All These Words

All these words I wish I could say to you. I can’t force them to reach you. And all of these nights I wish I had apologized. I waited until it was too late. All of these times where you were by my side, although I turned away. I wish that these words could reach you in a way that I had never said. I wish that I could prove to you how sorry I was, and that I didn’t mean anything bad. But still, I wasn’t in a good place, and I was unbearably sad.

Mental illness is nothing to mess with. It’s nothing to be entirely proud of; at least, not in my eyes. Of course, I will always be honest about my mental challenges, and I’ll be grateful for the strength they give me in the long run. I’m just not one of those people that can say I’m proud of the illnesses. To me…illness is not something to be proud of, though survival is.

I made it. I survived. And it’s been so many years, I wish I could see your eyes so that I could know what you thought as I thanked you for all you did for me. Trying to help me in my darkest moments, and I regret turning the other way. I resented it all, and that’s something I can never take away.

However, it’s in the past, and there’s nothing I can do about it now. Perhaps I can just find a way to move past it and live in the present. Maybe there’s a way that I can let go of all these little scrapes and bruises. These small wounds that have neglected to heal over the past eight years.

Still, I wish there was a way to say thank you, for everything you did. And if I could do it again, I know I would.

Advertisements

Solid Ground

In lands far away, I see these lonely days stretch into months, years, infinity. There’s nothing I can do right now other than love myself. There’s nothing I can do but trust that it will get better.

And it will.

Trust is not something that comes easy to me, but something that fails to be. I find myself cynical of everything, questioning every word that every person says. I wonder if it’s the truth or if I’m being lied to; it’s something I’ve taught myself to do.

I’m not entirely sure how I feel about it yet. But it will come soon, I bet. The way that I’ll understand my true feelings about this world and its danger, and to let go of my anger. To be the adult I want and need to be, but to also take care of me.

So many things swirling around, it’s hard to find solid ground. It’s almost like I’m bound, destined to respond to these sounds.

Bold text and even more bold actions, I would love to be someone worth knowing with my fractions of everything that makes me who I am; a patchwork quilt of everything that makes up the organism that is ‘me’.

In these little lies, I search to find the truth among their lives. It seems tedious but wise, and I won’t ever fail to realize. These days are hard, but things will get better. That’s what tomorrows are for.

And as I’ve written these words on this blog the past few weeks, I’ve found myself happier and more at peace than I’ve ever been, thanks to the safety I feel within now to express myself in the ways that I need to; all in order to speak the truth to you.

Wow Pt 2

I am so stressed right now. I’ve never been on the phone with customer service for a full hour. Needless to say it was nerve-wracking.

I don’t want to mention the hosting platform I chose as I believe that they are very competent and that this experience of mine was only a fluke. I think God was telling me that it’s not time for a website yet. Perhaps I’m not ready.

But I’m grateful for this experience because in a way it shows me that I can just move forward with having fun writing. As much as I’m frustrated and I would like to have a website, I don’t have the money, nor the energy to do that right now. Right now I just need to sleep. It’s hard doing things for the first time. I’m very tired and have a massive headache.

But I’m grateful to still have this blog.

Wow

Hi, I just wanted to say that if you couldn’t get to my previous posts, it’s because I tried to connect my blog to a hosting platform to turn it into a website. One hour on customer service later, I am now a giant bundle of nerves. I have severe phone anxiety. But now my posts will resume as usual. Thank you.

Revitalized

Now revitalized and rejuvenated I can start my journey anew. I find myself wandering towards the stars, although I can’t see them through a clear blue sky. Still, I’d like to dance to their tune. I’d like to listen to their small whispers of fate and the songs they sing when nobody is listening.

Now restored, I can move along once more. Steady and y’all, I stand as immovable as the earth element of my own zodiac sign.

Grateful for this calm present, I look forward to a pleasant future.

I’m a Phoenix

Something I never thought I’d find myself within. Something that couldn’t have been a win. Something that I never knew could hurt so much. Something where I ache for the smallest touch.

Can you feel this desire? Can you feel the fire? The flames that lick up the side of sanity, turning it into vanity, and causing anything else within to vanish.

Tarnish my soul, and know my own pull. My pull towards reality, the reality that I try so hard to hide from myself as I find myself turning away from what was once important to what now calls my name in something immovable and indescribable. Something less than destiny, something more than sanity. Something that could have removed every good thing from my life.

But I took the leap. I jumped. Vanity lied to me. Within my own reach, it tricked me into believing there was nothing else I could do. Nothing but a victim, something that wasn’t easily believable as I’d never considered myself one. And as I fear to write these words, I know there’s nothing else I could do. As I fear to know these learned habits of mine, I know there’s less of what I knew about in the first place. Finding yourself within the reality that was laid out for you…or finding yourself within the reality you laid for yourself. Which is worse? I once saw both a curse, but now with the first I realize that it’s nothing I can change. With the second, I realize it’s something I can tame.

With the last breath I take, and the last bit of sanity that leaks back within the walls of my beating heart, there’s something that comes to my core, alighting me with something brighter than the sun. Something I never would have thought possible, and something that’s greater than anything imaginable. Something I never knew existed.

Truth.

Let these lies crawl away, not damaged from the rays of that sunlight, and allow these truths to rise within me, light beaming from my every facet. My multi-faceted skin, with every sin and every win. As I write these words, I listen for the birds that fly to the core of the earth, taking with them the evil I once knew. Taking with them everything I used to do. Everything I now know to be different.

Let these truths cause me to rise as the phoenix would within the ashes of its own death, never allowing itself to rest but instead becoming more beautiful than ever before. I’ve watched myself resurrect quite a few times now, but this time is different. This time is stronger, wiser, and more free than I ever could have imagined. This time I beam with grace, lighting from my face as white as a dove with no shadow to be seen.

This time I understand who I am and what I want. What I need, and what I’ve been searching for that I never could have named before. I am a different person, but can mistakes me blamed on environment, or can they be blamed on poor ideals? I’m not sure, though I believe that something within me has risen like a flame alight, never to be quenched again. The light I had as a child when I rose from my bed, something I use now to avoid my death.

Humility is the only antidote to shame, and resigning my lesser knowledge is the source of once vain approach. My once rebellion, now used as something stronger than steel. Something stronger than diamond, though my heart is made of glass. That’s alright – because my soul is made of crystal; something that’ll never break. And the blood in these veins are as flame, to never be tamed.

And I watch through these new eyes to my future now that I’m wise. I am still very young – there’s no boundary or cut-off for when lessons are no longer learned. That is what I will forever know as I navigate these roads alone, my nomadic self coming to the surface as I walk the crust of this earth. As I see everything I was born to see and do everything I was born to do, I will continue to rise every time that I fall. Why?

Because I’m a phoenix.