Love

If you ask just about anyone what they believe about love, they would probably tell you that there’s nothing better than being loved.

I disagree.

I believe there is nothing better than being the one showering another person with the love I have for them. Perhaps it’s just an individual thing, but I have never felt more joy than when I’m going out of my way to be there for someone, to show them with actions that I love them beyond anything in the world.

Because actions, to me, speak a million times louder than any words ever could. And the love I enjoy giving? Nothing elaborate. Telling that person that I love them, catching them slightly off-guard with a list of things about them that I couldn’t live without, doing small things little getting them things when they can’t do it themselves, be it handing them a water bottle when they are sick or paying for their favorite food when they are well.

Love is not a complicated thing to me. I suppose it is for a lot of people, but if I’m brutally honest? It’s only complicated when we are trying to fit our own desires into a relationship alongside the things we will or even won’t do for that other person. Because in my experience, love is always about sacrificing for that other person; never is it about receiving what we ourselves want.

Someone I deeply respect and admire told me a number of years ago that in order to be ready to commit to the person you love in marriage or another form of permanency, you have to be selfless to put them before yourself. My interpretation of this is to mean that when we put someone before ourselves, they will do the same for us, and thus begins the bond of real and true trust.

When I’m with the person I love the most (haven’t found him yet!), I want to make sure that I instill a sense of trust in our bond, and within him. I want to instill the knowledge and relief that he can rely on me for anything, no matter whether he seriously messed up and doesn’t want to hurt me, or if he needs to talk about something sacred to him that he’s never told anyone. I will never laugh at him. Name calling is not something I know how to do, and quite frankly, I’d rather spend ten years kissing and loving him than the same amount of energy holding a grudge for ten minutes.

Because love is not blind. Love is not self-serving. Love is the way you discover someone, another human being on an intimate level. And in addition to discovering them, love is about discovering yourself, because you will never truly know who you are or what you have in you until you hand over everything to that other person.

That is the essence of life. And that is the definition of love.

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Comfortable In Your Own Skin

I’ve often wondered if there are kind men left in the world, or if they’ve died out. The men I’ve met in my life and been around have always been cruel, abusive, tried humiliating me, and some were people I avoided like the plague.

With the wave of feminism that we are seeing here in the US, it has been made acceptable for women to express being upset or disappointed. But of course, with every good thing comes along people who will abuse that thing. I once watched a video over ten minutes long of a woman screaming into the camera about how much she hated that children’s toys for girls were mostly pink. Well, I don’t know about other girls, but I was obsessed with pink as a kid. (Also, I continued watching the video because it was entertaining).

But I’ve noticed that as we have this wave of feminism, nothing is changing for men. In my perspective, that is entirely unfair to men as a whole. Allow me to explain.

Men are not allowed to cry, or they’ll be made fun of by society. Men aren’t allowed to claim they’ve been abused in any way because they must remain ‘strong’. Men are portrayed as animals in all forms of media when in fact, they are human. They have feelings, insecurities, and they care about those around them.

As a woman, I can tell you something from a woman’s perspective. The thing that I find the most appealing in a man is his ability to allow himself to be sensitive. His generous side. They way he will teach his little sister to ride a bike instead of partying with friends.

These are the kind of men I would consider spending my entire life with, never the societal portrayal of men. And the portrayal of men in the media does them as much a disservice as photoshopped fashion magazines do to women. Men shouldn’t have to cater to the expectations of the media around them. I would love to have a long, honest talk with a guy to see how he thinks, what fascinates him, what he loves and what he just can’t stand.

So, to all the men out there: be yourself. Just as we tell women to be comfortable in their own skin, somebody should allow you to do the same. Don’t shy away from being yourself, because a man who is himself is more fascinating, sexy, and attractive to me than any other man in the world.

Simply Human

I was born with a chronic illness, meaning that I was born sick and that I’m going to have that sickness until I die. There is no cure. But beyond that and because of that, people have treated me differently my whole life.

For as long as I can remember, my self-esteem has been down in the dumps, and I only learned yesterday why this has been the case.

I love to look up quotes, and so I looked up ‘gentleman quotes’ or something like that because I like to see the men out there who still have chivalry and respect. But I came across one quote in particular that nearly brought me to tears. I didn’t see it as a list of things a gentleman should do, but rather a small list of what we should do for each other to treat everyone as a human being. And I realized something.

I have never been treated as a human being.

I have been bullied all my life by teachers, students, friends, therapists, etc. who should have known better. I have always wondered to myself why people don’t treat me as a person, but rather a fragile object that no one wants to go around.

But I realized yesterday and today that I don’t deserve that. I deserve to be treated like the human being that I am. And that is empowering.

So, this was less of a topic and more of a stream of consciousness. Also, a very candid self-reflection. I’ve been doing that a lot lately; reflecting on myself and my life.

Don’t ever let anyone in your life treat you less than the living, breathing human that you are. Because you deserve so much more.

Thank You

Sleep is a necessity. It can be really frustrating when you can’t sleep.

