Trust

Trust is stained on my lips, my hands, my heart. I can’t help but allow it to depart. Now in these single days and hours that feel so long, perhaps there will be a time when trust won’t feel so wrong.

In everything I’m meant to be, writing will be solace for me. Something comfortable and clean. It won’t ever be mean.

In the absence of cruelty and the essence of confusion, I don’t understand this particular intrusion. My fingers on my pulse and my hair up in a bun, maybe this day I’ve won.

My heart beats steady, just like it should. Beating to the rhythm of the melody within my own head, perhaps it could. And in these darkening nights and haunting curtains, perhaps to be comfortable, I would.

In this silence that encompasses reality, there’s just something that can’t touch this simplicity. It should be complicated, but caught within I know I was wrong. Indeed; I did write this song. And now in every direction I turn, for you it is that I yearn.

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Solid Ground

In lands far away, I see these lonely days stretch into months, years, infinity. There’s nothing I can do right now other than love myself. There’s nothing I can do but trust that it will get better.

And it will.

Trust is not something that comes easy to me, but something that fails to be. I find myself cynical of everything, questioning every word that every person says. I wonder if it’s the truth or if I’m being lied to; it’s something I’ve taught myself to do.

I’m not entirely sure how I feel about it yet. But it will come soon, I bet. The way that I’ll understand my true feelings about this world and its danger, and to let go of my anger. To be the adult I want and need to be, but to also take care of me.

So many things swirling around, it’s hard to find solid ground. It’s almost like I’m bound, destined to respond to these sounds.

Bold text and even more bold actions, I would love to be someone worth knowing with my fractions of everything that makes me who I am; a patchwork quilt of everything that makes up the organism that is ‘me’.

In these little lies, I search to find the truth among their lives. It seems tedious but wise, and I won’t ever fail to realize. These days are hard, but things will get better. That’s what tomorrows are for.

And as I’ve written these words on this blog the past few weeks, I’ve found myself happier and more at peace than I’ve ever been, thanks to the safety I feel within now to express myself in the ways that I need to; all in order to speak the truth to you.

Difference

As I cherish these things that I have, I feel for others who don’t. I wish there was a way that I could give to them, but I can’t. Because of these circumstances I found myself bound by happenstance.

I don’t want this blog to be entirely dedicated to me, I want to speak of others as well. I wish to be a humanitarian in every sense, because of the way these people fell. And because of the ache in my heart I feel when I see these things, their truths I will tell.

I know this may seem random, but I have thought of this for years. Though I stopped myself because of my own fear. The fear of being judged, but now that disappears. Because these people cry real tears.

Hopefully charity in the making, I certainly am not faking the sorrow I feel when I see another soul suffer. It’s something I wish to never see upon another.

So as I speak these things on my mind and rhyme these rhymes, I will hopefully come to the time where with these words, I can make a difference. Truly.

Change

In desolate places and derelict spaces, I see the faces of the future. Those that deserve to have their voices heard.

As I look around myself I find it hard to find what I should see: the reality of those around me. Yet I cannot, because it is covered up; something I will never truly understand.

Aches and pains and trickling rain. Although I ache for the future, I also ache for the sameness that comes about upon every nook and cranny of every alley. People of the world deserve to have their voices heard, not dismissed as they have been.

Magazines draw me in and despite my knowledge of lies in the media, I choose what I believe. I believe in the day when we can sit side by side and stay together as one. That we could have fun.

Reading these issues of the world, I wish I could help, but I find myself helpless in a situation where I have not experienced what others have. I don’t understand the discrimination, and perhaps I never can. It’s not within my hands.

Still, even as a girl with porcelain skin and green eyes, I will devise what plans I can to help those who need it. It’s not as simple as speaking about it; I want to do something.

But still I find myself within this room, attached to my sickness, attached to my lack of knowledge of the outside world.

Maybe someday, though, I’ll find a way to change the world.

Face

Wintry winds fill me with their icy breath. I often don’t know what I need, nor do I understand what I want. But I trust that it will all work itself out.

Stretching these muscles within my brain, I’ll shift my focus into another lane. For what have I to gain if I cry for things in vain?

