So Tired of This

I suppose this is just going to be a dump post. Something I just dump here and leave here.

I feel like I’ve been through the wringer lately. I was taken to the hospital via ambulance a week ago and now I’m finally better. Physically…but not mentally.

I just need to say it…I am so tired of being told that to be successful in a certain field that I absolutely have to do ‘xyz’, or I have no chance at being successful. It’s really hard for me to constantly hear that I’m too ambitious or that I want to do too many things. I’m tired of being told things are impossible for me or that I will never make it to where I want to be.

I’m rebellious by nature. Naturally, I’m going to do the opposite of what I’m told, just for the sake of it. That’s just who I am. But lately it’s been less irritating and more hurtful. I know I’m putting fat too much stock into what strangers on the Internet say, but it’s extremely difficult for me not to believe everything I hear. I believe everything I hear by default.

Today I cried about it, and I never cry. Not because I try not to but because I’m just not a cryer. But today, maybe I’m just sick of it all.

I don’t understand the world, and sometimes it’s all too much. I need to crawl back into my cave and let myself relax instead of worrying what the president is doing or the rioters or potential world wars that are all just too frequently seen everywhere I go that I think might be safe. I write a blog, but I don’t read many. It’s not that I can’t be bothered, it’s just that current events and politics and news genuinely scare me. They terrify me. I’m 23 and it’s almost sad if I see the world crumbling around me.

But I digress.

I’m so tired of being told to do things a certain way or I’ll ‘never make it’ to where I want to be. I want to be an entertainer, an author, a dancer, singer and songwriter. I also want to be a blogger, a YouTuber and Twitch streamer. With every one of these, we are all told the supposed ‘trade secrets of success’. To be an entertainer you need talent; to be a singer you need a good voice, to an author you need millions of readers to even hope of getting published. To be a dancer, you need to start before you’re an adult or you’re just screwed.

But what if I don’t want to do it the way I’m told to? What if I want to start dance at 23 and publish my own work in my own publishing company and just sing with my own voice and entertain with what I have? Do these things mean I’m just not allowed to have my dreams?

I’m well aware of doing it my own way and potentially being successful, and that’s what I fully intend to do. I just do not understand the world’s fascination with this formula that some have that others don’t and how apparently only those with the formula can succeed. Though, I’m absolutely positive that 95% of this formula is media crap that they want to sell as a ‘proven way’ to get where you want to go. Then they get millions and you get frustration. In short: scam.

Well, that’s all I have to say. Thanks for reading…if you did. 😉

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Stream of Consciousness

Throughout my life, I’ve never really had anyone listen to me, or what I had to say. I naturally have a very quiet voice, and it can get frustrating when people talk over me. That’s part of why I avoid social situations, other than the fact that I have social anxiety to the extreme. I avoid social situations because I’m tired of being talked over, uncared about, and not really noticed. I’m one of those people that fades to the background, where no one really knows that I’m there. I’m the person that somebody talks to when they have no one else to talk to, and even then, the only talk for thirty seconds.

All my life – as I said – I’ve never been listened to. I was a mute for the longest time as a child. Many things happened to make me a mute, but I’d rather not talk about that today. What I want to talk about is how hard it is to not have your voice heard. Here, on this blog, I’d like to believe that my voice is being heard by writing this. I’d like to believe that my voice will be heard someday when I’m a singer and songwriter. I’d like to believe that my voice is something that has value and something that someone will actually care about. It’s not like anyone is bound to stop and listen to me if I speak, anyway.

My brother has always had a very loud voice, and with mine being naturally quiet, almost like a whisper, I used to have to shout to speak over him. Then I just gave up. Why speak when nobody could hear me anyway? But I’ve noticed lately how painful it is to not have a voice. It’s painful when I cannot express what I want to, and even if I try, no one will listen. It’s almost as if, while I’m speaking, the people around me put their hand to their ear and say, ‘did you hear that? It’s almost like I heard a voice’. It doesn’t help that I’m freakishly short.

