So Tired of This

I suppose this is just going to be a dump post. Something I just dump here and leave here.

I feel like I’ve been through the wringer lately. I was taken to the hospital via ambulance a week ago and now I’m finally better. Physically…but not mentally.

I just need to say it…I am so tired of being told that to be successful in a certain field that I absolutely have to do ‘xyz’, or I have no chance at being successful. It’s really hard for me to constantly hear that I’m too ambitious or that I want to do too many things. I’m tired of being told things are impossible for me or that I will never make it to where I want to be.

I’m rebellious by nature. Naturally, I’m going to do the opposite of what I’m told, just for the sake of it. That’s just who I am. But lately it’s been less irritating and more hurtful. I know I’m putting fat too much stock into what strangers on the Internet say, but it’s extremely difficult for me not to believe everything I hear. I believe everything I hear by default.

Today I cried about it, and I never cry. Not because I try not to but because I’m just not a cryer. But today, maybe I’m just sick of it all.

I don’t understand the world, and sometimes it’s all too much. I need to crawl back into my cave and let myself relax instead of worrying what the president is doing or the rioters or potential world wars that are all just too frequently seen everywhere I go that I think might be safe. I write a blog, but I don’t read many. It’s not that I can’t be bothered, it’s just that current events and politics and news genuinely scare me. They terrify me. I’m 23 and it’s almost sad if I see the world crumbling around me.

But I digress.

I’m so tired of being told to do things a certain way or I’ll ‘never make it’ to where I want to be. I want to be an entertainer, an author, a dancer, singer and songwriter. I also want to be a blogger, a YouTuber and Twitch streamer. With every one of these, we are all told the supposed ‘trade secrets of success’. To be an entertainer you need talent; to be a singer you need a good voice, to an author you need millions of readers to even hope of getting published. To be a dancer, you need to start before you’re an adult or you’re just screwed.

But what if I don’t want to do it the way I’m told to? What if I want to start dance at 23 and publish my own work in my own publishing company and just sing with my own voice and entertain with what I have? Do these things mean I’m just not allowed to have my dreams?

I’m well aware of doing it my own way and potentially being successful, and that’s what I fully intend to do. I just do not understand the world’s fascination with this formula that some have that others don’t and how apparently only those with the formula can succeed. Though, I’m absolutely positive that 95% of this formula is media crap that they want to sell as a ‘proven way’ to get where you want to go. Then they get millions and you get frustration. In short: scam.

Well, that’s all I have to say. Thanks for reading…if you did. 😉

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Stream of Consciousness

Throughout my life, I’ve never really had anyone listen to me, or what I had to say. I naturally have a very quiet voice, and it can get frustrating when people talk over me. That’s part of why I avoid social situations, other than the fact that I have social anxiety to the extreme. I avoid social situations because I’m tired of being talked over, uncared about, and not really noticed. I’m one of those people that fades to the background, where no one really knows that I’m there. I’m the person that somebody talks to when they have no one else to talk to, and even then, the only talk for thirty seconds.

All my life – as I said – I’ve never been listened to. I was a mute for the longest time as a child. Many things happened to make me a mute, but I’d rather not talk about that today. What I want to talk about is how hard it is to not have your voice heard. Here, on this blog, I’d like to believe that my voice is being heard by writing this. I’d like to believe that my voice will be heard someday when I’m a singer and songwriter. I’d like to believe that my voice is something that has value and something that someone will actually care about. It’s not like anyone is bound to stop and listen to me if I speak, anyway.

My brother has always had a very loud voice, and with mine being naturally quiet, almost like a whisper, I used to have to shout to speak over him. Then I just gave up. Why speak when nobody could hear me anyway? But I’ve noticed lately how painful it is to not have a voice. It’s painful when I cannot express what I want to, and even if I try, no one will listen. It’s almost as if, while I’m speaking, the people around me put their hand to their ear and say, ‘did you hear that? It’s almost like I heard a voice’. It doesn’t help that I’m freakishly short.

I don’t really have any magic answer or reason or anything as to how to gain a voice when you don’t have one. Movies and TV would like us to believe that it’s as simple as just speaking up when nobody else will, and then we end up with our crush and live happily ever after.

Wrong.

It’s difficult. Most of the time, others are too busy with their own lives and their own trivial things to even think about the fact that you’re trying to speak to them, or that you have pain inside you, or that you are trying so hard to change and you have already tried so hard to matter to someone and nothing has worked. That’s how I felt as a teenager. Thankfully the pain isn’t as strong now as it was then, but I still live with pain that I don’t have a voice.

I wish that I could speak up and somebody would turn to me, smile, and pay attention to me. Should I go stand on a stage and shout how I feel? No. Nobody cares. Should I go on YouTube and put an opinion out there that’ll be criticized and I’ll be forever bullied for it? I’d rather not.

