Love

If you ask just about anyone what they believe about love, they would probably tell you that there’s nothing better than being loved.

I disagree.

I believe there is nothing better than being the one showering another person with the love I have for them. Perhaps it’s just an individual thing, but I have never felt more joy than when I’m going out of my way to be there for someone, to show them with actions that I love them beyond anything in the world.

Because actions, to me, speak a million times louder than any words ever could. And the love I enjoy giving? Nothing elaborate. Telling that person that I love them, catching them slightly off-guard with a list of things about them that I couldn’t live without, doing small things little getting them things when they can’t do it themselves, be it handing them a water bottle when they are sick or paying for their favorite food when they are well.

Love is not a complicated thing to me. I suppose it is for a lot of people, but if I’m brutally honest? It’s only complicated when we are trying to fit our own desires into a relationship alongside the things we will or even won’t do for that other person. Because in my experience, love is always about sacrificing for that other person; never is it about receiving what we ourselves want.

Someone I deeply respect and admire told me a number of years ago that in order to be ready to commit to the person you love in marriage or another form of permanency, you have to be selfless to put them before yourself. My interpretation of this is to mean that when we put someone before ourselves, they will do the same for us, and thus begins the bond of real and true trust.

When I’m with the person I love the most (haven’t found him yet!), I want to make sure that I instill a sense of trust in our bond, and within him. I want to instill the knowledge and relief that he can rely on me for anything, no matter whether he seriously messed up and doesn’t want to hurt me, or if he needs to talk about something sacred to him that he’s never told anyone. I will never laugh at him. Name calling is not something I know how to do, and quite frankly, I’d rather spend ten years kissing and loving him than the same amount of energy holding a grudge for ten minutes.

Because love is not blind. Love is not self-serving. Love is the way you discover someone, another human being on an intimate level. And in addition to discovering them, love is about discovering yourself, because you will never truly know who you are or what you have in you until you hand over everything to that other person.

That is the essence of life. And that is the definition of love.

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Things That Make Me Smile

Things that make me smile during an awful day:

Apple cinnamon scented candles. Chocolate putting. Peach herbal tea (with lots of sugar!). Music video games. Thinking of a good future. Showing love to someone else. Reminding myself that I’m a good person. Mini things. Books. Writing. Daydreaming. Listening to my kitten purring. Flipping through magazines. Michael Jackson music. Pretty colors. Doing my makeup. Looking on online independent shops (not big retailers like Amazon or Walmart). Cooking. Baking. The scent of autumn. Thinking of holding a newborn baby. A baby’s giggle. Chocolates just for me. Singing my favorite songs loud and proud, terribly out of key.

What are some things that make you feel better on a bad day?

I Love You

I love your face, your subtle grace. The way everything you seem to ace.

I love your voice, that soft tempo with which you sing so sincerely and kindly, loving those around you.

I love your everlasting truth, and I ache with the need to hold you each time your breath is taken by pain, each time your efforts feel in vain. Because this world has not treated you right; they don’t deserve your wisdom, your freedom and flight. And it’s not okay how they fight, but not for what’s right.

I will stand by your side unlike any before me. I will walk behind you and guard your back. I will be there to wipe the tears and to take your fears. I will be there to make you laugh, to love you truly and to understand you on a level no one has before.

Because you are everything to me. To see sadness in your eyes brings tears to mine because it hurts so bad to watch you suffer. I will do anything to see that smile that shines the brightest, to face the world in their mocking of us to believe that we are freaks. Well, allow them to say what they will. I would rather be a freak than someone on the sidelines watching you weep.

It seems that I have known you for eternity; the depth within your eyes stirs everlasting love in me. There’s nothing you could do to steer me away, because I know it would only be in an effort to not be hurt again.

There’s nothing you could do in order to make me not love you. I will give everything to you in a way the rest of the world will not, and a second chance is more than what you deserve. A second chance to love and be loved. Because honey, this world doesn’t know how to love. Not in the way you do.

And if you so desired it, I would walk away, making sure to remain a support every step of the way. If you needed something, I would go without, just to see the smile in your eyes when you realize you aren’t alone.

Because there’s nothing thats more true than the fact that I love you.

Uninhibited

Uninhibited, I am someone who speaks what I want and need. In these dark hills, I walk away from greed.

Unaffected, I am the one who keeps trying, because I’m not fond of life dying.

Unreal, I reach towards the stars, knowing that my fingertips reach far.

