So Tired of This

I suppose this is just going to be a dump post. Something I just dump here and leave here.

I feel like I’ve been through the wringer lately. I was taken to the hospital via ambulance a week ago and now I’m finally better. Physically…but not mentally.

I just need to say it…I am so tired of being told that to be successful in a certain field that I absolutely have to do ‘xyz’, or I have no chance at being successful. It’s really hard for me to constantly hear that I’m too ambitious or that I want to do too many things. I’m tired of being told things are impossible for me or that I will never make it to where I want to be.

I’m rebellious by nature. Naturally, I’m going to do the opposite of what I’m told, just for the sake of it. That’s just who I am. But lately it’s been less irritating and more hurtful. I know I’m putting fat too much stock into what strangers on the Internet say, but it’s extremely difficult for me not to believe everything I hear. I believe everything I hear by default.

Today I cried about it, and I never cry. Not because I try not to but because I’m just not a cryer. But today, maybe I’m just sick of it all.

I don’t understand the world, and sometimes it’s all too much. I need to crawl back into my cave and let myself relax instead of worrying what the president is doing or the rioters or potential world wars that are all just too frequently seen everywhere I go that I think might be safe. I write a blog, but I don’t read many. It’s not that I can’t be bothered, it’s just that current events and politics and news genuinely scare me. They terrify me. I’m 23 and it’s almost sad if I see the world crumbling around me.

But I digress.

I’m so tired of being told to do things a certain way or I’ll ‘never make it’ to where I want to be. I want to be an entertainer, an author, a dancer, singer and songwriter. I also want to be a blogger, a YouTuber and Twitch streamer. With every one of these, we are all told the supposed ‘trade secrets of success’. To be an entertainer you need talent; to be a singer you need a good voice, to an author you need millions of readers to even hope of getting published. To be a dancer, you need to start before you’re an adult or you’re just screwed.

But what if I don’t want to do it the way I’m told to? What if I want to start dance at 23 and publish my own work in my own publishing company and just sing with my own voice and entertain with what I have? Do these things mean I’m just not allowed to have my dreams?

I’m well aware of doing it my own way and potentially being successful, and that’s what I fully intend to do. I just do not understand the world’s fascination with this formula that some have that others don’t and how apparently only those with the formula can succeed. Though, I’m absolutely positive that 95% of this formula is media crap that they want to sell as a ‘proven way’ to get where you want to go. Then they get millions and you get frustration. In short: scam.

Well, that’s all I have to say. Thanks for reading…if you did. 😉

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Core

Some things are complicated while others take no time to understand. I would like to monetize this blog sometime, and hopefully soon. But I wonder if anyone would come. I’ve found that the greatest asset I have on my hands is my honesty/transparency. I am very easy to read by those who know me, and I’m not always fond of this. But I’m a Taurus, I’m the bull by nature. Sometimes when others read me like an open book, they really are only reading that top layer. I have many layers to my being, state, soul, and personality. Yet people think they know me so well. This makes me smile.

So, I write here, trying my best to be honest and transparent all while it’s incredibly difficult to let anybody see past that top layer. I see it almost as the sedimentary rock in the earth. The sign of the Bull is an earth sign, strong and steady. I find myself fitting the Taurus personality beyond what I ever thought was possible. People rely on me. They tell me I am steady and immovable. But it seems that they miss the core.

I don’t blame them. I hide my core like the most precious metal there ever was. To be honest, I don’t think anyone in my life has ever seen that core. I often find myself wondering if it’s possible to see the core of a person, even within close and intimate relationships. It is it really possible to see everything a person is if they open up to you? Or is there still a small part of them that remains invisible to the eyes of anyone but them?

I don’t know. What I do know is that I love to ponder these things everyday. It’s these things that lead me to write fictional stories, exploring humanity and who we really are.