Maybe it’s also a fear of the reaction I’ll get. All I know is that I find myself with jumbled up thoughts and don’t always know what I feel until I write it. And now I do know what I feel. I want a voice, and I want it to matter.

It will. Someday.

Core

Some things are complicated while others take no time to understand. I would like to monetize this blog sometime, and hopefully soon. But I wonder if anyone would come. I’ve found that the greatest asset I have on my hands is my honesty/transparency. I am very easy to read by those who know me, and I’m not always fond of this. But I’m a Taurus, I’m the bull by nature. Sometimes when others read me like an open book, they really are only reading that top layer. I have many layers to my being, state, soul, and personality. Yet people think they know me so well. This makes me smile.

So, I write here, trying my best to be honest and transparent all while it’s incredibly difficult to let anybody see past that top layer. I see it almost as the sedimentary rock in the earth. The sign of the Bull is an earth sign, strong and steady. I find myself fitting the Taurus personality beyond what I ever thought was possible. People rely on me. They tell me I am steady and immovable. But it seems that they miss the core.

I don’t blame them. I hide my core like the most precious metal there ever was. To be honest, I don’t think anyone in my life has ever seen that core. I often find myself wondering if it’s possible to see the core of a person, even within close and intimate relationships. It is it really possible to see everything a person is if they open up to you? Or is there still a small part of them that remains invisible to the eyes of anyone but them?

I don’t know. What I do know is that I love to ponder these things everyday. It’s these things that lead me to write fictional stories, exploring humanity and who we really are.

I fully intend to be an author someday soon; a published author. I have countless papers littering my room filled with story ideas and the same fills the Scrivener files of my desktop computer. I love to explore humanity and its darkness, along with its light.

I suppose there is always going to be more to discover in this world. Never will we reach the end of knowledge.

As someone who loves to learn, that makes me very happy.

Hard To Understand

I’m a writer. Obviously. I love to write. But sometimes when I write – like I’m writing poetry or song lyrics – the first sentence that comes to my mind more often than not is this: I don’t understand. Maybe it’s because of writer’s block, or maybe it’s because I genuinely don’t understand this world most of the time. I do not understand the human desire to hurt one another. In fact, I don’t understand cruelty at all. It’s a foreign concept.

Another thing I don’t understand is the way some people live. I’m a very straightforward and practical person; if I don’t have money to buy something then I don’t need that thing. Yet people around me buy the latest technology and then complain about being ‘poor’. It’s something that irritates me because I have seen the ugly side of poverty right now. Right now, my family and I don’t have a car, and even if we did, we can’t drive because my mom is too sick and I don’t have a license or the money to even consider one. All of the toilets in our house don’t work properly and I’ve gotten accustomed to the way our ancient washing machine sounds like an airplane taking off when we do laundry…but I’m happy. I’m happy writing songs and poems and this blog and crocheting blankets and other things for charity. I’m happy with my two cats who give me all the love in the world. I don’t have an iPhone. I never have. I can’t imagine using internet outside of my house!

Despite not being able to understand it, though, I love the world. I feel rich in love and happiness, even though I’m not rich in money or health. I don’t have a lot of family, but I love the ones I do have.

I suppose it’s a complicated world. Maybe that’s why I avoid it. I’d much rather just stay in my room, keep to myself and crochet things for those in need. That way, I know that I’m helping someone else, and even though it’s not much, it’s something I can do, and I’m grateful for that.

This World

I hate it when I can’t sleep, because that is when my mind gets creative. That’s when I start to think of how many crocheted dish cloths I would have to sell in order to become a millionaire. I’m not kidding.

We live in a society where we have so much that we can do. We have TV, Internet, video games, shopping…etc, etc. Yet, we sit around bored all day because none of it interests us anymore. None of it is new anymore.

I remember being a kid, and everything was a new and fascinating experience. I often wonder where that involvement went between the world and our minds. We don’t stop to look at flowers because we assume we already know exactly what they look like, but could we honestly just grab a pencil and piece of paper and render a perfect primrose flower on that paper with zero mistakes. Odds are, we can’t. This is because the world as we perceive it is not the world that actually is. It’s not nearly as boring and old as we think. In fact, it’s not boring and old at all. Yet, we see it that way. This is where I think we need to start putting our iPads and iPhones down and observe the world around us. Technology is a tool, not something to rely on completely.

So, perhaps as I can’t sleep and don’t feel good while I’m sick, I can take a pencil and a blank sheet of paper….who knows what will happen when we look around us and draw one random thing as realistically as possible? In my personal opinion, we will find that it isn’t that boring at all. In fact, it’s as beautiful as the starry night above us or flowers in a field of green grass.