In the same manner as my last post, this is more a candid stream of consciousness than a planned topic.

Sleep has seemed to elude me for a couple of days, but I am so grateful for the responses I’ve been getting to this blog. I’m thrilled that you all read my posts, and even take the time to comment and give them a like! So I want to issue a big thank you to all who have read my posts, liked, followed, etc.

You are so special to me! I hope you all get your own success as well. I definitely wish you the best in your ventures as you have helped me in mine.

Again, thank you.

Bullies

I have experienced a lot in my life and have definitely learned a lot within the last year. I’ve learned a lot about love, about how to love and about what to do when situations go awry. I am only twenty-three years old, but I’d like to think I’ve got some of this figured out.

I remember making a big fuss here on this blog almost a year ago about how I was bullied on The Swift Life, or TSL for short. But now as I look back, I see how I should have handled the situation. Though of course, at the time I was young and could not have understood what I do now.

People have told me that bullies are nothing but cowards, and that cyber-bullies are nothing but cowards hiding behind a computer screen. I have never really believed that. It has taken me a while to articulate, but here is what I believe:

Have you ever said something in your life that you regret? Have you ever lashed out in hurt? Most likely. We all have. Does that make you a bully? No.

I don’t believe that bullies are cowards sitting behind computer screens, or the jock in the high school locker room. I believe that bullies are living, breathing human beings who are truly suffering just as much as we are, and though we may not see it through damaged pride and hurt feelings, as well as shame, everyone is only human. Some of us turn our pain inwards while some of us lash out. We all feel the exact same things, more or less. The rest is attributed to ignorance or lack of education.

I’ve never believed that bullies are terrible people, because we have all been something of a bully at some point in our lifetime. I think – or rather, know – that if we make an effort to react with love and understanding, not only will it confuse the bully…but it might just show them their worth.

Everyone is human, and everyone shows pain in different ways. Does that mean we should ostracize them? No. We should educate them in a simple and sufficient manner.

If we do so, this world might just be a better place yet.

Irreplaceable

It’s amazing how such a small action from someone that you don’t even speak to anymore can hurt so much. These smallest little details that can reach under our skin and act like table salt against a wound. These small encounters are what makes life so hard when we are young.

Society tells us that we must be liked, loved, appreciated, admired and more by everyone around us. If not, we are worthless in society’s eyes.

I’ve never much liked society and its views, and as I’ve gotten older I’ve happily rejected it. If it weren’t for certain circumstances, I would happily live in the wilderness. Why? Because it is so much simpler.

If I had a small cabin hundreds of miles away from any form of modernized civilization, I think I would have an easier time finding my happiness. Coming from someone who has experienced mostly bullying and pain in my life, it would be a great joy to remain within my own solitude.

Since I was a child I have dreamed of having my own ranch of sorts. I have dreamed of being self sufficient through all of my needs. Food, water, shelter, clothing, education, etc. I have also dreamed of living on my own island…but perhaps that wouldn’t be the greatest idea at the moment as I struggle with my physical health and rely on modern medicine.

I digress. My apologies.

If society were a more welcoming and peaceful place, perhaps I wouldn’t be so keen to avoid it. We are taught from infancy that the smallest smile, eye roll, or even just the way someone looks at us completely determines our worth, inside and out. I have struggled with self worth all my life. I’m getting better at it. I hope.

But in this little cluttered post, I don’t know who needs to hear this, but I’ll say it just for you: it doesn’t matter what others think of you, say to you, or say about you. You are worth it. Let me repeat that.

You are worth it. And if they can’t see that, they don’t deserve the irreplaceable company, smile, and personality that you bring everywhere with you. And as far as I’m concerned….it’s their loss. And a great loss of theirs indeed, because of we were all to be a little more open-minded towards each other maybe we could see how irreplaceable every soul truly is, realizing that our own is just as special.

You

There’s nothing that I wouldn’t do for you; these memories you provide me with are true. They’re everything I ever could have wished for, all along this rocky shore.

Soon we’ll be apart, but like destiny we’ll be together again. Perhaps meeting you was the best part. Part of something that may never happen again.

You are what brings me solace, wisdom, peace. Your voice everything I need to hear in my struggles. Everything that takes the strain away from my poor health.

And in this deep blue, there is nothing but you. Thank you for being true, because I love you.

This Industry

I know that this industry is cut-throat. The industry in which I have fought to inhabit. In these hazy days behind these words that stay; I can throw away my inhibitions.

I know that entertainment is like balancing on the top of a knife, stepping so light with the fear of getting sliced. But I don’t have to worry about it, because cuts on me heal faster than they could ever bleed.

I know wanting to be a singer and every other ambition I have is extremely difficult. It might even seem impossible, something that I’ve been told to give up and go for something more ‘practical’. But the thought of knowing my determination for this is factual.

And even in my worst fears, I’ll hold myself dear because I already hear the warnings in my mind. Still, I ignore them because this is truly what I’m born for. I’m born to fight, and I was born to follow these trails.

