Uninhibited

Uninhibited, I am someone who speaks what I want and need. In these dark hills, I walk away from greed.

Unaffected, I am the one who keeps trying, because I’m not fond of life dying.

Unreal, I reach towards the stars, knowing that my fingertips reach far.

And understanding, to know that I know exactly where I’m landing.

In this world of terror and worry, I won’t allow it to steal my flurry of love and truth, honestly something I hold so dearly to my heart.

I want to be who I am, and I will be. Because the only person I can be is me.

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Gentler Creatures

These days together lately have been rough. But I find myself to be tough. Toughened by the challenges that lie in front of me, but not hardened by what they create of me.

I wish that I could’ve done better in the past, but what’s done is done. There’s nothing I can do but move on.

As I allow my face to turn towards the light with the sun to shine on my features, I will forever understand that I am one of those gentler creatures.

Difference

As I cherish these things that I have, I feel for others who don’t. I wish there was a way that I could give to them, but I can’t. Because of these circumstances I found myself bound by happenstance.

I don’t want this blog to be entirely dedicated to me, I want to speak of others as well. I wish to be a humanitarian in every sense, because of the way these people fell. And because of the ache in my heart I feel when I see these things, their truths I will tell.

I know this may seem random, but I have thought of this for years. Though I stopped myself because of my own fear. The fear of being judged, but now that disappears. Because these people cry real tears.

Hopefully charity in the making, I certainly am not faking the sorrow I feel when I see another soul suffer. It’s something I wish to never see upon another.

So as I speak these things on my mind and rhyme these rhymes, I will hopefully come to the time where with these words, I can make a difference. Truly.

Wow Pt 2

I am so stressed right now. I’ve never been on the phone with customer service for a full hour. Needless to say it was nerve-wracking.

I don’t want to mention the hosting platform I chose as I believe that they are very competent and that this experience of mine was only a fluke. I think God was telling me that it’s not time for a website yet. Perhaps I’m not ready.

But I’m grateful for this experience because in a way it shows me that I can just move forward with having fun writing. As much as I’m frustrated and I would like to have a website, I don’t have the money, nor the energy to do that right now. Right now I just need to sleep. It’s hard doing things for the first time. I’m very tired and have a massive headache.

But I’m grateful to still have this blog.

Wow

Hi, I just wanted to say that if you couldn’t get to my previous posts, it’s because I tried to connect my blog to a hosting platform to turn it into a website. One hour on customer service later, I am now a giant bundle of nerves. I have severe phone anxiety. But now my posts will resume as usual. Thank you.

Feeling Better

Feeling so much better than I have a long time. Slept literally all day and I’m feeling great. Also, I’m trying to eliminate stressors. I don’t want to go into details but my biggest stressor was gone for a day, hence the day of sleep.

I’m on my way to not having that stress anymore, and I’m hoping my health will significantly improve as a result.

It’s been a little hard to write lately just because I’ve been so worn out, but this has rejuvenated me.

I’m so grateful!

Thank You

Images of worries and long nights. I find my anxiety going to new heights. Possibly things will be fine.

I’m filled with joy to know that my writing is loved. Just as classic stories, I would like mine to be beloved. Thank you for your generosity, it helps fuel my curiosity. My desire to speak my mind and be who I am; to harness my skill with my own brand.

Thank you to my readers, for you are so special to me. Eternally in my heart you will be.

This is not a note goodbye as it sounds like. I realize it seems like I’m ending this, but I’m not. I’m simply thanking you all for reading. And as I move forward with this chapter in my life, I have learned much and I cherish this feeling.

Change

In my own frame of life, I am realizing that perhaps things aren’t that unique to me after all. With worries and fears, I am not the only one who experiences them. As the anxieties plague me at night, when the sun falls the panic starts. I am strong, but my weakness is highlighted by the things that cut to the very core. Still, I survive.

