Core

Some things are complicated while others take no time to understand. I would like to monetize this blog sometime, and hopefully soon. But I wonder if anyone would come. I’ve found that the greatest asset I have on my hands is my honesty/transparency. I am very easy to read by those who know me, and I’m not always fond of this. But I’m a Taurus, I’m the bull by nature. Sometimes when others read me like an open book, they really are only reading that top layer. I have many layers to my being, state, soul, and personality. Yet people think they know me so well. This makes me smile.

So, I write here, trying my best to be honest and transparent all while it’s incredibly difficult to let anybody see past that top layer. I see it almost as the sedimentary rock in the earth. The sign of the Bull is an earth sign, strong and steady. I find myself fitting the Taurus personality beyond what I ever thought was possible. People rely on me. They tell me I am steady and immovable. But it seems that they miss the core.

I don’t blame them. I hide my core like the most precious metal there ever was. To be honest, I don’t think anyone in my life has ever seen that core. I often find myself wondering if it’s possible to see the core of a person, even within close and intimate relationships. It is it really possible to see everything a person is if they open up to you? Or is there still a small part of them that remains invisible to the eyes of anyone but them?

I don’t know. What I do know is that I love to ponder these things everyday. It’s these things that lead me to write fictional stories, exploring humanity and who we really are.

I fully intend to be an author someday soon; a published author. I have countless papers littering my room filled with story ideas and the same fills the Scrivener files of my desktop computer. I love to explore humanity and its darkness, along with its light.

I suppose there is always going to be more to discover in this world. Never will we reach the end of knowledge.

As someone who loves to learn, that makes me very happy.

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Starting Somewhere

You know, to be honest, I really don’t know what to write today. I have never been one who is short of words, so this is strange to me. It’s almost like I just don’t have anything to say, which is very odd. I’m usually the person who never stops talking, and is constantly thinking. So, maybe I’ll just write about my day.

I’ve been very tired all day, and I fell asleep for a few hours with a cat next to me (I have two). I love to livestream video games on Twitch.tv and I did that today. Wow, I had a boring day. But I think that sometimes we need these days to rejuvenate, to get our energies back and to replenish our reserves so we can keep going. I know that, for me, it can be very hard to keep going. I have such a severe heart condition, it can make it very difficult to want to get out of bed in the morning because I never feel good. That paired with my depression is really not a good combination.

I suppose that with this blog, I’m hoping to make some money on it. I’m twenty-three and still living with my mom. Not that it’s a bad thing, but I’d love independence and being able to live on my own. Finally I’m healthy enough that I can do it, but I need to be able to manage a somewhat stable income so that I can afford an apartment or even a home. I’ve got my eyes on one home, but that’s two states away. So, perhaps I’ll just stay where I am for right now.

With this blog, I’m not really sure what I want to do with it. I simply have this vague vision in my head of someday having a lot of people reading my words, and me doing book signings at bookstores if I ever become an author. It’s something that I’ve dreamt about for so long, it’s almost impossible to imagine my life without it. Even though it’s only been a few weeks since I turned twenty-three, I still am investigating whether I want to be an author and whether I want to do writing as a profession. I’m still sticking to my two-year mark, and I’m not going to make a decision until I turn twenty-five, but I’m pretty sure I already know what that decision will be. But then again, a lot changes after two years. People change, the world changes, perspectives and desires change. It’s something that nobody can predict with even the slightest degree of accuracy. Perhaps that’s why I tend to be so afraid of the future.

I’ve always been afraid to put my words out there, along with my thoughts. But I’ve recently learned that you obviously can’t please anyone, but I’ve also learned that the only person I should be looking to please is myself. I should be the one that’s happy. Considering that I almost died trying to do things for others and seeing myself as someone unworthy of being taken care of, I know now how important health and self-love is. Of course, I’ve never had a good self-esteem. But it’s getting better, and I’m realizing in my life the things I want to do and the things I don’t want to do. I don’t want to be one of those people that always looks at themselves and makes degrading comments. I’ve always been that person, but that doesn’t mean that I have to continue to be.

So, I suppose that as I’m becoming the person I want to be I will stop fearing or at least minimize the fear of putting my thoughts out there, and my words. We all have to start somewhere, right?