Paid All My Dues

Sometimes it seems that life goes on without meaning to. It goes on, relentlessly and ruthlessly. That’s what I’ve learned, at least.

At night, I dream of a little house in the sky. Somewhere I can go to call home. It has wooden floors and herbs in planters. It has sunshine all the time and fresh air and the smell of lavender and ladders to climb up to a little bunk with books, blankets, and pillows so that I can read as I fall asleep with the sun shining on my face.

I’m always in a beautiful dress, imagining myself as a fairy. Something that – to me – means innocence. It’s an innocence that I would do anything to get back. And every time I have this dream, there’s chaos that I’m escaping from in the dream. The chaos always comes from a reflection of my real life. I escape to my Sky House, and everything will be okay.

What I wonder is if one day, I could realistically build such a house? Could I realistically build such a little sanctuary? Because even as I sit in my room, something that used to be my sanctuary, I cannot find the peace I once had. Now, all I feel is the pain as yelling and screaming permeates the entire house and I seek to find a home as I realize that the word ‘home’ has seeped out of where I now live.

Don’t get me wrong, though. I do love where I live. I do love family. But toxicity is toxicity, and it can be terrifying. Of course, if I ever make it that far – as to find my own home – I will always keep the relationships intact. However, even as I cut and bleed, cry and bitterly fall asleep at midnight – or sometimes not at all – there’s this inkling that there’s something right around the corner. Something better that’s coming my way. There’s always this thing in my heart that whispers: You’ve paid your dues. 

I will make it through anything, for I am as strong as diamond. However, right now, I don’t shine as bright. I remember someone once telling me that diamonds needed to be cut down – their rough edges taken off before they shined and glimmered like they do on TV.

Now, I realize that I am that diamond, and I’m simply having those rough edges taken off. And someday I hope to be fitted into the most beautiful ring in the world, to find the happiness I’ve always sought, and the peace that I once knew.

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Light

My bare feet grace the ground with their presence; soon being filled with the essence of truth and happiness. For I walk towards the light that lifts me, that of which brings my anxiety and depression away from me. And in these steady days, I will find peace in many different ways.

As I search for ways to help others and to bring happiness to myself, I find the book of my life upon a shelf. Upon the shelf of everything I ever needed; these words I say now which were created.

Bring forth the greatest happiness you can find, for I dance with joy and unwind. Filled with flower dust and the nectar of life, there’s nothing that should bring forth strife.

And in this broken soul, I find myself mended once more. My words flowing, flowing towards the shore.

Difference

As I cherish these things that I have, I feel for others who don’t. I wish there was a way that I could give to them, but I can’t. Because of these circumstances I found myself bound by happenstance.

I don’t want this blog to be entirely dedicated to me, I want to speak of others as well. I wish to be a humanitarian in every sense, because of the way these people fell. And because of the ache in my heart I feel when I see these things, their truths I will tell.

I know this may seem random, but I have thought of this for years. Though I stopped myself because of my own fear. The fear of being judged, but now that disappears. Because these people cry real tears.

Hopefully charity in the making, I certainly am not faking the sorrow I feel when I see another soul suffer. It’s something I wish to never see upon another.

So as I speak these things on my mind and rhyme these rhymes, I will hopefully come to the time where with these words, I can make a difference. Truly.

Dreaming Big

Go ahead and tell me that it isn’t possible. I’ll prove to you that I can do this. I’ll prove to you that what I dream of isn’t a pipe dream; it isn’t something that can just be silenced by the belief that it’s impossible. So go ahead, and tell me how much I can’t do it. I’ll do it anyway, and I’ll make sure that it’s the best thing that ever happened. Because in this heart of mine I am a dreamer, and I find the greatest things when I open it up and allow myself to dream. I find everything that I could possibly need, and for some reason I can’t understand why someone would tell me that my dreams are ‘impossible’ or ‘unrealistic’.

It’s not as simple as mere words, not as simple as these things that come into my mind that I fight to make a reality. They aren’t as simple as the light that fades when the sun drops below the horizon. In fact, they’re more complicated than most anything else I know. Because my dreams will become a reality, and I will fight for them to be so.

In your youth, didn’t you dream too? Didn’t you want things to happen that others told you wasn’t possible? Did you allow them to be right, to kill those dreams, and did you settle for something less?