Here, I wonder what to write, but still, words come to my mind. Perhaps I’ll never have writer’s block in the way I had always thought I would and had. Only after did I realize the reasons for the ‘writer’s block’. Cruel people and even more cruel words. Words that permeate my mind, telling me that I’m not good enough and that nothing I ever do will be good enough.

So I sit. I sit and I write, hoping that somebody will like to read. I still and I put words to paper, feeling my soul leak into the ink of the pen I clutch within my hand. I have found myself more in the last month than I have in the past four years. Still, I am haunted by these fears.

As the darkness doesn’t have to destroy me anymore – I won’t let it – I still worry that it will find its way into my mind, twisting and turning until I am no longer mine. But that hasn’t happened for a long time; I will remain alright.

As these anxieties seize my chest, I find myself wanting to spill out words onto this canvas of story, but feel the fear that accompanies the truth that surrounds me, and the idea of putting the truth out for others to see. For I fear what others think. It’s not something I’m proud of; it’s not something I like. But I fear the judgements and the hurtful things; I fear the way their voices ring in my head. If only someone else could reign in my stead.

This is where I find my persona, my stage personality. Saruta. she is me, and I am her. I have created her to be just like me in my time of need, and now I need her more than ever. As I feel myself slipping further and further from my comfort zone, the anxieties that have always been held in reserve have broken free from their barriers.

In truth, I didn’t know what to write here until I began to type, and now I am grateful I did. Because these are the things that I cannot say out loud; the things that are somehow made real by the sound of my own voice validating them and creating them within the reality that I’ve always chosen not to see. Still, I know that I must venture further into unknown territory in order to get to where I want to be. And Saruta is there, here, with me.

As I fear writing something different because my current writings have delivered me success, I will write different things, because no one can grow unless they step outside of what they are used to. It is only outside those moments of comfort that we can truly grow. So, I allow my mind to wander, filling the void around me with words and thoughts I hadn’t allowed myself to engage with before.

But I can promise you and myself one thing: even as I change, I will always be the same.

Success Isn’t Finite

You know, I admit that I’ve wanted to use this blog and write on this blog for the purpose of making some money, but I also am a writer at heart. This sort of ties into my last post, so I can link that.

So Tired of This

I am a writer – and a creator – at heart. I always have been. I remember drawing pictures of horses over and over again as a child until I mastered the art. Finally, at eleven years old, my horses looked pretty darn close to the real thing. You might assume I’m perfectionist, and you’d be right. But you might not know that I consider myself a Jack of All Trades, and the master of all of them. Because, as the saying goes:

“Jack of all trades, but the master of none.”

I don’t know who wrote that, but it floats around from time to time. I am an extremely ambitious person, and perhaps this is because of my health. I’ve struggled with a rare heart defect since I was born, and because of that, I’ve almost died many times. Because of this close state to death, I find myself wanting to do and experience everything before the Good Lord brings me home. And I know that He will, in His own due time.

I’ve read countless posts about how to be successful as a blogger, a YouTuber, a Twitch streamer, an entertainer, a dancer, a musician…etc. All of the things that I want to become. But I realized I’ve fallen into that trap – the trap where the media tries to tell you that there’s ‘one set way’ or some type of formula to get the success in these fields. But the truth of the matter is this – there is, nor will there ever be, a set way as to how to achieve something great in any field. 

I’ve learned in my life from doing things that were considered impossible by medical and scientific standards that the word ‘impossible’ really does mean ‘I’m possible!’ I believe Audrey Hepburn, just as I believe myself as I pull myself out of that sea of ‘how to be successful’ posts, books, blogs, videos, and anything else you can imagine.

I’ve read that there are only certain ways to get successful in the field of blogging: follow one topic, interact with other people, always use quotes and links, never plagiarize (which I would never do in the first place), and more. But I start to question these things, and I find myself reverting back to that rebellious person that I was when I was in my mid teenage years. The person that could look someone in the eye and say: ‘You’re wrong. I’m going to do this. Just watch me.’