We just have to choose to see it.

Stage Fright

Why is it so hard to get over stage fright? I am a streamer on Twitch.tv, and I play video games live. But I find that as outgoing as I am in other pursuits, I am terribly shy when it comes to being recorded by either microphone or camera (though I don’t have a camera yet). It seems that we’re so worried about what others think that we don’t even consider the idea that others probably and most likely don’t think about things as much as we do. They don’t think about us as much as we think about ourselves, and they certainly aren’t judging us like we judge ourselves. So, why do we get so frightened when being in front of people? It should be easy, right?

That’s what I keep telling myself. ‘It should be easy’. But I think that’s counter-productive; I’m scolding myself for being human. But I truly think the real reason for this is that we are own worst critics. We see every flaw within ourselves and no matter how many flaws we see in another person, we tend to see ourselves as someone who will never be good enough.

I remember growing up and in my teenage years, I would believe that others would hate me if they knew ‘who I truly was’, although I didn’t really even know what that meant. It was like I wanted to deliberately push others away and make them turn from me so that I wouldn’t have to face the pain of them doing it without warning. I have been betrayed a few times in my life by acquaintances, so that sticks with you and is often hard to get rid of. But perhaps it’s a mystery why we hold onto the painful things and let go of the good things. Or maybe it’s just me that does that. All I know is that it is a damn hard thing to get over stage fright.

Of course, I want to be a performer. I want to be an entertainer. I want to sing, write, act, etc. So, how could I possibly do that with stage fright? Maybe I just need to work through it and practice at getting better, just like one would with learning the piano or guitar. You are terrible and frustrated and embarrassed at first (or, at least I was), but then you get better, get little achievements, and start to feel good about your playing. Maybe the same thing stands for stage fright. Maybe it’s as simple as practicing and being more outgoing; following a set of ‘rules’ in your mind that you’ve written up just as you would follow the set of rules to learn music.

Though it’s hard for all of us, I think we overcomplicate it. I really do think that it’s as simple as following a list and developing a talent. I once read that we, as humans, are stronger than we could ever imagine. Physically. Our physical strength knows no limits, but we put limits on ourselves by believing that we have limits in the first place. Somehow, we jinx ourselves into believing that we don’t have enough, and by believing that, we end up not having enough. It’s the same for stage fright. We make things so much more complicated than they need to be, going through it in our minds of all the things that are so impossible for us to do. But it’s so easy to just get up and start…and so hard.

I read a quote by an author (whose name I don’t remember, seeing as I have short-term memory loss), and it went something like this:

“In order to write, all you need to do is sit down at the computer and write. It’s that easy…and that hard.”

I understand exactly what this author is saying. It should be easy – and often is – to get started. But sometimes our fear of what happens once we get started is what holds us back, in addition to being our own greatest critic. For me, that fear encompasses failure as well as success, because I don’t know that I’ve ever really been very successful at something. It’s the commitment factor for me as well. I hate commitment. But when it comes to relationships, I can commit. When it comes to deadlines I tend to hide under my bed until the world has forgotten about me.

But whether it be deadlines or commitment or failure or success, there is one thing we can’t avoid: the regret of not trying. I would rather feel the disappointment for trying and failing than the regret for never trying at all. So, as afraid I am of success, failure, and commitment, I will try and I will make it.

That’s all we can ever do.

 

 

Humanity

My top two idols are Taylor Swift and Michael Jackson. I love their style, their grace; the way they hold their heads high and brace themselves for the world. I love how they interact, how they are kind, loving, generous, and loyal to their fans and family. I love how they are so similar, yet so different.

I’ve dreamt of being a singer since I was a little girl. Since before being a teenager, actually. I’ve worried about many things. Watching the hell that my two favorite idols have gone through has made me realize how risky an endeavor it is to make your way into show business. Michael Jackson was torn from the top, and they are currently trying to do that to Taylor. But why?

Here’s my theory:

Anybody can be jealous of success. It’s human nature to want things that you can’t or don’t have. At least, that’s what I believe. But I miss the days of my childhood where I believed that everyone would do things for the better; that they would be trustworthy and lovely. But that’s not so. The world is a dangerous, dark, and horrifying place. Though it doesn’t have to be, it is. I think the reason that Michael and Taylor are torn down is because they have reached the top – the highest of the high within their communities. Taylor has reached a place in her songwriting that no one else has met, and we all know how Michael Jackson ended up where he was. But the funny thing is that they are both incredible people (although Michael has passed, I still think of him as here, still with us).