I’m not trying to be anything other than as kind as possible. But I remember all the times I’ve been told that things aren’t possible, that I need to think smaller, that I need to stop dreaming altogether. It hurts like a knife in my chest, stinging like salt in a wound but I won’t allow these words to close my mind off and move onto smaller things. I won’t allow this pain to force me to abandon everything I’ve worked nearly twelve years for.

And in this jumbled up message of words, I know that I’m someone who can make these things happen. I know that I’m someone who can make anything happen because I have a drive that cannot be beaten. I have a drive that is stronger than that of a bull, hence my Zodiac sign of the Taurus.

So many people – including my own mother – have told me to dream smaller. They’ve told me that I can’t do it. They’ve told me that I’m unrealistic and that I’m just going to end up disappointed. Well, who ever ended up disappointed unless they gave up? How many big dreamers do we know today who never gave up when people thought they were insane but now are revered as geniuses? Too many to count.

So I will continue here on my way, and I will find the path that leads to everything I’ve ever wanted to make real. Because I will create my reality and I will make it the best reality I ever could have had.

Because dreaming big will never be bad.

Shore

Among these lights are the stars that shine bright. Among this night are the tales told without fright. I want to know where the world ends so that I can follow it back to the beginning, just to relive the start. I want to feel the creation of us, I want to take it to heart.

There are so many things I yearn here to say. But only small words out of my mouth do sway. Thank you for your love and light, I’ll never forget them this way.

And now as I feel these things I find myself in a happier place than before. I feel as though I have finally reached the shore. Strong beams and pine trees, the scent of it all overwhelms me. But basking in the sun’s rays is where I’d rather be.

I feel these things so fair and know that I am meant to be here. Perhaps you are two, and we could dance in eternal solitude.

I find myself getting better, kinder, stronger than before. This all came to me when I happened upon that shore.

So take these words, these rhymes; and come with me into the forest of time. These things so fine forever shall be mine.

View

My dreamscape is filled with images of a television series and thoughts of the civil war from the 1800’s. I find myself burrowing under my covers because this is the only place I can explore my mind thoroughly.

Finally, sleep marring my vision, I wake up. It’s late, almost noon. And somehow I find it hard to have confidence in myself. How my confidence comes and goes, my warriors glow in the dark over everything. They are more prevalent than my other thoughts.

Maybe someday I’ll find my way out, but for now I am trapped within the birdcage of my own self-doubt, stopping me from flying.

Just as I’m ready to fall asleep again and forget the world, a glimmer of hope makes it’s way forward. I am a good writer. Perhaps I shouldn’t listen to myself just after I’ve woken up. So now, small as a fairy, I sit on a shelf, viewing the world from another standpoint. And, for now, I will remain at peace.

Real

As I allow myself to be swept into the void, I can’t help but feel a smile creeping up on these lips of mine. I can’t help but feel my eyes close with the sensation of peace as my mind wanders into a dream world of my own making.

Sleep, something so elusive lately, has come to me. It has come to set me free. Of this day. Of this life. There’s no other way that I could find myself loosening up, finding the corset around my heart to loose and fall away. Finding that the fears that have so viciously sewn my mouth shut recede into nothingness. I am okay here. I’m always going to be okay here.

I have dreamt of incredible dreamscapes. Damp sand with marble flooring, the water rushing in from a shore unseen as I walk barefoot through it, looking up at the darkening sky, it’s gray clouds finding their way to me. Still though, they cannot breach the barrier that is my safety.

Another place, another time. As I navigate these dreams and these worlds, I find ways to make them into stories. I find ways to create them into novels upon my waking hours. They will always fuel that wanderlust within me; that desire I have to inhabit a world not my own.

If I could ever reach another planet with life on it, I would go there in a heartbeat. I would study the culture of humans there, I would study the strange plant life and animals. I’d learn the languages and taste the food because despite my dreams taking me from this life temporarily and my nomadic spirit fueling me to travel the earth, I find myself wanting to wander further than just the horizon of this world. Crazy as it sounds, I want to wander every horizon. I want to watch them, know them, feel them. I need to know their sounds, their taste, their scents because as I rise from the gripping fingers of darkness that pull me down, I can know that have a place that I can be alone. A place to call home.

How I wish that I could be alone, in my own place, devoid of fight of politics, devoid of vicious crimes and violence. Devoid of the things that strip my happiness away from me shred by shred until I find myself bare to the very core. It is then that I retreat into these worlds that I have created within my own mind; these worlds that I somehow wish would someday be real. How I would love to stand in some of the places I’ve explored in my mind. How I’d do anything to inhabit each and every world that I find.

