This World

I hate it when I can’t sleep, because that is when my mind gets creative. That’s when I start to think of how many crocheted dish cloths I would have to sell in order to become a millionaire. I’m not kidding.

We live in a society where we have so much that we can do. We have TV, Internet, video games, shopping…etc, etc. Yet, we sit around bored all day because none of it interests us anymore. None of it is new anymore.

I remember being a kid, and everything was a new and fascinating experience. I often wonder where that involvement went between the world and our minds. We don’t stop to look at flowers because we assume we already know exactly what they look like, but could we honestly just grab a pencil and piece of paper and render a perfect primrose flower on that paper with zero mistakes. Odds are, we can’t. This is because the world as we perceive it is not the world that actually is. It’s not nearly as boring and old as we think. In fact, it’s not boring and old at all. Yet, we see it that way. This is where I think we need to start putting our iPads and iPhones down and observe the world around us. Technology is a tool, not something to rely on completely.

So, perhaps as I can’t sleep and don’t feel good while I’m sick, I can take a pencil and a blank sheet of paper….who knows what will happen when we look around us and draw one random thing as realistically as possible? In my personal opinion, we will find that it isn’t that boring at all. In fact, it’s as beautiful as the starry night above us or flowers in a field of green grass.

We just have to choose to see it.

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Humanity

My top two idols are Taylor Swift and Michael Jackson. I love their style, their grace; the way they hold their heads high and brace themselves for the world. I love how they interact, how they are kind, loving, generous, and loyal to their fans and family. I love how they are so similar, yet so different.

I’ve dreamt of being a singer since I was a little girl. Since before being a teenager, actually. I’ve worried about many things. Watching the hell that my two favorite idols have gone through has made me realize how risky an endeavor it is to make your way into show business. Michael Jackson was torn from the top, and they are currently trying to do that to Taylor. But why?

Here’s my theory:

Anybody can be jealous of success. It’s human nature to want things that you can’t or don’t have. At least, that’s what I believe. But I miss the days of my childhood where I believed that everyone would do things for the better; that they would be trustworthy and lovely. But that’s not so. The world is a dangerous, dark, and horrifying place. Though it doesn’t have to be, it is. I think the reason that Michael and Taylor are torn down is because they have reached the top – the highest of the high within their communities. Taylor has reached a place in her songwriting that no one else has met, and we all know how Michael Jackson ended up where he was. But the funny thing is that they are both incredible people (although Michael has passed, I still think of him as here, still with us).

I believe that the world fears incredible people. They fear the happiness, kindness, and light that these people can bring. Why? Because once you cast light on something, you will see its shadow. Once you revel in something that is wonderful, you will realize how hard it was before. Nobody likes to see the sins of their own people, and although we are all different races and we speak so many different languages in different nations, I consider us all one big family. The family of humanity.

Humanity itself can be cruel. No other living being to exist has purposely sought out to harm one another. Not one other creature has sought out to kill one another, simply out of spite or revenge. And as humans, we try to keep these dark things a secret. We hide them in the darkest, innermost corners of our minds. We put masks on. We lie. We smile when we don’t mean it. We fight each other and kill each other, all for the sake of ‘fighting for freedom’. So, how does this translate to show business?

When someone is at the top, it’s not simple to be happy for them. It’s hard, as human nature makes us jealous; it makes is spiteful, and it encourages us to fight against one another to put them down in order to feel higher than that other person. It’s the same as war, the same as bombing other countries. Why do we fight in wars, kill others, and commit these crimes? Because we want to prove that we are better. Because we see the other side as evil. Or perhaps it’s simply because we want to watch someone fall and be able to say that they are lesser than us. But within history, this has only lead to chaos. This has only lead to more genocide. It’s a simple formula, really. Success + jealousy = violence. It’s not enough to think in one’s mind that they are jealous or that they believe that one person doesn’t deserve what they have. It’s not enough to write it in a journal or even scream it from the rooftops. No, we have to take action. And that’s where the mistakes of humanity come in. That’s where we create those unchangeable parts of history that will forever be a blemish on our reputation.

I often ask myself why. Why do we do it? Why are we fascinated with death, violence, anger, and troubles? And if you think we aren’t fascinated with those things, then simply look to the nearest TV. What do most, if not all, of our TV shows and movies center round? These four concepts: death, violence, anger, trouble. We are fascinated by the fall of another while we are angered at our own falls. I’ve often heard it said that it’s a dog-eat-dog world out there. Meaning a dog will commit a crime against its own kind for the sake of gaining a level in the food chain.

This saddens me.

In the back of my mind, all I can imagine is a rainy, desolate city, torn to shreds by others that believe they are superior. But are they really superior? I am American, and I live in a developed country. Does that make me superior to those that aren’t American, and to those that don’t live in developed countries? No. But does it make me less than them? Of course not! I’d love it to be simple, but it’s not. And it never will be.

Our desire to tear others down to make them smaller than us so that we can feel bigger will certainly end in our demise. How did the most evil or even the most powerful people in history die, or end? They were killed, either by themselves, or by someone else.

We think that we want power, but what do we do once we obtain that power? Once we get that far, maybe we don’t know what to do. But in the end, power truly is the substitution or replacement for something else. And what would that other thing be?

The desire to be loved and understood.

Chaos

Chaos is cold, and calculating. Abandoning its victims within chains of sorrow and ruin. A lot of us try to fight this, but it doesn’t need to be fought. What would we be without chaos? How would we know the good without the bad? How could we know the happiness without sorrow and disorder? Though it’s not that simple. Rarely is anything ever that simple.

What do I need to do to maintain order? What do we need to do to understand one another? It is so simple, yet so overdrawn with lines and solutions to problems that don’t exist when we try to get along with each other. It should be simple. We are all human beings. We all feel the same things, experience things in a similar way, and we can help each other understand why we fight. But first, in order to accept each other…

…we need to accept ourselves.

This Life Called ‘Freakshow’

Sometimes life isn’t as simple as just living it. Sometimes you have to do more than just that. Sometimes you have to wade through the water of your deepest fears, make your way through the storms of your greatest pain in order to end up where you want. Sometimes it’s not as simple as just being here, on this earth, and wanting what you want, and getting what you get. Sometimes you just need to handle things as they are.

That’s something I’ve discovered recently. I need to handle things as they are. I need to understand things as they are before I can have any hope of changing them; before I can ever make it to what I want to be, and who I want to be. It’s something that I think about a lot.

I call this life a Freakshow, because quite personally, that’s how I view it. It’s a Freakshow filled with monsters and circuses; things that go bump in the night. But I’m starting to sort through those things. But even if I sort through everything, put them all in their individual labels, and find a way to make them stay, it still won’t be anything other than a Freakshow. But do you know what the wonderful thing about a Freakshow is? You can be whatever you want. You can dress, act, and proceed like anything you want. You can be something in a fantasy, a fairy in a field full of flowers. Or, you could be something more sinister.

I find my Freakshow to consist of fears, doubts, and worries. But I’m sure everybody’s does. Of course, although we are all different, we also very similar. And though it may seem weird, but being similar is what sets us apart. It’s what helps us be the individuals that we are. We don’t notice things that are all the same. We do notice things with slight differences.

So, what does all of this mean? Well…I suppose I’m still figuring that out myself.