Daycare

Hello! First, I would like to apologize for not posting anything yesterday. I was volunteering for a friend to help her with this new job for a preschool she’s helping with and it was around midnight when we were done! Whew!

Anyway, I’ve been thinking a lot. My mom ran a Daycare for five years, and it was wonderful. At the time though, I was a teenager, and naturally I hated it. I didn’t like that the kids were encroaching on my territory. I even look back at those days and I’m ashamed as to how I acted around them and ashamed of the things I said about the Daycare. It was my mom’s dream job, but we had to do it out of our house, and it was very difficult. I just wanted to feel like I was living in a home, not a business. But we ended up having to shut down for various reasons. Now, I’m thinking about my future. There are so many things that I want to do in my life. I want to be an entertainer, I want (maybe) to be an author, and I was going to give myself two years to decide. But now I’m wondering if I should give myself longer than two years to decide.

There’s this home that I want in another state, and it’s pretty expensive, but I won’t give it up for anything. There’s a lot about the home and property that means a lot to me, although I’d rather not get into those reasons. Now, I’m starting to wonder if I should give up on that property and stay here where I am. Of course, that answer is no. I’m going to save up money and buy the property. It’s too special for me. The person who owned it before saved my life. The rest is hard to explain.

So, I’m thinking about making money with writing here on this blog, streaming on Twitch.tv, and maybe doing a YouTube channel, and selling my art, becoming a professional artist. I’m going to build a nice business building (not too big but big enough) for my mom to restart her Daycare with her friend that helped her start the older one. I definitely want to be part of it this time. There’s a lot of incentive. I want to learn how to take care of kids because I eventually want to go into foster care, and be a foster mom. I also think it would be nice to give older kids lessons in foreign languages.

Anyway, I’m straying from my main point. My point is that I’m conflicted; I want to go to that property in another state and live there, but I don’t want to be away from my mom. I know that sounds silly, but because of my health condition, I’ve lived a harsh life and she’s the only person that has always been there for me. I don’t want to be away from her because she’s sick right now and she needs my help. In addition, I don’t want to look back one day and realize that I lost the time I had left with my mom while I was chasing my dreams. I love my mom, and I don’t want to be away from her, because we are more closely connected than most mother/daughter pairs. I’m serious about that; I’ve been told that by countless people who have observed how my mom and I can speak without even opening our mouths. We can communicate with looks, and since we clung to each other for survival during my childhood, we know each other well and we have horrible memories together as well as miracles together. It’s different than most families.

So, I want to stay where I am, but I want to go away to another place. It’s conflicting. But the one thing I do know is this: I’m definitely going to stay where I am for a while, even if I end up buying the property, I won’t move in immediately. I want to be there for her Daycare, and I want to help with teaching the kids, helping with the children, and doing little summer programs as well as holiday programs. It’s something that is now a part of me, and I never would have gotten there without having had lived with the Daycare for five years when I was a teenager. It’s part of my life and it is integrated into who I am as a person. Despite my desire to be an entertainer (which I will always strive for), I also have it ingrained in me to look after children and be a foster mother. I want to help children that are hurting, and I’ve even considered being a teacher.

But with all of this looming over me, I feel like I’ve already made my decision: I’m going to move away, but I will visit often. I will be a foster mother, and I will work at the Daycare for a long time before I do. I hope to live a long life, so hopefully I’ll have time to do everything I want to do.

I’m sorry if this post seems really strange and pointless, but this is what I can come up with after hours and hours of lesson planning for three-year-olds! All I can do is know that I will received the opportunity to live out every dream I have. I truly know that. It’s just a part of who I am.

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Chaos

Chaos is cold, and calculating. Abandoning its victims within chains of sorrow and ruin. A lot of us try to fight this, but it doesn’t need to be fought. What would we be without chaos? How would we know the good without the bad? How could we know the happiness without sorrow and disorder? Though it’s not that simple. Rarely is anything ever that simple.

What do I need to do to maintain order? What do we need to do to understand one another? It is so simple, yet so overdrawn with lines and solutions to problems that don’t exist when we try to get along with each other. It should be simple. We are all human beings. We all feel the same things, experience things in a similar way, and we can help each other understand why we fight. But first, in order to accept each other…

…we need to accept ourselves.

This Life Called ‘Freakshow’

Sometimes life isn’t as simple as just living it. Sometimes you have to do more than just that. Sometimes you have to wade through the water of your deepest fears, make your way through the storms of your greatest pain in order to end up where you want. Sometimes it’s not as simple as just being here, on this earth, and wanting what you want, and getting what you get. Sometimes you just need to handle things as they are.

That’s something I’ve discovered recently. I need to handle things as they are. I need to understand things as they are before I can have any hope of changing them; before I can ever make it to what I want to be, and who I want to be. It’s something that I think about a lot.

I call this life a Freakshow, because quite personally, that’s how I view it. It’s a Freakshow filled with monsters and circuses; things that go bump in the night. But I’m starting to sort through those things. But even if I sort through everything, put them all in their individual labels, and find a way to make them stay, it still won’t be anything other than a Freakshow. But do you know what the wonderful thing about a Freakshow is? You can be whatever you want. You can dress, act, and proceed like anything you want. You can be something in a fantasy, a fairy in a field full of flowers. Or, you could be something more sinister.

I find my Freakshow to consist of fears, doubts, and worries. But I’m sure everybody’s does. Of course, although we are all different, we also very similar. And though it may seem weird, but being similar is what sets us apart. It’s what helps us be the individuals that we are. We don’t notice things that are all the same. We do notice things with slight differences.

So, what does all of this mean? Well…I suppose I’m still figuring that out myself.