But for now, I stay within this world. Not because I’m trapped by it, but because I choose to be within its walls for the sake of my own safety. I can venture into my own worlds through stories and novels. And maybe someday…just maybe…they could become real.

Wanderlust

I have this intense, almost unbearable desire to roam, to leave, to possibly never come back. I’ve always wanted freedom and I’ve often wondered what it would like to feel so…free. With nothing but the stars to guide me, no appointments and nothing to worry about. It was a simpler time when people lived like this, and I envy it.

It’s not that I don’t love where I’m at or that I don’t love the people I’m with; I just find myself with this unquenchable thirst. The thirst for the stars and truck beds and wonder and fresh air.

Perhaps it’s because I’ve lived in a bubble most my life. I’d like to believe that I can make it there someday; to a place I cannot yet fathom. I’d like to believe that my journey has only begun for my intense desire to wander.

Is it hard? Yes. Is it scary? Maybe. Is it worth it?

Absolutely.

Who Are You In Your Recurring Dreams?

Have you ever wanted to get far, far away from where you are? I constantly dream that I do. Nearly every dream I have at night is that I’m getting away from this current life and somehow flying away to a life more desired. I even had a dream like that last night.

I’ve always wanted to travel, and I’ve always wanted to see the world. I’ve always wanted the freedom to do so, and the freedom to do whatever I wanted. Because of the way I grew up, I never really had freedom to do anything. I was in the hospital so much that I genuinely that it was my ‘second home with the doctors’. I was also sick at my real home and sometimes couldn’t play with friends, not to mention financial restraints that I still have to this day because of my condition and the need to pay medical bills that are in the tens of thousands and even hundreds of thousands of dollars (thank goodness I have health insurance). But my point is this: I’ve always wished I had the freedom to just get up and go wherever I wanted. I always wished I had financial freedom to do whatever I wanted.

My dream last night was that I was living in another part of my country, a part I’d never lived before and have wanted to live in for quite a while. Me and my family were buying drinks at a small vendor that was near our house and I had endless change in my pocket for snacks. It was a very simple dream, but something that I fight to make a reality someday. I remember buying a soda for my mom in the dream. That’s something I haven’t been able to do in a long time.

I often dream that I’m doing things for others I love, as well. Like buying a soda for my mom, or doing something for my brother. It’s these things that I wish I could do in real life that I just can’t right now. But I have the aspirations that someday I will be able to buy a soda for my mom from a vendor, and that someday I will be able to do things for my brother. Someday I will be able to look up at a cloudless blue sky and know that the possibilities are endless.

This is why I’m a writer. I can do whatever I want. I can explore the world. I can create other worlds. I can go and do anything I’ve ever wanted!

I often have other dreams of making this amazing home theater in my own mansion (because I love mansions, though I’ve never stepped foot inside of one). This is because I love video games, and I think it would be incredible to have a huge theater that’s completely dedicated to that sort of thing, as well as Anime (one thing that has largely saved my life), as well as other small things like drinks and snacks. I don’t know why this is such an aspiration for me, but I’ve had recurring dreams about it for months. Maybe even years.

Lastly, there was another dream I’ve been having. I always dream there’s this large Victorian-era house that I own, and it’s so large that I literally get lost in it. There is room after room after room and I can never make heads or tails of it. But by the time I reach the center I find out that there’s a large party going on for some type of queen that is going to arrive. I always stumble upon the party. And in the center is a crystal fountain with beautiful water, and it’s so large that I probably couldn’t climb into the water at the bottom even if I wanted to. After that is a large staircase leading to a ledge that overlooks the crystal fountain.

Like I said, I always stumble upon this party, and I never end up finding out who the queen is. Meanwhile, there’s a beautiful song being sung in the background; something that I can never entirely remember once I’ve woken up.

The night before last, I had the same dream, but it was slightly different. This time, I was in the mansion with my husband (I’m not married, but I was with a specific man that I love very much), and I was pulling him from attraction to attraction, because the party for the queen was like some type of festival or parade. Though, at some point in the dream, he began running ahead of me. I was yelling at him to slow down, so he did. After that, I realized where we were: we were on the ledge that overlooked the fountain. After that, I realized who the queen was, the queen that I had never seen before in my previous dreams.

