Long Time, No See

Wow. It has been a while. Heh.

I’m sorry if this post is sort of jumbled up, I consider this a stream-of-consciousness post. Just wanted to warn you in advance.

A lot of things have happened to me in the last year and a lot of things have happened to those that I love. Incredibly difficult changes have been made, miracles have been witnessed and spoken about, and I never knew that my spirit could remain unbroken through my deepest fears. As I’ve discovered my deepest innermost fear upon listening to a podcast featuring Tony Robbins (I love that man) from 2017, I’ve understood my limits. I’ve learned that these limits do not define me, they do not change me, and they certainly do not cage me.

I always felt held in a corral by these ‘limits’ I imagined in my head. I always thought that something was holding me back; something I couldn’t see  and therefore couldn’t fight. But as I discovered that deepest fear, and I immediately formed a plan of action. Now that I know how to not let that deepest fear happen in reality, I feel fearless. I feel like the shackles that I’ve always felt around my wrists are finally nonexistent, and possibly weren’t even there in the first place. It’s funny how society loves to convince its inhabitants are incapable of anything seconds after the moment they say ‘believe in yourself’. Such things like that gave me much pause, and reason to consider what I was doing. I looked at my life. I’m twenty-three. Do I want to be a writer? Do I even like writing?

I struggled with my identity, far more than just my writing and whether or not I liked it. Since then I have determined that I truly do love writing, and I’m grateful to have this skill that have, given to me by God. I truly know that I am skilled at writing, although that may sound vain or self-centered. The sad thing is: the second we don’t believe in ourselves, we are considered to be self-loathing. The second we love ourselves, we are considered narcissistic and vain. Anything in the middle just simply doesn’t exist.

Perhaps I always knew this, or perhaps it was something I’ve learned along the way. But I do know this: it doesn’t matter what society says. For the first time in my life, I have decided that society or the people around me have absolutely no say in what I feel about myself, how I love myself, and what I know that I deserve that I am completely aware they will tell me I don’t.

Furthermore, I have discovered that politics really is just a game of High School debate club, but on a much larger scale. Just as in Drama class, if you’re shaking and can’t get out your lines, you will be taken off the stage. This happens in politics. If someone is so angry they are shouting and trembling with rage, they have no reason or place to be on that podium. I have seen terrible things, and quite frankly, I think that the world is now scarier than it’s ever been, simply because people are making threats left and right, and no one is doing anything about it. Perhaps we’re tired. Or maybe we just don’t care anymore.

My generation, the generation of the Millennials; we fear this world. We know that there is so much we can’t do, and as I watch the generation that has come after me, the children younger than me taking drastic actions such as harming themselves and leaving permanently, I am devastated. It makes me wonder what kind of world our parents and grandparents have left us.

As I said, this is stream-of-consciousness. Please take everything I say in here with a grain of salt. It’s nothing but water that slides off the duck’s back. *QUACK* 

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