Bullies

I have experienced a lot in my life and have definitely learned a lot within the last year. I’ve learned a lot about love, about how to love and about what to do when situations go awry. I am only twenty-three years old, but I’d like to think I’ve got some of this figured out.

I remember making a big fuss here on this blog almost a year ago about how I was bullied on The Swift Life, or TSL for short. But now as I look back, I see how I should have handled the situation. Though of course, at the time I was young and could not have understood what I do now.

People have told me that bullies are nothing but cowards, and that cyber-bullies are nothing but cowards hiding behind a computer screen. I have never really believed that. It has taken me a while to articulate, but here is what I believe:

Have you ever said something in your life that you regret? Have you ever lashed out in hurt? Most likely. We all have. Does that make you a bully? No.

I don’t believe that bullies are cowards sitting behind computer screens, or the jock in the high school locker room. I believe that bullies are living, breathing human beings who are truly suffering just as much as we are, and though we may not see it through damaged pride and hurt feelings, as well as shame, everyone is only human. Some of us turn our pain inwards while some of us lash out. We all feel the exact same things, more or less. The rest is attributed to ignorance or lack of education.

I’ve never believed that bullies are terrible people, because we have all been something of a bully at some point in our lifetime. I think – or rather, know – that if we make an effort to react with love and understanding, not only will it confuse the bully…but it might just show them their worth.

Everyone is human, and everyone shows pain in different ways. Does that mean we should ostracize them? No. We should educate them in a simple and sufficient manner.

If we do so, this world might just be a better place yet.

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Irreplaceable

It’s amazing how such a small action from someone that you don’t even speak to anymore can hurt so much. These smallest little details that can reach under our skin and act like table salt against a wound. These small encounters are what makes life so hard when we are young.

Society tells us that we must be liked, loved, appreciated, admired and more by everyone around us. If not, we are worthless in society’s eyes.

I’ve never much liked society and its views, and as I’ve gotten older I’ve happily rejected it. If it weren’t for certain circumstances, I would happily live in the wilderness. Why? Because it is so much simpler.

If I had a small cabin hundreds of miles away from any form of modernized civilization, I think I would have an easier time finding my happiness. Coming from someone who has experienced mostly bullying and pain in my life, it would be a great joy to remain within my own solitude.

Since I was a child I have dreamed of having my own ranch of sorts. I have dreamed of being self sufficient through all of my needs. Food, water, shelter, clothing, education, etc. I have also dreamed of living on my own island…but perhaps that wouldn’t be the greatest idea at the moment as I struggle with my physical health and rely on modern medicine.

I digress. My apologies.

If society were a more welcoming and peaceful place, perhaps I wouldn’t be so keen to avoid it. We are taught from infancy that the smallest smile, eye roll, or even just the way someone looks at us completely determines our worth, inside and out. I have struggled with self worth all my life. I’m getting better at it. I hope.

But in this little cluttered post, I don’t know who needs to hear this, but I’ll say it just for you: it doesn’t matter what others think of you, say to you, or say about you. You are worth it. Let me repeat that.

You are worth it. And if they can’t see that, they don’t deserve the irreplaceable company, smile, and personality that you bring everywhere with you. And as far as I’m concerned….it’s their loss. And a great loss of theirs indeed, because of we were all to be a little more open-minded towards each other maybe we could see how irreplaceable every soul truly is, realizing that our own is just as special.

You

There’s nothing that I wouldn’t do for you; these memories you provide me with are true. They’re everything I ever could have wished for, all along this rocky shore.

Soon we’ll be apart, but like destiny we’ll be together again. Perhaps meeting you was the best part. Part of something that may never happen again.

You are what brings me solace, wisdom, peace. Your voice everything I need to hear in my struggles. Everything that takes the strain away from my poor health.

And in this deep blue, there is nothing but you. Thank you for being true, because I love you.

This Industry

I know that this industry is cut-throat. The industry in which I have fought to inhabit. In these hazy days behind these words that stay; I can throw away my inhibitions.

I know that entertainment is like balancing on the top of a knife, stepping so light with the fear of getting sliced. But I don’t have to worry about it, because cuts on me heal faster than they could ever bleed.

I know wanting to be a singer and every other ambition I have is extremely difficult. It might even seem impossible, something that I’ve been told to give up and go for something more ‘practical’. But the thought of knowing my determination for this is factual.

And even in my worst fears, I’ll hold myself dear because I already hear the warnings in my mind. Still, I ignore them because this is truly what I’m born for. I’m born to fight, and I was born to follow these trails.

So, perhaps one day I’ll look back and tell the tale.

Race

I’ve always written to be free. These words I write are simple to see. Far from me but near to thee. Unworthy, it will never be.

