Writing

Originally, I never wanted to be a writer. I detested reading, and I wasn’t the least bit interested in learning enough in English class to learn how to write a proper paragraph.

To be honest, I never chose to start writing, I was more forced into it than anything. I had an acquaintance when I was twelve, one I considered my best friend at the time.

Having dealt with much bullying in my life, it wasn’t unusual for others to laugh at me, make fun of me, or make me do something I didn’t want to do. That would be everything that this individual did. She pushed me into reading, even though I hated it. She Manase me write stories, even though I had no interest in the activity.

I thought all of this was normal.

As the years went by and the abuse from this person continued, I set my sights on being an author. A published author. I spent twelve years writing and re-writing a book that I was never satisfied with. Then, one day, this person disappeared. It only came to my attention years later that my mom intervened and forbid her to speak to me or come anywhere near our house.

Thank goodness for wonderful, intuitive mothers.

Years after that, I continued to write, but it was only within the last two months that I discovered the true reason I was writing: to prove that I had worth. To show I was worth something. Then, the second realization came to me. It wasn’t that individual that I was trying to prove this to, I was trying to prove it to myself.

It’s interesting how our minds wrap us in lies and false desires to protect ourselves from the nature of abuse and being bullied.

Now, I love writing. It is a passion of mine. So, I often ask myself: if I had never ran into that person and suffered so many years, would I have never found an actual passion for writing?

I don’t know. All I know is that the past is in the past and that success is the best revenge.

And that’s good enough for me.

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Simply Human

I was born with a chronic illness, meaning that I was born sick and that I’m going to have that sickness until I die. There is no cure. But beyond that and because of that, people have treated me differently my whole life.

For as long as I can remember, my self-esteem has been down in the dumps, and I only learned yesterday why this has been the case.

I love to look up quotes, and so I looked up ‘gentleman quotes’ or something like that because I like to see the men out there who still have chivalry and respect. But I came across one quote in particular that nearly brought me to tears. I didn’t see it as a list of things a gentleman should do, but rather a small list of what we should do for each other to treat everyone as a human being. And I realized something.

I have never been treated as a human being.

I have been bullied all my life by teachers, students, friends, therapists, etc. who should have known better. I have always wondered to myself why people don’t treat me as a person, but rather a fragile object that no one wants to go around.

But I realized yesterday and today that I don’t deserve that. I deserve to be treated like the human being that I am. And that is empowering.

So, this was less of a topic and more of a stream of consciousness. Also, a very candid self-reflection. I’ve been doing that a lot lately; reflecting on myself and my life.

Don’t ever let anyone in your life treat you less than the living, breathing human that you are. Because you deserve so much more.

Imperfect

It doesn’t matter how imperfect you are, or how imperfect you may feel, you are perfect to me.

There are things in this world that are unacceptable, and to hurt someone because they don’t live up to your definition of ‘perfect’ is one of them.

Fly little bird. Take your flight, because the ways everyone treat you are not right. Please remember that I will always be there, smiling from the ground, urging you to soar into the heavens.

You cry because you are not the perfect you are expected to be; I cry because I cannot bear to see the sadness behind your eyes, or bear to understand the reason why. You are so wonderful, so beautiful, a masterpiece of your own design. How is it that you don’t love your own smile when it shines brighter than mine?

Your eyes have the depth of a soul who has seen the true darkness of the world, and yet your actions reflect the innocence you keep within your heart.

Please try not to cry my darling, and look up to the sky. Sure, rain may be falling, but do you see the glisten on those droplets of water? The sweet scent of wet earth and the feeling of a fresh start? That is what you are. You may not see it, but you are my fresh start.

I have searched all my life for someone to understand me, and yet you seem to know me for the eternity we must have spent together that neither of us remember. I have glimpses of you clothed in brilliant white, sitting on the grass in the light.

So allow me to lay this here: you will forever be my dear.

I Love You

I love your face, your subtle grace. The way everything you seem to ace.

I love your voice, that soft tempo with which you sing so sincerely and kindly, loving those around you.

