Stress is something that is very dangerous, yet we all have it. It is something ingrained so deeply into our humanity that it is part of our very being.

I’ve been feeling immense stress lately, and considering that I have a lot of medical issues, that’s not good.

I try to reduce the stress, but only make it greater. Perhaps stress is one of those things that you need to somewhat ignore in order for it to get better. Not ignore or deny it’s existence, but to ignore the worries that come with it, calming you down and helping you realize that everything your stress is telling you is just not real. Not only is not real, but it oftentimes doesn’t even exist. I find this to be the case many times in my life.

Someone I love, greatly expect, and admire told me something today: there is no such thing as running out of miracles.

I’ve seen that miracles come in abundance, regardless of how many we have had in the past. This is definitely something to keep in mind…

…especially when it feels like the whole world is against us.

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Thank You

Sleep is a necessity. It can be really frustrating when you can’t sleep.

In the same manner as my last post, this is more a candid stream of consciousness than a planned topic.

Sleep has seemed to elude me for a couple of days, but I am so grateful for the responses I’ve been getting to this blog. I’m thrilled that you all read my posts, and even take the time to comment and give them a like! So I want to issue a big thank you to all who have read my posts, liked, followed, etc.

You are so special to me! I hope you all get your own success as well. I definitely wish you the best in your ventures as you have helped me in mine.

Again, thank you.

Brain

I have struggled my whole life, trying to figure out who I am. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve begun to realize that perhaps we never truly figure out who we actually are.

We are constantly changing and evolving, because humans are designed to be adaptable. We are designed to adapt to our aging bodies, our changing surroundings, and our ever-shifting social dynamics. It’s in our DNA. So how could we possibly pinpoint exactly who we are when, by the time we think we have gotten right, we’ve changed again?

As humans, we have so much more to us than our looks, the way we talk, the food we eat, or our weight. I’ve struggled with all of these things in my life and I’m only just starting to break free of their grasp.

We are complex being, complex individuals who cannot be summed up by a word or a sentence or a paragraph or everything a novel. Perhaps we are too complicated to ever truly understand ourselves.

Our brains are what have made everything known in this world, and yet we ourselves cannot understand the workings of our own minds.

Does this mean we are simply incapable of reaching such feats, or does it mean that we have a mind that chooses not to recognize what it is capable of?

To me, it’s the latter. We are far too complex to never reach those heights, but in the end, maybe it’s best that we don’t.

I Love You

I love your face, your subtle grace. The way everything you seem to ace.

I love your voice, that soft tempo with which you sing so sincerely and kindly, loving those around you.

I love your everlasting truth, and I ache with the need to hold you each time your breath is taken by pain, each time your efforts feel in vain. Because this world has not treated you right; they don’t deserve your wisdom, your freedom and flight. And it’s not okay how they fight, but not for what’s right.

I will stand by your side unlike any before me. I will walk behind you and guard your back. I will be there to wipe the tears and to take your fears. I will be there to make you laugh, to love you truly and to understand you on a level no one has before.

Because you are everything to me. To see sadness in your eyes brings tears to mine because it hurts so bad to watch you suffer. I will do anything to see that smile that shines the brightest, to face the world in their mocking of us to believe that we are freaks. Well, allow them to say what they will. I would rather be a freak than someone on the sidelines watching you weep.

It seems that I have known you for eternity; the depth within your eyes stirs everlasting love in me. There’s nothing you could do to steer me away, because I know it would only be in an effort to not be hurt again.

There’s nothing you could do in order to make me not love you. I will give everything to you in a way the rest of the world will not, and a second chance is more than what you deserve. A second chance to love and be loved. Because honey, this world doesn’t know how to love. Not in the way you do.

And if you so desired it, I would walk away, making sure to remain a support every step of the way. If you needed something, I would go without, just to see the smile in your eyes when you realize you aren’t alone.

Because there’s nothing thats more true than the fact that I love you.

Beauty

I have always thought that sadness and sorrow is a type of beauty. I’ve always found beauty in tears. Why? Because it’s human. It is us being who we are. When we allow tears to slip out, we allow our true selves to show.

For the longest time, I didn’t know why I found beauty in the things I did, but I knew that these things were just naturally beautiful to me. Strange things like crying, tears and pain. The beauty I see is not the beauty that society has taught us to perceive, but a different type of beauty, something that doesn’t exist within this day-to-day spectrum.

I have always struggled to be who I am, but now I know that I am capable of being who I am.

And so are you.

Burned Bridges

Sometimes the people closest to you burn bridges, and there’s no reason why. There’s no point in burning the bridge that leads toward the person who has given you the most.

I have seen someone I love tormented and manipulated and thrown down by someone they love, but now that relationship is over (and no, it was not romantic).

I truly don’t understand the need to make a cruel statement through obscene actions and harsh words, and I really don’t understand cruelty and I hope I never will.

For those that have burned their bridges with you, do yourself a favor and don’t rebuild that bridge. For me it is only under extremely specific and special circumstances that I will allow someone to regain my trust. Genuinely, we need to make a real effort to try to understand each other, and go out of our way to be kind. I hope that by truly loving from the heart that I can change the lives of many. So can you.

Love others, treat them with the respect they don’t give you, not as a reflection of their person but of yours. But most importantly: don’t rebuild the bridges they burn. Not only have they stopped you from coming near them by burning them, but they have done you a favor as well – they have with which to hold onto to come back and ever hurt you again. That is what I call and consider a tender mercy.

