Shore

Among these lights are the stars that shine bright. Among this night are the tales told without fright. I want to know where the world ends so that I can follow it back to the beginning, just to relive the start. I want to feel the creation of us, I want to take it to heart.

There are so many things I yearn here to say. But only small words out of my mouth do sway. Thank you for your love and light, I’ll never forget them this way.

And now as I feel these things I find myself in a happier place than before. I feel as though I have finally reached the shore. Strong beams and pine trees, the scent of it all overwhelms me. But basking in the sun’s rays is where I’d rather be.

I feel these things so fair and know that I am meant to be here. Perhaps you are two, and we could dance in eternal solitude.

I find myself getting better, kinder, stronger than before. This all came to me when I happened upon that shore.

So take these words, these rhymes; and come with me into the forest of time. These things so fine forever shall be mine.

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Wow Pt 2

I am so stressed right now. I’ve never been on the phone with customer service for a full hour. Needless to say it was nerve-wracking.

I don’t want to mention the hosting platform I chose as I believe that they are very competent and that this experience of mine was only a fluke. I think God was telling me that it’s not time for a website yet. Perhaps I’m not ready.

But I’m grateful for this experience because in a way it shows me that I can just move forward with having fun writing. As much as I’m frustrated and I would like to have a website, I don’t have the money, nor the energy to do that right now. Right now I just need to sleep. It’s hard doing things for the first time. I’m very tired and have a massive headache.

But I’m grateful to still have this blog.

So Tired of This

I suppose this is just going to be a dump post. Something I just dump here and leave here.

I feel like I’ve been through the wringer lately. I was taken to the hospital via ambulance a week ago and now I’m finally better. Physically…but not mentally.

I just need to say it…I am so tired of being told that to be successful in a certain field that I absolutely have to do ‘xyz’, or I have no chance at being successful. It’s really hard for me to constantly hear that I’m too ambitious or that I want to do too many things. I’m tired of being told things are impossible for me or that I will never make it to where I want to be.

I’m rebellious by nature. Naturally, I’m going to do the opposite of what I’m told, just for the sake of it. That’s just who I am. But lately it’s been less irritating and more hurtful. I know I’m putting fat too much stock into what strangers on the Internet say, but it’s extremely difficult for me not to believe everything I hear. I believe everything I hear by default.

Today I cried about it, and I never cry. Not because I try not to but because I’m just not a cryer. But today, maybe I’m just sick of it all.

I don’t understand the world, and sometimes it’s all too much. I need to crawl back into my cave and let myself relax instead of worrying what the president is doing or the rioters or potential world wars that are all just too frequently seen everywhere I go that I think might be safe. I write a blog, but I don’t read many. It’s not that I can’t be bothered, it’s just that current events and politics and news genuinely scare me. They terrify me. I’m 23 and it’s almost sad if I see the world crumbling around me.

But I digress.

I’m so tired of being told to do things a certain way or I’ll ‘never make it’ to where I want to be. I want to be an entertainer, an author, a dancer, singer and songwriter. I also want to be a blogger, a YouTuber and Twitch streamer. With every one of these, we are all told the supposed ‘trade secrets of success’. To be an entertainer you need talent; to be a singer you need a good voice, to an author you need millions of readers to even hope of getting published. To be a dancer, you need to start before you’re an adult or you’re just screwed.

But what if I don’t want to do it the way I’m told to? What if I want to start dance at 23 and publish my own work in my own publishing company and just sing with my own voice and entertain with what I have? Do these things mean I’m just not allowed to have my dreams?

I’m well aware of doing it my own way and potentially being successful, and that’s what I fully intend to do. I just do not understand the world’s fascination with this formula that some have that others don’t and how apparently only those with the formula can succeed. Though, I’m absolutely positive that 95% of this formula is media crap that they want to sell as a ‘proven way’ to get where you want to go. Then they get millions and you get frustration. In short: scam.

