Mother Earth

Love can be such a complicated thing. But when we really think about it…is it really that complicated?

Love is something we all speak of, something we all believe we know. Love is the butterflies in your stomach when someone touches your arm, or the happiness and complete joy you feel from doing something anonymous for someone. My mom always called those things ‘hidden trophies’.

In my life, I would like to collect as many hidden trophies as possible.

I know there are many things that I’m good at, and many things I’m not good at. There are things that I understand and things I don’t understand. But one thing I am sure of is this: I know how to love. Truly and completely from the heart. And I definitely can’t say that for everyone I know.

I am not one of those people who will put myself above others, or say that I know how to do things they don’t simply to show that I have a skill or a talent that I want to show off. No, I’m a very private person. But in my search for my self-worth these past three years as I’ve been a full-time caretaker for my mother, I have discovered one thing I do better than anything else: love. I have the ability to truly love someone from the heart, in a way that doesn’t discriminate. I am able to love someone in a way they’ve never been loved before, and I would like to believe that this translates to all walks of life.

I’ve never really been in a relationship before (not a good one, anyways) but I know that when I am, I will do everything I can to shower that person with the deepest love and passion that I possibly can. Why? Because I want them to know how grateful I am to have them in my life. I want them to know how much I love them, how broken I would be if they were suddenly gone, and most importantly, I want them to realize what they’re worth.

I want to give others the things that I was never given in my life. Other than being loved by immediate family (my mom and brother), I have never really experienced good things in my life. Very rarely have I been given good things.

This world is selfish, cut-throat, and a battle against one another. I wish it wasn’t this way. Especially when it comes to love. I have found myself wishing on more than one occasion that money itself didn’t exist. If money didn’t exist, we wouldn’t have the need to false love.

I have often wondered what it would be like without technology and without the Internet (although I love both) because I wonder if it would give us the ability to learn to stop and look at the world around us. So many things around us are dying and we don’t even notice it. We are too buried in are smartphones and our technology, our likes on Facebook and Instagram, and the latest Tweet from our favorite celebrities. Why can’t we look up, look around, and appreciate the things around us? The things around us that are likely to be gone soon, maybe even tomorrow?

When I see nature, I try to snap a picture in my mind. I try to capture it. The feel, the scent, the look of it. The rustle of leaves on a tree moving in the wind, the smell of we earth when it rains, the look of a fresh daisy, and the joy of watching how tall a sunflower can grow. These are the simple pleasures that we have foregone in an effort to find the latest and greatest things. But in reality, our world is dying, and I’m not talking about global warming. Our world is dying because we fail to look at it. We fail to genuinely stop and look at our surroundings. Haven’t we thought about the fact that the earth itself is a living being, that it could very well feel and think just as we do, but on different wavelengths? Have we ever thought of the possibility that the reason so many things on the earth are dying could be because we fail to take care of them, and instead of blossoming in her own love for herself, the earth shrivels up, ashamed of herself for the way we treat her?

I like to think of the earth as an actual person, although not a human being. Something much more. Something beyond our comprehension and understanding at this point in time. I like to believe that the earth can hear us, understand us, but that she is also crying out, asking us to stop bullying her. Is there anything we can do to make her feel better?

I have heard countless times that one person cannot change or save the world, but I don’t believe that. I believe that if I put enough effort into something, that I can change that thing for the better – and even truly save it in the process. I like to pick up garbage, to clean things, to help little critters that are injured. Does it help? Maybe not in the big picture, but it helps me to believe that we can truly respect mother earth who has so selflessly given herself for our lives.

Isn’t that the least we can do?

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Paid All My Dues

Sometimes it seems that life goes on without meaning to. It goes on, relentlessly and ruthlessly. That’s what I’ve learned, at least.

At night, I dream of a little house in the sky. Somewhere I can go to call home. It has wooden floors and herbs in planters. It has sunshine all the time and fresh air and the smell of lavender and ladders to climb up to a little bunk with books, blankets, and pillows so that I can read as I fall asleep with the sun shining on my face.

I’m always in a beautiful dress, imagining myself as a fairy. Something that – to me – means innocence. It’s an innocence that I would do anything to get back. And every time I have this dream, there’s chaos that I’m escaping from in the dream. The chaos always comes from a reflection of my real life. I escape to my Sky House, and everything will be okay.

What I wonder is if one day, I could realistically build such a house? Could I realistically build such a little sanctuary? Because even as I sit in my room, something that used to be my sanctuary, I cannot find the peace I once had. Now, all I feel is the pain as yelling and screaming permeates the entire house and I seek to find a home as I realize that the word ‘home’ has seeped out of where I now live.

Don’t get me wrong, though. I do love where I live. I do love family. But toxicity is toxicity, and it can be terrifying. Of course, if I ever make it that far – as to find my own home – I will always keep the relationships intact. However, even as I cut and bleed, cry and bitterly fall asleep at midnight – or sometimes not at all – there’s this inkling that there’s something right around the corner. Something better that’s coming my way. There’s always this thing in my heart that whispers: You’ve paid your dues. 

I will make it through anything, for I am as strong as diamond. However, right now, I don’t shine as bright. I remember someone once telling me that diamonds needed to be cut down – their rough edges taken off before they shined and glimmered like they do on TV.

Now, I realize that I am that diamond, and I’m simply having those rough edges taken off. And someday I hope to be fitted into the most beautiful ring in the world, to find the happiness I’ve always sought, and the peace that I once knew.

In This Home

In this home, I am safe. In this home, I have room to show my face. In this home that loves me for me, there is nothing that I cannot be.

In this home that tells me the truth, there’s not a thing that seems out of reach. In this home my family applauds, so there’s no need for any facade.

In this home I can just be me, everything that I ever wanted and was meant to be. With a mother who cannot be compared to a brother who loves me more than life itself, I am definitely blessed within the family realm.

And in these small due times, I will find nature’s designs. The ones that soon become mine, lining up without resistance. And soon I’ll see the fruits of my labor in my own existence, for I already am. In the night, I find myself in the gentle wind.

For that is what my home – a true home – is.