Never Say No

Thinking myself to burnt out, the words no longer coming to my mind. I am not burnt out, but simply having to mine for the words that line my very thoughts. I never thought I would be filled with infinite possibilities; but with disabilities.

Nothing can stop me from dancing to the renegade’s song. On my own I am strong. I make my own path, take part in my own life. Making passageways through the labyrinths that are mine. Mine and mine only. To me, they are holy.

I love who I am for once, and I will never give up this chance to do so. To my own self-love, I will never say no.

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Reclaim

Struggling to speak these words of the horror that torments my mind. However, I know that these things will be okay, and my life is mine.

Listening to Celtic music and feeling sick from the weather; a dragon journal made out of leather. Filled with my thoughts and ideas, it will always be there for me in my darkest of eras.

Not knowing what to do, but knowing that nightmares cannot manifest themselves into life; it’s something that would be met with strife.

Though these things plague my very being, they will not find themselves in favor of my seeking happiness. And now with them in my mind, I will reclaim what’s mine.

My own mind.

Solid Ground

In lands far away, I see these lonely days stretch into months, years, infinity. There’s nothing I can do right now other than love myself. There’s nothing I can do but trust that it will get better.

And it will.

Trust is not something that comes easy to me, but something that fails to be. I find myself cynical of everything, questioning every word that every person says. I wonder if it’s the truth or if I’m being lied to; it’s something I’ve taught myself to do.

I’m not entirely sure how I feel about it yet. But it will come soon, I bet. The way that I’ll understand my true feelings about this world and its danger, and to let go of my anger. To be the adult I want and need to be, but to also take care of me.

So many things swirling around, it’s hard to find solid ground. It’s almost like I’m bound, destined to respond to these sounds.

Bold text and even more bold actions, I would love to be someone worth knowing with my fractions of everything that makes me who I am; a patchwork quilt of everything that makes up the organism that is ‘me’.

In these little lies, I search to find the truth among their lives. It seems tedious but wise, and I won’t ever fail to realize. These days are hard, but things will get better. That’s what tomorrows are for.

And as I’ve written these words on this blog the past few weeks, I’ve found myself happier and more at peace than I’ve ever been, thanks to the safety I feel within now to express myself in the ways that I need to; all in order to speak the truth to you.

Difference

As I cherish these things that I have, I feel for others who don’t. I wish there was a way that I could give to them, but I can’t. Because of these circumstances I found myself bound by happenstance.

I don’t want this blog to be entirely dedicated to me, I want to speak of others as well. I wish to be a humanitarian in every sense, because of the way these people fell. And because of the ache in my heart I feel when I see these things, their truths I will tell.

I know this may seem random, but I have thought of this for years. Though I stopped myself because of my own fear. The fear of being judged, but now that disappears. Because these people cry real tears.

Hopefully charity in the making, I certainly am not faking the sorrow I feel when I see another soul suffer. It’s something I wish to never see upon another.

So as I speak these things on my mind and rhyme these rhymes, I will hopefully come to the time where with these words, I can make a difference. Truly.

Change

In desolate places and derelict spaces, I see the faces of the future. Those that deserve to have their voices heard.

As I look around myself I find it hard to find what I should see: the reality of those around me. Yet I cannot, because it is covered up; something I will never truly understand.

Aches and pains and trickling rain. Although I ache for the future, I also ache for the sameness that comes about upon every nook and cranny of every alley. People of the world deserve to have their voices heard, not dismissed as they have been.

Magazines draw me in and despite my knowledge of lies in the media, I choose what I believe. I believe in the day when we can sit side by side and stay together as one. That we could have fun.

Reading these issues of the world, I wish I could help, but I find myself helpless in a situation where I have not experienced what others have. I don’t understand the discrimination, and perhaps I never can. It’s not within my hands.

Still, even as a girl with porcelain skin and green eyes, I will devise what plans I can to help those who need it. It’s not as simple as speaking about it; I want to do something.

But still I find myself within this room, attached to my sickness, attached to my lack of knowledge of the outside world.

Maybe someday, though, I’ll find a way to change the world.

Nameless

I will step forward and try to be the very best version of me. But how could I be the best version of me when that’s something even I can’t see?

As I earn my place among them, and I fight to collect these rhymes, I will have to let go of those times. The times where it seemed everything fell out of place and everything I ever needed to far for me to reach, and too painful for me to face. I’d love to be among them, as confident as a queen, as elegant as lace. And despite my worries, it will never be too late.

Two long months, it seems. An eternity to me. Perhaps these clever miracles will show me all that I’m meant to be.

Bare without a name, I write mine on the walls of a small cave among the rocky shore, something they’ll always remember when they come back for more. As I desire to be known in this way, I’ll understand that my judgment can’t sway.

