Symbolism

Behind these hazel eyes, green like the earth, brown like a bull, radiating my Taurus sign. I fit my sign more than I ever thought possible, something I used to deem impossible. But it fits me, more than I could ever see.

I am all about symbolism. Even when it comes to realism. In my everyday life, I search for symbolic things, I search for impossible themes. I take joy in noticing that there’s no such thing as coincidence and that there’s always reason for incidents. As much as it might have frustrated me in the past, it’s something that didn’t last.

Fit together with my own muse and filtered clues, I rush forward to any news pertaining to my projected dreams. They radiate from me, almost like a beam. I will be fully ready once I iron out these seams.

And now it is wonderful what I yearn to know, simply to put on a show. I want my job to be entertainment, and with my excitement, I can hardly contain it.

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What I Seek

Why I can’t fly is something I can’t deny. It’s something that was never a lie; something that wasn’t an ability I could obtain. I reach my fingertips up to the night sky, but nothing is there to tell me it’s okay. In the nothingness of the absence of light, even the stars are silent in their journeys through the universe. Even the sun is silent as it spins, and even the earth is quiet as it looms in the darkness that surrounds it. Could anything could have been easier? Or was it just created this way, just for me?

I never understood these things, so as tears fall down my face alarms in my head ring. ‘Don’t let them know’ it tells me. ‘Don’t let it show’. But how can I not, when I’m where I am, who I am, and quite obviously the person that needs to speak out? It’s not that I’m different, or special…the steps of my endeavor are difficult. The reign of everything painful is something I cannot deny; it is something I cannot pass by. It is something I promised I would never show; I promised they would never know.

Now as I watch these skies with knowing eyes I wish for myself to have my dreams. The dreams that keep me up at night, desperately trying to break free from my mind and urging my feet to move, my fingers to create something that I cannot explain. As my fingers move, I cannot understand their process, but I can understand my own motivation. And in creation is something freeing; something that can’t ever be matched by anything else.

We are human. We are born to create, just as God did. I love who I am, but can I be more? Can I create the person I was before, only better and wiser than I ever knew? Can I behold the things I know are here but cannot see? Can I understand these things that plague me as I try to navigate this world?

It’s hard to let creation flow when your own mind is telling you ‘no’. ‘Yes’, I tell it. ‘Yes, I can do this’. And as the flow of my own thoughts become a stream that turns into a river, I find myself unable to stop it. I find myself unable to quench this thirst for knowledge, for creation, for understanding, and for the ability to know what I need. The ability to create for myself these things that I have fought so hard for. These things that bring me happiness, and the writing that comes out from within my soul.

It’s as if calligraphy writes itself upon my spirit, letting the rare others who can see it know who I truly am. I fight for my own dreams, but in that fight it seems that the ground opens up from beneath my feet and erases me from history.

So here I lie, allowing my soul to become something more. Here I speak, allowing myself to become the core of something great, something wonderful. Something that is unmatchable. Something that is undeniable.

Can I stand there on that black flooring, knowing that the lyrics that ring from my heart are my true feelings, even as I know that I promised I would never utter them? Can I look in a stranger’s eyes and know that they know more about me than I’d wish, but can I deny these invisible ties that beckon me towards this fate? I need these lyrics, this song. I need something to come along, to cool the flames and allow the writing to be all that is heard within the darkness. To allow my words to speak as art and my art to speak as words. To allow myself to open up in a way I forbade, and to allow myself to love myself more than I ever believed possible.

I always knew I wanted something of this type; I never knew I’d be right. I never knew it would manifest itself within my sight because as I fight for eleven years towards these goals that I had begun to deem impossible, I find numbers rising and I find people who love and understand. I find myself dancing to beat of my own heart, and I find myself exploring the wonderland that is my own creativity. I find new lines and ties to everything I’ve ever wanted; something that was once eternally closed off. Something that has somehow now opened itself up to me and allowed me to take reign.

So, learn my name. It won’t be in vain because in these veins burns the desire of a phoenix, and in these eyes burns the passion of something deeper than the deepest ties of existence. Something deep within me burns to be known, and something deep in my mind unfolds itself from its birthplace.

Oh dreams, set me free so that I can be me. Set me free, so that everything I ever sought will be mine for eternity.

So Tired of This

I suppose this is just going to be a dump post. Something I just dump here and leave here.

I feel like I’ve been through the wringer lately. I was taken to the hospital via ambulance a week ago and now I’m finally better. Physically…but not mentally.

I just need to say it…I am so tired of being told that to be successful in a certain field that I absolutely have to do ‘xyz’, or I have no chance at being successful. It’s really hard for me to constantly hear that I’m too ambitious or that I want to do too many things. I’m tired of being told things are impossible for me or that I will never make it to where I want to be.