I often have wondered where that person inside of me went, but then I realize she never left. She was never gone, but just…hidden. Many things happened, but I don’t want to get into that right now.

Back to the point. I want to be successful in many fields, a lot of which are polar opposites of each other, or require decades of patience or to start at a young age which is an asset that I just don’t have. But I do have this: I have drive. I have desire. I have the undying urgency to reach those goals and to run past that finish line with flying colors.

This brings me to the last point in this post: I’m going to post on here whatever I want. It will most likely always be random, or something that doesn’t even pertain to the present day or even reality. Since I consider myself a Jack of All Trades, it will often be about some career, goal, or something that can be learned and mastered. Lastly, I will post whatever I feel like posting.

Before, I was afraid to do this. A million worries ran through my mind: what if I lose followers? What if this just pushes me further away from the goal? What if this really is impossible unless I follow those guidelines. But now I’m trying to push those worries to the side as I focus on what I really enjoy – a little bit of everything.

I’m sorry for this post being jumbled up and rushed. It’s pretty late in the night as I write this, and I’m pretty tired. But I had to get this off my chest. Again, my apologies for the lack of structure.

What about you? Do you think there’s a formula for success? Or do you believe that success is catered to each individual and their circumstances?

Let me know in the comments. We can start a conversation. 😉

So Tired of This

I suppose this is just going to be a dump post. Something I just dump here and leave here.

I feel like I’ve been through the wringer lately. I was taken to the hospital via ambulance a week ago and now I’m finally better. Physically…but not mentally.

I just need to say it…I am so tired of being told that to be successful in a certain field that I absolutely have to do ‘xyz’, or I have no chance at being successful. It’s really hard for me to constantly hear that I’m too ambitious or that I want to do too many things. I’m tired of being told things are impossible for me or that I will never make it to where I want to be.

I’m rebellious by nature. Naturally, I’m going to do the opposite of what I’m told, just for the sake of it. That’s just who I am. But lately it’s been less irritating and more hurtful. I know I’m putting fat too much stock into what strangers on the Internet say, but it’s extremely difficult for me not to believe everything I hear. I believe everything I hear by default.

Today I cried about it, and I never cry. Not because I try not to but because I’m just not a cryer. But today, maybe I’m just sick of it all.

I don’t understand the world, and sometimes it’s all too much. I need to crawl back into my cave and let myself relax instead of worrying what the president is doing or the rioters or potential world wars that are all just too frequently seen everywhere I go that I think might be safe. I write a blog, but I don’t read many. It’s not that I can’t be bothered, it’s just that current events and politics and news genuinely scare me. They terrify me. I’m 23 and it’s almost sad if I see the world crumbling around me.

But I digress.

I’m so tired of being told to do things a certain way or I’ll ‘never make it’ to where I want to be. I want to be an entertainer, an author, a dancer, singer and songwriter. I also want to be a blogger, a YouTuber and Twitch streamer. With every one of these, we are all told the supposed ‘trade secrets of success’. To be an entertainer you need talent; to be a singer you need a good voice, to an author you need millions of readers to even hope of getting published. To be a dancer, you need to start before you’re an adult or you’re just screwed.

But what if I don’t want to do it the way I’m told to? What if I want to start dance at 23 and publish my own work in my own publishing company and just sing with my own voice and entertain with what I have? Do these things mean I’m just not allowed to have my dreams?

I’m well aware of doing it my own way and potentially being successful, and that’s what I fully intend to do. I just do not understand the world’s fascination with this formula that some have that others don’t and how apparently only those with the formula can succeed. Though, I’m absolutely positive that 95% of this formula is media crap that they want to sell as a ‘proven way’ to get where you want to go. Then they get millions and you get frustration. In short: scam.

Well, that’s all I have to say. Thanks for reading…if you did. 😉