I Love You

I love your face, your subtle grace. The way everything you seem to ace.

I love your voice, that soft tempo with which you sing so sincerely and kindly, loving those around you.

I love your everlasting truth, and I ache with the need to hold you each time your breath is taken by pain, each time your efforts feel in vain. Because this world has not treated you right; they don’t deserve your wisdom, your freedom and flight. And it’s not okay how they fight, but not for what’s right.

I will stand by your side unlike any before me. I will walk behind you and guard your back. I will be there to wipe the tears and to take your fears. I will be there to make you laugh, to love you truly and to understand you on a level no one has before.

Because you are everything to me. To see sadness in your eyes brings tears to mine because it hurts so bad to watch you suffer. I will do anything to see that smile that shines the brightest, to face the world in their mocking of us to believe that we are freaks. Well, allow them to say what they will. I would rather be a freak than someone on the sidelines watching you weep.

It seems that I have known you for eternity; the depth within your eyes stirs everlasting love in me. There’s nothing you could do to steer me away, because I know it would only be in an effort to not be hurt again.

There’s nothing you could do in order to make me not love you. I will give everything to you in a way the rest of the world will not, and a second chance is more than what you deserve. A second chance to love and be loved. Because honey, this world doesn’t know how to love. Not in the way you do.

And if you so desired it, I would walk away, making sure to remain a support every step of the way. If you needed something, I would go without, just to see the smile in your eyes when you realize you aren’t alone.

Because there’s nothing thats more true than the fact that I love you.

Advertisements

Who Am I?

I’ve always had a lot to say, and a worry that no one would be around to hear it. Having a chronic illness can be scary, especially since I’m going to turn 24 in a few months and my maximum life expectancy was eight days. Needless to say, I’ve always been worried about not being able to say all of the things that I want to say before I die. However, God has blessed me with this life, and I’m not going to waste it worrying.

So, who am I? I’ve always asked myself that, and I keep coming to one resounding answer: I am everything and I am nothing. Because a human personality, a human identity cannot be summed up with one turn, one phrase, one flick of the tongue. Because I am so much more than words on a page, and you are too. I would encourage anyone reading this to challenge what you’ve thought about yourself. Are you a test result, a grade average, a report card? Or are you so much more?

I have discovered in my short 24 years of living in this earth that while I am a writer and it is my job to describe what cannot be described, one can never truly describe the human soul. We cannot be summed up by mere words or expressions because we are so much more. We are made of stardust – the very essence of what made the sun itself. We are made of the same material, the same energy, and the same magic. If that isn’t wonderful, then I don’t know what is.

I like to challenge society, and so I will end on this note: dear reader, I am going to give you a challenge. Write down who you are. Every trait that you can think of, good or bad. The things you love about yourself, the things you hate about yourself. Anything that could describe you. Next? I want to crumple that paper up and throw it away. Shred it, burn it. Erase it from existence.

Because you are so much more than words on a paper.

Beauty

I have always thought that sadness and sorrow is a type of beauty. I’ve always found beauty in tears. Why? Because it’s human. It is us being who we are. When we allow tears to slip out, we allow our true selves to show.

For the longest time, I didn’t know why I found beauty in the things I did, but I knew that these things were just naturally beautiful to me. Strange things like crying, tears and pain. The beauty I see is not the beauty that society has taught us to perceive, but a different type of beauty, something that doesn’t exist within this day-to-day spectrum.

I have always struggled to be who I am, but now I know that I am capable of being who I am.

And so are you.

Acceptance

Accepting things can be difficult, if not impossible. Especially when these things you need to accept are some of your greatest fears.

I have always had a slew of fears regarding my physical health, because I was born with three major organs being chronically ill. I’ve been very sick my entire life, but now at 23 years old, the reality sets in. It’s not just my organs that are in danger, but other parts of my body as well that are considered disposable.

I discovered a long time ago that when the body is fighting to provide for a failing organ – let alone three failing organs – that it will give up on what is considered ‘superficial’, such as teeth and finger and toe nails. But there are other things the body will also give up – the senses of sight and hearing.

As I am already aware that my sight has been on a steep decline, it has always been a paralyzing fear of mine to be blind. How would I write? Sketch? See my loved ones? Now it’s a reality that I need to come to terms with – something I had always thought I could avoid. The same can and probably will happen for my hearing. To be deaf is scary enough, but to be deaf and blind at the same time is terrifying. I’m only 23 years old, and I have my entire life ahead of me. Still though, I don’t consider it over.

I don’t see acceptance as weakness; I see it as noble. To accept your deepest fears, allow them to happen and then to keep moving forward is something I am fortunately pretty good at.

It’s not easy to accept these things, and there is certainly no shortage of tears. But if I do end up losing these portions of myself, I know I will gain others in the long run.

And who knows? Maybe they will end up healing. Or…maybe even with these challenges I can be the one in a million that makes it work. A blind painter. A deaf singer. A dancer who has always struggled to move. It has happened before, so who is to say it won’t happen again?

Burned Bridges

Sometimes the people closest to you burn bridges, and there’s no reason why. There’s no point in burning the bridge that leads toward the person who has given you the most.

I have seen someone I love tormented and manipulated and thrown down by someone they love, but now that relationship is over (and no, it was not romantic).

I truly don’t understand the need to make a cruel statement through obscene actions and harsh words, and I really don’t understand cruelty and I hope I never will.