I love your everlasting truth, and I ache with the need to hold you each time your breath is taken by pain, each time your efforts feel in vain. Because this world has not treated you right; they don’t deserve your wisdom, your freedom and flight. And it’s not okay how they fight, but not for what’s right.

I will stand by your side unlike any before me. I will walk behind you and guard your back. I will be there to wipe the tears and to take your fears. I will be there to make you laugh, to love you truly and to understand you on a level no one has before.

Because you are everything to me. To see sadness in your eyes brings tears to mine because it hurts so bad to watch you suffer. I will do anything to see that smile that shines the brightest, to face the world in their mocking of us to believe that we are freaks. Well, allow them to say what they will. I would rather be a freak than someone on the sidelines watching you weep.

It seems that I have known you for eternity; the depth within your eyes stirs everlasting love in me. There’s nothing you could do to steer me away, because I know it would only be in an effort to not be hurt again.

There’s nothing you could do in order to make me not love you. I will give everything to you in a way the rest of the world will not, and a second chance is more than what you deserve. A second chance to love and be loved. Because honey, this world doesn’t know how to love. Not in the way you do.

And if you so desired it, I would walk away, making sure to remain a support every step of the way. If you needed something, I would go without, just to see the smile in your eyes when you realize you aren’t alone.

Because there’s nothing thats more true than the fact that I love you.

Burned Bridges

Sometimes the people closest to you burn bridges, and there’s no reason why. There’s no point in burning the bridge that leads toward the person who has given you the most.

I have seen someone I love tormented and manipulated and thrown down by someone they love, but now that relationship is over (and no, it was not romantic).

I truly don’t understand the need to make a cruel statement through obscene actions and harsh words, and I really don’t understand cruelty and I hope I never will.

For those that have burned their bridges with you, do yourself a favor and don’t rebuild that bridge. For me it is only under extremely specific and special circumstances that I will allow someone to regain my trust. Genuinely, we need to make a real effort to try to understand each other, and go out of our way to be kind. I hope that by truly loving from the heart that I can change the lives of many. So can you.

Love others, treat them with the respect they don’t give you, not as a reflection of their person but of yours. But most importantly: don’t rebuild the bridges they burn. Not only have they stopped you from coming near them by burning them, but they have done you a favor as well – they have with which to hold onto to come back and ever hurt you again. That is what I call and consider a tender mercy.

My Start With Writing

I worry often that my writing is not good enough. I know I’ve said this before, but I have a bad habit of repeating, something I wish I could get rid of. But it has been proven to me with this blog that my writing is good and can be powerful. It was an acquaintance of mine who got me writing – and then convinced me that everything I wrote was less than worthy of her time. It was trash compared to what they wrote.

I met this person at twelve years old and I knew them for years. Even though they got me into writing, they also convinced me that everything I did wasn’t good enough. Eventually, I saw how toxic this person was, but not before they shamelessly pushed me to the point of being suicidal. Since then, I have been in near-constant therapy and my wonderful mother went and spoke to this individual, telling them that they were no longer welcome in our home and that they were to never speak to me again.

I don’t entirely know why I felt pressed to tell this story, but I did. Lastly, I just want to say that you don’t have to listen to anyone who is cruel to you, because I’ve recently learned that a person’s cruelty is a reflection of themselves, not you, or what they might say about you.

Even when I speak of this person, I avoid using their name because as terrible as it seems, to me they don’t deserve to be referred to by their name. They nearly destroyed me, but I thankfully came out on the other side.

I will never understand cruelty. The motivation behind it, the way others think it’s right to act that way. I will never understand it, sans I hope that upon reading this that you can possibly shut a toxic person out of your life as well.

Dream-Busters

There is no shortage of dream-busters in this day and age. And by ‘dream-busters’, I’m referring to those people who tell you that you aren’t good enough for your dreams and aspirations. Everyone knows at least one of those people. In some instances, those people get across what they’re trying to say, and someone else doesn’t get their dream. This happened in the case of my mother. She wanted to be a surgeon, but my Grandpa discouraged her and said “women don’t make good doctors”, so she never pursued it. I can’t imagine how different my life would be had she pursued her passion, especially considering that I’ve had four open-heart surgeries.

