Accepting things can be difficult, if not impossible. Especially when these things you need to accept are some of your greatest fears.
I have always had a slew of fears regarding my physical health, because I was born with three major organs being chronically ill. I’ve been very sick my entire life, but now at 23 years old, the reality sets in. It’s not just my organs that are in danger, but other parts of my body as well that are considered disposable.
I discovered a long time ago that when the body is fighting to provide for a failing organ – let alone three failing organs – that it will give up on what is considered ‘superficial’, such as teeth and finger and toe nails. But there are other things the body will also give up – the senses of sight and hearing.
As I am already aware that my sight has been on a steep decline, it has always been a paralyzing fear of mine to be blind. How would I write? Sketch? See my loved ones? Now it’s a reality that I need to come to terms with – something I had always thought I could avoid. The same can and probably will happen for my hearing. To be deaf is scary enough, but to be deaf and blind at the same time is terrifying. I’m only 23 years old, and I have my entire life ahead of me. Still though, I don’t consider it over.
I don’t see acceptance as weakness; I see it as noble. To accept your deepest fears, allow them to happen and then to keep moving forward is something I am fortunately pretty good at.
It’s not easy to accept these things, and there is certainly no shortage of tears. But if I do end up losing these portions of myself, I know I will gain others in the long run.
And who knows? Maybe they will end up healing. Or…maybe even with these challenges I can be the one in a million that makes it work. A blind painter. A deaf singer. A dancer who has always struggled to move. It has happened before, so who is to say it won’t happen again?
I know that this industry is cut-throat. The industry in which I have fought to inhabit. In these hazy days behind these words that stay; I can throw away my inhibitions.
I know that entertainment is like balancing on the top of a knife, stepping so light with the fear of getting sliced. But I don’t have to worry about it, because cuts on me heal faster than they could ever bleed.
I know wanting to be a singer and every other ambition I have is extremely difficult. It might even seem impossible, something that I’ve been told to give up and go for something more ‘practical’. But the thought of knowing my determination for this is factual.
And even in my worst fears, I’ll hold myself dear because I already hear the warnings in my mind. Still, I ignore them because this is truly what I’m born for. I’m born to fight, and I was born to follow these trails.
So, perhaps one day I’ll look back and tell the tale.
So, small update. Going to the Dr tomorrow so I won’t be able to write as much. Anyway, moving on.
I thought I’d talk about some of things I’m interested in/want to do. *deep breath* here we go.
I want to eventually start a YouTube channel where I do various things such as talk about books (it’s called BookTube; a channel completely dedicated to books). I also want to do covers of me singing some of my favorite songs, and they will be studio quality because I plan on building a studio and learning countless musical instruments. Next, I want to do let’s plays which are basically where you record yourself playing video games (one of my passions) and put in on YouTube. It’s very popular.
Next, I want to livestream different things on my Twitch channel, like art and video games that I prefer to play live.
I’m very interested in writing right now (obviously) and I have so many little ideas for potential novels, and I’m going to work on those.
I’ve been really into Fall Out Boy lately; I just discovered their music. And I love it. I’m also really excited about finding really talented YouTubers because I would like to start a record label and sign artists who have never been signed before and I love their music.
Finally, I want to start a charity and do everything I can for those in need.
Well, I’ve got a lot more than that, but that’s all I’m going to include in this post. I’m sorry for this post being a little jumbled up, I am exhausted.
Thanks for reading. I definitely will be discussing more ambitions later on.