Burned Bridges

Sometimes the people closest to you burn bridges, and there’s no reason why. There’s no point in burning the bridge that leads toward the person who has given you the most.

I have seen someone I love tormented and manipulated and thrown down by someone they love, but now that relationship is over (and no, it was not romantic).

I truly don’t understand the need to make a cruel statement through obscene actions and harsh words, and I really don’t understand cruelty and I hope I never will.

For those that have burned their bridges with you, do yourself a favor and don’t rebuild that bridge. For me it is only under extremely specific and special circumstances that I will allow someone to regain my trust. Genuinely, we need to make a real effort to try to understand each other, and go out of our way to be kind. I hope that by truly loving from the heart that I can change the lives of many. So can you.

Love others, treat them with the respect they don’t give you, not as a reflection of their person but of yours. But most importantly: don’t rebuild the bridges they burn. Not only have they stopped you from coming near them by burning them, but they have done you a favor as well – they have with which to hold onto to come back and ever hurt you again. That is what I call and consider a tender mercy.

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Bullies

I have experienced a lot in my life and have definitely learned a lot within the last year. I’ve learned a lot about love, about how to love and about what to do when situations go awry. I am only twenty-three years old, but I’d like to think I’ve got some of this figured out.

I remember making a big fuss here on this blog almost a year ago about how I was bullied on The Swift Life, or TSL for short. But now as I look back, I see how I should have handled the situation. Though of course, at the time I was young and could not have understood what I do now.

People have told me that bullies are nothing but cowards, and that cyber-bullies are nothing but cowards hiding behind a computer screen. I have never really believed that. It has taken me a while to articulate, but here is what I believe:

Have you ever said something in your life that you regret? Have you ever lashed out in hurt? Most likely. We all have. Does that make you a bully? No.

I don’t believe that bullies are cowards sitting behind computer screens, or the jock in the high school locker room. I believe that bullies are living, breathing human beings who are truly suffering just as much as we are, and though we may not see it through damaged pride and hurt feelings, as well as shame, everyone is only human. Some of us turn our pain inwards while some of us lash out. We all feel the exact same things, more or less. The rest is attributed to ignorance or lack of education.

I’ve never believed that bullies are terrible people, because we have all been something of a bully at some point in our lifetime. I think – or rather, know – that if we make an effort to react with love and understanding, not only will it confuse the bully…but it might just show them their worth.

Everyone is human, and everyone shows pain in different ways. Does that mean we should ostracize them? No. We should educate them in a simple and sufficient manner.

If we do so, this world might just be a better place yet.

Irreplaceable

It’s amazing how such a small action from someone that you don’t even speak to anymore can hurt so much. These smallest little details that can reach under our skin and act like table salt against a wound. These small encounters are what makes life so hard when we are young.

Society tells us that we must be liked, loved, appreciated, admired and more by everyone around us. If not, we are worthless in society’s eyes.

I’ve never much liked society and its views, and as I’ve gotten older I’ve happily rejected it. If it weren’t for certain circumstances, I would happily live in the wilderness. Why? Because it is so much simpler.

If I had a small cabin hundreds of miles away from any form of modernized civilization, I think I would have an easier time finding my happiness. Coming from someone who has experienced mostly bullying and pain in my life, it would be a great joy to remain within my own solitude.

Since I was a child I have dreamed of having my own ranch of sorts. I have dreamed of being self sufficient through all of my needs. Food, water, shelter, clothing, education, etc. I have also dreamed of living on my own island…but perhaps that wouldn’t be the greatest idea at the moment as I struggle with my physical health and rely on modern medicine.

I digress. My apologies.

If society were a more welcoming and peaceful place, perhaps I wouldn’t be so keen to avoid it. We are taught from infancy that the smallest smile, eye roll, or even just the way someone looks at us completely determines our worth, inside and out. I have struggled with self worth all my life. I’m getting better at it. I hope.

But in this little cluttered post, I don’t know who needs to hear this, but I’ll say it just for you: it doesn’t matter what others think of you, say to you, or say about you. You are worth it. Let me repeat that.