No, sometimes I don’t know, but it’s worth a try. It’s worth the effort to take the dive. To step forward towards these things that alight my mind. They won’t always be this kind.

Crafting each word with care, I inhale cold air. As summer leaves and autumn begins, I find my patience wearing thin. But I won’t give up because I know what I’m made of. Small victories and deeper roots, this will always be my truth. Seeing to another day and another night, I count the days down till that flight. The time where I can spread my wings, with all of the peace and tears of happiness it brings. I have endured things I never thought I would, and I’ve done things I never thought could, but under this gentle hood, I will strive for what is good.

In these tears that fall from my face, I’ll find my own place. Within all these pains and fallen grace, I shall face them all with integrity and grace.

My Start With Writing

I worry often that my writing is not good enough. I know I’ve said this before, but I have a bad habit of repeating, something I wish I could get rid of. But it has been proven to me with this blog that my writing is good and can be powerful. It was an acquaintance of mine who got me writing – and then convinced me that everything I wrote was less than worthy of her time. It was trash compared to what they wrote.

I met this person at twelve years old and I knew them for years. Even though they got me into writing, they also convinced me that everything I did wasn’t good enough. Eventually, I saw how toxic this person was, but not before they shamelessly pushed me to the point of being suicidal. Since then, I have been in near-constant therapy and my wonderful mother went and spoke to this individual, telling them that they were no longer welcome in our home and that they were to never speak to me again.

I don’t entirely know why I felt pressed to tell this story, but I did. Lastly, I just want to say that you don’t have to listen to anyone who is cruel to you, because I’ve recently learned that a person’s cruelty is a reflection of themselves, not you, or what they might say about you.

Even when I speak of this person, I avoid using their name because as terrible as it seems, to me they don’t deserve to be referred to by their name. They nearly destroyed me, but I thankfully came out on the other side.

I will never understand cruelty. The motivation behind it, the way others think it’s right to act that way. I will never understand it, sans I hope that upon reading this that you can possibly shut a toxic person out of your life as well.

Tomorrows

Holy love. To cherish it is to bring these words nigh. To understand it is to know these things from high above the tree tops, into the heavens above.

For you are not who you believe to be. You are so much more. Filled with a value you have never seen before. Bring with you this hollow shore, for it shall surely bring you more than ever before.

Loving you is something simple, something true. Something only your real friends are will to do. In the evenings of doubt and the nights of sadness, remember that if you were to give up it only cause madness.

For I often ask myself why. Why did this person die? Even if not in the flesh, but within the mind. Something that isn’t easily understood among our kind.

So reach out your hand and allow yourself to see. These things that I say shall surely be. In these doubts and sorrows, there will always be another tomorrow.

As my mother always told me before, “that’s what tomorrows are for”.

Wow Pt 2

I am so stressed right now. I’ve never been on the phone with customer service for a full hour. Needless to say it was nerve-wracking.

I don’t want to mention the hosting platform I chose as I believe that they are very competent and that this experience of mine was only a fluke. I think God was telling me that it’s not time for a website yet. Perhaps I’m not ready.

But I’m grateful for this experience because in a way it shows me that I can just move forward with having fun writing. As much as I’m frustrated and I would like to have a website, I don’t have the money, nor the energy to do that right now. Right now I just need to sleep. It’s hard doing things for the first time. I’m very tired and have a massive headache.

But I’m grateful to still have this blog.

Wow

Hi, I just wanted to say that if you couldn’t get to my previous posts, it’s because I tried to connect my blog to a hosting platform to turn it into a website. One hour on customer service later, I am now a giant bundle of nerves. I have severe phone anxiety. But now my posts will resume as usual. Thank you.

Feeling Better

Feeling so much better than I have a long time. Slept literally all day and I’m feeling great. Also, I’m trying to eliminate stressors. I don’t want to go into details but my biggest stressor was gone for a day, hence the day of sleep.

I’m on my way to not having that stress anymore, and I’m hoping my health will significantly improve as a result.

It’s been a little hard to write lately just because I’ve been so worn out, but this has rejuvenated me.

I’m so grateful!