I fully intend to be an author someday soon; a published author. I have countless papers littering my room filled with story ideas and the same fills the Scrivener files of my desktop computer. I love to explore humanity and its darkness, along with its light.

I suppose there is always going to be more to discover in this world. Never will we reach the end of knowledge.

As someone who loves to learn, that makes me very happy.

Hard To Understand

I’m a writer. Obviously. I love to write. But sometimes when I write – like I’m writing poetry or song lyrics – the first sentence that comes to my mind more often than not is this: I don’t understand. Maybe it’s because of writer’s block, or maybe it’s because I genuinely don’t understand this world most of the time. I do not understand the human desire to hurt one another. In fact, I don’t understand cruelty at all. It’s a foreign concept.

Another thing I don’t understand is the way some people live. I’m a very straightforward and practical person; if I don’t have money to buy something then I don’t need that thing. Yet people around me buy the latest technology and then complain about being ‘poor’. It’s something that irritates me because I have seen the ugly side of poverty right now. Right now, my family and I don’t have a car, and even if we did, we can’t drive because my mom is too sick and I don’t have a license or the money to even consider one. All of the toilets in our house don’t work properly and I’ve gotten accustomed to the way our ancient washing machine sounds like an airplane taking off when we do laundry…but I’m happy. I’m happy writing songs and poems and this blog and crocheting blankets and other things for charity. I’m happy with my two cats who give me all the love in the world. I don’t have an iPhone. I never have. I can’t imagine using internet outside of my house!

Despite not being able to understand it, though, I love the world. I feel rich in love and happiness, even though I’m not rich in money or health. I don’t have a lot of family, but I love the ones I do have.

I suppose it’s a complicated world. Maybe that’s why I avoid it. I’d much rather just stay in my room, keep to myself and crochet things for those in need. That way, I know that I’m helping someone else, and even though it’s not much, it’s something I can do, and I’m grateful for that.

Chaos

Chaos is cold, and calculating. Abandoning its victims within chains of sorrow and ruin. A lot of us try to fight this, but it doesn’t need to be fought. What would we be without chaos? How would we know the good without the bad? How could we know the happiness without sorrow and disorder? Though it’s not that simple. Rarely is anything ever that simple.

What do I need to do to maintain order? What do we need to do to understand one another? It is so simple, yet so overdrawn with lines and solutions to problems that don’t exist when we try to get along with each other. It should be simple. We are all human beings. We all feel the same things, experience things in a similar way, and we can help each other understand why we fight. But first, in order to accept each other…

…we need to accept ourselves.

This Life Called ‘Freakshow’

Sometimes life isn’t as simple as just living it. Sometimes you have to do more than just that. Sometimes you have to wade through the water of your deepest fears, make your way through the storms of your greatest pain in order to end up where you want. Sometimes it’s not as simple as just being here, on this earth, and wanting what you want, and getting what you get. Sometimes you just need to handle things as they are.

That’s something I’ve discovered recently. I need to handle things as they are. I need to understand things as they are before I can have any hope of changing them; before I can ever make it to what I want to be, and who I want to be. It’s something that I think about a lot.

I call this life a Freakshow, because quite personally, that’s how I view it. It’s a Freakshow filled with monsters and circuses; things that go bump in the night. But I’m starting to sort through those things. But even if I sort through everything, put them all in their individual labels, and find a way to make them stay, it still won’t be anything other than a Freakshow. But do you know what the wonderful thing about a Freakshow is? You can be whatever you want. You can dress, act, and proceed like anything you want. You can be something in a fantasy, a fairy in a field full of flowers. Or, you could be something more sinister.

I find my Freakshow to consist of fears, doubts, and worries. But I’m sure everybody’s does. Of course, although we are all different, we also very similar. And though it may seem weird, but being similar is what sets us apart. It’s what helps us be the individuals that we are. We don’t notice things that are all the same. We do notice things with slight differences.

So, what does all of this mean? Well…I suppose I’m still figuring that out myself.