In this moment, I remember buses and blue lights. I remember the night sky. I remember the stars that shone down on me in that moment, begging me to come meet them, and let them know how much I loved them.
In this moment, I remember all of those dreams I had blindly as a child, so naively filled with joy and excitement. In this moment, I remember the last eleven years of trying to create my own music, and trying to make it through writing and music. And in this moment, I will remember how this has changed me. How this night has changed me.
Everything I need is here, and everything I ever needed is something that sits within my palms at this very moment. And there’s nothing that can hold me back. There’s nothing that can stop me from finding this glory, this grace, and to see their smiling faces.
I want to know what fans of mine would want. But I need to create music first. I know I have an audience. As hard as it is for me to learn to play the guitar because of brain injuries I’ve had in the past, it’s nothing that will get in my way; nothing that will stop me from getting where I want to be.
And someday, when I’m on tour, I will look up at those lights in the stadium, just like the lights of the night sky so many years ago. And I will look up at them, knowing I’m under the same sky, but I’m a very different person. And this different person has been through grace, through anger, through shame, through sorrow, through sadness, pain, madness, and so much more. But most importantly, in this moment, for me…there is so much more.
I know that this industry is cut-throat. The industry in which I have fought to inhabit. In these hazy days behind these words that stay; I can throw away my inhibitions.
I know that entertainment is like balancing on the top of a knife, stepping so light with the fear of getting sliced. But I don’t have to worry about it, because cuts on me heal faster than they could ever bleed.
I know wanting to be a singer and every other ambition I have is extremely difficult. It might even seem impossible, something that I’ve been told to give up and go for something more ‘practical’. But the thought of knowing my determination for this is factual.
And even in my worst fears, I’ll hold myself dear because I already hear the warnings in my mind. Still, I ignore them because this is truly what I’m born for. I’m born to fight, and I was born to follow these trails.
So, perhaps one day I’ll look back and tell the tale.
Behind these hazel eyes, green like the earth, brown like a bull, radiating my Taurus sign. I fit my sign more than I ever thought possible, something I used to deem impossible. But it fits me, more than I could ever see.
I am all about symbolism. Even when it comes to realism. In my everyday life, I search for symbolic things, I search for impossible themes. I take joy in noticing that there’s no such thing as coincidence and that there’s always reason for incidents. As much as it might have frustrated me in the past, it’s something that didn’t last.
Fit together with my own muse and filtered clues, I rush forward to any news pertaining to my projected dreams. They radiate from me, almost like a beam. I will be fully ready once I iron out these seams.
And now it is wonderful what I yearn to know, simply to put on a show. I want my job to be entertainment, and with my excitement, I can hardly contain it.