In Vain

These breathings of my heart are in vain, because all of these things that I’ve tried to do have never come together. I fight, but is there a reason to? Is there a reason to breathe anymore? Is there a reason to be here anymore? Is there a reason to be doing all of this, in vain, if I feel like there’s no reason to breathe at all?

Of course, there’s nothing that I can do. It’s something that simply has to come through for me in a way that right now I know not. In a way that I have to wait to be revealed to me. And let me tell you, it’s not easy. I feel my heart constrict, and I feel the tears in my eyes. I feel my heart begin to sink and I feel everything I once knew begin to break.

I feel everything I ever needed start to fade away, and I ask myself if I could possibly go with them. Because I am afraid, and I need to find a way to get away. I need to find a place to stay, somewhere I can call home and know that I am safe. And in the midst of these things that I write of, sometimes I don’t know what I need. And sometimes I don’t know what should come to me. All I know is that I’m filled with sadness and a broken heart.

In my heart, I always wished that I could be happy. But depression comes in, along with anxiety. And there’s nothing I can do to force it out of me save for the small little hopes that something will come of it. I can’t fight it off, and I can’t banish it from my mind. There’s nothing I can do to save what’s mine.

In my heart, these breathings are real. These things that I need are real. But I’m not sure how to make what I need real. I’m not sure how much longer I can hold on, here with this avalanche of thoughts and feelings and everything that feels so wrong. I feel as if I’ve been abandoned, and don’t know if I can take it one more moment.

I yearn for the light to shine, for there to be a reason to smile. I yearn for there to be something to pull me out of these darkest depths, and to help me find something to save me from myself. And I don’t know what that is, but I know it isn’t this. All I feel is that I’m floating through an endless abyss.

I want so desperately for that day to come, the day where I can be everything that I want to be. Because I feel held back, and I feel like I have a million pounds sat upon my shoulders, and I feel as though there’s no way for me to be able to make it any lighter. I feel as if there’s no way for me to be able to find that secret key that will bring me to the success that I’ve dreamed of.

I know the world isn’t made up of success. But I also know that finding success is my only way out of this cave of darkness for which I feel subjected to. I don’t want to seem as if I’m being dramatic, or as if I’m full of it, but I can’t help but feel like there’s nothing else I can do. I know that the success of everything I love is the key to leaving this place of darkness and horror. But is there a way that I can possibly reach the edge of it, and make my way to the light?

I’m not sure. I don’t know if there’s any way that I could be heard in my plight. Because even as I fight, there’s nothing I can do to make this burden light. Perhaps if I pray it will feel a little bit better, but I’ve been told to pour out my heart, and thus here I am. To make myself vulnerable, because nobody likes someone who only shows their highlight reel. Nobody likes those who are only willing to show their greatest accomplishments.

I feel as though there’s nothing I can do to get to where I want to be, and where I am now is somewhere I don’t want to be. But how can I possibly find my way out when there’s no one here to help me?

I suppose I just feel tears in my eyes, and there’s nothing but surprise to reach from behind and horror to meet from that small voice in the back of my mind that tells me I’m not good enough. And sometimes when I read back these words, they make sense. Right now, to me, nothing makes sense.

And perhaps that’s the way it’s supposed to be.

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