You are worth it. And if they can’t see that, they don’t deserve the irreplaceable company, smile, and personality that you bring everywhere with you. And as far as I’m concerned….it’s their loss. And a great loss of theirs indeed, because of we were all to be a little more open-minded towards each other maybe we could see how irreplaceable every soul truly is, realizing that our own is just as special.

Solid Ground

In lands far away, I see these lonely days stretch into months, years, infinity. There’s nothing I can do right now other than love myself. There’s nothing I can do but trust that it will get better.

And it will.

Trust is not something that comes easy to me, but something that fails to be. I find myself cynical of everything, questioning every word that every person says. I wonder if it’s the truth or if I’m being lied to; it’s something I’ve taught myself to do.

I’m not entirely sure how I feel about it yet. But it will come soon, I bet. The way that I’ll understand my true feelings about this world and its danger, and to let go of my anger. To be the adult I want and need to be, but to also take care of me.

So many things swirling around, it’s hard to find solid ground. It’s almost like I’m bound, destined to respond to these sounds.

Bold text and even more bold actions, I would love to be someone worth knowing with my fractions of everything that makes me who I am; a patchwork quilt of everything that makes up the organism that is ‘me’.

In these little lies, I search to find the truth among their lives. It seems tedious but wise, and I won’t ever fail to realize. These days are hard, but things will get better. That’s what tomorrows are for.

And as I’ve written these words on this blog the past few weeks, I’ve found myself happier and more at peace than I’ve ever been, thanks to the safety I feel within now to express myself in the ways that I need to; all in order to speak the truth to you.

Change

In desolate places and derelict spaces, I see the faces of the future. Those that deserve to have their voices heard.

As I look around myself I find it hard to find what I should see: the reality of those around me. Yet I cannot, because it is covered up; something I will never truly understand.

Aches and pains and trickling rain. Although I ache for the future, I also ache for the sameness that comes about upon every nook and cranny of every alley. People of the world deserve to have their voices heard, not dismissed as they have been.

Magazines draw me in and despite my knowledge of lies in the media, I choose what I believe. I believe in the day when we can sit side by side and stay together as one. That we could have fun.

Reading these issues of the world, I wish I could help, but I find myself helpless in a situation where I have not experienced what others have. I don’t understand the discrimination, and perhaps I never can. It’s not within my hands.

Still, even as a girl with porcelain skin and green eyes, I will devise what plans I can to help those who need it. It’s not as simple as speaking about it; I want to do something.

But still I find myself within this room, attached to my sickness, attached to my lack of knowledge of the outside world.

Maybe someday, though, I’ll find a way to change the world.

Dreaming Big

Go ahead and tell me that it isn’t possible. I’ll prove to you that I can do this. I’ll prove to you that what I dream of isn’t a pipe dream; it isn’t something that can just be silenced by the belief that it’s impossible. So go ahead, and tell me how much I can’t do it. I’ll do it anyway, and I’ll make sure that it’s the best thing that ever happened. Because in this heart of mine I am a dreamer, and I find the greatest things when I open it up and allow myself to dream. I find everything that I could possibly need, and for some reason I can’t understand why someone would tell me that my dreams are ‘impossible’ or ‘unrealistic’.

It’s not as simple as mere words, not as simple as these things that come into my mind that I fight to make a reality. They aren’t as simple as the light that fades when the sun drops below the horizon. In fact, they’re more complicated than most anything else I know. Because my dreams will become a reality, and I will fight for them to be so.

In your youth, didn’t you dream too? Didn’t you want things to happen that others told you wasn’t possible? Did you allow them to be right, to kill those dreams, and did you settle for something less?

I’m not trying to be anything other than as kind as possible. But I remember all the times I’ve been told that things aren’t possible, that I need to think smaller, that I need to stop dreaming altogether. It hurts like a knife in my chest, stinging like salt in a wound but I won’t allow these words to close my mind off and move onto smaller things. I won’t allow this pain to force me to abandon everything I’ve worked nearly twelve years for.