I don’t really have any magic answer or reason or anything as to how to gain a voice when you don’t have one. Movies and TV would like us to believe that it’s as simple as just speaking up when nobody else will, and then we end up with our crush and live happily ever after.

Wrong.

It’s difficult. Most of the time, others are too busy with their own lives and their own trivial things to even think about the fact that you’re trying to speak to them, or that you have pain inside you, or that you are trying so hard to change and you have already tried so hard to matter to someone and nothing has worked. That’s how I felt as a teenager. Thankfully the pain isn’t as strong now as it was then, but I still live with pain that I don’t have a voice.

I wish that I could speak up and somebody would turn to me, smile, and pay attention to me. Should I go stand on a stage and shout how I feel? No. Nobody cares. Should I go on YouTube and put an opinion out there that’ll be criticized and I’ll be forever bullied for it? I’d rather not.

Maybe it’s also a fear of the reaction I’ll get. All I know is that I find myself with jumbled up thoughts and don’t always know what I feel until I write it. And now I do know what I feel. I want a voice, and I want it to matter.

It will. Someday.

Long Time, No See

Wow. It has been a while. Heh.

I’m sorry if this post is sort of jumbled up, I consider this a stream-of-consciousness post. Just wanted to warn you in advance.

A lot of things have happened to me in the last year and a lot of things have happened to those that I love. Incredibly difficult changes have been made, miracles have been witnessed and spoken about, and I never knew that my spirit could remain unbroken through my deepest fears. As I’ve discovered my deepest innermost fear upon listening to a podcast featuring Tony Robbins (I love that man) from 2017, I’ve understood my limits. I’ve learned that these limits do not define me, they do not change me, and they certainly do not cage me.

I always felt held in a corral by these ‘limits’ I imagined in my head. I always thought that something was holding me back; something I couldn’t see  and therefore couldn’t fight. But as I discovered that deepest fear, and I immediately formed a plan of action. Now that I know how to not let that deepest fear happen in reality, I feel fearless. I feel like the shackles that I’ve always felt around my wrists are finally nonexistent, and possibly weren’t even there in the first place. It’s funny how society loves to convince its inhabitants are incapable of anything seconds after the moment they say ‘believe in yourself’. Such things like that gave me much pause, and reason to consider what I was doing. I looked at my life. I’m twenty-three. Do I want to be a writer? Do I even like writing?

I struggled with my identity, far more than just my writing and whether or not I liked it. Since then I have determined that I truly do love writing, and I’m grateful to have this skill that have, given to me by God. I truly know that I am skilled at writing, although that may sound vain or self-centered. The sad thing is: the second we don’t believe in ourselves, we are considered to be self-loathing. The second we love ourselves, we are considered narcissistic and vain. Anything in the middle just simply doesn’t exist.

Perhaps I always knew this, or perhaps it was something I’ve learned along the way. But I do know this: it doesn’t matter what society says. For the first time in my life, I have decided that society or the people around me have absolutely no say in what I feel about myself, how I love myself, and what I know that I deserve that I am completely aware they will tell me I don’t.

Furthermore, I have discovered that politics really is just a game of High School debate club, but on a much larger scale. Just as in Drama class, if you’re shaking and can’t get out your lines, you will be taken off the stage. This happens in politics. If someone is so angry they are shouting and trembling with rage, they have no reason or place to be on that podium. I have seen terrible things, and quite frankly, I think that the world is now scarier than it’s ever been, simply because people are making threats left and right, and no one is doing anything about it. Perhaps we’re tired. Or maybe we just don’t care anymore.

My generation, the generation of the Millennials; we fear this world. We know that there is so much we can’t do, and as I watch the generation that has come after me, the children younger than me taking drastic actions such as harming themselves and leaving permanently, I am devastated. It makes me wonder what kind of world our parents and grandparents have left us.

As I said, this is stream-of-consciousness. Please take everything I say in here with a grain of salt. It’s nothing but water that slides off the duck’s back. *QUACK*