There will be so many watching, waiting, and anticipating. Whether I do the right thing or mess up. I’m not willing to give it up for certainty and security. Being everything that I want to be.

And solace within me can always be the freedom I’ll always need.

Face

Wintry winds fill me with their icy breath. I often don’t know what I need, nor do I understand what I want. But I trust that it will all work itself out.

Stretching these muscles within my brain, I’ll shift my focus into another lane. For what have I to gain if I cry for things in vain?

No, sometimes I don’t know, but it’s worth a try. It’s worth the effort to take the dive. To step forward towards these things that alight my mind. They won’t always be this kind.

Crafting each word with care, I inhale cold air. As summer leaves and autumn begins, I find my patience wearing thin. But I won’t give up because I know what I’m made of. Small victories and deeper roots, this will always be my truth. Seeing to another day and another night, I count the days down till that flight. The time where I can spread my wings, with all of the peace and tears of happiness it brings. I have endured things I never thought I would, and I’ve done things I never thought could, but under this gentle hood, I will strive for what is good.

In these tears that fall from my face, I’ll find my own place. Within all these pains and fallen grace, I shall face them all with integrity and grace.

Cure

And there was no other way it could have been done. The chances were none. Save for that one; the one who knew their own worth, who knew who they were. Truly, and knowingly.

The world can’t crush you if you give no stalk into what they say. They’d have to find another way, but even after the last light of day, they will never be able to say they brought you down.

I’m discovering this more and more each day of my life. It’s almost a right of passage, to let go of that baggage and to start anew. For the only and only way I walk is the one that is true.

Divide the good from the bad, the happy from the sad, and you will be glad that you never got mad. These things you fought for won the war and even as you open this door you will surely find the cure.

Real World

Sometimes I don’t know why, but I find myself desperate to cry. To let things out, to allow myself to feel. To see if these things are indeed real. Because it seems to me that I’ve taught myself not to cry, but for now I’ll try.

As past laughter echoes in my mind, and things like being made fun of aren’t struggles that are solely mine, I want to find that line, the one that allows a person to cry without facing judgment. Without facing torment.

I feel the scars from when I was younger, just a teenager, crying from my open wounds. And for now this pain of mine will be held within me. I remember the times that I tried not to cry and failed, but now I’m seeing things I’ve never seen before. I’m seeing these things that the real world has taught me; not the world of teenagers who are in the ‘popular group’ with the ringleader who pretends to be your friend and then stabs you behind your back.

No, this is the real world. In the real world, people cry. In the real world, people die. In the real world we don’t laugh at each other for the tears that leave our eyes and even though I might not be educated much on a formal level, I have an education of life experience that those my age rarely are allowed to see. And even though these things within me that bring this real world experience hurt, I will never let go of them because they are part of me, now and forever.

The physical heart that I was born with, facing life and death every day. The lungs that were underdeveloped when I was born are frayed. The kidneys that don’t work as well as they could, and the liver that works less than it should. The body that is pulled together by the strings of God and faith alike, I will never be able to thank Him enough for my life.

Because of these things that doctors have told me I should not be alive. These things that diagnose me to die. These are the things that the real world brings me, the things that help me to know what it’s like to have depth and reality to your character, not just your Instagram profile or your pretenders who you act with alike.

I never understood the boom of social media, but perhaps that’s because I live in a world where things take more precedence than an online persona. Still, I can find myself caught up within its grasp, but sometimes it’s all to easy to crawl out of its depths. All I need to do is not care what it thinks – or what others think – and it has no hold on me. The person that I want to be can simply be. The person that is simply me.

So as this laughter that rings in my head from so many years ago as tears fell, I won’t allow them to tell me how to live my life. Because, even though we may be different, I don’t look down on them as they looked down on me. It is simple character that everyone can see. And in the real world these things don’t matter much.

For me these little miracles, my heart they will always touch.

For Now

In love with their little eyes, I see no lies. In various colors of green and orange and blue, I am captured by the hue. They may be nothing other than felines to others, but to me, they are a lifeline.

I love to watch them in their own little personalities. I love to see their own originality. I have met so many in my life, yet no two are the same. I love picking out their name.

And now, I will dedicate myself to saving the lives of those that are lost and hurt because there was nothing more rewarding than watching my cat Ace become filled with love and happiness after all of the pain he endured for five years on the street.

I yearn to create a sanctuary for them so that I may save the ones that need to be saved, though I don’t have the ability to do so right now. But eventually I will do everything I can to fulfill that vow.

And as they may seem simple or even annoying, they have saved my life in more ways than one. There’s no way I could truly thank them for loving me unconditionally, so I will do what I can to give them a home and the same love in return.

For now, it’s all I can do.