And in this jumbled up message of words, I know that I’m someone who can make these things happen. I know that I’m someone who can make anything happen because I have a drive that cannot be beaten. I have a drive that is stronger than that of a bull, hence my Zodiac sign of the Taurus.

So many people – including my own mother – have told me to dream smaller. They’ve told me that I can’t do it. They’ve told me that I’m unrealistic and that I’m just going to end up disappointed. Well, who ever ended up disappointed unless they gave up? How many big dreamers do we know today who never gave up when people thought they were insane but now are revered as geniuses? Too many to count.

So I will continue here on my way, and I will find the path that leads to everything I’ve ever wanted to make real. Because I will create my reality and I will make it the best reality I ever could have had.

Because dreaming big will never be bad.

My Start With Writing

I worry often that my writing is not good enough. I know I’ve said this before, but I have a bad habit of repeating, something I wish I could get rid of. But it has been proven to me with this blog that my writing is good and can be powerful. It was an acquaintance of mine who got me writing – and then convinced me that everything I wrote was less than worthy of her time. It was trash compared to what they wrote.

I met this person at twelve years old and I knew them for years. Even though they got me into writing, they also convinced me that everything I did wasn’t good enough. Eventually, I saw how toxic this person was, but not before they shamelessly pushed me to the point of being suicidal. Since then, I have been in near-constant therapy and my wonderful mother went and spoke to this individual, telling them that they were no longer welcome in our home and that they were to never speak to me again.

I don’t entirely know why I felt pressed to tell this story, but I did. Lastly, I just want to say that you don’t have to listen to anyone who is cruel to you, because I’ve recently learned that a person’s cruelty is a reflection of themselves, not you, or what they might say about you.

Even when I speak of this person, I avoid using their name because as terrible as it seems, to me they don’t deserve to be referred to by their name. They nearly destroyed me, but I thankfully came out on the other side.

I will never understand cruelty. The motivation behind it, the way others think it’s right to act that way. I will never understand it, sans I hope that upon reading this that you can possibly shut a toxic person out of your life as well.

Perhaps I’ll Just Be Me

Right now I struggle. Right now I struggle with these words. I struggle with saying them the right way and trying to detail them the way that I want to. I struggle with the idea that someone might not care, that the people I love could care less. I struggle here in the middle of the night, because I feel like less. I struggle here before I could stop myself, because as much as other people tell me to suck it up or to tell me to ‘just be happy’, but depression makes me force a smile each time I try to be.

My anxiety finds its way into my heart, and as I write this I don’t know what part of me could possibly handle it completely. I bear my heart out in this post, because I don’t always know what to do. Others around me say that I seem collected, calm and cool. But they don’t know that I’m breaking inside, eternally because of the way I view myself and this world. The way that I interact with the people around me. The way that I try to love myself the way I am but end up trying to change certain things without realizing it.

I find myself eager to gain new things, but can I gain new things if I already struggle with the old? Sometimes I wonder if I could be that bold. Others have told me I’m one of the most bold people they know, but sometimes I dismiss their words and simply sit in my room writing words like this, contemplating my existence.

It’s not easy growing up fighting for your life. Add that to time with friends and school life and it can be impossible to survive. But I’ve made it somehow and still now I find myself suffering and struggling, but somehow I’ll find my way out. At least, that’s what my mom always told me. My mom, who is my best advocate, especially in my worst times. She has always been there no matter what.

And somehow as I worried these words would flow, they flowed easier than I could have known. To bear my heart is to be bold, so why not just do what I know?

The things I know are simple as the rain, and simple as a flower moving towards the sun. But they’re also complicated in that I don’t know which way to turn. As a twenty-something trying to find my place within this world. I discover that I am not the only one that struggles with this. Maybe it’s hard for everyone to be twenty-something. Maybe we just lose it, and when we think we’re finally put together, we lose it again in our thirties. Or maybe the thought that we get it together in the first place has always been false.

In these thoughts that invade my mind, there is something I wish to find. Peace of mind. Peace of heart. Peace within the things that I find to be the greatest things in my life. The things that somehow conflict with me, and I don’t know who I’m supposed to be.

But perhaps I’ll just be me.