Bullies

I have experienced a lot in my life and have definitely learned a lot within the last year. I’ve learned a lot about love, about how to love and about what to do when situations go awry. I am only twenty-three years old, but I’d like to think I’ve got some of this figured out.

I remember making a big fuss here on this blog almost a year ago about how I was bullied on The Swift Life, or TSL for short. But now as I look back, I see how I should have handled the situation. Though of course, at the time I was young and could not have understood what I do now.

People have told me that bullies are nothing but cowards, and that cyber-bullies are nothing but cowards hiding behind a computer screen. I have never really believed that. It has taken me a while to articulate, but here is what I believe:

Have you ever said something in your life that you regret? Have you ever lashed out in hurt? Most likely. We all have. Does that make you a bully? No.

I don’t believe that bullies are cowards sitting behind computer screens, or the jock in the high school locker room. I believe that bullies are living, breathing human beings who are truly suffering just as much as we are, and though we may not see it through damaged pride and hurt feelings, as well as shame, everyone is only human. Some of us turn our pain inwards while some of us lash out. We all feel the exact same things, more or less. The rest is attributed to ignorance or lack of education.

I’ve never believed that bullies are terrible people, because we have all been something of a bully at some point in our lifetime. I think – or rather, know – that if we make an effort to react with love and understanding, not only will it confuse the bully…but it might just show them their worth.

Everyone is human, and everyone shows pain in different ways. Does that mean we should ostracize them? No. We should educate them in a simple and sufficient manner.

If we do so, this world might just be a better place yet.

Irreplaceable

It’s amazing how such a small action from someone that you don’t even speak to anymore can hurt so much. These smallest little details that can reach under our skin and act like table salt against a wound. These small encounters are what makes life so hard when we are young.

Society tells us that we must be liked, loved, appreciated, admired and more by everyone around us. If not, we are worthless in society’s eyes.

I’ve never much liked society and its views, and as I’ve gotten older I’ve happily rejected it. If it weren’t for certain circumstances, I would happily live in the wilderness. Why? Because it is so much simpler.

If I had a small cabin hundreds of miles away from any form of modernized civilization, I think I would have an easier time finding my happiness. Coming from someone who has experienced mostly bullying and pain in my life, it would be a great joy to remain within my own solitude.

Since I was a child I have dreamed of having my own ranch of sorts. I have dreamed of being self sufficient through all of my needs. Food, water, shelter, clothing, education, etc. I have also dreamed of living on my own island…but perhaps that wouldn’t be the greatest idea at the moment as I struggle with my physical health and rely on modern medicine.

I digress. My apologies.

If society were a more welcoming and peaceful place, perhaps I wouldn’t be so keen to avoid it. We are taught from infancy that the smallest smile, eye roll, or even just the way someone looks at us completely determines our worth, inside and out. I have struggled with self worth all my life. I’m getting better at it. I hope.

But in this little cluttered post, I don’t know who needs to hear this, but I’ll say it just for you: it doesn’t matter what others think of you, say to you, or say about you. You are worth it. Let me repeat that.

You are worth it. And if they can’t see that, they don’t deserve the irreplaceable company, smile, and personality that you bring everywhere with you. And as far as I’m concerned….it’s their loss. And a great loss of theirs indeed, because of we were all to be a little more open-minded towards each other maybe we could see how irreplaceable every soul truly is, realizing that our own is just as special.

Solid Ground

In lands far away, I see these lonely days stretch into months, years, infinity. There’s nothing I can do right now other than love myself. There’s nothing I can do but trust that it will get better.

And it will.

Trust is not something that comes easy to me, but something that fails to be. I find myself cynical of everything, questioning every word that every person says. I wonder if it’s the truth or if I’m being lied to; it’s something I’ve taught myself to do.

I’m not entirely sure how I feel about it yet. But it will come soon, I bet. The way that I’ll understand my true feelings about this world and its danger, and to let go of my anger. To be the adult I want and need to be, but to also take care of me.

So many things swirling around, it’s hard to find solid ground. It’s almost like I’m bound, destined to respond to these sounds.

Bold text and even more bold actions, I would love to be someone worth knowing with my fractions of everything that makes me who I am; a patchwork quilt of everything that makes up the organism that is ‘me’.

In these little lies, I search to find the truth among their lives. It seems tedious but wise, and I won’t ever fail to realize. These days are hard, but things will get better. That’s what tomorrows are for.

And as I’ve written these words on this blog the past few weeks, I’ve found myself happier and more at peace than I’ve ever been, thanks to the safety I feel within now to express myself in the ways that I need to; all in order to speak the truth to you.

Change

In desolate places and derelict spaces, I see the faces of the future. Those that deserve to have their voices heard.

As I look around myself I find it hard to find what I should see: the reality of those around me. Yet I cannot, because it is covered up; something I will never truly understand.

Aches and pains and trickling rain. Although I ache for the future, I also ache for the sameness that comes about upon every nook and cranny of every alley. People of the world deserve to have their voices heard, not dismissed as they have been.

Magazines draw me in and despite my knowledge of lies in the media, I choose what I believe. I believe in the day when we can sit side by side and stay together as one. That we could have fun.

Reading these issues of the world, I wish I could help, but I find myself helpless in a situation where I have not experienced what others have. I don’t understand the discrimination, and perhaps I never can. It’s not within my hands.

Still, even as a girl with porcelain skin and green eyes, I will devise what plans I can to help those who need it. It’s not as simple as speaking about it; I want to do something.

But still I find myself within this room, attached to my sickness, attached to my lack of knowledge of the outside world.

Maybe someday, though, I’ll find a way to change the world.