I believe that the world fears incredible people. They fear the happiness, kindness, and light that these people can bring. Why? Because once you cast light on something, you will see its shadow. Once you revel in something that is wonderful, you will realize how hard it was before. Nobody likes to see the sins of their own people, and although we are all different races and we speak so many different languages in different nations, I consider us all one big family. The family of humanity.

Humanity itself can be cruel. No other living being to exist has purposely sought out to harm one another. Not one other creature has sought out to kill one another, simply out of spite or revenge. And as humans, we try to keep these dark things a secret. We hide them in the darkest, innermost corners of our minds. We put masks on. We lie. We smile when we don’t mean it. We fight each other and kill each other, all for the sake of ‘fighting for freedom’. So, how does this translate to show business?

When someone is at the top, it’s not simple to be happy for them. It’s hard, as human nature makes us jealous; it makes is spiteful, and it encourages us to fight against one another to put them down in order to feel higher than that other person. It’s the same as war, the same as bombing other countries. Why do we fight in wars, kill others, and commit these crimes? Because we want to prove that we are better. Because we see the other side as evil. Or perhaps it’s simply because we want to watch someone fall and be able to say that they are lesser than us. But within history, this has only lead to chaos. This has only lead to more genocide. It’s a simple formula, really. Success + jealousy = violence. It’s not enough to think in one’s mind that they are jealous or that they believe that one person doesn’t deserve what they have. It’s not enough to write it in a journal or even scream it from the rooftops. No, we have to take action. And that’s where the mistakes of humanity come in. That’s where we create those unchangeable parts of history that will forever be a blemish on our reputation.

I often ask myself why. Why do we do it? Why are we fascinated with death, violence, anger, and troubles? And if you think we aren’t fascinated with those things, then simply look to the nearest TV. What do most, if not all, of our TV shows and movies center round? These four concepts: death, violence, anger, trouble. We are fascinated by the fall of another while we are angered at our own falls. I’ve often heard it said that it’s a dog-eat-dog world out there. Meaning a dog will commit a crime against its own kind for the sake of gaining a level in the food chain.

This saddens me.

In the back of my mind, all I can imagine is a rainy, desolate city, torn to shreds by others that believe they are superior. But are they really superior? I am American, and I live in a developed country. Does that make me superior to those that aren’t American, and to those that don’t live in developed countries? No. But does it make me less than them? Of course not! I’d love it to be simple, but it’s not. And it never will be.

Our desire to tear others down to make them smaller than us so that we can feel bigger will certainly end in our demise. How did the most evil or even the most powerful people in history die, or end? They were killed, either by themselves, or by someone else.

We think that we want power, but what do we do once we obtain that power? Once we get that far, maybe we don’t know what to do. But in the end, power truly is the substitution or replacement for something else. And what would that other thing be?

The desire to be loved and understood.

Chaos

Chaos is cold, and calculating. Abandoning its victims within chains of sorrow and ruin. A lot of us try to fight this, but it doesn’t need to be fought. What would we be without chaos? How would we know the good without the bad? How could we know the happiness without sorrow and disorder? Though it’s not that simple. Rarely is anything ever that simple.

What do I need to do to maintain order? What do we need to do to understand one another? It is so simple, yet so overdrawn with lines and solutions to problems that don’t exist when we try to get along with each other. It should be simple. We are all human beings. We all feel the same things, experience things in a similar way, and we can help each other understand why we fight. But first, in order to accept each other…

…we need to accept ourselves.

This Life Called ‘Freakshow’

Sometimes life isn’t as simple as just living it. Sometimes you have to do more than just that. Sometimes you have to wade through the water of your deepest fears, make your way through the storms of your greatest pain in order to end up where you want. Sometimes it’s not as simple as just being here, on this earth, and wanting what you want, and getting what you get. Sometimes you just need to handle things as they are.

That’s something I’ve discovered recently. I need to handle things as they are. I need to understand things as they are before I can have any hope of changing them; before I can ever make it to what I want to be, and who I want to be. It’s something that I think about a lot.

I call this life a Freakshow, because quite personally, that’s how I view it. It’s a Freakshow filled with monsters and circuses; things that go bump in the night. But I’m starting to sort through those things. But even if I sort through everything, put them all in their individual labels, and find a way to make them stay, it still won’t be anything other than a Freakshow. But do you know what the wonderful thing about a Freakshow is? You can be whatever you want. You can dress, act, and proceed like anything you want. You can be something in a fantasy, a fairy in a field full of flowers. Or, you could be something more sinister.

I find my Freakshow to consist of fears, doubts, and worries. But I’m sure everybody’s does. Of course, although we are all different, we also very similar. And though it may seem weird, but being similar is what sets us apart. It’s what helps us be the individuals that we are. We don’t notice things that are all the same. We do notice things with slight differences.

So, what does all of this mean? Well…I suppose I’m still figuring that out myself.