For those that have burned their bridges with you, do yourself a favor and don’t rebuild that bridge. For me it is only under extremely specific and special circumstances that I will allow someone to regain my trust. Genuinely, we need to make a real effort to try to understand each other, and go out of our way to be kind. I hope that by truly loving from the heart that I can change the lives of many. So can you.

Love others, treat them with the respect they don’t give you, not as a reflection of their person but of yours. But most importantly: don’t rebuild the bridges they burn. Not only have they stopped you from coming near them by burning them, but they have done you a favor as well – they have with which to hold onto to come back and ever hurt you again. That is what I call and consider a tender mercy.

Bullies

I have experienced a lot in my life and have definitely learned a lot within the last year. I’ve learned a lot about love, about how to love and about what to do when situations go awry. I am only twenty-three years old, but I’d like to think I’ve got some of this figured out.

I remember making a big fuss here on this blog almost a year ago about how I was bullied on The Swift Life, or TSL for short. But now as I look back, I see how I should have handled the situation. Though of course, at the time I was young and could not have understood what I do now.

People have told me that bullies are nothing but cowards, and that cyber-bullies are nothing but cowards hiding behind a computer screen. I have never really believed that. It has taken me a while to articulate, but here is what I believe:

Have you ever said something in your life that you regret? Have you ever lashed out in hurt? Most likely. We all have. Does that make you a bully? No.

I don’t believe that bullies are cowards sitting behind computer screens, or the jock in the high school locker room. I believe that bullies are living, breathing human beings who are truly suffering just as much as we are, and though we may not see it through damaged pride and hurt feelings, as well as shame, everyone is only human. Some of us turn our pain inwards while some of us lash out. We all feel the exact same things, more or less. The rest is attributed to ignorance or lack of education.

I’ve never believed that bullies are terrible people, because we have all been something of a bully at some point in our lifetime. I think – or rather, know – that if we make an effort to react with love and understanding, not only will it confuse the bully…but it might just show them their worth.

Everyone is human, and everyone shows pain in different ways. Does that mean we should ostracize them? No. We should educate them in a simple and sufficient manner.

If we do so, this world might just be a better place yet.

Irreplaceable

It’s amazing how such a small action from someone that you don’t even speak to anymore can hurt so much. These smallest little details that can reach under our skin and act like table salt against a wound. These small encounters are what makes life so hard when we are young.

Society tells us that we must be liked, loved, appreciated, admired and more by everyone around us. If not, we are worthless in society’s eyes.

I’ve never much liked society and its views, and as I’ve gotten older I’ve happily rejected it. If it weren’t for certain circumstances, I would happily live in the wilderness. Why? Because it is so much simpler.

If I had a small cabin hundreds of miles away from any form of modernized civilization, I think I would have an easier time finding my happiness. Coming from someone who has experienced mostly bullying and pain in my life, it would be a great joy to remain within my own solitude.

Since I was a child I have dreamed of having my own ranch of sorts. I have dreamed of being self sufficient through all of my needs. Food, water, shelter, clothing, education, etc. I have also dreamed of living on my own island…but perhaps that wouldn’t be the greatest idea at the moment as I struggle with my physical health and rely on modern medicine.

I digress. My apologies.

If society were a more welcoming and peaceful place, perhaps I wouldn’t be so keen to avoid it. We are taught from infancy that the smallest smile, eye roll, or even just the way someone looks at us completely determines our worth, inside and out. I have struggled with self worth all my life. I’m getting better at it. I hope.

But in this little cluttered post, I don’t know who needs to hear this, but I’ll say it just for you: it doesn’t matter what others think of you, say to you, or say about you. You are worth it. Let me repeat that.

You are worth it. And if they can’t see that, they don’t deserve the irreplaceable company, smile, and personality that you bring everywhere with you. And as far as I’m concerned….it’s their loss. And a great loss of theirs indeed, because of we were all to be a little more open-minded towards each other maybe we could see how irreplaceable every soul truly is, realizing that our own is just as special.

Uninhibited

Uninhibited, I am someone who speaks what I want and need. In these dark hills, I walk away from greed.

Unaffected, I am the one who keeps trying, because I’m not fond of life dying.

Unreal, I reach towards the stars, knowing that my fingertips reach far.

And understanding, to know that I know exactly where I’m landing.

In this world of terror and worry, I won’t allow it to steal my flurry of love and truth, honestly something I hold so dearly to my heart.

I want to be who I am, and I will be. Because the only person I can be is me.

Gentler Creatures

These days together lately have been rough. But I find myself to be tough. Toughened by the challenges that lie in front of me, but not hardened by what they create of me.

I wish that I could’ve done better in the past, but what’s done is done. There’s nothing I can do but move on.

As I allow my face to turn towards the light with the sun to shine on my features, I will forever understand that I am one of those gentler creatures.

Light

My bare feet grace the ground with their presence; soon being filled with the essence of truth and happiness. For I walk towards the light that lifts me, that of which brings my anxiety and depression away from me. And in these steady days, I will find peace in many different ways.

As I search for ways to help others and to bring happiness to myself, I find the book of my life upon a shelf. Upon the shelf of everything I ever needed; these words I say now which were created.

Bring forth the greatest happiness you can find, for I dance with joy and unwind. Filled with flower dust and the nectar of life, there’s nothing that should bring forth strife.

And in this broken soul, I find myself mended once more. My words flowing, flowing towards the shore.