Stress is something that is very dangerous, yet we all have it. It is something ingrained so deeply into our humanity that it is part of our very being.

I’ve been feeling immense stress lately, and considering that I have a lot of medical issues, that’s not good.

I try to reduce the stress, but only make it greater. Perhaps stress is one of those things that you need to somewhat ignore in order for it to get better. Not ignore or deny it’s existence, but to ignore the worries that come with it, calming you down and helping you realize that everything your stress is telling you is just not real. Not only is not real, but it oftentimes doesn’t even exist. I find this to be the case many times in my life.

Someone I love, greatly expect, and admire told me something today: there is no such thing as running out of miracles.

I’ve seen that miracles come in abundance, regardless of how many we have had in the past. This is definitely something to keep in mind…

…especially when it feels like the whole world is against us.

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Control

Why do we dominate and allow ourselves to be dominated? By the media, by magazines, by social media? They all tell us how we should look, how we should act, what we should eat, and even what we should weigh. This type of mind control through social settings is toxic.

However, a world without social media would be just as toxic. We humans will always find a way to hurt and control one another, though cruelty is something I will never understand.

In the midst of our busy world, ask yourself: am I in control, or am I in the control of something else.

The answer just might change your life forever.

Acceptance

Accepting things can be difficult, if not impossible. Especially when these things you need to accept are some of your greatest fears.

I have always had a slew of fears regarding my physical health, because I was born with three major organs being chronically ill. I’ve been very sick my entire life, but now at 23 years old, the reality sets in. It’s not just my organs that are in danger, but other parts of my body as well that are considered disposable.

I discovered a long time ago that when the body is fighting to provide for a failing organ – let alone three failing organs – that it will give up on what is considered ‘superficial’, such as teeth and finger and toe nails. But there are other things the body will also give up – the senses of sight and hearing.

As I am already aware that my sight has been on a steep decline, it has always been a paralyzing fear of mine to be blind. How would I write? Sketch? See my loved ones? Now it’s a reality that I need to come to terms with – something I had always thought I could avoid. The same can and probably will happen for my hearing. To be deaf is scary enough, but to be deaf and blind at the same time is terrifying. I’m only 23 years old, and I have my entire life ahead of me. Still though, I don’t consider it over.

I don’t see acceptance as weakness; I see it as noble. To accept your deepest fears, allow them to happen and then to keep moving forward is something I am fortunately pretty good at.

It’s not easy to accept these things, and there is certainly no shortage of tears. But if I do end up losing these portions of myself, I know I will gain others in the long run.

And who knows? Maybe they will end up healing. Or…maybe even with these challenges I can be the one in a million that makes it work. A blind painter. A deaf singer. A dancer who has always struggled to move. It has happened before, so who is to say it won’t happen again?

Bullies

I have experienced a lot in my life and have definitely learned a lot within the last year. I’ve learned a lot about love, about how to love and about what to do when situations go awry. I am only twenty-three years old, but I’d like to think I’ve got some of this figured out.

I remember making a big fuss here on this blog almost a year ago about how I was bullied on The Swift Life, or TSL for short. But now as I look back, I see how I should have handled the situation. Though of course, at the time I was young and could not have understood what I do now.

People have told me that bullies are nothing but cowards, and that cyber-bullies are nothing but cowards hiding behind a computer screen. I have never really believed that. It has taken me a while to articulate, but here is what I believe:

Have you ever said something in your life that you regret? Have you ever lashed out in hurt? Most likely. We all have. Does that make you a bully? No.

I don’t believe that bullies are cowards sitting behind computer screens, or the jock in the high school locker room. I believe that bullies are living, breathing human beings who are truly suffering just as much as we are, and though we may not see it through damaged pride and hurt feelings, as well as shame, everyone is only human. Some of us turn our pain inwards while some of us lash out. We all feel the exact same things, more or less. The rest is attributed to ignorance or lack of education.

I’ve never believed that bullies are terrible people, because we have all been something of a bully at some point in our lifetime. I think – or rather, know – that if we make an effort to react with love and understanding, not only will it confuse the bully…but it might just show them their worth.

Everyone is human, and everyone shows pain in different ways. Does that mean we should ostracize them? No. We should educate them in a simple and sufficient manner.

If we do so, this world might just be a better place yet.

Trust

Trust is stained on my lips, my hands, my heart. I can’t help but allow it to depart. Now in these single days and hours that feel so long, perhaps there will be a time when trust won’t feel so wrong.

In everything I’m meant to be, writing will be solace for me. Something comfortable and clean. It won’t ever be mean.

In the absence of cruelty and the essence of confusion, I don’t understand this particular intrusion. My fingers on my pulse and my hair up in a bun, maybe this day I’ve won.

My heart beats steady, just like it should. Beating to the rhythm of the melody within my own head, perhaps it could. And in these darkening nights and haunting curtains, perhaps to be comfortable, I would.

In this silence that encompasses reality, there’s just something that can’t touch this simplicity. It should be complicated, but caught within I know I was wrong. Indeed; I did write this song. And now in every direction I turn, for you it is that I yearn.

Solid Ground

In lands far away, I see these lonely days stretch into months, years, infinity. There’s nothing I can do right now other than love myself. There’s nothing I can do but trust that it will get better.

