Writing

I write to satiate these feelings inside of me; the desire to soar up into the sky and never come down. The desire to fly into the clouds and enjoy their ever-lasting presence.

It can be very hard day-to-day, and sometimes I wonder how I’ll go on. I struggle with writing in the first place because I struggle with staying focused. But somehow writing has begun to be my solace. The place where I can come to rest, to relax, and to be truly me. I’ve never felt this world would ever truly accept me for who I am.

I have struggled all my life with being different. Perhaps that’s okay. Maybe it’s fine to be different than everyone else, and maybe it’s okay to use writing to fill up that empty feeling in my chest. But something happened that I never expected: not only does the empty feeling become filled upon writing, but it disappears completely.

When I was younger I never thought that anything could ever help me. The depression I felt, the anxiety I felt with simply walking outside because I was afraid of being criticized for everything and anything I was. I wondered if there was ever a way out, and later, I found there was. Through my words I can find a way out.

To be honest, I’m not sure why I’m writing this. But this has satiated that need within me; filled that empty space. And if someone ends up liking this and relating to it, then good. That’s something I’ll be very happy about. But I’ve come to realize that nobody has to relate to or like my writing for me to be happy with it. Writing is language that comes from your soul, and if that’s not one of the most sacred things in the world…I don’t know what is.

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Paid All My Dues

Sometimes it seems that life goes on without meaning to. It goes on, relentlessly and ruthlessly. That’s what I’ve learned, at least.

At night, I dream of a little house in the sky. Somewhere I can go to call home. It has wooden floors and herbs in planters. It has sunshine all the time and fresh air and the smell of lavender and ladders to climb up to a little bunk with books, blankets, and pillows so that I can read as I fall asleep with the sun shining on my face.

I’m always in a beautiful dress, imagining myself as a fairy. Something that – to me – means innocence. It’s an innocence that I would do anything to get back. And every time I have this dream, there’s chaos that I’m escaping from in the dream. The chaos always comes from a reflection of my real life. I escape to my Sky House, and everything will be okay.

What I wonder is if one day, I could realistically build such a house? Could I realistically build such a little sanctuary? Because even as I sit in my room, something that used to be my sanctuary, I cannot find the peace I once had. Now, all I feel is the pain as yelling and screaming permeates the entire house and I seek to find a home as I realize that the word ‘home’ has seeped out of where I now live.

Don’t get me wrong, though. I do love where I live. I do love family. But toxicity is toxicity, and it can be terrifying. Of course, if I ever make it that far – as to find my own home – I will always keep the relationships intact. However, even as I cut and bleed, cry and bitterly fall asleep at midnight – or sometimes not at all – there’s this inkling that there’s something right around the corner. Something better that’s coming my way. There’s always this thing in my heart that whispers: You’ve paid your dues. 

I will make it through anything, for I am as strong as diamond. However, right now, I don’t shine as bright. I remember someone once telling me that diamonds needed to be cut down – their rough edges taken off before they shined and glimmered like they do on TV.

Now, I realize that I am that diamond, and I’m simply having those rough edges taken off. And someday I hope to be fitted into the most beautiful ring in the world, to find the happiness I’ve always sought, and the peace that I once knew.

All I Can Rely On

It seems that I’ll never truly understand this world, and perhaps that’s the way it’s meant to be. I never knew that it would be so hard, but I’d rather have a challenge than know that I’ve accomplished little to nothing.

It was never something that I regretted, however. Fighting for the things that I desired and the things that I knew I needed. And perhaps those things would fill the empty holes in my heart. Perhaps they would heal the wounds in my soul, and extract the poison that ravages my being.

But maybe not.

It’s all yet to be seen, how this all turns out. It’s something so simple yet so complicated. Nothing I ever would have expected. The ghosts watching me with a judgmental stare and the demons leaking out of the woodworks. I’ve seen from the people that I used to look up to that I should never crumble; I should never allow myself to flatten like they did. I will never allow myself to be destroyed in that way.

At some point I wish that I could have done it all different. I look back at the memories before, and wish that I could walk backwards within time to relive them again. But when I remember the struggles I faced during those moments, I find myself wanting to stay in the present. I find myself wishing for the future, and that’s something I’ve grown accustomed to. Something that I’ve found solace in, because as these things that I used to love and used to need no longer bring comfort to me. I struggle with that fake smile on my face everyday, but it’s exactly what I said in the beginning.