Well, that’s all I have to say. Thanks for reading…if you did. šŸ˜‰

Ghosts

Do you believe in ghosts?

More than half of the population in the United States believe in ghosts, and have even experienced some things themselves. And me? I’m all about the supernatural. I love the idea of anything that doesn’t fit within society’s bubble, and the idea of ghosts would have to be my all-time favorite.

There are different types of ghosts, but I will discuss them at a later date. For today, I want to talk about their essence; that is, what they actually are.

We’ve all heard the classic story of someone dying a horrible death and their spirit coming back to haunt where they inhabited their life. Their home, or another beloved place in that person’s life can be considered ‘haunted’ by this spirit, either maliciously or otherwise. But are ghosts actually spirits of the dead, or something more? Does someone have to die terribly to manifest as a spirit, or is that myth?

The beliefs of what ghosts actually are scales quite a large range. Some believe that classic adage: ghosts are spirits of the dead. Though, there are others who believe differently. There are those that believe a ‘ghost’ is concentrated energy, some believe they are aliens, and others believe that they are nothing but a trick of the mind.

But what about the human soul? Can it manifest itself in such a way after leaving the body? Perhaps we’ll never know the real answer to that one. But I certainly believe in ghosts. I’ve even seen a few.

After all, if ghosts aren’t real, then who can explain sounds without origin, seemingly intelligent mist in the form of a spirit, or disembodied voices?

I’m sure that there was a time where everyone believed in ghosts. I also believe there has been a time where everyone thought ghosts to be the trick of sleep deprivation, thirst, or hunger. Some even believed these entities could only be seen by ‘crazy people’ who saw things no one else saw, now known to either have a form of psychosis, or to be a genuine psychic.

Now, I’m no psychic, but I have seen things, and I have noticed things. I used to have some cats when I was little, and they died years ago. Slowly, I’ve seen, felt, or heard them come back from time to time just to say ‘hello’. I also have a vague familiarity of buildings from the Victorian Era, back in the nineteenth century. Does mean that I could have seen something I don’t remember?

I don’t know.

Despite the endless hoards of literature and pop culture surrounding these phenomena, (who ya gonna call!?), there is little definitive proof that such things exist. Not enough to convince those who don’t believe in them, at least. But still…with so much history and so many things across the world pointing in a very similar direction…could it all be a coincidence? I don’t think so.

Well? What do you think? Are ghosts real, or are they nothing but a trick of the mind; something that has cleverly fooled us for generations?

Be Grateful For What You Have

It has not been easy with so many fires in the State where I live in right now. I swear that 50% of the State is on fire right now. Seriously. And having underdeveloped lungs, breathing issues, and asthma…it’s a bit of a challenge. Throw a heart condition on top and it’s really not a happy scenario. So, I’ve been staying inside (obviously) with oxygen on, writing and crocheting, and getting stuff ready to start a little business on eBay on September 1st. At least, I’m hoping that I can have it all ready by then. Here’s to crossed fingers!

Anyway, I think I’m beginning to find that all of my writing on here is more stream of consciousness than anything else because I’m better at just writing what’s on my mind than having some grand point or something. I dunno.

It’s funny how our minds work though, I’ve discovered. I was pretty brutally bullied earlier this year on social media, and now I begin to wonder if I made it all up. I’m one of those people who (I hate to say it) is easily manipulated into hating themselves. It’s just a part of me that I wish I could get rid of but I can’t. I’ve been bullied all my life, and I suppose that I wonder if the bullying is actually real because I’m so used to it. I’m so used to being called names and being told that I should die or that I will die (because with my condition, there’s no medical explanation as to how I’m alive right now). I’m used to being shoved to the side and being told I’m worthless. But I didn’t come here to talk about my bullied life. I came here to talk more about how it has affected me (stream of consciousness-like).

