Write My Truth

Write your truth. 

I pray a lot. I feel like, in the world – especially here in the United States – it is nearly forbidden to speak about God or anything of the like. Of course we aren’t hurt physically by speaking of Him, but we are yelled at, made fun of, and told that it’s absolutely inappropriate, among other things. But I pray more than three times a day, because it is my solace. It is everything to me. I have turned my face towards Him and now my depression and anxiety aren’t so incredibly difficult.

I always wondered what it would be like to reach the goals that I’ve set for myself. I still wonder, because I haven’t reached them yet. I still wonder what it would be like to get out of a tour bus at a gas station and look up at the stars in the night sky. I still wonder what it would be like to even live on a tour bus – a dream come true for me, because I love to travel, and I don’t care where I sleep, so long as I have a warm blanket.

I want so badly to be a singer. I want so badly to be an entertainer. And I’m working towards it. I’m working towards writing my own music and breaking into that field with all my might. I’m also doing it with writing, but perhaps not as strongly.

I found that as I wrote on here, I wasn’t writing my truth. I wasn’t necessarily writing what I wanted to write, or what I felt like writing. I thought I was burnt out, but really I just didn’t feel connected to what I wrote. And to write my truth…that’s the answer I received in a prayer when I asked what I needed to do concerning this blog. Write my truth.

So, I suppose this is my truth: I’m coming towards my dreams, and I’m securing their place in my life. But I need to make sure that I secure my own well-being in addition to that. I need to make sure that I’m making what I love a priority, and I need to make sure that I make myself a priority. I’m one of those people that often allows themselves to get lost in the traffic of trying to take care of everyone else. I find myself to be endlessly taking care of everyone around me, and when I collapse in my bed, exhausted, I don’t even know what to do with myself. I become so overwhelmed, but don’t feel justified taking a break and doing something for myself. I.E. doing what I need to in order to keep myself healthy and happy. And right now, that’s music.

Of course, I am going to continue to write on here, but for some reason, I feel as though music is what is really calling me right now. More than anything else I’ve ever felt. I don’t know why, but I’ve never been one to ignore a gut feeling. Still, I will write here every single day, and I will write my truth. 

Because the truth is where it all began.

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In This Moment

In this moment, I remember buses and blue lights. I remember the night sky. I remember the stars that shone down on me in that moment, begging me to come meet them, and let them know how much I loved them.

In this moment, I remember all of those dreams I had blindly as a child, so naively filled with joy and excitement. In this moment, I remember the last eleven years of trying to create my own music, and trying to make it through writing and music. And in this moment, I will remember how this has changed me. How this night has changed me.

Everything I need is here, and everything I ever needed is something that sits within my palms at this very moment. And there’s nothing that can hold me back. There’s nothing that can stop me from finding this glory, this grace, and to see their smiling faces.

I want to know what fans of mine would want. But I need to create music first. I know I have an audience. As hard as it is for me to learn to play the guitar because of brain injuries I’ve had in the past, it’s nothing that will get in my way; nothing that will stop me from getting where I want to be.

And someday, when I’m on tour, I will look up at those lights in the stadium, just like the lights of the night sky so many years ago. And I will look up at them, knowing I’m under the same sky, but I’m a very different person. And this different person has been through grace, through anger, through shame, through sorrow, through sadness, pain, madness, and so much more. But most importantly, in this moment, for me…there is so much more.

Midnight Dance

In these days, they pass in a filtered haze. There’s nothing that can stop them, and there’s nothing I can do but simply go through with them, watching the time pass endlessly. But even in the dead of night when I suspect myself to be broken, I find myself awoken with the urge to dance. The urge to play music, no matter how difficult it might be. No matter how strange it might sound. Because in these broken melodies, there is a reason these seasons go ’round.

Cellos and violins creating the perfect background to my midnight dance, I will blow into the ocarina and fall into a trance. Finding my own soul deep within, I find my reality wearing thin. Now all that surrounds me is fantasy. Strings and woodwork, drums and woodwinds. A viola that just seems to know the correct notes to play to cause my heart to soar. It’s in these moments that I desire more.

The strange ability to find these instruments dancing around me in an eternal trance. In the air they are ghostly, playing themselves in my deepest dreams. No more nightmares, no more fears. Only music that heals the heart and resurrects the soul. Something I’ve worked so hard to find; something that will forever be mine.

And as I dance to this aimless beat of music that sings to my ears, I will remember this day in years to come. I will remember these things and the way they felt. The way the cold wooden floor grazed against my bare feet; the way the air around me bit my skin every so slightly with the chill of a winter’s night. But still, I am asleep. Asleep in my might. May I never find anything to destroy this dance. May I never have to find reality again. Because as these snowflakes fall outside the broken-down windows, I will forever be as a willow. Thin and wispy, elegant and regal.

And when I finally do awake from this trance, the world is different. I find melodies everywhere I go, and that is everything I need to show that music is everything this world needs in order to find peace. Adjust your mind to the beat, for it will change your life forever.