I’m rebellious by nature. Naturally, I’m going to do the opposite of what I’m told, just for the sake of it. That’s just who I am. But lately it’s been less irritating and more hurtful. I know I’m putting fat too much stock into what strangers on the Internet say, but it’s extremely difficult for me not to believe everything I hear. I believe everything I hear by default.

Today I cried about it, and I never cry. Not because I try not to but because I’m just not a cryer. But today, maybe I’m just sick of it all.

I don’t understand the world, and sometimes it’s all too much. I need to crawl back into my cave and let myself relax instead of worrying what the president is doing or the rioters or potential world wars that are all just too frequently seen everywhere I go that I think might be safe. I write a blog, but I don’t read many. It’s not that I can’t be bothered, it’s just that current events and politics and news genuinely scare me. They terrify me. I’m 23 and it’s almost sad if I see the world crumbling around me.

But I digress.

I’m so tired of being told to do things a certain way or I’ll ‘never make it’ to where I want to be. I want to be an entertainer, an author, a dancer, singer and songwriter. I also want to be a blogger, a YouTuber and Twitch streamer. With every one of these, we are all told the supposed ‘trade secrets of success’. To be an entertainer you need talent; to be a singer you need a good voice, to an author you need millions of readers to even hope of getting published. To be a dancer, you need to start before you’re an adult or you’re just screwed.

But what if I don’t want to do it the way I’m told to? What if I want to start dance at 23 and publish my own work in my own publishing company and just sing with my own voice and entertain with what I have? Do these things mean I’m just not allowed to have my dreams?

I’m well aware of doing it my own way and potentially being successful, and that’s what I fully intend to do. I just do not understand the world’s fascination with this formula that some have that others don’t and how apparently only those with the formula can succeed. Though, I’m absolutely positive that 95% of this formula is media crap that they want to sell as a ‘proven way’ to get where you want to go. Then they get millions and you get frustration. In short: scam.

Well, that’s all I have to say. Thanks for reading…if you did. 😉

Entertainer

So, I’ve noticed that I’ve been writing three blog posts a day. When did that happen? *nervous smile*

No, it’s really not a bad thing, I’m actually kind of excited. I know a lot of bloggers write once a day or certain days in the week, but I just have found a genuine love for blogging. I have loved writing for years, and now blogging is a lot of fun. I have the potential to make money at this, and if I do make money doing this, it would be incredible! I think the first thing I would do with earned money is buy another album from Fall Out Boy on iTunes and then put the rest in savings. ‘ Cause I’m cool like that.

Anyway, I discovered this morning that I am breathing a lot better, and the fires that have broken out around my area are becoming more and more contained. So happy about that.

I tend to not know what I’m going to write about when I start a new post like this, but for some reason, once I get writing, the words flow. I’m so grateful that when I’m rambling about different things I’ve noticed or musings of life, I don’t get writer’s block all that much.

So, the topic for this post: songwriting.

I’ve never thought I was a good songwriter, but for some reason, I just keep coming up with lyrics and melodies that make no sense to me and definitely no sense to anybody else. But I would like to think that someday it’ll make enough sense. I want to be a performer, an entertainer. It’s something I truly love.

But I’ve struggled, as every entertainer does. But not with the audience, which is typical. I struggle with myself.

I have had much injury to my brain throughout my life and since I live with the oxygen saturation in y blood lower than the normal range because of the nature of my heart condition, it has caused some brain damage over the years. I often have trouble processing things in a cohesive way, I have terrible memory. But I’ve noticed it mostly in my hands. I love any type of art or craft so it’s hard when my hands refuse to communicate with my brain. My handwriting is unreadable although I prefer to write by hand rather than type. Also, I love to crochet but sometimes my hands just won’t let the crochet hook and the yarn do their thing. Sometimes it looks more like a tangled mess than a scarf.

But I haven’t given up.

By far the most difficult is trying to learn to play the guitar, ukulele, and ocarina. Three instruments I have and I intend to get more.

For the longest time, I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t switch chords or even get to chords on my guitar like some beginner guitarist would. I struggle with rhythm. But I have tried since having my first guitar anonymously given to me in 2011 at Christmas. I look up to Taylor Swift as a guitarist, and it was from her online website at the time, with her name and a 13 on the head.

But despite my setbacks I’m learning musical instruments, I now know that I’m not just stupid – I have a real reason why I’m not learning these things. I thrive when I teach myself, so I will continue to work on chords and strumming, as well as just freely playing and not caring which notes I hit, (my favorite).

All I know is that someday I’m going to be an entertainer and maybe it’ll help someone like I am right now to know that I struggled with learning because of brain injury, but I got there. At least, that’s what I’d like to believe.