I’ve found that whenever somebody is nice to me or gives what I know that I deserve, I immediately reject it. I’m so used to putting myself last and everyone else I know before me. Even if I’m not particularly fond of that person. I’m used to putting everyone in front of me, and prioritizing them before myself, so when somebody gives me what I deserve, I quite honestly don’t know how to react. My first instinct is to run like I’ve just been presented with the plague, to be absolutely truthful. I’m not sure why that is. I suppose I feel I don’t deserve it. But there is something that I’m really trying to learn: IĀ doĀ deserve it.

I’ve lived a very impoverished life. We got a kitchen table last year for Christmas, and it was the first time I ate a meal on a table in my own home in fifteen years! It was so fantastic that I found myself jumping for joy. Then I look at my friends, and it can be difficult because they are complaining about what they want or how something isn’t good enough and they have smartphones and they have everything they could ever want and I’m over here like, ‘Hey! Look at my kitchen table!’ That usually goes right over their heads though.

I’ve stopped talking to a lot of people, not because I’m shallow or believe that I’m better than them because I don’t complain about not having things and I have never been happier to buy my own rice cooker when I was twenty-one, but because I just don’t like the noise. I have a flip phone that I can hardly text on, and IĀ loveĀ it. It doesn’t have Internet or emails or anything like that, but I can text and call and that’s exactly what I need a phone for. That’s what phones were supposed to be for in the beginning. Communication. Now they’ve become little computers in our pockets and despite being a Millennial, I can’t help but find myself increasingly irritated with the growing generation of technology.

But what bothers me the most? Ungrateful people. It’s none of my business, and I know I should just look the other way, but quite frankly, it’s very hard to look the other way when I haven’t been to the eye doctor in over five years and I’m getting new glasses and can hardly see with the ones I currently have while others are paying for Lasik surgery (not that there’s anything wrong with that; I’d love it), and others are able to pick from five different set of glassesĀ andĀ contacts. That is a foreign concept to me. Absolutely foreign. I didn’t even know that somebody could have more than one pair of glasses until I was well into my adult years. I’m absolutely honest about that.

To me, it’s the demand and the expectation. I remember living in this little home when I was eight and nine years old that we would later come to call The Submarine because it was so tiny. I’m not even five feet tall and I could stand in the center of the room and touch all of the walls without moving. We had a gas stove, no dishwasher, no heating or AC, and no garbage disposal. I remember when someone was kind enough to build us a home and allow us to live in it for a small down-payment. I will never lose that gratitude. I remember the first day at nine years old, sitting on the carpet in the living room and staring out the windows at the blue sky. I was so filled with peace. I couldn’t believe that a room could look so bright and so full of hope.

Later, when I was at a youth activity (years later), some girls were stomping on a broken sign that bore the name of the man that gave me and my family a home, thinking it was hilarious. I was beyond angry, and being taught to always speak up for how I feel, I walked right over to those girls and scolded them for what they were doing. I remember saying something to the effect of “Look, I understand that he may not be that great to you. I understand that you or your parents might not like that man, but that man gave me aĀ home,Ā heĀ saved my life.Ā Because of that man whose name you are stomping on, I am alive and I am able to live without being homeless, so you’d better watch whose name your stomping on because you never know what they do for others that you don’t see.”

I left the girls with their jaws dropped, too shocked to even have some kind of a retort. I’m not one to take something like that lying down. And maybe it’s not my place to get after someone like that for lack of education, or, as I call it – ignorance. But, I am what I am. And I will stay that way, because I’ve seen the ugly side of the world, and boy am I grateful to that sun continues to rise everyday because, if it didn’t, I don’t know what I’d do. If the sun no longer rose, I might just give up, knowing there was no light, and without light, no hope. I thrive on hope. Perhaps my name should have been ‘hope’,

So, whether we have smartphones and smart vehicles, or we have flip phones and a Kia Rio that can hardly make it ten feet, I think we should be incredibly grateful for what we have. You never know when it’s going to be taken right out from under you.