As I try to take everything I hold dear, I will give it all an ear. I will heed its sayings, I will understand those things that I am told and sold, on the point of no return. Because I believe myself to be trapped within this mind of mine; something I wish I didn’t have to find. I find myself eager with possibilities but exhausted with the pieces of me that simply need rest, and the ability to sit back and lie my head down.
Close my eyes, I will return when I can. I need to go for now, so that I can rest for what feels like an eternity. Those moments I’ll never get back as I try to sever these ties and break these lies. These things that I do in order to keep alive what I need, and the things I speak in order to keep alive my own dream. As I lay to rest these things that banter within my mind, remember that the past is not kind. Nor is the future, for that matter, if you choose not to create it.
They say that things are better left unsaid, but sometimes I believe that it would rattle with death. These words that escape my lips, ensuring my time here to be that of a dove, to be something simple and clean but it won’t last long. This ringing signifies the last moments of my peace. Now take my hand, please.
My soul would never admit to needing to leave, but my mind would do anything to receive that last drop of sunshine that lights my core, and allows my spirit to thrive. Giving it breath. Giving it life. I try so hard but as I look into his eyes I know that I am only human. I am only what I am here and now, and sometimes I wish I could put the mask down. That I could allow my tears to fall and allow myself to forget it all. I would allow everything within my immediate vicinity to be forgotten. I would allow everything to be turned to peace and imaginary worlds. I would allow myself to drip with sorrow as I wander these great plains of grass and wild flowers. Though they aren’t real, I find myself adjusting to their feel.
No, I will never give up. It’s not something I could have ever considered. But as my head aches and my bones break, I know that I need something to rejuvenate. I need something that will give me life once more, and allow myself to thrive. I need to feel alive. But now stuck within this bubble of pain and suffering, is there anything I could do that would mean something?
This is why I place these words here, in this place. This is why I desire to see the face of happiness and peace, but also of sadness and sorrow. Because nothing is infinite in life save for the reality that we are all temporary.
As this pain leaks through my skin, I will find another way to begin. I will find a way to allow this hurt to float away, out of my body and out of this place. Something I couldn’t register, but something I’d never forget. How long I’d been blind, just for the sake of being kind. Something I wish I would have seen long ago, but now I know that what I’m doing is right, and that I’m helping those I love. And although I see my peace from above, I will know now that pain is what this reality causes. It is what I endure to help those I love, and it is there to remind me that happiness can be just as strong. It is there to remind me that hearts can heal.
And as I find myself in a new place, in a new world and a new time in my life, I will allow myself to wander. Taking my time to study what’s around me, I will allow myself to pause instead of rush. Soon the hurt will fade as I am given the blessings that I crave. And in these last few days, I have found myself watching miracles arise. I find myself counting the happy things that were never present before. Never things that I didn’t notice, but things that simply didn’t exist until I felt that shift in my world. And as it shifts, I can feel my life starting. I can feel it breathing, taking on its own will.
And this is how I’ll feel. Happy and relieved as I step towards these new realities. And my heart is again whole, revived from the once torn tissue of scars. Because, as tears fall and my mask does, too, I will do anything to prove it true.