I’d rather fight for what I desire and fill the holes that are in my heart than allow myself to crumble like the people that I used to put so much trust in. Perhaps I’ve learned that sometimes, all you can rely on is yourself.

Uninhibited

Uninhibited, I am someone who speaks what I want and need. In these dark hills, I walk away from greed.

Unaffected, I am the one who keeps trying, because I’m not fond of life dying.

Unreal, I reach towards the stars, knowing that my fingertips reach far.

And understanding, to know that I know exactly where I’m landing.

In this world of terror and worry, I won’t allow it to steal my flurry of love and truth, honestly something I hold so dearly to my heart.

I want to be who I am, and I will be. Because the only person I can be is me.

Gentler Creatures

These days together lately have been rough. But I find myself to be tough. Toughened by the challenges that lie in front of me, but not hardened by what they create of me.

I wish that I could’ve done better in the past, but what’s done is done. There’s nothing I can do but move on.

As I allow my face to turn towards the light with the sun to shine on my features, I will forever understand that I am one of those gentler creatures.

Light

My bare feet grace the ground with their presence; soon being filled with the essence of truth and happiness. For I walk towards the light that lifts me, that of which brings my anxiety and depression away from me. And in these steady days, I will find peace in many different ways.

As I search for ways to help others and to bring happiness to myself, I find the book of my life upon a shelf. Upon the shelf of everything I ever needed; these words I say now which were created.

Bring forth the greatest happiness you can find, for I dance with joy and unwind. Filled with flower dust and the nectar of life, there’s nothing that should bring forth strife.

And in this broken soul, I find myself mended once more. My words flowing, flowing towards the shore.

In This Home

In this home, I am safe. In this home, I have room to show my face. In this home that loves me for me, there is nothing that I cannot be.

In this home that tells me the truth, there’s not a thing that seems out of reach. In this home my family applauds, so there’s no need for any facade.

In this home I can just be me, everything that I ever wanted and was meant to be. With a mother who cannot be compared to a brother who loves me more than life itself, I am definitely blessed within the family realm.

And in these small due times, I will find nature’s designs. The ones that soon become mine, lining up without resistance. And soon I’ll see the fruits of my labor in my own existence, for I already am. In the night, I find myself in the gentle wind.

For that is what my home – a true home – is.

Never Say No

Thinking myself to burnt out, the words no longer coming to my mind. I am not burnt out, but simply having to mine for the words that line my very thoughts. I never thought I would be filled with infinite possibilities; but with disabilities.

Nothing can stop me from dancing to the renegade’s song. On my own I am strong. I make my own path, take part in my own life. Making passageways through the labyrinths that are mine. Mine and mine only. To me, they are holy.

I love who I am for once, and I will never give up this chance to do so. To my own self-love, I will never say no.

Reclaim

Struggling to speak these words of the horror that torments my mind. However, I know that these things will be okay, and my life is mine.

Listening to Celtic music and feeling sick from the weather; a dragon journal made out of leather. Filled with my thoughts and ideas, it will always be there for me in my darkest of eras.

Not knowing what to do, but knowing that nightmares cannot manifest themselves into life; it’s something that would be met with strife.

Though these things plague my very being, they will not find themselves in favor of my seeking happiness. And now with them in my mind, I will reclaim what’s mine.

My own mind.

Solid Ground

In lands far away, I see these lonely days stretch into months, years, infinity. There’s nothing I can do right now other than love myself. There’s nothing I can do but trust that it will get better.

And it will.

Trust is not something that comes easy to me, but something that fails to be. I find myself cynical of everything, questioning every word that every person says. I wonder if it’s the truth or if I’m being lied to; it’s something I’ve taught myself to do.

I’m not entirely sure how I feel about it yet. But it will come soon, I bet. The way that I’ll understand my true feelings about this world and its danger, and to let go of my anger. To be the adult I want and need to be, but to also take care of me.

So many things swirling around, it’s hard to find solid ground. It’s almost like I’m bound, destined to respond to these sounds.

Bold text and even more bold actions, I would love to be someone worth knowing with my fractions of everything that makes me who I am; a patchwork quilt of everything that makes up the organism that is ‘me’.

In these little lies, I search to find the truth among their lives. It seems tedious but wise, and I won’t ever fail to realize. These days are hard, but things will get better. That’s what tomorrows are for.

And as I’ve written these words on this blog the past few weeks, I’ve found myself happier and more at peace than I’ve ever been, thanks to the safety I feel within now to express myself in the ways that I need to; all in order to speak the truth to you.