And understanding, to know that I know exactly where I’m landing.

In this world of terror and worry, I won’t allow it to steal my flurry of love and truth, honestly something I hold so dearly to my heart.

I want to be who I am, and I will be. Because the only person I can be is me.

Light

My bare feet grace the ground with their presence; soon being filled with the essence of truth and happiness. For I walk towards the light that lifts me, that of which brings my anxiety and depression away from me. And in these steady days, I will find peace in many different ways.

As I search for ways to help others and to bring happiness to myself, I find the book of my life upon a shelf. Upon the shelf of everything I ever needed; these words I say now which were created.

Bring forth the greatest happiness you can find, for I dance with joy and unwind. Filled with flower dust and the nectar of life, there’s nothing that should bring forth strife.

And in this broken soul, I find myself mended once more. My words flowing, flowing towards the shore.

You

There’s nothing that I wouldn’t do for you; these memories you provide me with are true. They’re everything I ever could have wished for, all along this rocky shore.

Soon we’ll be apart, but like destiny we’ll be together again. Perhaps meeting you was the best part. Part of something that may never happen again.

You are what brings me solace, wisdom, peace. Your voice everything I need to hear in my struggles. Everything that takes the strain away from my poor health.

And in this deep blue, there is nothing but you. Thank you for being true, because I love you.

Never Say No

Thinking myself to burnt out, the words no longer coming to my mind. I am not burnt out, but simply having to mine for the words that line my very thoughts. I never thought I would be filled with infinite possibilities; but with disabilities.

Nothing can stop me from dancing to the renegade’s song. On my own I am strong. I make my own path, take part in my own life. Making passageways through the labyrinths that are mine. Mine and mine only. To me, they are holy.

I love who I am for once, and I will never give up this chance to do so. To my own self-love, I will never say no.

Reclaim

Struggling to speak these words of the horror that torments my mind. However, I know that these things will be okay, and my life is mine.

Listening to Celtic music and feeling sick from the weather; a dragon journal made out of leather. Filled with my thoughts and ideas, it will always be there for me in my darkest of eras.

Not knowing what to do, but knowing that nightmares cannot manifest themselves into life; it’s something that would be met with strife.

Though these things plague my very being, they will not find themselves in favor of my seeking happiness. And now with them in my mind, I will reclaim what’s mine.

My own mind.

Fulfillment

Swinging among the trees to an empty melody. I want to see time freeze as I feel this gentle breeze. Through my auburn hair and hazel eyes, I can promise that they don’t cry. For now I’ve found my solace, dancing in my own dreamland, with no worry to be had.

To understand is to experience, and to experience is to risk it all. I might surely fall, but somehow I’ve been caught in a net; one that saves my life now. I wonder how I could feel if I went all the way to not allow others to steal my happiness. They cannot instill sorrow within me.

Still burdened by things of the past, I am not yet entirely free. But this person, yes, I can be. And in the crescent moon I adore I search for fulfillment no more.

I’m a Crazy Cat Lady

I never knew animals had such personalities until we got cats. And believe me – cats are the most dramatic creatures on this planet. They say women are the most dramatic. Nope. Cats are.

To date, I have had eight cats in my lifetime. Five have passed away and we still have three (me and my family). I have a little orange kitty (he’s actually not that little) named Sunkist and he gets into everything. But I love his personality. He’s so mischievous and such a trouble maker, but he’s also super sweet. I swear he is part kangaroo for how high he can jump.

Then there is Ace. I picked him up off the street over three and a half years ago. He was absolutely feral then, but now? He’s the sweetest, most gentle thing you will ever see.

Lastly is Oreo. We call him the ‘Magic Carpet’. He’s afraid of anything and everything. He’s afraid of air basically. But the reason we call him the magic carpet is that he has very long fur, and when he sees me or my mom, he runs at the speed of light and he looks like nothing more than a shaggy carpet that is magically skidding across the floor. It’s hilarious.

They are all cats, but they are all so different. I never would have thought animals had such distinct personalities, even if they are all within the same litter! The first three we got were in the same litter and they were all vastly different.

Despite how annoying cats can be, I love them. They make me happy, they make me laugh, and I feel so safe when they’re around. I’ve even had my life saved by one of my cats. To me, there is zero shame in being a crazy cat lady! Because with each cat I Add, I get nine more lives of happiness, fun, personality, and laughter.

And I wouldn’t have it any other way.