And it will.

Trust is not something that comes easy to me, but something that fails to be. I find myself cynical of everything, questioning every word that every person says. I wonder if it’s the truth or if I’m being lied to; it’s something I’ve taught myself to do.

I’m not entirely sure how I feel about it yet. But it will come soon, I bet. The way that I’ll understand my true feelings about this world and its danger, and to let go of my anger. To be the adult I want and need to be, but to also take care of me.

So many things swirling around, it’s hard to find solid ground. It’s almost like I’m bound, destined to respond to these sounds.

Bold text and even more bold actions, I would love to be someone worth knowing with my fractions of everything that makes me who I am; a patchwork quilt of everything that makes up the organism that is ‘me’.

In these little lies, I search to find the truth among their lives. It seems tedious but wise, and I won’t ever fail to realize. These days are hard, but things will get better. That’s what tomorrows are for.

And as I’ve written these words on this blog the past few weeks, I’ve found myself happier and more at peace than I’ve ever been, thanks to the safety I feel within now to express myself in the ways that I need to; all in order to speak the truth to you.

Difference

As I cherish these things that I have, I feel for others who don’t. I wish there was a way that I could give to them, but I can’t. Because of these circumstances I found myself bound by happenstance.

I don’t want this blog to be entirely dedicated to me, I want to speak of others as well. I wish to be a humanitarian in every sense, because of the way these people fell. And because of the ache in my heart I feel when I see these things, their truths I will tell.

I know this may seem random, but I have thought of this for years. Though I stopped myself because of my own fear. The fear of being judged, but now that disappears. Because these people cry real tears.

Hopefully charity in the making, I certainly am not faking the sorrow I feel when I see another soul suffer. It’s something I wish to never see upon another.

So as I speak these things on my mind and rhyme these rhymes, I will hopefully come to the time where with these words, I can make a difference. Truly.

Change

In desolate places and derelict spaces, I see the faces of the future. Those that deserve to have their voices heard.

As I look around myself I find it hard to find what I should see: the reality of those around me. Yet I cannot, because it is covered up; something I will never truly understand.

Aches and pains and trickling rain. Although I ache for the future, I also ache for the sameness that comes about upon every nook and cranny of every alley. People of the world deserve to have their voices heard, not dismissed as they have been.

Magazines draw me in and despite my knowledge of lies in the media, I choose what I believe. I believe in the day when we can sit side by side and stay together as one. That we could have fun.

Reading these issues of the world, I wish I could help, but I find myself helpless in a situation where I have not experienced what others have. I don’t understand the discrimination, and perhaps I never can. It’s not within my hands.

Still, even as a girl with porcelain skin and green eyes, I will devise what plans I can to help those who need it. It’s not as simple as speaking about it; I want to do something.

But still I find myself within this room, attached to my sickness, attached to my lack of knowledge of the outside world.

Maybe someday, though, I’ll find a way to change the world.

Face

Wintry winds fill me with their icy breath. I often don’t know what I need, nor do I understand what I want. But I trust that it will all work itself out.

Stretching these muscles within my brain, I’ll shift my focus into another lane. For what have I to gain if I cry for things in vain?

No, sometimes I don’t know, but it’s worth a try. It’s worth the effort to take the dive. To step forward towards these things that alight my mind. They won’t always be this kind.

Crafting each word with care, I inhale cold air. As summer leaves and autumn begins, I find my patience wearing thin. But I won’t give up because I know what I’m made of. Small victories and deeper roots, this will always be my truth. Seeing to another day and another night, I count the days down till that flight. The time where I can spread my wings, with all of the peace and tears of happiness it brings. I have endured things I never thought I would, and I’ve done things I never thought could, but under this gentle hood, I will strive for what is good.

In these tears that fall from my face, I’ll find my own place. Within all these pains and fallen grace, I shall face them all with integrity and grace.

My Start With Writing

I worry often that my writing is not good enough. I know I’ve said this before, but I have a bad habit of repeating, something I wish I could get rid of. But it has been proven to me with this blog that my writing is good and can be powerful. It was an acquaintance of mine who got me writing – and then convinced me that everything I wrote was less than worthy of her time. It was trash compared to what they wrote.

I met this person at twelve years old and I knew them for years. Even though they got me into writing, they also convinced me that everything I did wasn’t good enough. Eventually, I saw how toxic this person was, but not before they shamelessly pushed me to the point of being suicidal. Since then, I have been in near-constant therapy and my wonderful mother went and spoke to this individual, telling them that they were no longer welcome in our home and that they were to never speak to me again.

I don’t entirely know why I felt pressed to tell this story, but I did. Lastly, I just want to say that you don’t have to listen to anyone who is cruel to you, because I’ve recently learned that a person’s cruelty is a reflection of themselves, not you, or what they might say about you.

Even when I speak of this person, I avoid using their name because as terrible as it seems, to me they don’t deserve to be referred to by their name. They nearly destroyed me, but I thankfully came out on the other side.

I will never understand cruelty. The motivation behind it, the way others think it’s right to act that way. I will never understand it, sans I hope that upon reading this that you can possibly shut a toxic person out of your life as well.