Paid All My Dues

Sometimes it seems that life goes on without meaning to. It goes on, relentlessly and ruthlessly. That’s what I’ve learned, at least.

At night, I dream of a little house in the sky. Somewhere I can go to call home. It has wooden floors and herbs in planters. It has sunshine all the time and fresh air and the smell of lavender and ladders to climb up to a little bunk with books, blankets, and pillows so that I can read as I fall asleep with the sun shining on my face.

I’m always in a beautiful dress, imagining myself as a fairy. Something that – to me – means innocence. It’s an innocence that I would do anything to get back. And every time I have this dream, there’s chaos that I’m escaping from in the dream. The chaos always comes from a reflection of my real life. I escape to my Sky House, and everything will be okay.

What I wonder is if one day, I could realistically build such a house? Could I realistically build such a little sanctuary? Because even as I sit in my room, something that used to be my sanctuary, I cannot find the peace I once had. Now, all I feel is the pain as yelling and screaming permeates the entire house and I seek to find a home as I realize that the word ‘home’ has seeped out of where I now live.

Don’t get me wrong, though. I do love where I live. I do love family. But toxicity is toxicity, and it can be terrifying. Of course, if I ever make it that far – as to find my own home – I will always keep the relationships intact. However, even as I cut and bleed, cry and bitterly fall asleep at midnight – or sometimes not at all – there’s this inkling that there’s something right around the corner. Something better that’s coming my way. There’s always this thing in my heart that whispers: You’ve paid your dues. 

I will make it through anything, for I am as strong as diamond. However, right now, I don’t shine as bright. I remember someone once telling me that diamonds needed to be cut down – their rough edges taken off before they shined and glimmered like they do on TV.

Now, I realize that I am that diamond, and I’m simply having those rough edges taken off. And someday I hope to be fitted into the most beautiful ring in the world, to find the happiness I’ve always sought, and the peace that I once knew.

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All I Can Rely On

It seems that I’ll never truly understand this world, and perhaps that’s the way it’s meant to be. I never knew that it would be so hard, but I’d rather have a challenge than know that I’ve accomplished little to nothing.

It was never something that I regretted, however. Fighting for the things that I desired and the things that I knew I needed. And perhaps those things would fill the empty holes in my heart. Perhaps they would heal the wounds in my soul, and extract the poison that ravages my being.

But maybe not.

It’s all yet to be seen, how this all turns out. It’s something so simple yet so complicated. Nothing I ever would have expected. The ghosts watching me with a judgmental stare and the demons leaking out of the woodworks. I’ve seen from the people that I used to look up to that I should never crumble; I should never allow myself to flatten like they did. I will never allow myself to be destroyed in that way.

At some point I wish that I could have done it all different. I look back at the memories before, and wish that I could walk backwards within time to relive them again. But when I remember the struggles I faced during those moments, I find myself wanting to stay in the present. I find myself wishing for the future, and that’s something I’ve grown accustomed to. Something that I’ve found solace in, because as these things that I used to love and used to need no longer bring comfort to me. I struggle with that fake smile on my face everyday, but it’s exactly what I said in the beginning.

I’d rather fight for what I desire and fill the holes that are in my heart than allow myself to crumble like the people that I used to put so much trust in. Perhaps I’ve learned that sometimes, all you can rely on is yourself.

Starting Somewhere

You know, to be honest, I really don’t know what to write today. I have never been one who is short of words, so this is strange to me. It’s almost like I just don’t have anything to say, which is very odd. I’m usually the person who never stops talking, and is constantly thinking. So, maybe I’ll just write about my day.

I’ve been very tired all day, and I fell asleep for a few hours with a cat next to me (I have two). I love to livestream video games on Twitch.tv and I did that today. Wow, I had a boring day. But I think that sometimes we need these days to rejuvenate, to get our energies back and to replenish our reserves so we can keep going. I know that, for me, it can be very hard to keep going. I have such a severe heart condition, it can make it very difficult to want to get out of bed in the morning because I never feel good. That paired with my depression is really not a good combination.

I suppose that with this blog, I’m hoping to make some money on it. I’m twenty-three and still living with my mom. Not that it’s a bad thing, but I’d love independence and being able to live on my own. Finally I’m healthy enough that I can do it, but I need to be able to manage a somewhat stable income so that I can afford an apartment or even a home. I’ve got my eyes on one home, but that’s two states away. So, perhaps I’ll just stay where I am for right now.

With this blog, I’m not really sure what I want to do with it. I simply have this vague vision in my head of someday having a lot of people reading my words, and me doing book signings at bookstores if I ever become an author. It’s something that I’ve dreamt about for so long, it’s almost impossible to imagine my life without it. Even though it’s only been a few weeks since I turned twenty-three, I still am investigating whether I want to be an author and whether I want to do writing as a profession. I’m still sticking to my two-year mark, and I’m not going to make a decision until I turn twenty-five, but I’m pretty sure I already know what that decision will be. But then again, a lot changes after two years. People change, the world changes, perspectives and desires change. It’s something that nobody can predict with even the slightest degree of accuracy. Perhaps that’s why I tend to be so afraid of the future.

I’ve always been afraid to put my words out there, along with my thoughts. But I’ve recently learned that you obviously can’t please anyone, but I’ve also learned that the only person I should be looking to please is myself. I should be the one that’s happy. Considering that I almost died trying to do things for others and seeing myself as someone unworthy of being taken care of, I know now how important health and self-love is. Of course, I’ve never had a good self-esteem. But it’s getting better, and I’m realizing in my life the things I want to do and the things I don’t want to do. I don’t want to be one of those people that always looks at themselves and makes degrading comments. I’ve always been that person, but that doesn’t mean that I have to continue to be.

So, I suppose that as I’m becoming the person I want to be I will stop fearing or at least minimize the fear of putting my thoughts out there, and my words. We all have to start somewhere, right?