But I’m straying from the topic.

I know that in my life, many people have tried to deter me from fighting for my dreams, telling me that I’m not good enough, that I can’t ever achieve something so ‘unrealistic’, or that I should go for something easier. Here’s the thing: I am a very stubborn person. I don’t easily take no for an answer (within reason), and I’m going to fight for what I want. And what is it that I want, exactly? Well, I want to be an entertainer, through and through. I want to be a writer, a singer, a dancer, an artist, a movie producer/director, an actress…and much more. The arts is something that inspires me so much and truly keeps me going, especially in my darkest moments.

Recently, I realized that the time I considered the darkest moment in my life might not be my darkest moment after all. I am in my early twenties, so it’s very possible that I will have something much worse come along. But instead of focusing on that negative, I want to focus on the present. I realized that I am no less lost in my life than I was in the day of what I considered ‘my darkest moments’. Those were the days when horrifying illnesses plagued my body and mental illnesses plagued my mind. Let’s just say I’ve been through a lot for my age, and it’s hard to see it all when you are a teenager, and finally understand it all after so many years.

But the point I’m trying to get at is that we never know where we are; at least, not exactly. We may think we’re out of the fog, but it turns out we have only just entered it. Thus, explaining why I am lost. But I’ve found joy in being lost – that is, since I’ve stopped fighting the idea of being lost in the first place. Sure, I’m lost in my life, meaning that I know what I want but I have no idea where I am in that journey or which direction to head in. I’m lost in that I sometimes don’t know who to follow and end up paving my own path. I’m lost in the way that sometimes paving my own path isn’t the right thing to do. But mostly, I feel as though I am engulfed in fog, unable to see inches in front of me. The sun is unable to shine through it, and I’m simply and frustratingly feeling around in front of me for something solid to hold onto. My depression and anxiety disorders don’t help this.

So, in my life, I’ve definitely had people tell me that I’m not good enough for my dreams. I’ve had people tell me that I actually need talent in order to make it into the world of entertainment. I’ve had people tell me that I need to learn certain things beforehand, such as how to ‘be good enough’. Then there are the people who are just unkind and tell me I’m not good enough no matter what I do. But I think there’s a lesson to be learned here: sometimes, when people try to deter us and break us down, they really are just pushing us forward.

I’m a Taurus zodiac sign, meaning that I’m the bull. This means that I am a very stubborn person and I live up to the bull’s name quite nicely. I tend to do things just to prove others wrong when they tell me I’m no good. I definitely did this as a child! I’ve been known to look someone in the eye while doing exactly what they tell me I cannot do (and thank goodness I haven’t gotten in deep trouble for it yet). So, when someone tells me that I’m never going to be good enough to make it into entertainment, of course it breaks me down at first – and sometimes their words still float around in my head – but there are those times where I just want to prove them wrong. I have a very competitive side to me, and I have to watch it so it doesn’t get out of control. But that’s beside the point.

There will always be people who try to deter me and destroy me. But maybe that’s why I was built as strong and immovable as I am. Maybe that’s why I’m the Taurus, so that I don’t back down. Looking at me, you definitely wouldn’t guess that I’m easy to anger and that I can be frightening when I do so.

As positive as I try to be, though, sometimes it all just gets to me. Sometimes I just want to lie down in my bed and cry until the storm passes. Sometimes I just want to walk away from someone in shame after them telling me all of the reasons I’m not good enough, because I’m quick to believe what I hear, especially about myself. There is definitely no shortage of doubt within me.

But in the end, I believe one thing: dream-busters will stay where they’re at while us dreamers will make it somewhere big. I love that Taylor Swift song, called ‘Mean’. The lyrics go like this:

Someday I’ll be livin’ in a big ol’ city, and all you’re ever gonna be is mean. Someday I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me, and you’ll you’re ever gonna be is mean. Why you gotta be so mean?

I’ve listened to that song more times than I can count. So, despite the people who tell me I’m no good, or the people who try to stop me, I believe that someday I will be living in that big ol’ city, and that someday I’ll be big enough so they can’t hit me. Taylor certainly has. So, why not me?

Exactly.