The queen was me. I was the one who was supposed to come to the top of the ledge and greet my people. I was the one that everybody was coming to see. And the person singing that beautiful song I heard every single time I had the dream? That was me as well, though somehow I didn’t know it.

My husband (in the dream) wordlessly pushed me forward to take my rightful place as queen.

The reason I tell this story is that I think dreams have so much more meaning than we ever give them credit for. I find that my dreams tell me things that I’ve never before known about myself.

Have you ever had dreams where you’ve discovered things about yourself? Or do you have weird dreams where you’re squeezing gravity-defying toothpaste into the air and your brother has turned into a collection of floating trumpets? (That last example is a dream I had when I was a child. Seriously.)

Daycare

Hello! First, I would like to apologize for not posting anything yesterday. I was volunteering for a friend to help her with this new job for a preschool she’s helping with and it was around midnight when we were done! Whew!

Anyway, I’ve been thinking a lot. My mom ran a Daycare for five years, and it was wonderful. At the time though, I was a teenager, and naturally I hated it. I didn’t like that the kids were encroaching on my territory. I even look back at those days and I’m ashamed as to how I acted around them and ashamed of the things I said about the Daycare. It was my mom’s dream job, but we had to do it out of our house, and it was very difficult. I just wanted to feel like I was living in a home, not a business. But we ended up having to shut down for various reasons. Now, I’m thinking about my future. There are so many things that I want to do in my life. I want to be an entertainer, I want (maybe) to be an author, and I was going to give myself two years to decide. But now I’m wondering if I should give myself longer than two years to decide.

There’s this home that I want in another state, and it’s pretty expensive, but I won’t give it up for anything. There’s a lot about the home and property that means a lot to me, although I’d rather not get into those reasons. Now, I’m starting to wonder if I should give up on that property and stay here where I am. Of course, that answer is no. I’m going to save up money and buy the property. It’s too special for me. The person who owned it before saved my life. The rest is hard to explain.

So, I’m thinking about making money with writing here on this blog, streaming on Twitch.tv, and maybe doing a YouTube channel, and selling my art, becoming a professional artist. I’m going to build a nice business building (not too big but big enough) for my mom to restart her Daycare with her friend that helped her start the older one. I definitely want to be part of it this time. There’s a lot of incentive. I want to learn how to take care of kids because I eventually want to go into foster care, and be a foster mom. I also think it would be nice to give older kids lessons in foreign languages.

Anyway, I’m straying from my main point. My point is that I’m conflicted; I want to go to that property in another state and live there, but I don’t want to be away from my mom. I know that sounds silly, but because of my health condition, I’ve lived a harsh life and she’s the only person that has always been there for me. I don’t want to be away from her because she’s sick right now and she needs my help. In addition, I don’t want to look back one day and realize that I lost the time I had left with my mom while I was chasing my dreams. I love my mom, and I don’t want to be away from her, because we are more closely connected than most mother/daughter pairs. I’m serious about that; I’ve been told that by countless people who have observed how my mom and I can speak without even opening our mouths. We can communicate with looks, and since we clung to each other for survival during my childhood, we know each other well and we have horrible memories together as well as miracles together. It’s different than most families.

So, I want to stay where I am, but I want to go away to another place. It’s conflicting. But the one thing I do know is this: I’m definitely going to stay where I am for a while, even if I end up buying the property, I won’t move in immediately. I want to be there for her Daycare, and I want to help with teaching the kids, helping with the children, and doing little summer programs as well as holiday programs. It’s something that is now a part of me, and I never would have gotten there without having had lived with the Daycare for five years when I was a teenager. It’s part of my life and it is integrated into who I am as a person. Despite my desire to be an entertainer (which I will always strive for), I also have it ingrained in me to look after children and be a foster mother. I want to help children that are hurting, and I’ve even considered being a teacher.

But with all of this looming over me, I feel like I’ve already made my decision: I’m going to move away, but I will visit often. I will be a foster mother, and I will work at the Daycare for a long time before I do. I hope to live a long life, so hopefully I’ll have time to do everything I want to do.

I’m sorry if this post seems really strange and pointless, but this is what I can come up with after hours and hours of lesson planning for three-year-olds! All I can do is know that I will received the opportunity to live out every dream I have. I truly know that. It’s just a part of who I am.