stop myself, because as much as other people tell me to suck it up or to tell me to ‘just be happy’, but depression makes me force a smile each time I try to be.

My anxiety finds its way into my heart, and as I write this I don’t know what part of me could possibly handle it completely. I bear my heart out in this post, because I don’t always know what to do. Others around me say that I seem collected, calm and cool. But they don’t know that I’m breaking inside, eternally because of the way I view myself and this world. The way that I interact with the people around me. The way that I try to love myself the way I am but end up trying to change certain things without realizing it.

I find myself eager to gain new things, but can I gain new things if I already struggle with the old? Sometimes I wonder if I could be that bold. Others have told me I’m one of the most bold people they know, but sometimes I dismiss their words and simply sit in my room writing words like this, contemplating my existence.

It’s not easy growing up fighting for your life. Add that to time with friends and school life and it can be impossible to survive. But I’ve made it somehow and still now I find myself suffering and struggling, but somehow I’ll find my way out. At least, that’s what my mom always told me. My mom, who is my best advocate, especially in my worst times. She has always been there no matter what.

And somehow as I worried these words would flow, they flowed easier than I could have known. To bear my heart is to be bold, so why not just do what I know?

The things I know are simple as the rain, and simple as a flower moving towards the sun. But they’re also complicated in that I don’t know which way to turn. As a twenty-something trying to find my place within this world. I discover that I am not the only one that struggles with this. Maybe it’s hard for everyone to be twenty-something. Maybe we just lose it, and when we think we’re finally put together, we lose it again in our thirties. Or maybe the thought that we get it together in the first place has always been false.

In these thoughts that invade my mind, there is something I wish to find. Peace of mind. Peace of heart. Peace within the things that I find to be the greatest things in my life. The things that somehow conflict with me, and I don’t know who I’m supposed to be.

But perhaps I’ll just be me.

Don’t Open Pandora’s Box On a Sunday Afternoon

Can I just say that it’s never a good idea to open Pandora’s Box on a Sunday afternoon? And by ‘opening Pandora’s Box’, I mean opening that little box in your mind that contains all of the things that cause pain, all of the things you’ve filed away that you no longer look at, and the most painful things that you choose never to look at again. Yeah, that’s what I opened yesterday afternoon. And it caused not one, but two panic attacks.

I’ve struggled all of my life with various anxiety diagnoses, but recently they have lumped all of the individual diagnoses into one large diagnosis that simply states ‘anxiety’. So, because of my ‘anxiety’ (made up of several smaller diagnoses), I tend to have many panic attacks, although I haven’t had one for a very long time. I used to have them everyday, but I thought I’d gotten a handle on them…until yesterday.

Like I said: never a good idea to open Pandora’s Box. At least, that’s what I call it. It’s just one of those things that I don’t usually talk about. In fact, my anxiety issues embarrass me quite a lot. Nobody around me quite understands my anxiety. So, I tend to hide it. But one of the more prevalent issues is social anxiety. That’s usually why I just like to stay here in my bat cave and work on stories and write in the dark in the middle of the night here on my desktop.

But I digress…once again.

I’ve never really felt comfortable sharing personal issues, mainly because I’m usually called an ‘attention-seeker’ by those around me, and also because I just don’t like to burden people with them.

What about you? Have you ever opened your own Pandora’s Box and not been able to close it? Or do you even struggle with having an internal Pandora’s Box?

Let me know in the comments below.