These words that I tell myself to write are the words that come from my deepest might. The fight that I give to live my life. The fight that I have where I allow myself to grace the night. With my presence, things will glow alight.

And as these things glow, I will know certainly that I make a difference in this world. I close my eyes and I type. I don’t allow myself to see what I write. I simply feel. And that is where the truest words come forth, incredibly real.

There should be no fight to be the best, we should simply test our own abilities to be better than we were yesterday. We shouldn’t try to be better than the person we sit next to at church or at the doctor’s office. There’s something about it that is perceived by culture as being brave, being good, being strong. But to knock someone down to heighten your own place would be wrong. It’s forever written in our hearts, because we truly know this, but we don’t know where to start. We choose not see the things that are clearly in front of us. We think it’s our nature to fight against each other. We believe it to be a race. Who is faster? Who went farther? Who won in first place? But that’s not the point of this day or age.

I recently find myself pushing myself to be better than I was yesterday rather than the person next to me. It’s hard not to compare myself to those around me, as I automatically put myself in another’s shoes when I am around them. I try to feel their pain from their own perspective, and I try to understand where they are coming from. But as I do this, I accidentally compare myself to them. Now I know not to do so, because it’s not fair. We are all different, we all care. Just in different ways, and in different air. It shouldn’t be so easy to knock someone down, but in this day and age, something as simple as a viral social media post can cause renown.

Yet I try to find myself to be kind and gentle as the sea during a cloudless day. I have always wanted to be that way.

So, push aside the reason to hide and become someone else. Because the best thing you can be is yourself. And the greatest way you can improve, is to measure your today to your yesterday.

Hearts Heal

As I try to take everything I hold dear, I will give it all an ear. I will heed its sayings, I will understand those things that I am told and sold, on the point of no return. Because I believe myself to be trapped within this mind of mine; something I wish I didn’t have to find. I find myself eager with possibilities but exhausted with the pieces of me that simply need rest, and the ability to sit back and lie my head down.

Close my eyes, I will return when I can. I need to go for now, so that I can rest for what feels like an eternity. Those moments I’ll never get back as I try to sever these ties and break these lies. These things that I do in order to keep alive what I need, and the things I speak in order to keep alive my own dream. As I lay to rest these things that banter within my mind, remember that the past is not kind. Nor is the future, for that matter, if you choose not to create it.

They say that things are better left unsaid, but sometimes I believe that it would rattle with death. These words that escape my lips, ensuring my time here to be that of a dove, to be something simple and clean but it won’t last long. This ringing signifies the last moments of my peace. Now take my hand, please.

My soul would never admit to needing to leave, but my mind would do anything to receive that last drop of sunshine that lights my core, and allows my spirit to thrive. Giving it breath. Giving it life. I try so hard but as I look into his eyes I know that I am only human. I am only what I am here and now, and sometimes I wish I could put the mask down. That I could allow my tears to fall and allow myself to forget it all. I would allow everything within my immediate vicinity to be forgotten. I would allow everything to be turned to peace and imaginary worlds. I would allow myself to drip with sorrow as I wander these great plains of grass and wild flowers. Though they aren’t real, I find myself adjusting to their feel.

No, I will never give up. It’s not something I could have ever considered. But as my head aches and my bones break, I know that I need something to rejuvenate. I need something that will give me life once more, and allow myself to thrive. I need to feel alive. But now stuck within this bubble of pain and suffering, is there anything I could do that would mean something?

This is why I place these words here, in this place. This is why I desire to see the face of happiness and peace, but also of sadness and sorrow. Because nothing is infinite in life save for the reality that we are all temporary.

As this pain leaks through my skin, I will find another way to begin. I will find a way to allow this hurt to float away, out of my body and out of this place. Something I couldn’t register, but something I’d never forget. How long I’d been blind, just for the sake of being kind. Something I wish I would have seen long ago, but now I know that what I’m doing is right, and that I’m helping those I love. And although I see my peace from above, I will know now that pain is what this reality causes. It is what I endure to help those I love, and it is there to remind me that happiness can be just as strong. It is there to remind me that hearts can heal.

And as I find myself in a new place, in a new world and a new time in my life, I will allow myself to wander. Taking my time to study what’s around me, I will allow myself to pause instead of rush. Soon the hurt will fade as I am given the blessings that I crave. And in these last few days, I have found myself watching miracles arise. I find myself counting the happy things that were never present before. Never things that I didn’t notice, but things that simply didn’t exist until I felt that shift in my world. And as it shifts, I can feel my life starting. I can feel it breathing, taking on its own will.

And this is how I’ll feel. Happy and relieved as I step towards these new realities. And my heart is again whole, revived from the once torn tissue of scars. Because, as tears fall and my mask does, too, I will do anything to prove it true.