Dream-Busters

There is no shortage of dream-busters in this day and age. And by ‘dream-busters’, I’m referring to those people who tell you that you aren’t good enough for your dreams and aspirations. Everyone knows at least one of those people. In some instances, those people get across what they’re trying to say, and someone else doesn’t get their dream. This happened in the case of my mother. She wanted to be a surgeon, but my Grandpa discouraged her and said “women don’t make good doctors”, so she never pursued it. I can’t imagine how different my life would be had she pursued her passion, especially considering that I’ve had four open-heart surgeries.

But I’m straying from the topic.

I know that in my life, many people have tried to deter me from fighting for my dreams, telling me that I’m not good enough, that I can’t ever achieve something so ‘unrealistic’, or that I should go for something easier. Here’s the thing: I am a very stubborn person. I don’t easily take no for an answer (within reason), and I’m going to fight for what I want. And what is it that I want, exactly? Well, I want to be an entertainer, through and through. I want to be a writer, a singer, a dancer, an artist, a movie producer/director, an actress…and much more. The arts is something that inspires me so much and truly keeps me going, especially in my darkest moments.

Recently, I realized that the time I considered the darkest moment in my life might not be my darkest moment after all. I am in my early twenties, so it’s very possible that I will have something much worse come along. But instead of focusing on that negative, I want to focus on the present. I realized that I am no less lost in my life than I was in the day of what I considered ‘my darkest moments’. Those were the days when horrifying illnesses plagued my body and mental illnesses plagued my mind. Let’s just say I’ve been through a lot for my age, and it’s hard to see it all when you are a teenager, and finally understand it all after so many years.

But the point I’m trying to get at is that we never know where we are; at least, not exactly. We may think we’re out of the fog, but it turns out we have only just entered it. Thus, explaining why I am lost. But I’ve found joy in being lost – that is, since I’ve stopped fighting the idea of being lost in the first place. Sure, I’m lost in my life, meaning that I know what I want but I have no idea where I am in that journey or which direction to head in. I’m lost in that I sometimes don’t know who to follow and end up paving my own path. I’m lost in the way that sometimes paving my own path isn’t the right thing to do. But mostly, I feel as though I am engulfed in fog, unable to see inches in front of me. The sun is unable to shine through it, and I’m simply and frustratingly feeling around in front of me for something solid to hold onto. My depression and anxiety disorders don’t help this.

So, in my life, I’ve definitely had people tell me that I’m not good enough for my dreams. I’ve had people tell me that I actually need talent in order to make it into the world of entertainment. I’ve had people tell me that I need to learn certain things beforehand, such as how to ‘be good enough’. Then there are the people who are just unkind and tell me I’m not good enough no matter what I do. But I think there’s a lesson to be learned here: sometimes, when people try to deter us and break us down, they really are just pushing us forward.

I’m a Taurus zodiac sign, meaning that I’m the bull. This means that I am a very stubborn person and I live up to the bull’s name quite nicely. I tend to do things just to prove others wrong when they tell me I’m no good. I definitely did this as a child! I’ve been known to look someone in the eye while doing exactly what they tell me I cannot do (and thank goodness I haven’t gotten in deep trouble for it yet). So, when someone tells me that I’m never going to be good enough to make it into entertainment, of course it breaks me down at first – and sometimes their words still float around in my head – but there are those times where I just want to prove them wrong. I have a very competitive side to me, and I have to watch it so it doesn’t get out of control. But that’s beside the point.

There will always be people who try to deter me and destroy me. But maybe that’s why I was built as strong and immovable as I am. Maybe that’s why I’m the Taurus, so that I don’t back down. Looking at me, you definitely wouldn’t guess that I’m easy to anger and that I can be frightening when I do so.

As positive as I try to be, though, sometimes it all just gets to me. Sometimes I just want to lie down in my bed and cry until the storm passes. Sometimes I just want to walk away from someone in shame after them telling me all of the reasons I’m not good enough, because I’m quick to believe what I hear, especially about myself. There is definitely no shortage of doubt within me.

But in the end, I believe one thing: dream-busters will stay where they’re at while us dreamers will make it somewhere big. I love that Taylor Swift song, called ‘Mean’. The lyrics go like this:

Someday I’ll be livin’ in a big ol’ city, and all you’re ever gonna be is mean. Someday I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me, and you’ll you’re ever gonna be is mean. Why you gotta be so mean?

I’ve listened to that song more times than I can count. So, despite the people who tell me I’m no good, or the people who try to stop me, I believe that someday I will be living in that big ol’ city, and that someday I’ll be big enough so they can’t hit me. Taylor certainly has. So, why not me?

Exactly.