So, perhaps one day I’ll look back and tell the tale.

Race

I’ve always written to be free. These words I write are simple to see. Far from me but near to thee. Unworthy, it will never be.

These words that I tell myself to write are the words that come from my deepest might. The fight that I give to live my life. The fight that I have where I allow myself to grace the night. With my presence, things will glow alight.

And as these things glow, I will know certainly that I make a difference in this world. I close my eyes and I type. I don’t allow myself to see what I write. I simply feel. And that is where the truest words come forth, incredibly real.

There should be no fight to be the best, we should simply test our own abilities to be better than we were yesterday. We shouldn’t try to be better than the person we sit next to at church or at the doctor’s office. There’s something about it that is perceived by culture as being brave, being good, being strong. But to knock someone down to heighten your own place would be wrong. It’s forever written in our hearts, because we truly know this, but we don’t know where to start. We choose not see the things that are clearly in front of us. We think it’s our nature to fight against each other. We believe it to be a race. Who is faster? Who went farther? Who won in first place? But that’s not the point of this day or age.

I recently find myself pushing myself to be better than I was yesterday rather than the person next to me. It’s hard not to compare myself to those around me, as I automatically put myself in another’s shoes when I am around them. I try to feel their pain from their own perspective, and I try to understand where they are coming from. But as I do this, I accidentally compare myself to them. Now I know not to do so, because it’s not fair. We are all different, we all care. Just in different ways, and in different air. It shouldn’t be so easy to knock someone down, but in this day and age, something as simple as a viral social media post can cause renown.

Yet I try to find myself to be kind and gentle as the sea during a cloudless day. I have always wanted to be that way.

So, push aside the reason to hide and become someone else. Because the best thing you can be is yourself. And the greatest way you can improve, is to measure your today to your yesterday.

Hearts Heal

As I try to take everything I hold dear, I will give it all an ear. I will heed its sayings, I will understand those things that I am told and sold, on the point of no return. Because I believe myself to be trapped within this mind of mine; something I wish I didn’t have to find. I find myself eager with possibilities but exhausted with the pieces of me that simply need rest, and the ability to sit back and lie my head down.

Close my eyes, I will return when I can. I need to go for now, so that I can rest for what feels like an eternity. Those moments I’ll never get back as I try to sever these ties and break these lies. These things that I do in order to keep alive what I need, and the things I speak in order to keep alive my own dream. As I lay to rest these things that banter within my mind, remember that the past is not kind. Nor is the future, for that matter, if you choose not to create it.

They say that things are better left unsaid, but sometimes I believe that it would rattle with death. These words that escape my lips, ensuring my time here to be that of a dove, to be something simple and clean but it won’t last long. This ringing signifies the last moments of my peace. Now take my hand, please.

My soul would never admit to needing to leave, but my mind would do anything to receive that last drop of sunshine that lights my core, and allows my spirit to thrive. Giving it breath. Giving it life. I try so hard but as I look into his eyes I know that I am only human. I am only what I am here and now, and sometimes I wish I could put the mask down. That I could allow my tears to fall and allow myself to forget it all. I would allow everything within my immediate vicinity to be forgotten. I would allow everything to be turned to peace and imaginary worlds. I would allow myself to drip with sorrow as I wander these great plains of grass and wild flowers. Though they aren’t real, I find myself adjusting to their feel.

No, I will never give up. It’s not something I could have ever considered. But as my head aches and my bones break, I know that I need something to rejuvenate. I need something that will give me life once more, and allow myself to thrive. I need to feel alive. But now stuck within this bubble of pain and suffering, is there anything I could do that would mean something?

This is why I place these words here, in this place. This is why I desire to see the face of happiness and peace, but also of sadness and sorrow. Because nothing is infinite in life save for the reality that we are all temporary.

As this pain leaks through my skin, I will find another way to begin. I will find a way to allow this hurt to float away, out of my body and out of this place. Something I couldn’t register, but something I’d never forget. How long I’d been blind, just for the sake of being kind. Something I wish I would have seen long ago, but now I know that what I’m doing is right, and that I’m helping those I love. And although I see my peace from above, I will know now that pain is what this reality causes. It is what I endure to help those I love, and it is there to remind me that happiness can be just as strong. It is there to remind me that hearts can heal.

And as I find myself in a new place, in a new world and a new time in my life, I will allow myself to wander. Taking my time to study what’s around me, I will allow myself to pause instead of rush. Soon the hurt will fade as I am given the blessings that I crave. And in these last few days, I have found myself watching miracles arise. I find myself counting the happy things that were never present before. Never things that I didn’t notice, but things that simply didn’t exist until I felt that shift in my world. And as it shifts, I can feel my life starting. I can feel it breathing, taking on its own will.

And this is how I’ll feel. Happy and relieved as I step towards these new realities. And my heart is again whole, revived from the once torn tissue of scars. Because, as tears fall and my mask does, too, I will do anything to prove it true.