Write My Truth

Write your truth. 

I pray a lot. I feel like, in the world – especially here in the United States – it is nearly forbidden to speak about God or anything of the like. Of course we aren’t hurt physically by speaking of Him, but we are yelled at, made fun of, and told that it’s absolutely inappropriate, among other things. But I pray more than three times a day, because it is my solace. It is everything to me. I have turned my face towards Him and now my depression and anxiety aren’t so incredibly difficult.

I always wondered what it would be like to reach the goals that I’ve set for myself. I still wonder, because I haven’t reached them yet. I still wonder what it would be like to get out of a tour bus at a gas station and look up at the stars in the night sky. I still wonder what it would be like to even live on a tour bus – a dream come true for me, because I love to travel, and I don’t care where I sleep, so long as I have a warm blanket.

I want so badly to be a singer. I want so badly to be an entertainer. And I’m working towards it. I’m working towards writing my own music and breaking into that field with all my might. I’m also doing it with writing, but perhaps not as strongly.

I found that as I wrote on here, I wasn’t writing my truth. I wasn’t necessarily writing what I wanted to write, or what I felt like writing. I thought I was burnt out, but really I just didn’t feel connected to what I wrote. And to write my truth…that’s the answer I received in a prayer when I asked what I needed to do concerning this blog. Write my truth.

So, I suppose this is my truth: I’m coming towards my dreams, and I’m securing their place in my life. But I need to make sure that I secure my own well-being in addition to that. I need to make sure that I’m making what I love a priority, and I need to make sure that I make myself a priority. I’m one of those people that often allows themselves to get lost in the traffic of trying to take care of everyone else. I find myself to be endlessly taking care of everyone around me, and when I collapse in my bed, exhausted, I don’t even know what to do with myself. I become so overwhelmed, but don’t feel justified taking a break and doing something for myself. I.E. doing what I need to in order to keep myself healthy and happy. And right now, that’s music.

Of course, I am going to continue to write on here, but for some reason, I feel as though music is what is really calling me right now. More than anything else I’ve ever felt. I don’t know why, but I’ve never been one to ignore a gut feeling. Still, I will write here every single day, and I will write my truth. 

Because the truth is where it all began.

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Entertainer

So, I’ve noticed that I’ve been writing three blog posts a day. When did that happen? *nervous smile*

No, it’s really not a bad thing, I’m actually kind of excited. I know a lot of bloggers write once a day or certain days in the week, but I just have found a genuine love for blogging. I have loved writing for years, and now blogging is a lot of fun. I have the potential to make money at this, and if I do make money doing this, it would be incredible! I think the first thing I would do with earned money is buy another album from Fall Out Boy on iTunes and then put the rest in savings. ‘ Cause I’m cool like that.

Anyway, I discovered this morning that I am breathing a lot better, and the fires that have broken out around my area are becoming more and more contained. So happy about that.

I tend to not know what I’m going to write about when I start a new post like this, but for some reason, once I get writing, the words flow. I’m so grateful that when I’m rambling about different things I’ve noticed or musings of life, I don’t get writer’s block all that much.

So, the topic for this post: songwriting.

I’ve never thought I was a good songwriter, but for some reason, I just keep coming up with lyrics and melodies that make no sense to me and definitely no sense to anybody else. But I would like to think that someday it’ll make enough sense. I want to be a performer, an entertainer. It’s something I truly love.

But I’ve struggled, as every entertainer does. But not with the audience, which is typical. I struggle with myself.

I have had much injury to my brain throughout my life and since I live with the oxygen saturation in y blood lower than the normal range because of the nature of my heart condition, it has caused some brain damage over the years. I often have trouble processing things in a cohesive way, I have terrible memory. But I’ve noticed it mostly in my hands. I love any type of art or craft so it’s hard when my hands refuse to communicate with my brain. My handwriting is unreadable although I prefer to write by hand rather than type. Also, I love to crochet but sometimes my hands just won’t let the crochet hook and the yarn do their thing. Sometimes it looks more like a tangled mess than a scarf.

But I haven’t given up.

By far the most difficult is trying to learn to play the guitar, ukulele, and ocarina. Three instruments I have and I intend to get more.

For the longest time, I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t switch chords or even get to chords on my guitar like some beginner guitarist would. I struggle with rhythm. But I have tried since having my first guitar anonymously given to me in 2011 at Christmas. I look up to Taylor Swift as a guitarist, and it was from her online website at the time, with her name and a 13 on the head.

But despite my setbacks I’m learning musical instruments, I now know that I’m not just stupid – I have a real reason why I’m not learning these things. I thrive when I teach myself, so I will continue to work on chords and strumming, as well as just freely playing and not caring which notes I hit, (my favorite).

All I know is that someday I’m going to be an entertainer and maybe it’ll help someone like I am right now to know that I struggled with learning because of brain injury, but I got there. At least, that’s what I’d like to believe.